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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anxiety in my relationship because of maneater aunt

67 replies

lemoncake94 · 08/04/2023 04:00

Hi, I am desperate for some advice from you lovely mums out there or anyone who comes across this. This is affecting my life daily...

I'm 28 (F). I have a wonderful boyfriend, for context he is white and I am Indian. My parents aren't strict and even if they were, I would still go with him. I get on great with my parents, life is good.

My dad's side know I'm in a relationship. Really don't like anyone knowing my relationship status but I'm 28 now and it's a bit obvious if I say I've never had a boyfriend so I say yes WHEN ASKED only. I just try to answer with one word and keep it minimal, if someone pushes with the whole "Ooo how's it going, what's he like," (which I understand is normal social talk but it's not my cup of tea), I politely explain I am private and don't discuss my relationship. No one needs to know anything, I despise people who interfere, like seriously how is my choice of person I'm having sex with any of your business? Crude but true.

So I told my mum she absolutely cannot tell her side I have a boyfriend. Her sister is known to steal husbands (she's done it at least 3 times), her current one is a man she's stolen who pays her rent, she wears orange lippie daily, leopard print, red thongs that poke out of her trousers, etc. We all have a suspicion she has slept with her own sister's husband (not my mum, another sister). They are now estranged. This woman has also tried to poke her nose into my brother's marriage, as a result him and his wife have cut her off. She does it with everyone. She's now found out I'm with someone and she keeps asking my mum and I questions, why is she with a white guy, that's not appropriate, how much money is he on, what car does he have etc. I feel like I can't enjoy myself with boyfriend anymore because I'm worried about this woman. My mum said I need professional help, why do I care about aunt, what can she do etc. I'm a very calm person who keeps to myself and I'm a conflict avoidant but if I have to keep dealing with this nosiness I'm going to have to say look how many men you've been with, you've got no place questioning my private life. Then people like this get mad. When they started it!!! I don't understand??? There will be more people like this who have done bad stuff like stolen husbands and cheated but comment on others' lives. How do you guys deal with this hypocrisy and how do I get over it so I can enjoy my life with bf? Mum says I have to be strong, girls don't give a toss and defend their boyfriends and tell everyone to butt out, but I can't get rid of the anxiety. Please help. P.S. I don't even care that people cheat and steal husbands, I care when they do it and then dare to comment on others' wrongdoings. HOW??? (in her eyes it's me being with a white guy and that I'm keeping it to myself).

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 08/04/2023 04:11

You can't steal a husband, they are not something you buy in a shop

BlueKaftan · 08/04/2023 04:17

Oh dear there’s so much wrong here. Perhaps work on your emotional maturity to begin with.

ApolloandDaphne · 08/04/2023 04:24

It takes two to be in a relationship so I doubt your aunt is stealing husbands, the other party has to be interested too. I think you are focussing far to much on this woman. You are right in that it is not anyone's else's business who you are seeing. Just enjoy your boyfriend and forget about your aunt and what she is saying. You are far too fixated on this.

LumpySpaceCow · 08/04/2023 06:05

I agree with your mum - maybe professional help is needed. It's bizzare that you are fixated on this woman. She didn't steal anyone's husband - they names must have been willing participants. She sounds nosey, but a lot of people are! It sounds as if the family have vilified her as some sort of Scarlett Woman and this has been ingrained into you.

duvetdissident · 08/04/2023 06:15

I agree you are getting very worried about nothing. She hasn't stolen any husbands. No husband can be "stolen". Orange lippy, leopard print and red thongs are certainly minority tastes in fashion, but not inherently immoral!

If she asks questions, just say you don't want to discuss it, but please be nice to her, it sounds like she is treated quite badly. All those things being said about her behind her back - that says more about the family than her, and I suspect such a family could turn on someone else at some point

AlexisR · 08/04/2023 06:27

If you and your boyfriend are in a secure relationship then he is interested in you and wants to be with you, not your aunt (who sounds like a very strange character!)

I think you need to work on detaching yourself from your aunt and what she may or may not be saying/ thinking. Literally cut yourself out of it, why are you engaging emotionally on any level with any of this?

Family drama can be hard to deal with but sometimes you have some control.

If you are emotionally strong, mature and confident then you can simply not engage with it.

Perhaps look into some counselling to help you develop strategies.

But really, I don't think your aunt is a threat at all and I think you need to try and distract yourself and stop dwelling on this.

GoodChat · 08/04/2023 06:48

It's alright - she's not going to steal him because he's white.

It sounds like you need to work on your emotional maturity.

EmpressOfTheSofa · 08/04/2023 06:55

I think you should explore some therapy as you do have some deep seated issues around relationships.

Family and friends asking about your relationship isn’t nosiness; it’s normal. Your aunt, as described, sounds like a sitcom character so I imagine the reality is somewhat different.

None of the ‘problems’ you have are real.

carlybitmitoemam · 08/04/2023 06:57

I read it as maneater ant

Fantasmagoricalan · 08/04/2023 07:04

she wears orange lippie daily, leopard print, red thongs that poke out of her trousers, etc

Well. This is going to go well.

This must be from her ‘How to Steal a Man’ kit. Never fails. 😬

How old is this woman? Anyone thinking of Dorian?

EmpressOfTheSofa · 08/04/2023 07:10

Fantasmagoricalan · 08/04/2023 07:04

she wears orange lippie daily, leopard print, red thongs that poke out of her trousers, etc

Well. This is going to go well.

This must be from her ‘How to Steal a Man’ kit. Never fails. 😬

How old is this woman? Anyone thinking of Dorian?

Dorian was my first thought.

In real life, people are more complex than sitcom characters. She’s not a two dimensional husband stealing man eater. It’s really unhealthy thinking.

Scissor · 08/04/2023 07:12

Ooh way to solve the cost of living crisis..orange lippy, leopard print and a red thong. Off to steal one of those husbands that pay all the bills.
As opposed to the average Mumsnet cheating husband.
Out of curiousity where does she meet them? I could do with some bill paying.
BTW your family sound very judgemental and unpleasant.
Please get therapy.

PaintedEgg · 08/04/2023 07:55

I feel bad for that auntie...she would need to be hottest, most interesting person in history of this planet to sp easily "steal husbands" while also apparently being a leopard-print wearing orange-lippie lover with her underwear poking out :D

OP...relax. Therapy could be a good thing to discuss your insecurities, but don't worry about some random aunt. Why would your boyfriend cheat on you with her of all people?

sammylady37 · 08/04/2023 08:07

Those poor husbands. Going about their day, blamelessly, minding their own business, then oops, would you look at that they’ve been stolen! No agency or autonomy themselves, just objects to be stolen by the nearest orange lippie and leopard print wearing man-eater.

TreehousePine · 08/04/2023 08:11

Fantasmagoricalan · 08/04/2023 07:04

she wears orange lippie daily, leopard print, red thongs that poke out of her trousers, etc

Well. This is going to go well.

This must be from her ‘How to Steal a Man’ kit. Never fails. 😬

How old is this woman? Anyone thinking of Dorian?

Yes! From Birds of a Feather 😂...that's exactly who I thought of!

MissEira · 08/04/2023 08:12

Just think of it this way: if she manages to seduce your bf then he wasnt right for you anyways. You should thank her for opening your eyes because youre dating a cheater.
Its not just your aunts fault the other men cheated, it always takes 2.

Random789 · 08/04/2023 08:20

Your extraordinary secretiveness is only going to intensify peoples curiousity. Just give smalltalk answers to smalltalk questions. We all have occasions where we have to surf family conversations by finding ways to say truthful, superficial things while protecting our privacy.

BTW, I came onto the thread because to the wonderful phrase 'maneater aunt'. Think that will be my next usename if itisn't already taken.

category12 · 08/04/2023 08:23

Your aunt couldn't "steal" any man that wasn't a cheating arsehole.

It's not whether you trust her around your boyfriend, it's whether you trust him.

Men are responsible for where they stick their cocks.

Shoemadlady · 08/04/2023 08:33

You cannot steal anyone that doesn't want to be stolen.
You sound a bit insecure. She sounds nosey. Just tell her to mind her business.

namechange5575 · 08/04/2023 08:43

You sound like you could do with some strategies to help with this situation which you find stressful.

Try to strengthen the balance between your views of yourself, and what think are your aunts views of you. She is her own person, she can think what she likes. Her views are her own and she is entitled to them, like everyone else. But they can be meaningless and unimportant to you. You can choose to disregard them. This might be very hard to begin with, and require conscious attention to manage. But over time it will become easier and more automatic. You may find you can even be charitable towards her (perhaps small minded) differing views. It's really good that your parents are on side in terms of already disregarding her views.

I wonder if the reason she riles you so much is because she represents a type, a common cultural view (respect your elders, do not expect privacy, be obedient, you cannot have much autonomy or independence) that you are seen to be challenging, with your choices and lifestyle. If so, it may be that underneath she is perhaps rather envious or resentful of the freedoms and options that you have, and that is behind the hostility that you are picking up on.

Ultimately, I sometimes think, 'would I rather be in my position or yours', and if I would rather be in mine then that allows me to feel safe in my position and less upset, with more emotional distance. Good luck.

Reinventinganna · 08/04/2023 08:45

Does your boyfriend mind that you keep him a secret and that you don’t trust him to not run off with your aunt? Or is he pretend?

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2023 08:49

She didn’t steal them; they chose to cheat on their wives with her. Stop thinking so much about your aunt and focus on your own relationship like your Mum said

gamerchick · 08/04/2023 08:56

How does your bloke feel that you're ashamed of him enough to keep him a secret?

You need to sort your issues out before this backfires on you.

Sodd · 08/04/2023 09:00

if your partner truly loves you he won’t stray. And in fact he could stray with anyone (not just your aunt) if he was the type of person to have an affair. In your shoes I’d trust the boyfriend unless he did something untrustworthy. I think you’re giving your aunt too much thought. Chatting about relationships is quite normal when with family. Your family will get used to him being different with time

Justcallmebebes · 08/04/2023 09:02

The orange lippie and leopard print made me laugh. The sheer hussiness of her Grin