Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Why on earth have I been deleted? Will I get an email saying what was done wrong? Are we not allowed to say some people are abusive? Or does mumsnet believe some abuse is ok?

If you report your deleted post and ask for the reason you will be given a reason. You may be encouraged to repost using slightly different wording or you can of course ask for your post to be reinstated.

I hope you do to be honest. I think a few persistent posters have been playing MN mods like a fiddle for way too long. The DARVO tactics have worked. I hope HQ start to look at the bigger picture.

So apparently hq say I am disabilist for suggesting that some people seem to think that having a diagnosis means you can sat what you want, and also a hate speaker for saying some people can be arseholes.
I'm very sorry for breaking the guidelines, but it's good to know these and be reassured to know can report similar and these will be deleted also.

the last, I'm afraid.

Mine is on a good phase just now. He has organised a holiday for the first time ever and that is really great. He’s done it all, too, which is a first. He did it because he saw I was busy with work so he stepped up without asking.

im on shock

this happens about every 5 years, when he really feels the threat of divorce.

which raises the question, if he can do it now why couldn’t he do it last year or ten years ago? Why these flash in the pan things?

im going, but I’m skepticsl

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople nice bit of stalking going on there.….

'Everyone on this thread gets upset with any autistic poster who says that autism doesn’t by default make you an abusive partner or if we ask why don’t you leave an abusive partner.'

I don't think it's quite as clear cut as that. Actions can be experienced as abusive without the intention being there to be abusive. This is likely more common when someone has social and communication issues (literal defining traits of autism). My DH for example would hit the bar for financial abuse but I don't think he actually intends to be abusive. He just has a rather rigid outlook on financial matters and an arrogance that goes hand in hand with that.

We've seen it here when a number of posters have swooped onto this thread and essentially attacked us. Probably they thought they were fighting the good fight or something. For many of us here, it felt like an attack. And the battering ram approach reminded many of us of our partners and actually it seemed like a good indication of 'social and communication issues', plus a certain lack of humility.

I mean why are you even here? Seriously? I saw someone had started a thread with a title that sounded like a parody of this thread and I just hid the thread. I left them to do their thing. Yet here you are searching my posts ffs! I don't give a shit what you post about, live your best virtual life! The constant intrusions here are so tone deaf and so self-righteous. There's such a self-centredness and a lack of self-awareness.

And yet someone will probably read this and run to MNHQ crying that it's a personal attack!!!

And as for why we don't leave? What a simplistic outlook. Some of us have health issues or financial issues or all the other things that keep people trapped. Many of us are eroded by years of living with partners who don't listen to us or don't actually hear us even when they do physically sit there. They only hear their own viewpoint. A bit like a few people who parachute into this thread, sledgehammer in hand. And to be honest I never report their posts, I just sit back and think, thanks for illustrating our daily lives so clearly.

@SquirrelSoShiny you are much kinder than I am.

Personally when looking at @StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople post, I see a personal attack, stalking and bullying.

Interesting that it happened too just after we call the behaviour if some autistic people out re ‘that’ thread. Coincidence? Or a need to prove they are ‘better’ and we are ‘illogical’ again?

For clarity, when person B spends their time attacking, belittling and judging person A, it is then foolish fur person B to then expect a serious and respectful conversation with person A. How can person A ever trust person B is here genuinely trying to improve things?? Would anyone do that?

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople im sorry but as far as I am you’ve just missed the whole point if this thread.

Its very easy to tell someone to LTB, much harder to do it yourself.
As we have all said many times, the behaviour might feel abusive but i certainly have been aware many times that it wasn’t abuse but DH wish to be in control (and that was coming from autism).

You seem to be keeping very clear tabs on what has been said on these threads fur many many months, don’t you have any memories of those posts??
Why do you think it’s ok to ask anyone in this thread to explain themselves? To justify their position to you?

Sorry but my patience is wearing very thin on that sort if behaviour tbh.

Good grief here is @StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople to tell us off again because she thinks that trying to keep a marriage together is hateful.

you are accusing, misinterpreting and attacking.

it seems to be your default setting, you contribute nothing to the discussion on this thread you just want to correct us.

this thread isn’t for you. Scamper off to the other one and enjoy it.

Please leave us alone and stop hi jacking this thread which is for support.

I don't know if 'nice' is the right word, but stalking seems appropriate...
Also a bit frightening.

I don't think you read a single word I wrote. Or rather you did but through a very specific filter i.e. banging the same old drum. You're just going to have to assume that I know my husband, whereas you don't. Abuse is about intention as well as action is how I tend to view it but in the end the actions are experienced the same. But with my DH I do not actually believe he intends to be abusive. He has a rigid outlook on certain things and at times becomes completely overloaded.

I don't even know why I bother engaging with you. You don't 'hear' what I'm saying.

All I can tell you is that I don't in fact dislike a single autistic person I have known in my daily life. I don't owe you or anyone else an explanation for my posts on threads but in the specific case you mentioned I'll indulge you.

'georgarina · Yesterday 16:46

ADHD makes me struggle with organisation and motivation. It doesn't make me abuse and exploit my partner.

Hope you're ok. And yes, ltb x

Me: This.'

I literally wrote the word 'This.' Like the person I agreed with, I struggle with organisation and motivation which is why it resonated with me. I actually recognise that my ADHD has an impact on my relationships and interactions, unlike people who land here with no self-awareness or insight to carp on

I truthfully could not give less of a shit if you think I'm a hypocrite. You are a random stranger on Mumsnet. Your behaviour frequently crosses the line into bullying. I don't report it. I let it stand. I let your words and actions speak for themselves.

I think you should report bullying behaviour @SquirrelSoShiny .
Actually we all should.

Because it’s not ok.
And people who bully, harass or stalk should be held into account.

And I doubt that @StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople is engaging in good faith anyway.

Because when you do, you dont start with stalking and attacking the person you want to engage with.

As f someone whose started the LTB process, I can say one reason people stay is because leaving someone like this feels impossible. DH mean before and meaner niw, but still wants to come back if I stop ‘making drama’. Meanwhile because he has been so controlling I do not have a single thing that just mine or seperate from him and gave to keep asking for ‘permission’ and him helping me to actually leave him. Much harder than being married when someone won’t except an ending - because he thinks nothing is wrong so nothing should change - and refuses to talk about it either. Still social and communication problems - surprise! you really need to be preoared for a loooong battle and not everyone can.

Sorry for mangling the English language. Can’t figure out how to edit a post .

Typed my message and lost it. Massively struggling with my asd undiagnosed husband and I cannot see a way forward. He resists any dialogue, potential therapy, etc.

@mangothief you made total sense.
I’m not sure I have an answer.
atm DH is set in a project that just doesn’t work fir me. I told him so. Because of communication issues, he avoids tackling the issues, bury his head in the sand, keeps pushing hoping fur a different answer….
Even though it’s not about separating (but could well become that), I can see how hard work it is.
im afraid I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to be as independent as possible now in casse everything goes to pot.

@SomehowLost ((hugs))
I dont know if this would help you, but I found the message goes better if I talk about needs - his needs, my needs and both are as valuable as each other. And then I let him think.
Dialogue, compromise, partnership just do not work. Heck, he can’t do that for choosing a pizza with me on my b’day (and yes he struggled ‘letting’ me chose…).
Its definitively 100% harder with no diagnosis and no insight into their behaviour.

I nearly lost it with our counsellor this week.. he is telling the events in a skewed way which is not what actually happened and I’m not coming across well. I said about him perceiving criticism from me all the time and she said she would feel cristiised also if I had said to her what I had said to him. I had to tell her that I didn’t say it in that tone and hadn’t gone the way he had said but o don’t think she believed me.
im not sure I want to go back there to be honest!

How many of you knew from the beginning that your dp had their diagnosis?
I'm struggling with how I'm "supposed " to be.
Dh and I have been together for 25 years, only found out recently he had been diagnosed with a form of ADHD as a child.
So for 24+ years I have considered him to be, on occasion, an a$$hole😉 His questionable social skills, attitude, decision making skills, lack of consideration etc.....
Typical long term relationship feelings I would think.
Now I have this new information I am struggling with how I think about everything.
I feel guilty now for all the times I got angry, upset, annoyed, disappointed, sad or letdown by him, even though these things angered, upset,annoyed, disappointed and made me sad.
I realise I don't actually know what to do with this new information 25 years in.
He is who he is and has always been. I'm the one who just doesn't know where I stand anymore.
Am I allowed to still get annoyed and irritated?
Do I have to bite my tongue?
Can he still be an a$$hole, on occasion,obviously?
Am I allowed to call him out on anything anymore ?
Maybe I'm just over thinking things now.
Any insight would be helpful 💐

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy Your feelings are your feelings. You're entitled to them. You are 'allowed' to have any feelings that arise (some are more helpful than others!)

As others have said, it's not about 'allowed' or 'blame/guilt'. It's about your needs and feelings.

Fwiw, no matter the cause His questionable social skills, attitude, decision making skills, lack of consideration etc..... Is bound to make anyone annoyed sometimes!

it's very hard to do, but I think the most healthy way to frame it is 'this is him, I am not perfect either, but is what I'm getting/giving enough for this relationship to function well and make -both- of us happy, enough of the time".

About calling him out - if you don't, if you have to bite your lip every single time, then you are silenced. That will not work in the long term.

The diagnosis might allow you to genuinely give him a bit more rope, but it's not a free pass for any behaviour. Apart from anything else, allowing people to do whatever they want without boundaries tends to lead to the person's more difficult behaviour getting worse and worse over time.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar
" This is him, I am not perfect either, but is what I'm getting/giving enough for this relationship to function well and make -both- of us happy, enough of the time".
That part resonated with me. Thanks.