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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anxiety in my relationship because of maneater aunt

67 replies

lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 04:00

Hi, I am desperate for some advice from you lovely mums out there or anyone who comes across this. This is affecting my life daily...

I'm 28 (F). I have a wonderful boyfriend, for context he is white and I am Indian. My parents aren't strict and even if they were, I would still go with him. I get on great with my parents, life is good.

My dad's side know I'm in a relationship. Really don't like anyone knowing my relationship status but I'm 28 now and it's a bit obvious if I say I've never had a boyfriend so I say yes WHEN ASKED only. I just try to answer with one word and keep it minimal, if someone pushes with the whole "Ooo how's it going, what's he like," (which I understand is normal social talk but it's not my cup of tea), I politely explain I am private and don't discuss my relationship. No one needs to know anything, I despise people who interfere, like seriously how is my choice of person I'm having sex with any of your business? Crude but true.

So I told my mum she absolutely cannot tell her side I have a boyfriend. Her sister is known to steal husbands (she's done it at least 3 times), her current one is a man she's stolen who pays her rent, she wears orange lippie daily, leopard print, red thongs that poke out of her trousers, etc. We all have a suspicion she has slept with her own sister's husband (not my mum, another sister). They are now estranged. This woman has also tried to poke her nose into my brother's marriage, as a result him and his wife have cut her off. She does it with everyone. She's now found out I'm with someone and she keeps asking my mum and I questions, why is she with a white guy, that's not appropriate, how much money is he on, what car does he have etc. I feel like I can't enjoy myself with boyfriend anymore because I'm worried about this woman. My mum said I need professional help, why do I care about aunt, what can she do etc. I'm a very calm person who keeps to myself and I'm a conflict avoidant but if I have to keep dealing with this nosiness I'm going to have to say look how many men you've been with, you've got no place questioning my private life. Then people like this get mad. When they started it!!! I don't understand??? There will be more people like this who have done bad stuff like stolen husbands and cheated but comment on others' lives. How do you guys deal with this hypocrisy and how do I get over it so I can enjoy my life with bf? Mum says I have to be strong, girls don't give a toss and defend their boyfriends and tell everyone to butt out, but I can't get rid of the anxiety. Please help. P.S. I don't even care that people cheat and steal husbands, I care when they do it and then dare to comment on others' wrongdoings. HOW??? (in her eyes it's me being with a white guy and that I'm keeping it to myself).

OP posts:
GoodChat · 08/04/2023 11:19

This isn't anxiety. This is immaturity.

Why would you consider moving away rather than just telling her to back off?

Softoprider · 08/04/2023 11:23

Well OP Aren't we a drama queen where there is none

Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:23

Thank you, small talk is the way. I’m getting better at it but starting avoid family events altogether. Too draining

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:24

Maybe you’ve never experienced someone telling you who you can and can’t be with. If that’s the case I envy you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:26

Telling her to back off doesn’t work, she literally ruined my brothers wedding because he didn’t tell her he met someone. She wanted to meet the girl first and give her approval. She barges in and makes a scene everywhere. When she’s done all that she has

OP posts:
Hadjab · 08/04/2023 11:27

lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:24

Maybe you’ve never experienced someone telling you who you can and can’t be with. If that’s the case I envy you :)

I married a white man - I can assure you, I have. If you can’t see that this woman has no bearing on your life, and isn’t going to steal your man, then that’s on you, not your orange lippy wearing aunt.

GoodChat · 08/04/2023 11:28

lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:26

Telling her to back off doesn’t work, she literally ruined my brothers wedding because he didn’t tell her he met someone. She wanted to meet the girl first and give her approval. She barges in and makes a scene everywhere. When she’s done all that she has

Well that doesn't sound like anyone told her to back off...

Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:31

We keep to ourselves, we’re private. Parents have met him and like him. The aunt is the only person I tried to keep him a secret from because she attacks everyone’s relationships. He has no interest in meeting her

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:50

@Hadjab I'm glad you overcame that, it sounds like you either are lucky and they didn't push much or you were very strong in your approach. Either way, I think I need to speak to other girls in interracial relationships about how they deal with nastiness from people like my aunt. I just want to know the best approach so the end goal is me being happy and having a peaceful life with my guy :)

OP posts:
CallieQ · 08/04/2023 12:01

I agree with your mum too... do you really think this woman will steal your boyfriend

mrsfennel · 08/04/2023 21:46

Your Aunt sounds odd and maybe lonely. I feel sorry for someone like this, when you really think about it, what kind of person takes so much interest in others lives? someone who is bored and unhappy with their own.

Of course its normal to be interested to meet friends/family member partner, but I really dont care who they are with. That sounds awful but I have my own life going on.

When you meet your Aunt I think be polite and distant, if she make horrible or rude comment, walk away or completely disengage from her.

Kic · 08/04/2023 21:58

I despise people who interfere, like seriously how is my choice of person I'm having sex with any of your business?

And yet here you are with an entire thread based on who your aunt is having sex with...

Original poster
lemoncake94 · 09/04/2023 00:00

@Kic In response to her interfering in my business. Duh. God this is such a bitchy website, I am off. Thanks to the people who helped. All the people who were rude, you're probably hypocrites who do the same as my aunt. Fill your lives with gossip instead of spending every minute with your partner and building a happy life together. Why not be kind? Seriously. Goodbye. Love to all and no hard feelings

OP posts:
carlybitmitoemam · 09/04/2023 11:03

I hope you're still reading. It could be a good test of your relationship if he's still loyal and around after meeting her. Look at it this way.

Softoprider · 09/04/2023 12:11

The only bitching I have read on here is from you OP talking about your aunty

Sittwritt · 10/04/2023 08:47

You sound very enmeshed as a collective family. Surely she does not live with you? If she dies, move out. Your hyper focus can ruin your life. She must be at least 20 yrs older than you? Forget the lipoid and the thong and go and have a good life for yourself.

Sittwritt · 10/04/2023 08:50

lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:26

Telling her to back off doesn’t work, she literally ruined my brothers wedding because he didn’t tell her he met someone. She wanted to meet the girl first and give her approval. She barges in and makes a scene everywhere. When she’s done all that she has

This is wrong. Obviously it’s not her place to do that in any culture.

To be honest she seems to be terrorising this family and the only way that can happen is because you don’t have boundaries. It’s tolerated because she’s older? Yet all she’s done is not very respectable. To tell her to bugger off. This can be done in a polite way.

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