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Original poster

Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

984 replies

Daftasabroom · 12/04/2023 11:55

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Page 40 | Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7 | Mumsnet

Mumsnet makes parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support on everything from conception to childbirth, from babies to teenagers.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4681774-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasc-support-thread-7?page=40&reply=125367664

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
SweetSakura · 13/05/2023 22:50

@BlueTick you are married though? So you will inherit. You are reading the rules all wrong (I am a lawyer and have practised in this area).

BlueTick · 13/05/2023 23:36

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ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 13/05/2023 23:45

Am i being unreasonable? I feel quite broken again this evening by DH. As though i've asked for something unreasonable.

You are not being unreasonable.

Any married couple should make a will. Many don't but they should. The surviving partner can be in a surprisingly vulnerable position and I know from experience there can be some really strange quirks that make no sense.

Making a will is the responsible and sensible thing to do.

Is he terrified of dying?

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 13/05/2023 23:45

(sorry, my experience was from a family member, not partner)

SweetSakura · 13/05/2023 23:49

Why aren't you on the deeds? That seems the bigger issue. If you were joint tenants you wouldn't need to worry about the house.
And yes everyone should have a will but for a lot of married people the intestacy rules aren't a disaster.k. Certainly on its own it wouldn't be something I would divorce overz, but it sounds like there is a lot more going on. I think it's just important to recognise that

BlueTick · 13/05/2023 23:54

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BlueTick · 13/05/2023 23:55

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SweetSakura · 13/05/2023 23:56

Ah see that makes more sense and it doesn't sound easy at all or fair. He has left you in a vulnerable position

BlueTick · 14/05/2023 00:02

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BlueTick · 14/05/2023 00:08

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SweetSakura · 14/05/2023 00:18

@BlueTick I can understand that. Dh's ex was money obsessed to the point it broke their relationship, and she still fixates on hoarding money to the point she prioritises it over her relationship with her children. I went to see her to try and point out how much harm she was doing prioritising money over her children (DSD) in particular and I just couldn't get through. It's a total fixation. I hope you can get some progress with him

TomPinch · 14/05/2023 01:18

@BlueTick
I am not in the UK (bear in mind that E+W, Sco and NI are separate jurisdictions and have their own rules) but I'm in one with a legal system that's so similar that its highest appeal court was UK judges in London until two decades ago.

You would need legal advice to be sure of your own position, but the general rule is that if a person dies intestate then the most closely-associated people, such as a spouse, inherit.

The point I'd be making is that it's cheaper, quicker and easier if there's made a will. Probably best spelling out what the alternative would be, ie, part of the estate gone on legal fees.

SpecialMangeTout · 14/05/2023 08:39

@BlueTick dh can be the same. He has no ability to put himself in my shoes and get that if he dies before me then I’ll be left in the s**t.
(our issue is my total lack of pension vs his nice work pension).

I found having a professional pointing things out to him and him having to explain his position helps - he has to voice his position to an outsider and that can be enough to make him realise how crap it is.
Maybe a solicitor/lawyer highlighting the risks of no will would be enough?

stealtheatingtunnocks · 14/05/2023 10:00

@classicslove i hope the treatment goes smoothly and that you are well cared for hy the staff. Sorry to hear your news

stealtheatingtunnocks · 14/05/2023 10:02

@BlueTick thst is going to be difficult. I have similar - I don’t know how much my husband earns and he makes unilateral financial decisions all the time. He is good with money, which is an obvious advantage, but it is not how I think marriage should work.

if get some advice, a free half hour from a solicitor. Women’s aid might be able to help direct you to someone helpful?

BlueTick · 14/05/2023 10:05

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BlueTick · 14/05/2023 11:15

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Original poster
Daftasabroom · 14/05/2023 13:27

Our finances are one DWs special interests, I don't know how many bank accounts we have or how much is in them except for our current account. She has opened accounts in my name before without asking or telling me. I have asked her to list them along with passwords etc (separate places of course) but to no avail.

We also have had huge rows over wills, ultimately I want my entire estate to go to our children, I'm worried that she would remarry and it would either be diluted or lost.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 14/05/2023 13:59

Wow. Yet another pattern appearing. I recently told a therapist the exact same as several of you. Money is a special interest, I know nothing about our finances, separate accounts etc. I am at least on the house deeds because my accountant emphasised the importance of this.

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 14/05/2023 14:09

I've often thought that many of DWs behaviours are about control. We all need some control over our lives, and I wonder whether something like money and finance is fairly easy because one doesn't have to communicate or interact with people too much?

OP posts:
Bluebellforest1 · 14/05/2023 16:22

Same here with the money, it’s a special interest, and also control. H is good with money, but he controls the joint account, joint savings, investments and joint credit/debit cards with an iron rod. He checks all accounts online several times a day.

Despite being unable to remember what he had for dinner an hour ago, or that the dog needs feeding, he can tell you to the nearest penny how much is in each account.

In the past I’ve had to ask before spending anything over £50 from the joint account. I don’t now, because I refused to pay any bills/ tradespeople if I had to ask.

Over the past 7 years though I’ve created a small (very small) home based business and any earnings go into my personal account, which he has no access to. I think of it as my escape fund. My pensions are also paid into my personal account and I then transfer to the joint account. He’s not happy with this but hey ho!

He also has a personal account that I have no access to.

SpecialMangeTout · 14/05/2023 16:41

Dh is crap with money. He doesn’t know how to plan ahead or ensure that we do have the money we need to do what we want. Instead he is despairing at the no savings, throws his arms in the air and says we can’t do <insert important on the house>
OR he will decide to spend a shit load of money on something because he has decided it’s important ….

So we still have separate accounts.
In part because yes he has an issue with control over money so had issues with some if the stuff I was spending it on (like clothes fir the dcs or a trip to go back to see my family abroad). As long as all that comes out of my account, then there is no issue 😵‍💫😵‍💫
It also allowed me put money aside as savings for us.

Bluebellforest1 · 14/05/2023 17:15

A friend of mine’s husband died suddenly last year in his 70’s. He was diagnosed autistic in his 60’s. They had been married for 50 years, and he had always dealt with finances as “he was better at it”. After his death she found that as well as the joint current account she had access to, he had drained their savings account and opened many bank accounts and credit cards in her name without her knowledge, racking up 10,000’s of debt. He’d always intercepted the post so she never saw statements addressed to her. Luckily for her the banks accepted that she didn’t know and eventually cancelled the debts, but she had many months of stress, no access to any money apart from her pension, and unable to afford all her bills. She had to resort to charity to pay for his funeral - although she did suggest shoving him on a bonfire at the bottom of the garden!

stealtheatingtunnocks · 14/05/2023 17:20

DH and I fell out dramatically years ago because it turned out he rated twice what I thought he did.

I thought he must have had a second family - for a nano second. Turned out he was paying off the mortgage, and that is great but it meant there have been no family holidays. It’s not reasonable to do that.

SpringCherryTrees · 16/05/2023 22:58

Another one here! I have a joint account with DP that I have no access to at all! I have no idea how much is in there. It was agreed by both of us that I would look after our autistic child, but that has meant that I am locked out of finances and we are not married, I am not on the deed, or in his will. He is obsessed with the cost of everything and follows up spends, even though he earns a lot. Honestly I don’t know where all his money goes, he hides any of his own spending and acts as if we were on 10th of his wage. There are things in the house that need repairing and he will obsess about how to ‘save money’ or just ignore them completely. I have a small income but I seem to spend all of it on things that are really necessary because he just doesn’t do it!