Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

@RelationshipOrNot you are more than welcome on here :):)

From what you said you are doing a few things already

• 1 you are aware of what’s working or not for you
• 2 you are wanting to communicate with your DP
• 3 you are very aware of his own needs and they need to be met too..

These are all things I’d wish my dh would do and that I’m sure would make things 109x easier.

My other comment is please remember that NT have their own issues too. Communication problems can well also be linked to a communication problem from the NT. Or an inability to express their needs or wishes etc….
Eg on the two examples you give, I’d be doing exactly the same than you. I’m picky about what we eat because I have a chronic illness and eating well helps me. I can’t listen to DH music for very long because I find heavy metal simply stressful. After 20 mins, I can feel all my muscles tensing, me getting stressed. I can’t cope with it. And I’m NT.

So it’s not an ASD/NT issue, it’s a need issue.
You have specific needs. Others might well have those too.
And your DP has specific needs. And maybe he is extremely laid back. Or maybe he simply can’t hold his own boundaries and has learnt that saying Yes is always safer. Or maybe there is something else going on there.

But I’d start with talking about what you need, as an individual, to be happy. So what you need, what he needs. And then build up from that.
Then you remove the guilt/shame of ‘asking too much because of your ‘special’ needs’ from the conversation. I think that’s helpful for both sides.

Ha ha ha @RelationshipOrNot DS and DW (both AS) had a heated discussion about the volume of music today. DS described low volume music as really weak squash, the noise disturbs the silence, just as plain water is more refreshing.

He actually said it with less words but much more eloquently than that. A teacher once reported that his answers were perfect he just doesn't use many words.

Re you're DP, and this works in both directions, take the time to listen and understand, not just heat. Talk. Talk. Talk.

As @SpecialMangeTout says, and again this probably applies to all relationships, for both of you figure out what your must haves or needs are, and then what your nice to haves are. I think the Rolling Stones wrote a song about this.

Autistic person, please. Why: https://aucademy.co.uk/2021/11/25/resources-supporting-preference-but-importantly-wellbeing-properties-of-identity-first-language-we-are-autistic/

tl;dr I am an autistic person. I am a person with a cat. Take my cat away and I will still be me. You can't take my autism away. There is no non-autistic Vito trapped inside, autism is fundamental to who I am.

@grandmaintraining the vast majority of autistic people prefer to be called autistic. Multiple research studies have shown this.

Struggling with loneliness today. I don't know why but maybe it's hearing other people planning holidays etc and just seeing couples out and about. It just hit me suddenly how deeply lonely I am in this marriage and it's the bit that will never change. And I just don't think I have the energy to change it. It all feels too late. I left it too late to leave, comprised my health by staying and now it's too late.

I feel like I ruined my life on my wedding day. And then I embedded that destruction by staying and staying.

Sorry. I just needed to say it. You understand.

@SquirrelSoShiny ((hugs))

Its hard. The loneliness is so hard.
No advice but I get you.

@SquirrelSoShiny Totally understand. Dh works away a lot, and I actually feel less lonely when he is gone😕

It IS hard @SquirrelSoShiny 🙁
Is there any way you could go on holiday etc with friends instead? I know it's not the same but I find it's better than on my own.

Well we got here, just. I'm having to take myself off to wind down. DW had fretted and worried over every detail, I know (now) it's probably anxiety over a new experience and trying to think ahead. Even the kids were telling her to chill. DS losing his passport at EU customs probably took it all to another level.

@RelationshipOrNot do things like holidays and new experiences stress you out?

I wish I could but unsurprisingly they are holidaying with their families. I have far fewer friends now because my single friends drifted away when I moved to my husband's area. Once I was married I expected to socialise as a couple. Ha ha. More fool me.

I feel bitter today to be honest. It's hard staying positive. And I very much miss having a lover - someone who enjoys my company and is interested in me as a person. Someone who wants to hold me instead of hugging like a robot when begged to do so.

I can't actually bear what my life has become and it feels like my fate now is to diminish and shrink pretty much until I die. Yes this probably sounds dramatic but that is quite honestly how I feel today. It will pass. It always passes. I almost wish it wouldn't because then I might finally leave.

@SquirrelSoShiny sorry if I’m missing something but if you are that unhappy, regret marrying him and don’t see a better future why are you together?

Thanks so much @BlueTick that's such a helpful post x

Would you mind pming me about where you got the testing done? I'm trying to follow a dietary protocol for my autoimmune disease and this would be really useful information.

@Dustyyy I didn't have the energy to reply but hopefully @BlueTick has clarified. My health failed just as I was gathering the insights and resources to finally leave. The moral of the story is don't wait. I did and I bitterly regret it.

I could have written your words . Husband is lovely and I see the masking every day and the energy he gives to understand me ..but he doesn’t understand how fucking lonely I feel . Thankfully my children now as adults can understand my frustration. I am a really sociable,gregarious person but my husband unintentionally’ruins’ any fun.If I could turn the clock back at least 15 years and understood ND I would have separated from him …feel rubbish even writing this 😣

Husband is off to work at job 3. We have no plans today so I'm starting a mass declutter. I think I'm feeling that subconscious itch to be ready to move.

Personally I find those types of answers just shit. Whatever relationship it is. I’d say the same when it’s an NT/NT marriage, an abusive one etc….

It reeks of being judgemental about the poster’s decision. Fir me, it sounds like a PA put down and is no way helpful to the poster.

I wish those posts were nit normalised on MN on the grounds on ‘telling it straight’ etc..l

Another deleted post. I'm going to repost.

The "autistic creature" concept was created by members of the autistic community to describe the feeling of sensory overload or external demands.

I was introduced to it by my autistic son. He described how for him, many of his autistic friends and others in the autistic community it coveys the lack of control that may lead to meltdowns and shutdowns.

For me it was a revelation in terms of being able to understand how autism effects my DS and DW in particular situations. I posted in the hope that it might help others understand and communicate better.

I think it's fabulous that DS has found something that can communicate how autism effects him. I get that some might not like it, but for some the autism creature is a positive way of expressing things that can be difficult to communicate.

Surely that is a good thing and may one day make the need for threads like these redundant.

p.s. adjective first is his preferred grammar.

Post edited by MNHQ

You were much more eloquent than me @Daftasabroom.

I congratulate some of you for staying, I couldn't, got married and then there was a personality transplant when children arrived. The most unloving man possible. I got a divorce and only regretted having not paid more attention when younger. My mistake, not his, but it was an emotional disaster for me and the children. I judge myself for it, but also him, because of the cruelty of his responses to the children attributed to his condition. While different, this cruelty finished off the marriage for good. At one point he really thought it was just a question of earning money and we were being very unreasonable.

Now making another woman equally unhappy and they have no end of counseling.

@Daftasabroom thanks for reposting.
id never come across it and it’s a really interesting take. Just as it is interesting how polarised the autistic community seems to be around it.

(I imagine this is also why your post was deleted - this thread, despite the screams about ‘how dare you reading our threads for autistic people’ before, seems to be heavily ‘monitored’ …..)

Going to make more reading around it but I agree that anything that helps breach the gap between ND and NT and improve communication and understanding is a good thing.