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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anxiety in my relationship because of maneater aunt

67 replies

lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 04:00

Hi, I am desperate for some advice from you lovely mums out there or anyone who comes across this. This is affecting my life daily...

I'm 28 (F). I have a wonderful boyfriend, for context he is white and I am Indian. My parents aren't strict and even if they were, I would still go with him. I get on great with my parents, life is good.

My dad's side know I'm in a relationship. Really don't like anyone knowing my relationship status but I'm 28 now and it's a bit obvious if I say I've never had a boyfriend so I say yes WHEN ASKED only. I just try to answer with one word and keep it minimal, if someone pushes with the whole "Ooo how's it going, what's he like," (which I understand is normal social talk but it's not my cup of tea), I politely explain I am private and don't discuss my relationship. No one needs to know anything, I despise people who interfere, like seriously how is my choice of person I'm having sex with any of your business? Crude but true.

So I told my mum she absolutely cannot tell her side I have a boyfriend. Her sister is known to steal husbands (she's done it at least 3 times), her current one is a man she's stolen who pays her rent, she wears orange lippie daily, leopard print, red thongs that poke out of her trousers, etc. We all have a suspicion she has slept with her own sister's husband (not my mum, another sister). They are now estranged. This woman has also tried to poke her nose into my brother's marriage, as a result him and his wife have cut her off. She does it with everyone. She's now found out I'm with someone and she keeps asking my mum and I questions, why is she with a white guy, that's not appropriate, how much money is he on, what car does he have etc. I feel like I can't enjoy myself with boyfriend anymore because I'm worried about this woman. My mum said I need professional help, why do I care about aunt, what can she do etc. I'm a very calm person who keeps to myself and I'm a conflict avoidant but if I have to keep dealing with this nosiness I'm going to have to say look how many men you've been with, you've got no place questioning my private life. Then people like this get mad. When they started it!!! I don't understand??? There will be more people like this who have done bad stuff like stolen husbands and cheated but comment on others' lives. How do you guys deal with this hypocrisy and how do I get over it so I can enjoy my life with bf? Mum says I have to be strong, girls don't give a toss and defend their boyfriends and tell everyone to butt out, but I can't get rid of the anxiety. Please help. P.S. I don't even care that people cheat and steal husbands, I care when they do it and then dare to comment on others' wrongdoings. HOW??? (in her eyes it's me being with a white guy and that I'm keeping it to myself).

OP posts:
KateFeather · 08/04/2023 09:06

For someone so private, you know a lot about your aunts business.

AgnesX · 08/04/2023 09:08

I don't mean to be rude but you sound a bit neurotic in the way that you give your aunt all that headroom.

She may well chase anything in trousers but it says something about the men she caught, she didn't force them. If you're worried about your man you can't think that highly of him.

As for people asking about your relationship, you don't have to tell them much but it's only natural for people, especially family, to ask. If you're reticent it appears that you're not that serious about it and maybe worried about him being of a different race and not being accepted.

StagsLeap · 08/04/2023 09:12

Well personally I feel you should change things up. Put on a man-slaying red lipstick, a push-up bra and a pair of leopard skin hot pants, and go around and shoplift your evil aunt’s unresisting boyfriend. You probably only have to pout and snap your thong in his direction. That way, he can pay your rent, you can move out of your parents’ house, your aunt won’t need to ask any more questions about your boyfriend because he’s her ex, and the rest of the family can sit back and order popcorn. Win win!

mrsfennel · 08/04/2023 09:13

I would come up with a few stock answers you can roll out when questioned. I have a friend who is lovely but quite nosy when it comes to one of my other friends, asking if she is seeing anyone , etc etc.

I just breezily say 'oh im not sure, there was a guy but dont know what happened ' and change the subject.

Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 10:41

Thank you, this is helpful. I will work on more of these sorts of airy replies

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 08/04/2023 10:45

Did ye aye.

Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 10:46

It’s not that I’m worried about him going with her, I just don’t want her to ever have the satisfaction of meeting him. She cosies up to people’s husbands when the girl has gone to the loo etc. everybody is fine, it’s just HER. She’ll say no you can’t go with a non indian you’ll give your nan a heart attack but she has had multiple affairs? This is why my blood boils. I want to know how women cope with hypocrisy from interfering people

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 08/04/2023 10:49

I point it out to them.

So in this case I'd say that's rich considering you have done x, y, z

Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 10:50

I’m really going to try not to fixate, I just want to know how people be happy in relationships when there are people like this (if you’ve been unlucky enough to experience it). I’m not even judging her for the affairs, it’s the fact that she does it and tells me it’s not appropriate for me to be with a white guy. When nobody else has an issue. Just her. The one who’s done all that stuff I described

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 10:51

I’ve been warned not to do this as it could cause a scene but I’m going to do it. Because I seriously don’t understand hypocrisy. Best simple approach I think :)

OP posts:
Pandyluna · 08/04/2023 10:52

Aside from the aunt you say you don’t want other people generally to know about or talk about who you have sex with. Surely this isn’t just someone you have sex with, it’s your boyfriend/partner? If a good friend asked you more about him would you genuinely say “I’m not going to talk about private matters”? Personally I’d find that so strange and thought you’re hiding something specific

category12 · 08/04/2023 10:53

lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 10:46

It’s not that I’m worried about him going with her, I just don’t want her to ever have the satisfaction of meeting him. She cosies up to people’s husbands when the girl has gone to the loo etc. everybody is fine, it’s just HER. She’ll say no you can’t go with a non indian you’ll give your nan a heart attack but she has had multiple affairs? This is why my blood boils. I want to know how women cope with hypocrisy from interfering people

I think all you can do is learn to let it wash over you or otherwise limit your contact with her.

Potentially you could just agree and make it a bit of a game to yourself, where auntie says outrageous things and you find different ways of saying "I'm sure you're right, haha".

IncompleteSenten · 08/04/2023 10:55

A scene is ok.
If she wants to have a tantrum, that's her choice.
People get away with bad behaviour because those around them stay silent out of fear of 'causing' trouble when in fact the one causing the trouble is the arsehole with the crap behaviour.

Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 10:55

Sorry I should have added more context but nobody says anything to her. She’s the one who gets in people’s faces and says why didn’t you let us know you had met someone? People don’t tell her til they’re engaged. All my cousins are private around her. And even then she cosies up to the girls fiancés. Mum has said I just need to move away and never let her meet him. I’ll just keep contact with everyone but her but I’m worried she’ll find out where I live etc. she’s a life ruiner, she’s not talking to her sister, but she has sister’s husband’s number! Always calling him. And she said to that sister oh he’s not a good guy don’t marry him, I won’t let you. It’s like everyone needs to go through her because she’s the decider

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:01

Well when we get engaged I plan to introduce him to everyone just once as a formality. She’s going to be the attacker, no one else. One of my cousin’s got with a black guy and she did the same. They simply got in an Uber and left. Everyone said that was really wrong. Cousin said no one speaks to my fiancé like that and has been estranged from aunt ever since and happily married. I need to take a leaf out of her book

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:04

Thanks, I will take this perspective on board. We’re just generally private and have learned from past experience keep your shit to yourself. You never know the reactions you’ll get. I made the mistake of openly talking about it and someone said it’s inappropriate. When her own daughter is with a white guy! God help me. I wanted to say are you actually out of your tree???

OP posts:
Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:09

I don’t think I’m immature but thanks anyway. I simply suffer anxiety and I want to know from other women how they cope with hypocrites who interfere in relationships. This aunt has done everything under the sun (which I have no problem with) but she’s berating me for being with a white guy. Telling me I’m going to give my nan a heart attack when she’s gone with other women’s husbands. Like being in an interracial relationship is wrong and cheating isn’t

OP posts:
ShagratandGorbag4ever · 08/04/2023 11:11

Your aunt sounds like a hideous old slapper a very annoying person and a racist into the bargain, but she won't steal your boyfriend unless he is up for it, and unless he is minted she probably won't be interested anyway.

kweeble · 08/04/2023 11:13

Move out and see less of your family if they cause you such stress - it’s your life and you need to learn how to live it on your own terms. Being so concerned about what others think is making you more neurotic - maybe counselling would help.

Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:14

I should have added more context, I don’t have a problem with the dress style, I personally enjoy fashion myself, I just don’t like how she’s so out there but has a go at me for being with a white guy. Like cheating isn’t worse than what I’m doing

OP posts:
Hadjab · 08/04/2023 11:14

You need to work on your internalised misogyny.

A woman cannot steal a man from someone else. A man, however, can walk away from relationships because he’s either weak and pathetic or he’s genuinely unhappy (this also applies to women).

Shaming a woman for what she wears on her bottom, lips, or entire body? The 50s called, they want their attitude back.

Youre clearly not confident, either in your relationship or yourself - are you sure you’re 28?

category12 · 08/04/2023 11:16

lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:09

I don’t think I’m immature but thanks anyway. I simply suffer anxiety and I want to know from other women how they cope with hypocrites who interfere in relationships. This aunt has done everything under the sun (which I have no problem with) but she’s berating me for being with a white guy. Telling me I’m going to give my nan a heart attack when she’s gone with other women’s husbands. Like being in an interracial relationship is wrong and cheating isn’t

"Of course you're right, auntie"
"Mmm-hmm, I see what you're saying"
"It's an important point, yes"
"Young people are a trial to their elders, I know"
"I will definitely think about what you have said"

And carry on with your life as you please.

Original poster
lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 11:16

I personally enjoy all that stuff myself, lipstick, animal print. What I’m saying is she does all this stuff and has slept with her sister’s husband then berates me for being with a white guy. I don’t understand how people have the nerve to be hypocritical

OP posts:
Turnipworkharder · 08/04/2023 11:17

Your boyfriend should be safe from your Aunts clutches as he's white.....🤔

MorrisZapp · 08/04/2023 11:18

Orange lippie aunt will be great value at your (pretend) wedding. In Scotland if you don't have a pissed, inappropriate auntie for your reception you can hire one.

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