Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Nothing physical has ever happened with dh. He is very unemotional about most things. Except when he is giving bad news, then he has a big smile on his face. When his mum died, when a relative was in a coma, when a child really injured themself. Huge grin.
He equates sex and affection as the same. A hug from him means he can grope me, a dry hump or put my hand down his pants.
Me showing affection is him receiving sex.
We don't share a bed now, we don't have sex, we don't kiss or hug. I just want a hug. He just wants sex.
I realise I'm going through my whole marriage and trying to see things differently. I understand that there are no 'rights' and 'wrongs' here. I'm not going to blame dh for the state of our relationship. There has been so much miscommunication since the beginning. Now we are where we are. Sad and so very lonely, for me anyway.

I just want a hug. He just wants sex.

Same here 😢😢
Talked many times about it.
It never sunk in. I think in part because he can’t do the connecting in any other way.

You mention bad news. Dh wouldn’t smile. But he has this wall around him that is impossible to break. Even when his dad died.

Yep I relate to both of you on this.

I think the lack of intimacy, physical, emotional, sexual even intellectual intimacy is really hard to bear.

I'll join the list here. It's an indescribably bleak experience.

The Lack of intimacy also means that any plan to build something together is thwarted. Because you need to share your hopes, your dreams, make yourself vulnerable in the process and be ready to listen to the other person dreams and plan so they come out as a common project/dreams/life goals

DH has an inability and/or unwillingness to enter into any hypothetical discussion. Any "what if..." discussion that I might start is shut down with a comment saying that it's not worth talking about if it's not even definitely going to happen. So much for sharing hopes and dreams and thoughts of the future. We only ever talk about actual things now, but that's a much-reduced version of what a relationship could be, in my humble opinion.

Good grief. I knew it was going to happen, but all the same;

We've just had five hours of running battles over what will fit in the car for our trip away. When I say battles I mean name calling, effing and blinding, I'm not coming etc etc.

I know that that, in and of itself, is not autistic, but I know DW had spent months micro planning in her head what she is going to take, which box it's going in etc etc. She's never communicated any of this of course.

Unfortunately she's also packed 3x what we can actually fit in the car.

No we do not need three towels each. No you do not need three different types of flip flops. We certainly do not need 30 mostly empty bottles of sun cream.

We have a large estate car with possibly the biggest roof rack known to man. Yet she's still insisting that easyJet with hand luggage only and hiring a micro car would be simpler and cheaper.

And yes, I know she is hyper anxious about something she has never done before. And I know I'm pretty laid back about traveling etc. But the tantrums are really too much.

Interestingly diagnosed AS DS is completely fine, I guess because he's not that invested. He's actually very huggy today which is nice.

Sorry you're having a rubbish start to your vacation Daft. Will things settle down eventually? Or is this the tempo the whole time?

Hang in there @Daftasabroom hopefully things will settle.

Does your wife have ADHD as well as autism? She sounds very reactive. Sometimes the way you describe her makes me cringe with recognition in those high stress moments like packing ( I will have mini tantrums although post diagnosis I'm much better at feeling the pressure building and retreating from high conflict situations. Ironically I'm now better regulated than DH a lot of the time!). Does your wife take any responsibility for emotionally regulating herself?

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy hmmm, I'm expecting multiple meltdowns, basically the world rarely behaves the way she expects.

Weirdly DS doesn't seem to have much expectation of the way the world is going to behave so seems to have an easier time adjusting.

I’m having this issue as well. They sit in the room with me but have no interest in interacting. I appreciate they may find it tiring, whereas I am all energy. But I struggle with working out how much of it is tiredness and how much of it is not seeing me as someone worth making an effort with.

Can I ask for some advice as the autistic partner of a neurotypical person? I have occasionally posted on these threads before and read them to understand neurotypical perspectives of ND/NT relationships, and have always found them very helpful.

I've been with my partner for over a year now, after hesitating about seeking a relationship in part because I know that I can be difficult because of my autism. I love him so much, and it's the best relationship I've ever had.

My issue is that my partner is very laid back. On the one hand this is great, as it means that he is happy to do what I want to do (I know that sounds bad, and I'm not talking about big things, but e.g. what to have for dinner - it can be very stressful for me for other people to choose what I eat, whereas he is happy for me to decide, so it makes everyday life a lot less stressful). On the other hand, because he is so laid back and also isn't the type to talk about his feelings much (and I need them spelt out to me more than an NT person anyway, so I'm at an extra disadvantage in terms of understanding), I worry that over time he will resent me (or worse, is already) for not "letting" him fully be himself or decide what to do, or for making him live a constrained life.

I absolutely do NOT want to do that. It is hard to find a balance with things that I really do feel I need to be a certain way - I am really trying to relax on this and have in several areas, but I think it's a feature of my brain that will never go away. Because he doesn't push for what he wants (and I think is genuinely happy to go along with what I want, or at least if he isn't, then he doesn't tell me that), we can slip into a pattern of me saying, "OK, let's do this" and then that's what we do.

I read the posts on here where NT partners feel as though their sense of self has been gradually eroded by capitulating to the needs/wants of their ND partners, and who feel like they have been made smaller and forced to change, and that they regret ever entering into the relationship. It fills me with horror to think that my lovely partner might be made to feel like that.

I'm sorry, this is very long. My question is, what could your partner with ASD do or have done so that you would not feel like you had been forced to change into a less authentic version of yourself, without becoming NT themselves?

Thank you and apologies if I'm overstepping by asking for advice here.

(I should add that I do ask what he wants to do, but he usually says that he doesn't mind.)

@RelationshipOrNot can only write a quick post now but just want to reassure you that you are very welcome here and you are not overstepping at all x

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your partner and that you're well-matched. Food stuff sounds like a particularly good match as it causes lots of conflict in our house, mainly because my way of eating changed and my husband is an incredibly plain eater. Just be prepared to have separate meals over time but your partner may well be genuinely very chill and open to eating your foods - especially if you're a great cook 😁

More later.

And @relationship to answer your question my DH would help our relationship greatly by simply having the humility to listen when I tell him there's a problem or that I'm upset about something. He may not see the problem or mean to hurt me but the end result is the same. If he could see it and would listen, he could attempt to do something about it. So self-awareness is key, as is communication.

@RelationshipOrNot

My question is, what could your partner with ASD do or have done so that you would not feel like you had been forced to change into a less authentic version of yourself

Just ask that question occasionally. Which is probably a good question for anyone in any relationship NT ND or anything else.

I posted further up the thread that I'd been reading it as I was in the early stages of a relationship with someone ND, it's all come to a halt, and I'm not sure how much if that might be to do with the ND, and therefore how much leeway I should give him.

Basically, we had a very lovely date which was supposed to be followed by a "sleep over" date the following weekend, which he was as keen on as I was. But a few days before that planned date, he stopped reading my messages, and has only read them a week later. Now ordinarily I'm brutal on dating apps, but in this case, I'd Iike to give him the benefit of the doubt as I wonder if he's had a bit of a wobble because things were going faster/differently to how he expected, didn't read my messages and now is having a "what on earth do I do, I've ghosted her" flap.

To those of you with experience, does this sound like something which might have happened? And in which case, would it be helpful or otherwise to let him know I'm still interested if he is? We had previously talked about needing very clear communication, and although I'm quite hurt he ignored me, I'm prepared move past that, but I'm not sure how best to let him know

Any thoughts?

@SquirrelSoShiny @BlueTick @Daftasabroom Thank you for your posts. I try to be thoughtful, but equally I know that I can be rigid and annoying, and that some of that will never stop. We have been lucky with food, as we both tend to like the same sorts of things anyway.

I'll give an example of something where I have ended up imposing my preference and won't try to make myself sound more agreeable than I am - music. We have different tastes in music, and I am judgemental of things I don't like and find it hard to hide my true feelings. This has meant that we basically always listen to music I like or that we both like, but chosen by me. I feel really bad about this, and would like to encourage him to put on music he likes (I do find it uncomfortable to listen to unfamiliar music, especially in front of someone else, but I think this is something I can and should overcome). However, he now takes the attitude that he doesn't mind listening to my choices, as I wouldn't like the music he chooses anyway. I've tried saying that I really don't mind and would like to get to know his music better, but he is still not keen.

This is what I mean by my preferences gradually taking over, although this is the most extreme example for us. For those of you whose partners are like me, what could encourage you to open up more with the things you like, if something like this had already happened?

@BlueTick I really like the checking in idea, thank you.

I think you need to be careful. Whilst it is entirely possible he has panicked and now doesn’t know what to do, other interpretations are equally possible.

If I were you, I might see if it’s possible to be cordial with him to give him the space to say something. Then if he doesn’t say anything I think that might be your answer.

It’s best not to fall into the trap of thinking that if the person doesn’t do what you hope it just means they got a bit confused or overwhelmed. That leaves you open to being exploited by people who weren’t confused or overwhelmed

Although it is entirely possible your interpretation is correct and he is lovely and needs another chance.

Yeah, I think what I want is to let him know he can talk to me if he wants to, without worrying I'm going to be too annoyed/upset to listen to him. And see if he wants to. Fully aware he may just not be as in to me as I thought he was, I just didn't want to be too hasty if this was resolveable

One issue for me ….
If he is indeed overwhelmed and needs space and then you opening the conversation and coaxing him out of his overwhelm …. I’d say it’s unlikely that it will be a one off.

If this relationship was to move forward, are you also happy to deal with him getting overwhelmed and needing space/support to deal with situations?

It might be that you’d be happy because of <insert many qualities and good things he brings> or maybe this would be a passion killer for you in the LT.
i dint know. But I sure you would want to keep an eye on situations like this repeating themselves and I’d ask myself if I am TRULY ok with it.