Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

@Daftasabroom I'm not sure what I missed there as you tagged me in a now deleted post.

@SquirrelSoShiny I understabd squirrel. I separated a year ago but sadly Ive traded one lonliness for another. Massive judgement from my mother and zero support. Its a whole other lonliness with two gorgeous kids. He is a good man but I couldnt bare the lonliness but I definetly havent come out the other side. Now I am racked with guilt. Feel like it is a dead end whereever I go.

@SquirrelSoShiny too many people hide behind twitching curtains, refuse to reveal themselves, simply wish to shut down discussion that doesn't suit their agenda.

It's very sad because it damages the very things they hold dear.

To whom ever is equesting posts be taken down, I am more than happy to have a discussion, even a debate. But I have no idea what your actual problem with my posts are, so I'll just keep going if that's okay?

MumsNet please let us know what the specific complaint is, of we don't know what the issue is how can we address it?

I've no idea, I think it's really damaging to democracy that some people think it's okay to mute others without explanation, just on a blind, prejudicial, myopic, authoritarian dogma.

But, hey ho.

I love my ND family and will always advocate for their right to be different. I will rile against anything that tries to sweep that under the carpet or pretend we are the same.

Deleting my posts is deleting my advocacy for my autistic son.

Every time this thread gets visitors it reinforces my decision to separate. That last one sbout ‘if you’re so unhappy, why stay’ framed as curiosity but really wait to attack was so familiar. My STBX keeps starting these email ‘discussions about logistics that seem innocent but go from ‘what days would be best? But then he can’t cope with having to make plans and starts ranting shouts the mess I’ve made and everything’s my fault. No matter who he talks to ends with him mad. It’s no way to live.

What really pisses me off is the sheer hypocrisy.

So there was outcry that I dare putting a link to another thread, not to sneer, not to attack, not to judge but to learn what some ND find difficult. To learn from the ND people themselves - because who else apart from them will know how it is to live as a ND person? Right?

But it’s ok to have ND policing this thread, jumping to make comments/PA attacks etc… and we are supposed to take them as fair enough and be open to discussion.
But READING a thread? Fuck how dare you!!

And then those same people started a thread in Relationship basically making fun of this thread. And interestingly, same user names too.
And I assume that is ok too?? Because you know free speech etc…

Sorry but in which world is it acceptable to see yourself as so superior to others that you can tell them what they can post, police every word, go in a support thread to attack and then play the victim?
If they wanted to give an example on how great autistic people are, it sure isn’t the way. Because they are just portraying themselves as twats with no respect for other people struggles. But sure, it’s posters on this thread who just don’t love enough, aren’t accommodating enough etc….

Maybe MNHQ needs to actually do some homework there and look at the background of some of the ‘more aggressive’ posters who constantly come back to attack, judge and police the us.

And btw the issue here is that it stops communication.
It pits NT and ND against each other.

Instead if having open discussion, which some ASD posters have shown it is totally possible to do (and I’ve learnt a lot from them), it shuts communication down. It’s trying to put blame on the struggle of a marriage in one person rather than looking at what could be done better. What are the sticking points, the varying needs that clash. Some of which are NOT always clear or visible (you often only see the result - a meltdown not the build up).

And pointing out fingers, blaming has never ever help improve communication and find solution.

After observing these threads a long time now, I am very glad that some autistic people come here who take the time to write with understanding, intelligence and compassion; sometimes sadly underconfident. Because I'm afraid that the likes of the people who come here posting for pages ruining this thread that no one is ever allowed to even read their thread do the cause of autism no good at all.

Yes I agree with the posts here entirely. And yes the constant carping attacks here make me more likely to separate not less.

And as for the other thread ... I saw the name, gave a knowing smirk... and hid the thread. Wow! It was literally that easy. Not that it applied to me since I'm not NT anyway 😂

So to the ploppers... feel free to hit hide thread. It really is that simple.

My latest 72 hour crisis has passed. They always do but they're getting closer and closer together - and yes, a plopper invasion has in the past precipitated such a crisis because they expose some of my husband's disordered thinking so plainly that the scales fall from my eyes and I lose all hope.

But in the end we had a mostly nice weekend. I watched Glastonbury evening headliners on TV with DH and that is literally the most time we have spent together in many, many months. And I spent really nice time with DC and friends which is where I'm putting my efforts now.

And then those same people started a thread in Relationship basically making fun of this thread. And interestingly, same user names too.

I reported that thread to mumsnet, they openly admitted it was a pisstake thread of this one but mumsnet thinks its OK to have a whole thread taking the piss out of other people's relationship issues. I get that the posters on that thread have special needs and mumsnet will make allowances for that just as they do when they delete pretty much any post on here that someone requests but imo it is taking it too far. I don't expect that this post will stay but mumsnet when it is reported and you read it before deleting do take a minute to ask yourself if threads taking the piss out of people being cheated on or in abusive marriages etc would be allowed to stand on this board. If they aren't then why is a self confessed thread taking the piss out of this one allowed?

Personally I think that thread was started because they know very well that those same comments would be deleted if there were in this thread. Like many other posts from SOME autistic people who think nothing about attacking other posters.

@SquirrelSoShiny i agree about the hide button. I skimmed through 10 posts, got the just iIf it and click the hide button too. It was really simple wsn’t it? No anger, no stress from unknown posters who I wouldn’t want in my life in RL anyway (because I will NOT accept anyone showing so little respect for me as a person).

@leithreas , special treatment because they have special needs? Sorry but making accommodation for disabled people does NOT include accepting being disrespectful. There is a difference between having no filter and purposefully attacking people and taking the piss out of them. And they clearly KNOW it was an attack.
So no, sorry but no special protection should be given to anyone who goes on a war path in this way. In a relationship, this would be controlling and abusive. And we’ve been told many many times, it’s not a feature of autism and simply can’t be related to that. So no. MNHQ would make a big mistake in not recognising that these are people and like any other person they have flawed and should be submitted to the same rules as anyone else.

That's a really beautiful and truthful post.

I think it's why I'm reaching breaking point. I'm the one doing the endless self-reflection and adaptation. DH just carries on his merry way. He is in complete denial about his multiple autism traits.

His latest denial is around eldest DC having some similar traits, so much so that two separate medical professionals urged assessment for them and they are now on the ASD assessment pathway.

But, nope! No ASD here! Nothing to see! In spite of the same DC saying, 'Daddy was like Young Sheldon when he was a kid but now he's grown up!' And the same DC is completely chill about ASD assessment as am I and the only one objecting is DH. It's like a self-hatred projected onto DC and onto me for daring to allow the assessment process to be started even though DC was absolutely clear they wanted it.

Same here re blame.

and refusing to deal with the impact of ND on our kids. It’s incredible to observe, I cannot NOT see it.

the kids will be fine. He is doing his best and they know he loves them, and that’s really what matters. They also know he is self centred wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire if it messed up his plans and that granny and their uncles and most of their cousins are similar.

Agree with every word mangetout. That thread has not made me more tolerant of my husband,if anything the opposite. And yes the same posters pop up regularly…

Home.

I read a big chunk of that thread and it leaves me feeling very conflicted, much like my marriage really. The title and 1st post may have been an attempt at satire but the rest just came across as crass, snide, nastiness.

I found it really sad that the thread became about slagging off the parents of NT or possibly ND children. As the parent of a ND young adult I think these attitudes by some in the ND community are very damaging.

The NT/NF threads are our threads. They describe our everyday lives, they are very personal and each of us have reached where we are and have our own journeys ahead.

I haven't read it but if it's anything like our hostile visitors here I think people probably get a good insight into what many of us experience in our marriages. It's all sunlight to be honest.

I see such love, frustration, sadness and compassion on these threads. Just people who fell in love with people with 'social and communication issues' desperately trying to preserve our marriages and family lives, often at great personal cost.

I'm really glad that comes across to be honest. There have been lots of attacks by those posters on these threads, then when challenged lots of 'OMG you're picking on meeeeee!' Classic DARVO.

I've been on these threads a long time now (and lurked long before I ever posted). I've never seen casual cruelty or vicious attacks. The occasional rant by someone at breaking point (I've been that soldier) as a safe space to vent to people who understand.

And I also want to be clear: we have some lovely autistic posters on this thread who post with huge compassion and empathy and who genuinely offer useful insights. They are welcomed here. I suspect they would be totally embarrassed by the other thread. I've no intention of 'gracing it with my presence' - I'm a grown up and I know how to hide threads 😏

I think @SquirrelSoShiny 'gracing it with your presence' would probably only be acceptable should you capitulate to the madness that there is only one 'right' side of things and that you need to put up and shut up with what I agree is frankly abusive behaviour!
The attempt to pastiche this thread is juvenile and yawnsome.

I agree @SquirrelSoShiny . It’s nice to see that they are coming across like this to others too.

And I also agree with @Fidelius about an immaturely developed sense of personal responsibility and an ongoing denial of fault.

Strangely enough, we’ve made comments about the fact some if those posters were just replicating what we see at home. So it sort if confirm autism has a huge part to play. But of course that idea was vehemently rejected!! It was all our fault as NT because we are just too ableist to give them the appropriate accommodations.

And you know what? I bought into that for years and years.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose I'm afraid you have just received a taste of what we experience here regularly. But thanks for posting.

Oh so some people don’t like to be told they aren’t nice.
But are quite happy to dish it out to others I see….

And MNHQ is still oblivious of their role in the bullying that is going on.
Whilst whoever us reporting doesn’t dare coming over and tell people what they’re problem is. Wonder why….