Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Fidelius I shall look up consciously uncoupled, thank you. I don't know either how I can get through it without paying a high price on my own wellbeing. This thread is a lifeline for me, knowing that actually I'm not alone with this.

I was reading an article why NT women are attracted to ASD men, and the reason it gave was the man came along at a vulnerable time of the women's life. It was an interesting read as that is definitely me. We have been together 30 years, 20 with DC, in retrospect it has been me that has held us together for so long due to my early years.

Yes my DH came across as kind, steady, intelligent and caring. He actually can be all of those things but he just fundamentally doesn't understand how to be a husband in terms of emotional reciprocation or building an emotional connection. When I married him I was carrying all sorts of trauma I had largely suppressed. As I changed, grew, began to heal he stayed exactly the same. That in itself is utterly unnatural.

SquirrelSoShiny snap, same here, although still a bit more healing to do (around food, but that's a whole another thread) Where do we/I go from here? I keep telling myself I've done the hard bit (raising DC which has felt like on my own as he has been here but not here) so the next chapter in my life when DC have fled the nest will be a doodle. Not sure who i am kidding really

its my birthday today and nothing, no card, no kiss, no happy birthday wish - this is new territory. Apparently we don't celebrate birthdays any more 😒

The reason I haven’t separated earlier is because, being ill, I couldn’t have looked after two dcs and myself on my own - and this got worse with time.

And yes I’m pretty sure that it didn’t help me health wise. And now I’m fully disabled, unable to work, struggling with daily tasks (even though I’m getting slowly better) so taking the steps to leave is hard.

It’s crap though because I very much feel that the fog is lifting. I’m less and less accepting of the impact his struggles on me. Mainly because even though I adapted around me, he is doing very little to adapt around me and accept my own limitations.

@longpathtohappiness

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I hope you have planned something for yourself and will indulge yourself today :)

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I was going to make DH a cake for his birthday, ha ha!!

Fidelius ha ha, he has been working from home today (as have I) and nothing.

I realised this year that I'm the one who always suggests going for a nice meal for our anniversary. This year I didn't say a thing. He still hasn't mentioned our anniversary that was in June.
Also, he is as surprised as the kids when they open birthday/Xmas presents.
I used to send cards and buy for his side of the family too. I don't any more so now they don't get from us.
I have never had a card from dh. I have never had a gift, except when the kids make him buy flowers or chocolates.
I would love to get dressed up and go to a lovely restaurant, just occasionally.
Sad that something so ordinary is now a pipedream.

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy snap, I buy for his mum and that is it. I only do that because in fairness to her she helped me a lot when DC were young (more than her own son, but that is another thread!)

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I used do things for his sisters and their kids, not any more. I don't even keep in touch with them now and one lives in the same town as us!

SpecialMangeTout indulge myself, ha ha

DH DOES always get me a card as I've made it clear over the years that it's important to me. But he's unlikely to do more than that. He's never understood why I like to mark it (as to him it's just a random date and not an achievement). So if it's a big birthday I arrange something fun with friends to celebrate instead.

Happy Birthday @longpathtohappiness
Hope you've found something nice to do today

Actually in defence of DH he is the one in our house who is better at remembering birthdays! I barely remember my own let alone other people's 😬 I do try though and sometimes my strategies pay off! But he quite often does the reminders for my side!

Happy birthday @longpathtohappiness !

Thanks for the birthday wishes, nope nothing has appeared! Went to Sainsbury's and bought myself some clothes 😂

BlueTick no DH doesn't notice new clothes or anything I wear. I stopped making the effort and as a result became dowdy and depressed. Hence why I went shopping, starting to do things that make me happy and put myself first. Not sure if menopause is having an effect on how I'm feeling, it's my turn now. I've raised our DC, he has been here but not here, they are still at home but in their 20s. Davina McCall describes the menopause as the second spring, and I can really relate to that, I'm not taking his shit anymore and it's all about me!

BlueTick it is baby steps as I've only had a light bulb moment a few weeks ago! I aim to do at least one thing for me every day. He doesn't notice if I was to wear a bin bag or sexy lingerie so I have stopped trying to make an effort for him and make the effort for myself instead! He doesn't notice if I am feeling so lonely from working at home all day and when he returns from work all he wants to do is talk about his special interest that I am broken so I bought some audio books (mostly self help positive type ones) that I can listen to during the day to keep me company, I walk around the block in my lunchtime for me (and the dog!)

Today it is all about his family, I shall be here in body but that is it. I've already bought a new top from Vinted this morning, and when his family have gone I shall do some self care. Not sure what yet, depends when they leave, I might have a bounce on my mini trampoline!