Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Did you tell her exactly what you need to feel loved?

This just stood out to me as an autistic person. As my partner had said similar things to me before and in all honesty that is so vague to me I don't know what he means.

We went round and round in circles until I eventually asked him to completely spell it out. Like I mean exact things he needed to feel loved. (His list included things like make me a cup of tea with out asking. Compliment me. Buy me something from the corner shop with out me having to ask just because you think I will like it). With that list I was able to do some of these things even when tbh I don't think they make sense to me (like if you want something from the shop why not just say? But anyway) and this helped me so much to give him what he needs. But he had to be specific. No vagueness. Like basically direct instructions.

@Treepigeon thank you so much for posting.

To be honest, you've really made me think.Now's not a good time, but I will get back to you.

Oh dear, that sounds tough. What was she expecting them to do?

I guess my DH and I tick most of those boxes but my friends think I'm incredibly patient and understanding and I do tend to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It helps that I have a very fulfilling career and earn a similar income to him. Obviously many couples aren't so lucky to have that financial equality and independence and it would change dramatically if either of us had health issues.

@Treepigeon I understand that my dh doesn't do vague. In saying that, it is very frustrating to constantly tell your partner how you want to be treated. Just wanting a surprise bunch of flowers or box of chocolates. An unexpected lunch or dinner date. An unexpected, surprise, spontaneous anything really would be nice. If you have to ask for a surprise then it kind of defeats the purpose.
Eg: Asking for some nice smelling bath things for my birthday, I got a generic shower gel in the supermarket bag.
He doesn't do things for me if he doesn't see them as important to him.

My partner is diagnosed ADHD with many autistic traits. Luckily he’s really aware of his condition/s and often asks me for feedback on how I am interpreting and responding to his many struggles. He’s a brilliant, kind man who shows his love by doing jobs around my house. He says he loves to ‘serve’ me by doing what I ask of him, as then he knows he’s doing the ‘right’ thing. He’s constantly worried he’s getting things wrong, so tangible stuff like ‘I fixed your washing machine’ give him pride he’s done something good.

We struggle with:

1. Self focus and apparent lack of interest in things NT people would expect a partner to show interest in.

Me: I just had dinner with x friend. Amazing! She’s 5 months pregnant after two miscarriages and trying for 3 years!
Him: no response.
Me: this is fantastic right?
Him: I don’t really know her.

From his pov you can see the logic. Why would he have interest in someone he’s never met (because he rarely socialises with me and has social he knows few of my friends). From my emotional point of view, I fail to understand why he can’t share or at least appear to share some of my happiness for my friend.

2. Impulsivity, meltdowns and weak executive function.

These are features of ADHD and autism and the worst aspect of our relationship. If for example his kids have been bratty all day, while he’s mostly extremely calm with them, once he put them in the car and said ‘right I’m driving you back to your mum’s.’ The kids, 9 and 6, were really shaken up. They have a set custody routine with him and the ex wife and they need the stability. I was horrified. It’s like he has an orchestra playing in his head but the conductor isn’t always there. He just ‘does’ stuff. Once he threw an object on the floor during an argument. He goes from 0 to 100 in seconds and I don’t always know what causes an outburst. I tell him I’m walking on eggshells and this isn’t fair. Im on anxiety meds, as was his ex wife.

3. Bouts of depression

As well as the daily mood swings caused by ADHD, my partner has periods of depression presumably caused by the struggles of living with borderline autism on top. His clothes are scratchy, going to the office causes social anxiety, the autistic side means he hugely needs routine but the procrastination and time blindness of ADHD means he really lacks planning skills. Sometimes it gets too much and he spends weeks with low energy, being negative about everything including our relationship. I am trying to learn how to ride out these phases. He always bounces back to his naturally positive self in the end.

4. Mind-blindness

Particularly when depressed, he doesn’t automatically realise what effect his up-down moods and periods of depression have on me. When he’s stable I speak to him about it in very clear terms, as if I am a home appliance and have maintenance needs that should be fulfilled otherwise I will break. He understands you have to clean the coffee machine every few weeks and it’s best to use filtered water. In the same way, I tell him that I need regular communication about how much he cares for me, a weekly date and for him to pay me more attention when we are home in the evenings together than he spends on video games. I am very specific and prescriptive. If he breaks down and cannot function he must use a strategy to ensure this is not to the detriment of our relationship. We are still working on what this might be. Any tips gratefully received!

I'm putting it down to the menopause but I burst into tears yesterday, explained again to DH how lonely I can feel at times. He watched a video on the menopause (after me repeatedly asking him). Told him I felt unloved, no response. We have been married nearly 30 years so way past the flowers and chocolates stage, but just an acknowledgement that I'm not just the housekeeper and nanny!

Agree with this, I just want to be thought of, what I like to be noticed. I don't want to ask for a bunch of flowers, that is not the same.

I have said zillions of times I would like him to buy me flowers but he thinks they are a waste of money. I want him to get me flowers even though he thinks they are a waste of money cause it would mean a lot to me, I want the transaction to be about ME, not him.

Treepigeon I do get what you are saying, I'm autistic too, but I think this viewpoint means we can see even more clearly that it is possible to show people you care in a way that means a lot to THEM, and be interested in them.

bunhead1979 buy flowers for myself now! DH told me today that he thinks birthday cards are a waste of time as they only get thrown away again.

@longpathtohappiness dh managed to completely ignore my emotional state during menopause. It made him uncomfortable so would do the sad face and hand pat response. He doesn't know I was on hrt, doesn't know I'm off hrt, doesn't know, or more importantly, want to know anything about my health or well-being.

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy snap talking about menopause makes him feel uncomfortable too. I did point out that I'm the one having to cope with it and the least he could do was try and understand. He did watch a video but only because i made him.

His back is hurting today, oh no. Normal service has been resumed and I'm back to coping with the house, DC and my own health on my own again

We were sitting in the garden having a coffee this morning. Talking about whether we should sell the house and move closer into town. This is an ongoing topic, and now the kids are getting older I think it's something we need to discuss seriously. He just gets up and starts pottering about in the garden. We were still mid conversation, I know this because my lips were still moving.
Then he starts talking about something completely different.
This happens ALL THE FUC£IN& TIME.
Thank God he has gone out now.

@Iceball I can empathise with the over sharing. Which DS (ADHD and biological depression) described as emotional dumping.
DH genuinely thought he was being helpful and insightful by detailing the struggles he’s had. But I found out during the ‘episode’ earlier this year that DH had disclosed a horrific incident to DS that I hadn’t shared with anyone because no one needed that level of baggage.
That, and the things he said to our youngest are what nearly broke our marriage. I’ve since spoken to both DC (young adults now) to get their perspective and thoughts. Youngest accepted it was Dad being ill and they’ve talked it through. I’ve also accepted that I was projecting, to some extent, based on my (dysfunctional) relationship with my own father.
It has taken so much effort on both sides to get DH to understand the impact it’s had on us as individuals and as a family. And for me to understand that the, seemingly, constant need to interpret and meditate, with and for him, was the biggest emotional drain on me. I was (and for some things am) the only person he talks to.
Where we differ from many of you, is that I’m the one who’s switched off from affection and intimacy. I struggle with the lack of personal hygiene that creeps in when he’s struggling, my natural defence mechanism to switch off (which is how I got through my childhood) when anger is the common theme for it to manifest in DH, (Side note: have finally got him to accept that it is anger and not ‘passion’ as he believed.) and to distance myself from the cause. DH is naturally more tactile than me.

@organictomatoes about the 0 - 100 explosions, I wonder ...

1. does he realise they are a problem ? (walking on eggshells is a dreadful way to live)

2. does he have the will to do something about them?

If so, with my bio. mother, who would also go from 0 - 100, there was training available for her where she could have learned to identify the triggers in the split second before being triggered and then going boom. Over time, the theory was, she could learn to identify them earlier and then constructive ways of handling the triggers which reduced the number and severity of the explosions.

This training does need engaging with, but I'm told it could have helped.

I should add, she wasn't autistic (probably), but just wondering if the same techniques might help your husband?

Thanks @Treepigeon
I agree with you about being very specific. I have to say, to start with, I resisted that A LOT
But yes it works…. up to a point.

By that I mean that one question is specific enough one day but not the following week.
There is always a reason why it’s not specific enough on that day. But it requires me mind reading HIS mind to know something (unexpected?) is important/has thrown a spanner in the works.

Ots a real minefield

Autistic DS has an autistic DF staying for a couple of nights, absolutely no problem whatsoever.

I walked into the living room to find DW telling the kids all about her career choices, how many hours she worked, why she changed.

DS had completely glazed over and DF was looking at his phone with "hmmm" "uhaah" "hmmm" "yeah" etc.

It was tragic and ironic in equal measures.

Yes my DH came across as kind, steady, intelligent and caring. He actually can be all of those things but he just fundamentally doesn't understand how to be a husband in terms of emotional reciprocation or building an emotional connection. When I married him I was carrying all sorts of trauma I had largely suppressed. As I changed, grew, began to heal he stayed exactly the same. That in itself is utterly unnatural.

Still got a lot of healing to do but this really resonates. DH was somehow stabilising when we met and I guess still is in a way. He is not officially diagnosed but I can relate to so much of what has been posted. His father also showed some traits but I didn't realise this until much later on. Perimenopausal now, still a way off until youngest leaves but I am utterly dreading it (and I've wondered why I've been dreading it so much but reading it here from others, I realise I'm not alone in this way of thinking). I look at friends and their expectation in retirement is to spend time with their dh's and wanting to/looking forward to it - this makes me feel even more alone. I have an enduring issue and now with the perimenopause, I am not getting out of the house as much as I could. I would struggle with dc alone on the otherhand and dh is very practical and helpful and eases these issues, I try to focus on this as much as I can and I have a sort of appreciation. I have also experienced cold silences when dh doesn't know how to make things better or what to say. I am trying to carve some sort of life outside of the home but I'm still struggling to make connections and find something interesting to do. I feel very lonely but my issues are mental health related (largely due to the trauma sustained and only just getting treatment now) - I'm not sure if some of it stems from this and some from my relationship so I can't blame it all on my relationship.

And the thing about walking ahead...I thought it was just me! This happens to me too. I didn't notice it before (perhaps it is a new thing) but it definitely happens.

I've also thought of ways of escape when dc leave - a bolt hole somewhere or even a campervan I can take off in with dog for a few weeks at a time if I haven't formed sufficient connections.

Everyone’s experience is valid, and it’s not easy being married to someone with ASD. It’s not ok for the ASD partners to seek even more control to censor their partners experience. MN should not invalidate the experience of the nonneurodiverse partners by removing their posts.

@BlueTick it's good to hear your positivity.

I don't think DW was really aware the boys weren't really listening.

Thecomedyoferrors snap, when I married DH I had lots of trauma and he was steady and dependable, still is. I too have healing still to do and he is my rock, he just indifferent to how I'm feeling. He also provides for me and DC financially but not emotionally... feel free to PM me, we sound very alike

I look at friends and their expectation in retirement is to spend time with their dh's and wanting to/looking forward to it

I can't imagine spending more time with DH when we retire (in the late 2030s)!

I hope I'll have more time with my old friends. Maybe I'm being too optimistic though? What if health/finances/mobility stops us meeting up?! 😟

I'm sorry that health issues have limited this for many of you 🙁.

I'm a bit worried too that it'll be harder to make new friends if we retire to the quiet country area that DH has in mind - but hoping we'll be near a village at least. I had in mind voluntary work, a part-time job, pets, a book group....

Perhaps I'm being unrealistic though! 😟 I'll go nuts with just DH for 'company'! When not in virtual meetings (he WFH) he's silent, monologuing or intensely debating. He doesn't do interactive chat. I need more than a daily debate/monologue.

Oh dear, another thing to worry about.

The other day my DP asked me how he can improve the communication between us - he is aware, to some extent, intellectually, that he’s a poor communicator. This includes getting wound up quickly if I don’t get his point or if my input is not accurate/precise enough. After agreeing that an aggressive tone of voice and hurtful comments are not ok and that he’ll work on it (and me giving him a lot of praise for wanting to change) he kept on going on how difficult it is for him to manage his temper, especially when he doesn’t feel well physically or emotionally (low mood or anxiety). I kept acknowledging that change is difficult but it’s STILL not ok to be an aggressive communicator. He then got angry at me that I ‘needlessly’ repeated that’s aggressive communication is not ok. Suddenly, my reaction became the main problem and now he ‘needs space to process it all because on the whole I’m a lovely person’.
Does this sound familiar? I feel exhausted, gaslighted and my hope that things will change is low.