Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

@BlueTick the children are 8-15 and all pretty amazing to be fair. They are great about my illness. But things descend into chaos pretty swiftly if we both just lie down. I've hidden in the bedroom and it can be his problem -He's known for months I need to work tonight and he is fully aware of how my condition works and why rest is so vital. I wish I didn't have to rest, i am naturally someone who is constantly on the go!

I just can't really respect him when he copies off me at times like this. It seems so infantile. I would love to understand how his brain is working so I can try and get him to see how what he is doing is the opposite of "fair"

@PocketSand i find your post fascinating for two reasons

1- I personally love the insight of autistic people because it always shed some light on behaviours that puzzle us. I think many other posters in here feel the same. Being able to better understand our DP is always a positive. But somehow, you are using this thread to better understand us, as NT, which I just wasn’t expecting tbh.

2- you seem to think most people DP are not diagnosed. It so happens that the most recent are in that position but a lot, if not most posters in this thread have DP who are diagnosed, albeit often later on in life.
im surprised though that, as someone who isn’t diagnosed themselves, you have an issue with undiagnosed autistic people. You’ll know very well that for people of our generation, getting a diagnosis as a child wasn’t straight forward.

Having said all that, yes relationships are messy.
Being autistic doesn’t mean one can’t also be a twat.
There are competing needs between us and our DP. Pretty normal in any relationship tbh but an issue for us in away it isn’t in an NT/NT marriage (and in and ASD/ASD marriage? I really don’t know)

@SweetSakura probably too late for today but how does your DH behaves when you’re not there and he is in charge of the dcs?

Would it work if he was at home with them whilst you are resting somewhere else (or he is out with them also you can rest at home)?

"Masking/playing the good boyfriend until you get the ring on and then dropping the act is very manipulative and suggests a deep understanding of the feelings and emotions of another. Not very autistic."

That is more about how you have worded it than what actually happens though. An autistic person may have a focused interest in making a connection with someone and therefore makes an effort to meet their needs in terms of communication.

Once that person is their long term partner/wife and they feel more comfortable with them, then there is no need to mask in the same way as they feel they have to with strangers or acquaintances.

End result is the same. I don't think anyone here said it was manipulative (correct me if I'm wrong).

A previous autistic player also mentioned that, with time, our autistic partner might well stop masking.
A sign they are feeling at ease with us/in the relationship.

Unfortunately, it can also be destabilising for us as NT, especially when the autism diagnosis comes later on (as it was the case fir me and a few other posters). Why is the guy that was making small talk with us is suddenly getting silent for example.

@Windinmyhair I’ve never seen any poster saying our partners are manipulative. Actually quite the opposite.

DW cannot throw anything away, it's actually a major issue. But, she has just eaten a four year out of date croquet potato. Apparently it was a bit dry.

I think there is a difference between wants, needs, and expects. Perhaps some people cannot or do not differentiate between them.

@PocketSand The vast majority of us on these threads openly state time and again how good and lovely our partners are. Friends call DW the "lovely Mrs daft". Her sister calls her "the ice maiden '. It's incredibly complex and our long term significant partner relationships are unique.

if it was such an obvious and easy decision to separate most of us probably would have done so.

My partner & I speak about how autism effects him quite frequently. He is now comfortable enough to tell me how he feels as an autistic person & how he struggles. He is the nicest person out there & is incredibly hard working.
Where it all falls down is that because he hyper focuses on work, putting things in order etc it effects our relationship. I no longer plan things on bank Holidays & weeks off when we could go away. I stay at a friends instead & do my own thing.
We have discussed how it's all about his wants & needs, but nothing changes. He also takes things as a personal criticism.
It's all very confusing. A lot of his autistic traits are a real positive, there is no game playing, I know where I stand etc. The downside is I feel that I need much more. I'm sure he would say the same, apparently I'm not affectionate 🤔

Hi @Joy69 welcome.

On a slightly lighter note DS2 (17 NTish) has just got back from a study sesh and dinner at a mates house.

Me: what did you have for dinner?
DS: everything....... I don't think they were prepared for mate and me.....

Hello! Do you mind if I ask a question about (potential) ADHD on this thread? Feel free to say if it's not the right thread!

My DP has started talking to me about him starting to think that he might have ADHD. I'm really pleased he's brought it up, as there are certainly traits that I've noted, but being able to talk to him about it we've discussed some of the common traits that we both think he has - ones he recognises and some I've observed that he's not realised until I mentioned it. To my unqualified eye, it's ADHD-C as he has a real mix of impulsive and hyper traits.

I'm being really careful that we don't over analyse, misdiagnose - but I'm interested to see what he wants to do about it. He feels he'd like to know if this is why he feels 'a bit different' - his words.

He's been a great DP, caring, loyal, open and honest. All qualities I wanted. But then there's the talking which can be a little over stimulating if I'm a bit tired, the not listening, talking when it's not his turn, forgetfulness and anxiety.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking, I guess if there's any advice at all about supporting him, but also what to look out for on my own behalf etc? What are the main ways to get a diagnosis if he wants to pursue it?

Hi @Bapbap45 you might like to download a copy of the DIVA ADHD test, there is also lots of articles and a test at Additudemag

First time posting in these threads but I’ve been around for a while. I think I’m at the end of the road with my DH so I’m trying to get my head around it.

Married for almost 10 years. He’s diagnosed autistic and ADHD. Did the usual attentive focus thing but as soon as we got married that fell away. We haven’t had sex for several years because I stopped initiating it, and we have not had emotional or physical affection in that time either.

I would describe DH as a good man. He is kind, generous, personable to people generally (but this drops away at home, so it’s clearly masking) and he is straight forward. He holds down a fairly responsible job but has nothing at all beyond that. No friends, a very limited hyper focus interest. Thankfully we don’t have children.

I have tried to help and connect in as many ways as I can but there’s nothing left in my tank. I have suggested individual and couples counselling. He refuses. He won’t learn about his condition. He won’t initiate conversation with me. He will not use initiative for anything. I have to either do all the housework or nag him repeatedly for him to do something. He’s seemingly oblivious to living in a pig sty during the times I have point blank refused to do the work. And of course eventually I get exasperated and cave and do it.

He has zero concept of life planning or organisational skills. If the bills were not on direct debit they wouldn’t be paid.

Like others have said: I’m lonely. I’m the type of person that loves conversation and debate. I’m a life-long learner and the only plus I see in our relationship is that outside of my job I have significant time to do my own thing (which I’ve spent educating myself) because we do absolutely nothing together. I used to suggest things such as day trips and vacations, and we do have a good time when we are there, but he does not participate in the planning or decision making and I have to do all of the timings/prompting him so we even get out of the house on time.

I feel like a ghost in my own relationship. I may as well not be here. As others have said, it I am sick then he acts sick. If I had a stressful day and vent in his presence he says absolutely nothing and waits for me to finish to then vent about his day. Nothing is about me, ever. He doesn’t ask me about myself and he doesn’t try and have conversation about my interests. I have tried many times over to ask about his or join in, and he doesn’t want that either.

He sleeps an ungodly amount and he’s very lazy when not at work (he’s not depressed).

I am starved for connection.

And at the age of 41 I am thinking about kids (I know, I know) and I refuse to have them with this man.

Yet despite all of this, I defend him. Because I know he can’t help it. I find that the most tragic thing of all. I can’t blame him for being who he is. I just wish I had known what I was walking into.

@DunkFriesinShake may I ask how old your DH was when he was diagnosed?

He was an adult. Mid-twenties.

You know when you feel that you must be imagining things or making things up? I do, then I come on here and people are saying the same as me, the loneliness, the being blanked all the time, the control that the ND needs to have and the thing about fairness. My partner is obsessed about how unfair it is that I have a more comfortable jobs than him! That is because I worked my ass off to get it , wasn't just given it. Feel so sad that we have 1 child left at home and he is constantly blanked as well.

How has everyone's Bank Holiday been? My partner has worked all the way through it! He's self employed, so through choice.

We had a massive row. DW had spent almost all weekend researching a family holiday but her plans were totally pie in the sky. When I had the nerve to point this out it was my fault for not doing the planning. When I did put something realistic together, it's too expensive, too long, too much camping.

As with everything else in our lives the real world refuses to meet her rigid but totally uncommunicated preconceptions. This inevitably leads to massive anxiety, tantrums, and name calling when I point out it's not in my power to make the world the places she expects it to be. She thinks it is in my power or that I'm being deliberately obstructive, so therefore it's all my fault.