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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 08:51

@jemimapuddlepluck I'm stupid am I? He works full time hours in three days he isn't a part time worker ffs! I've done it- it's hard. It's even harder with mental health problems . She works two days- more than half the amount of hours he does yet some of you are determined to paint him as a lazy part timer ! It's certainly not me who's stupid! If it's that simple why don't you (or even the op who's lived an absolutely charmed life) do it?

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 07/04/2023 08:51

How on earth is any able-bodied person not able to cope with housework? It is boring, yes, but it's hardly rocket science.

Viviennemary · 07/04/2023 08:51

You pottered around for a few years. It's his turn now. Especislly now he has poor mental health.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/04/2023 08:53

@qpmz yes, if he is not working then she needs to up her hours for her family. What wrong? I also said switch roles with DH, so he takes on her chores and she works more to bring money in for their family

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 08:54

NewLifter · 07/04/2023 08:24

It is really unfair to say he 'works one day more than you' when he actually works 14-19 hours more than you a week. That is a really intense workload over 3 days. I do long shifts in healthcare and am wiped out on my days off.

I personally think you are being quite unfair here, DH has had to shoulder the burden of keeping a decent income despite poor MH and as you would expect, its now come to a head.

That being said, he absolutely must take over the major share of housework and taxiing kids going forward, that is non-negotiable. Time to switch roles.

Exactly - this is the narrative she's tried to push to get posters on side
And it's worked. Clearly these people shouting how lazy he is have never worked this pattern. It's exhausting. Your days off you do have to recuperate. And as he's the full time worker (despite it being 'only' 3 days 🙄🙄🙄🙄) the partner working less should be picking up the flack for the household stuff

TooOldForThisNonsense · 07/04/2023 08:54

iusedtobeasize8 · 07/04/2023 08:34

I've had mental health issues all my life and 2 times it was at it's worse was on Maternity leave and when i was a Sahm. Basically not working with no real structure.
If he retires he will vegetate at home with no routine or purpose.

Show quote history

Same, I’m better off at work with the distraction than not working with lots of time to catastrophise/worry/Google, but we’re all different I guess.

airofkfoeksowlwomfo · 07/04/2023 08:55

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:14

I’m finding the whole attitude to depression and mental health really disappointing on this thread. I thought we were beyond that, and yes I think I agree with you.

why is it suddenly now ok to claim ill people should just carry on, or buck their ideas up, or that as they can do a hobby they must be faking it.

Show quote history

Because in my own experience, a mum who is battling depression often doesn’t or isn’t able to check out of parenting or running the house.

Before anyone comments, I also work part-time in a high-pressure job (and thankfully highly paid) due to my own mental health whilst my ex-h with the same job and ironically same mental health condition first stopped parenting and contributing towards the house, then left work 5 years ago and hasn’t worked (or contributed anything financially or otherwise to or DC) since.

MH is a very real and debilitating illness but when you have children you cannot just decide to not parent. Whether that’s by earning or by staying at home to provide care and run the house. If OP’s DH wants to stop working, it is a decision they need to make together and if she then needs to work FT he needs to take on everything else. it isn’t fair to sacrifice OP’s MH to enable her DH to get well.

Barbecuebeans · 07/04/2023 08:56

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/04/2023 08:48

@Seymour5 My ex was depressed. Did work for 3 years and didnt do anything in the house. HE also created more work by deliberately messing up things, like dropping wet towels on guest bed. LEaving empty milk / juice cartons in fridge and not bathing. I did everything. Working FT and doing chores and childcare. I have SEN myself. I am not saying OP needs to do this. But OP does need to go to work FT and let her DH get better. If he needs to potter around the house then so be it. Everyone copes differently with depression. OP needs to decide what timeframe with her DH and take decisions later on what she wants if he still does nto work or pull his weight around the house

Did you see the bit about him always having been depressed? It's not like someone who's been fine and then suddenly had burn out.

Also I'm not sure whether your situation is an argument for the OP taking everything on. Your husband sounds like a nob if he actually made things harder for you.

Stoic123 · 07/04/2023 08:56

Viviennemary · 07/04/2023 08:51

You pottered around for a few years. It's his turn now. Especislly now he has poor mental health.

'Pottered around' doing 2 days a week lower paid work and all the childcare, admin and housework (minus cooking one meal a week).

If he can step up to do the same level of 'pottering' - fair enough. But that's not remotely being suggested here is it? He'll be in the man cave doing his hobbies.

Barbecuebeans · 07/04/2023 08:58

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/04/2023 08:53

@qpmz yes, if he is not working then she needs to up her hours for her family. What wrong? I also said switch roles with DH, so he takes on her chores and she works more to bring money in for their family

Yes but he won't, as they've tried this before and he didn't then. Why would he be any different now?

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 08:58

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/04/2023 07:31

Why are people on the DH's side?

I bet the OP hasn't been sitting around in her days off. She's been doing all the housework, wifework and childcare and carrying the mental load.

If he can't cope in his present job, he needs to get another one. He can't just stop work and absolve all responsibility to his family.

If the OP goes FT, then the DH will have to do most of the housework and childcare. He doesn't want to do that though; he wants to potter in the garden and watch TV.

That's kind of what happens when you are the part time worker- if he did his hours over 5 days it would be a given. Many people also work full time and do it all

Rosula · 07/04/2023 08:58

What treatment has he had for his depression?

HubertTheGoat · 07/04/2023 08:59

drpet49 · 06/04/2023 19:59

I agree. It’s wholly unfair and not good for a relationship.

Show quote history

But she works 2 and he works 3. Lower paid doesn't necessarily mean less hard work. He also does nothing around the house or for the kids. My partner and I both work 40+ hrs a week so I've not got skin in the game, but I don't think the OP is being unfair by any means.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 08:59

lol why people are making out running a house when the kids are at school and working 16 hours a week is sooooo taxing ?

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:00

@HubertTheGoat but he works full time in those 3 days. He does literally twice the amount of work- and not in a cushy office job either

Barbecuebeans · 07/04/2023 09:04

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 08:59

lol why people are making out running a house when the kids are at school and working 16 hours a week is sooooo taxing ?

Why are people making out that if you work 30 hours a week (actually 24 hours) you can't do anything else?

Why are people making out that this is the cause of his depression when he was depressed before?

Why are people making out that the OP was happy to potter round when she tried giving him the pottering role and he couldn't cope?

ShandaLear · 07/04/2023 09:04

I think you need a much bigger conversation about your lives together going forward.

  1. This is the most important one - he needs to address his mental health properly, because that’s the underlying common factor. It’s impacting on his work, engagement with the activities required to maintain a home, and relationship. I’d suggest he stops work and has a self imposed sabbatical for 6 months to work on his mental health if you can afford it. I’d also stipulate he had to engage in activities known to promote good mental health (e.g. exercise, laying off the booze, therapy, etc. to give himself the best chance of recovery)
  2. You need to up your hours or find a job you’d be happier doing in order to ensure an adequate household income. In fairness, you have had a relatively easy ride work wise so far so it’s not unreasonable to expect you to step up now it’s needed.
  3. He needs to contribute to the home by picking up more of the cooking, laundry, and cleaning. You shouldn’t have to write a list of chores for a grown ass man but needs must. You effectively swap roles and he becomes the home manager. He needs to realise that being at home is not a holiday or time off and there is plenty of work to be done. What you need to make clear is that giving up work only means giving up a job, and in doing so he’s effectively choosing to do another job, not sit around scratching his arse all day.
  4. Lay this all out for him and let him come up with a solution that works for you all. There are advantages to you working more hours (better pension, more money, better opportunity for promotion) even if it feels hard at first.
Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 09:06

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 08:51

@jemimapuddlepluck I'm stupid am I? He works full time hours in three days he isn't a part time worker ffs! I've done it- it's hard. It's even harder with mental health problems . She works two days- more than half the amount of hours he does yet some of you are determined to paint him as a lazy part timer ! It's certainly not me who's stupid! If it's that simple why don't you (or even the op who's lived an absolutely charmed life) do it?

DH works 24 hours over three days (plus 6 hours of breaks). I work 16 hours a week (plus one hour break). I have consistently said that I understand his job is high pressure and stressful and have done everything I can to support him with that. He has then had 4 days a week at home to totally relax.

I am not sure why you keep saying that I have had it really easy and live a charmed life. I am not disputing that my life situation is easier than it is for some others, I have never claimed that.

I am now planning to up my hours at work and still do everything with running the household. I have asked my DH numerous times for help with the household but he just won't do anything. He either says he will but then won't do it, or gets annoyed if I ask him.

I feel that some of your posts have been a bit aggressive and I'm not sure why. You mentioned that you were in a similar position to my DH - maybe that's why you are empathising with him, which is totally understandable. I didn't come on here for sympathy and I get that people have different views about this - I have learned a lot from reading all the responses and I am grateful that everyone has taken the time to comment.

I just don't understand the aggressive tone.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:12

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:00

@HubertTheGoat but he works full time in those 3 days. He does literally twice the amount of work- and not in a cushy office job either

He works 3 days but does nothing in the home and OP does 2 days and does everything in the home. It works out the same.

LadyWithLapdog · 07/04/2023 09:13

OP, assuming your DH health insurance pays out (for how long? how much?), or that he goes on benefits (which will never be enough anyway), you’re still left with the issue of his poor MH and poor attitude. It’s those things that need addressing, quite apart from who does how many hours in paid employment.

katepilar · 07/04/2023 09:14

shutthewindownow · 06/04/2023 20:42

Being at home won't help him that's the last thing he needs if he is depressed he needs to get out and work even if it's a different low stress job but being off will make him worse

Yes. I agree with this.
And he needs to stop doing 10-12 hour days as that is exhausting by default. He needs to find a way how to work and get out of the house so that it works for him and not against him.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/04/2023 09:15

@Barbecuebeans but he has been working. He needs time to recharge, are you saying he shouldnt be allowed time as he has suffered all his life with depression?

Hardbackwriter · 07/04/2023 09:15

QuinkWashable · 07/04/2023 07:52

Try every thing possible to improve the mental health of the household.

I get what you're saying.. but what about OP's mental health - more tasks to manage his mental health, plus all the house work/childcare, and now being the sole earner? Her doing this stuff might help, but it also might not - at what point does she stop burning herself out to try to justify how much she's already sunk into this relationship?

OP - do you want to be in this relationship still

Burning herself out - working 16 hours a week with primary aged children? Really?!

Hellybelly84 · 07/04/2023 09:16

Sorry I could not live with him.

You work 2 days plus do everything at homeand with the kids. He works one extra day to you and does nothing at home. He needs professional help if hes burnt out with 4 days off a week - I take it from what you wrote he isnt working at all from home on those 4 days either?

Has he been to a GP as sounds like there are much deeper issues that just being burnt out. Also, who would want to mope around at home at 50?

katepilar · 07/04/2023 09:16

No therapy will help him get better if he doesnt want to get better. Theres certainly more ways how to work with depression/anxiety than talking therapy. Perhaps he could try things like EFT or shiatsu or anything else body-orientated. But he needs to WANT to feel and function better.