Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople
Would it be fair to say that some autistic people find it difficult to show that empathy? No matter how they might feel inside.

Rather like my DH telling me he was 'heartbroken' for my mum but not telling her that in any way. In fact not mentioning it even to me until I asked directly.

Would it be fair to say that some autistic people find it difficult to show that empathy? No matter how they might feel inside.

thank you for responding nicely 🙏

I’d say that is fair. And I suspect the root of many problematic relationships where that dynamic is not understood. I am always terrified of saying the wrong thing so I try to do positive actions to show I am thinking of someone eg I give blood every year on the birthday of a little boy who sadly died when he was 5. I post it on FB and has been recognised by the parents.

but thank you for recognising the difference between having no empathy and not displaying empathy in a way neurotypical people expect. I’m also sorry your husband is not giving you the support you need - losing a parent is awful.

Thank you @StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople and that's a lovely thing to do in memory of the little boy.

It's tricky because many people need the empathy put into words or obvious actions. I would never have realised that DH hadn't contacted my mum at all if I hadn't had a conversation with her about my brothers-in-law taking part in the funeral.

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy any advice? I feel like a housemate rather than a wife. Tried talking and even texting DH with how I'm feeling but no change. I work from home so have no social contact during the day, DH comes home, doesn't consider me at all, always waffling on about his work etc. I'm coping with menopause, empty nest, depression and my own health worries on my own. We do none of the couple things that others talk about, we don't have people over etc, hence me feeling like a housemate. He doesn't want to do anything socially, he is starting now not to want to go on holiday. I've started to do and join things on my own as my only way of getting out of the house and having some social interaction, I have told him how I'm feeling but nothing. It struck me that I've raised our DC, he has supported us financially but not emotionally and now they are doing their own thing it is really getting hard. I think his father was also undiagnosed with ASD as mother in law talks about her struggles but when you only hear her side of things you don't know what to believe, but now I really identify with most of her experiences. I'm not sure if traits increase with age but as he is getting older im noticing more he is getting "worse". Maybe I was too wrapped up with the kids when they were younger to notice and now we are together more im noticing, not sure maybe a bit of both.

@longpathtohappiness I can relate to everything you said. No advice though às I'm still trying to process my own situation. I have become much more aware of our relationship dynamics though.The kids are becoming more resilient/independent and I'm thinking of a future without them around as much. I never quite realised how dependant I was on them for social interaction. Conversation is always easy with them, we banter, tell each other things, listen to each others stories etc. Conversation with dh is so one sided. I have realised that if I don't initiate conversation or small talk even, we don't converse. I'm painfully aware that I need to let my kids grow but I'm desperately sad with what I will be left with.

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy snap, conversation is one sided here too, when we dog walk together all he will talk about is his work, he has never asked about my day, how im feeling etc. As i have said i tried talking to him about it but to no avail, he lacks empathy. I know I'm dependent on DC for social interaction, I'm also desperately sad with what I will be left with once DC have left. Trying to start building a life for myself now as also looking ahead to the future.

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople I think it is fair to say that it is a feature of many of our relationships with our partners that we feel they do not always treat us in the same way as they treat others.

I've often posted how DW is oblivious to some of the things that I go through - my post regarding me cooking dinner means it's a really easy meal, for her but she transfers that to me. If it's easy for her it must be for me?

Another time we decided to undertake a major house refurbishment. Between work and self building I was working 100 hours a week. DW was working 16 hours a week. I was at breaking point and she volunteered to paint and decorate a property for a local charity.

I have many such tales. But they are unique to DW and the people she is closest to. Its not a consistent thing.

Is that a lack of empathy? I don't know, but it's very difficult to live with.

The problem with the inability of showing empathy is that, for the person in the receiving side, it FEELS LIKE the person doesn’t have any empathy.
Whether they feel empathy but can’t express it or actually have no empathy at all has the same impact.

And YY to very similar tales here with the added bonus of feeling judged too.
eg DH very much judged me for not having the living room spotless at 8.00pm when he came back home and i had been looking after two under 3yo. It carried on until I started working some weekends and he had to be the sole patent fir two days. And then, and only then, he got it and started to be more supportive and respectful and the work I have been doing.

Its hard to care and show care for someone who doesn’t show you any care, even the most hardest circumstances iyswim

@longpathtohappiness I stopped going for a walk with dh and the dog. He would always walk off in front. Funny cause when I take the dog with one of the kids we manage to walk together and talk.

My own conclusion btw is that the only way I can see my marriage to be manageable is if we are ‘together apart’ so yes arrived, seeing each other but having two different houses and living as if I didn’t have the support I would expect from DH.

Because what’s also extremely hard is to expect some support, showing care etc… and then get nothing. For ne, I think it’s harder than not getting support knowing I won’t get any (eg because we are not in the same house)

I recently just got fed up and told DH that he doesn't know how to have a conversation. He never asks any questions he just monologues at me. He can happily talk forever about work, politics, news, his special interests. He has zero interest in me as a person and after years of enduring I've reached the point of thinking he is fundamentally broken in some basic way. If he was less arrogant I could 'train' him into basic conversational skills. I think I've run out of good will.

We had a row about the freezer last night. We can basically have a row about anything at this point. In that regard it could just be a standard unhappy marriage. The exceptional thing in our case is his total lack of self-awareness plus an arrogant disregard for any need to change.

Honestly to anyone wavering I would get out now while you have your health. Change will not come. The capacity to change is simply absent in many of our spouses.

It is so much harder when health issues etc are in the mix too. If you are young or at least well and reading this, set a timeline - a short, definite one - then act on it. Don't wait. So many of us here are frogs boiled alive, hoping and believing that things will improve. In my experience thus far, they don't.

I hear you SquirrelSoShiny but I have 3 DC, although in their 20s now, they still live at home. If I think about our future together once DC have left home it makes me sad, so one day at a time. I'm trying to carve out a bit of a life for myself as DH not interested in anything socially. This is the only way I can cope at the moment

@SpecialMangeTout I totally understand the "together apart" analogy. Dh is away a lot and I feel less alone when I'm alone,😔 I also have broached the idea of us getting two separate residencies after the kids leave home. I start panicking when I think of him retiring and the kids not here.
@SquirrelSoShiny I have been in denial about dh's ability to change for too long now. I'm always making excuses, compromising, backing off, switching off.
Deny, deny, deny is my go to.
I can't quite accept that this is my reality. Definate Ostrich mode here.

@SpecialMangeTout yep, I'm with you. Together apart.

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy yep, same here. Ostrich mode when I think about his retirement and the kids have left home. Talking to mother in law, she felt exactly the same and has been saying to me for a while that I need to build my own life. For her it was the Church as FIL was the Minister but that isn't for me. I now understand what she means as DH is exactly like his father who I'm convinced was also undiagnosed autistic as I can see so many traits

Fidelius my DH talks at me too, no back and forth with conversation. He just talks and talks without taking a breath! I'm like hello I'm here

Just catching up and nodding along, together apart definitely have now settled in to this dynamic, and almost shocked that he hasn't noticed or raised anything with me, so therefor assume he has no issue.

I had a chat with a very old friend recently who has know both me and my partner from the beginning of our relationship. She was saying how much he loved me, she has always said this, but my thinking is now that if I don't FEEL the love, actually have it expressed to me in a way I can hear and feel, in the way of empathy, support, consideration, making me feel valued and desired (I actually can't remember what it feels like to be desired, I mean I can get consideration, support, etc from friends but desire is completely lost), does it count? because for a long time I really really tried to make it count. But now I don't consider it to count. At all.

@bunhead1979 I once asked DW whether she loved me. She replied "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you". I told her I needed more than that to feel loved. She told me "I can't help how you feel".

She will hug and cuddle the young adult DCs, tell them that she loves them etc. For me nothing.

@bunhead1979 I've been thinking a lot about it too. DH's attitude is very much that of course he loves me because he pays the bills / does housework etc. And by his standards he probably does love me except the lack of connection and affection and simply having my company enjoyed is killing me now. No sex, separate rooms, no affection ever, no interest in me or being around me. It is the loneliest life in the world. No shared goals. No shared enjoyment in life.

My future pretty much looks like: I will become progressively disabled, ND DC will leave, I'll be trapped with a stranger who might at least pay the electric bill but who shuts me out of all financial information so I don't even know what debt etc I'll be left with. I have no family locally. I think I'm writing this all down to terrify myself into action.

SquirrelSoShiny we share a bed but no sex, no affection, nothing. I feel very lonely, stuck at home all day then being talked at when he returns from work and told that I must feel grateful 🙄we do nothing together, we are housemates really that just have 3 DC in common and that is it.

Fidelius having grown up in a single parent family where DF and DM hated each, being used as a spy for retrospective parents I can't bring myself to do that to my DC which is why I've endured it so long.

@Fidelius don't you find it interesting how many of us on this thread have ended up with serious illnesses? Chronic stress is often a factor in for example autoimmune disease.

Sometimes I think staying is accelerating my decline.