Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Hi me again, I get my breast cancer results tomorrow, been through all the tests including biopsy and CT scan so not very hopeful of a positive result but DH appears ro be ignoring it, he's currently shut himself in his bedroom. I did end up telling him, over the phone, as he can talk better that way, but appears to be in total denial, meanwhile i'm left struggleing. I do get it's hard for him to process but I'm feeling so lonely tonight.
Sorry for the pity post but it's so hard tonight.

@classicslove hope today goes ok, sending lots of love x

@classicslove i hope you got the news you wanted ((hugs))

@classicslove 🤞

I hope that's a fingers crossed emoji but I haven't got my specs on. Hang in there, our thoughts are with you.

Thinking of you today @classicslove

Hi, Thank you so much for your messages it means a lot.
Unfortunately its as expected I now face 6 months chemo and then surgery. I won't derail this thread with updates but may pop back now and then because I think its going to be a long journey. DH is now back in his bedroom because I think he's had enough emotional turmoil for one day. Wish I had that luxury of being able to turn off. Thank you once again for your good wishes 😘

Take care @classicslove sorry you got bad news Wishing you strength.

So sorry, @classicslove, for that tough tough news. Stay strong, and find the friends who you know will support you all the way - they will be honoured to listen, help, love in any way you need. Wishing you the very best. 💐

So so sorry @classicslove xxx

@classicslove Really sorry to hear that :/ Wishing you the very best for the coming time.

Pop back whenever you need to and I hope you have support irl.

classicslove sorry to hear your news. Sending virtual hugs 💐

@classicslove sorry to hear your news and that you didn't get the empathy you deserved. I'm sure everyone would welcome you back whenever you want.

@Daftasabroom I was very interested to see your bank holiday comment. How are things now? We were in Cornwall for a week in what's usually our happy place. Partly due to reception and partly due to events its taken me this long to put things together. We had more basic accommodation than usual and I ended up having to urgently finish my post graduation qualifications there after 24 hours with no sleep which was definitely not the plan. My wife was super supportive and lovely for the 24 hours and drove all the way then got completely discombobulated and was really upset for the first couple of days and quite demanding for the rest. I ended up completely losing it and saying that I couldn't stand being married to her anymore then felt terrible afterwards. Thankfully that hit home rather than the 5 billion reasonable comments she'd not picked up on. And we had a lovely time in the end. The problem is these sort of dramatic exchanges work but basic communication doesn't and we really need another way. Partly a lesson to me not to be such a disorganised nightmare

I am so sorry @classicslove . You are welcome here for support, and I am wishing you all the best

Holidays and high days really mess me up tbh. Too much expectation around them.

@SquirrelSoShiny and @BlueTick they are actually generally a ton better for us because of our ridiculous jobs.

And also because we go to the same haven holiday site each time in the area my wife had all her childhood holidays. Its normally bliss.

It was not bliss because I dragged work into it and we got some super basic accommodation which was a bit gross. Also our little dog had not got the memo that he was being introduced to our happy place and was so overtired by the end of the week he was incredibly shouty. Still we turned it around in the end. And thankfully we've managed to get an access card which arrived at home when we got back. Fingers crossed!! Its a shame there was no turning things around till they got really challenging.

Once we get there, it's normally okay as long as I accept that we can only go at DWs pace, which is slow. I'll post more later.

Any multi family events can be a total nightmare. So if we go away with either of our siblings families and Christmas in particular. While I've learnt to let DW do things her way at her pace, the more people there are the less likely this is. Invariably this leads to some kind of meltdown.

I ended up completely losing it and saying that I couldn't stand being married to her anymore then felt terrible afterwards. Thankfully that hit home rather than the 5 billion reasonable comments she'd not picked up on.

Yep.
Ive noticed that too.
And I hate it tbh. Because if I’m going to say I have enough and want a divorce, it’s because I actually do…. Not as a threat or a way to finally make myself heard.

@SpecialMangeTout that was the trouble. In that moment I couldn't think of anything more glorious than just disappearing from her, freaked me out a bit. When DW is anxious she's extremely clingy but also not able to communicate well and doesn't respect personal space. Our house chain has become very shakey just beg exchange and we had to come back a day early to sort a surprise valuation. I was a lot better after a night in the (damp) spare room. Whoever said never to bed on an argument gave bad advice
**

I guess you aren't in the UK?

In England if your husband died without a will then usually the property would go to you as his wife. It wouldn't get sold. So he would sort of have a point. But if you aren't then i can see why you are frustrated.