DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

[chocolatedaisy]

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

@chocolatedaisy I really feel for you and also him as I’ve been depressed and suffered with mental health issues and it’s a horrible way to live. However without sounding harsh, if he’s not doing anything to help himself I would consider separating. You don’t deserve to live like this, you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy, feel fulfilled and that you’re in a partnership. I wish you all the best!

The problem OP is this: Your DH’s “burnout” seems to mean that you instead have to burn yourself out.

Is there no possibility that your DH would consider taking less stressful work for his 3 days a week?

Just wanted to add to my last post that I'm sure there are many people who have ADHD and work full time as well as looking after children and managing a home if they have no other choice.

Right so he doesn’t just work 3/5 of a working week, which is kind of the impression I got from your OP.

He needs to step up and do more around the house and with the kids. If his depression is stopping him, he needs to seek better treatment.

As others have said, he gets away with this because you have enabled it.

It is really unfair to say he 'works one day more than you' when he actually works 14-19 hours more than you a week. That is a really intense workload over 3 days. I do long shifts in healthcare and am wiped out on my days off.

I personally think you are being quite unfair here, DH has had to shoulder the burden of keeping a decent income despite poor MH and as you would expect, its now come to a head.

That being said, he absolutely must take over the major share of housework and taxiing kids going forward, that is non-negotiable. Time to switch roles.

In fairness: not an office based job which I think makes a huge difference. But I did see an ADHD counsellor through university who gave me really vital strategies and insights into my brain. Would be really useful for you I think. X

You sound selfish. You are working short hours and are low paid, he is burnt out with his high pressure job. It his time to relax. Maybe he will bounce back after some time off and until then you up your hours and work more. Why should he be the only provider? Time to pull your weight. HE can do the jobs at home, switch roles.

Wow some really nasty people here today.

OPs husband has always had four days a week off work where he does not engage in anything helpful in terms of family life, he just potters around doing what he wants. Whether the days he actually works are stressful or not is beside the point. This is adult life, when you have kids and you're in a partnership you don't get to opt out. Any PP on here suggesting otherwise is nuts.

OP works just two days a week, but does EVERYTHING else in terms of running the house. She has accepted this throughout their parenting years as a couple as she wanted to support her husband and his mental health, and for her kids.

He is now saying he wants to stop work entirely and spend 7 days a week doing the NOTHING he currently does for 4 days a week. This will impact OP financially. She will likely need to work more but still do everything else, in order to facilitate him spending his life pottering. As OP has mentioned herself, yes other people and single parents do this. But OP isn't a single parent. This is also in the context that OP has tried to support her husband's mental health continuously over the years, he has not done anything to try and improve it. He is 50 so if she is a similar age she is facing 20+ years of working and running the household, like a single parent, but whilst married to someone. This suggests her husband is focused only on his own needs and has not considered hers at all. Which must feel horrible to OP and make her question quite why she is doing all she can for him with no reciprocation. Throughout OPs post it's clear she is struggling to even say that she might have needs or feelings of her own, yet a load of PPs think nothing of replying and basically saying she doesn't have a right to anything but break her back making sure she helps her husband who doesn't help himself.

All this #bekind nonsense has rotted people's brains, honestly.

OP is it possible to talk openly to DH about how you feel, and what his expectations are if he doesn't return to work? Can you lay out you're happy to work more but will need him to do more around the home, and does he feel he can cope with this now the kids are older? If he feels this is unreasonable, spell it out - "you want to potter and do your hobbies, while I work more and run the household?" His response to it being clear like this might give you some answers about your own future.

I can’t believe people are siding with the DH, he’s had an utterly charmed life, working 3 days a week, doing fuck all around the house, no childcare and parenting, no caring for his child with additional needs, no night wakings, 4 days a week to sit on his arse, has spent time being pretty nasty to OP taking his moods out on her and has now decided he’s not going to do anything at all. What a very lucky man.

I’m impressed honestly. I start tidying and see something that makes me think of something else and then I start a new task and basically I’ll start the day loading the dishwasher and somehow end up dismantling my bike and booking a course on homemade soap.

Hi OP,
I couldn't live like this. To me, it seems as if he has been put on a pedestal within the family - he works more hours in a stressful job so therefore has been enabled to do fuck all around the house and with the kids. For what it's worth, I think he would be like this no matter what job he worked - he sounds clinically depressed and unless he was willing to get medication, counselling and can then step up around the house, then this isn't a marriage that I would be happy staying in.
He gets 4 days off per week where he does naf all - when is your down time? He is just another child for you to mother at the minute and unless he sought help and stepped up, then I wouldn't be staying.

Please don't generalise. My partner does lots around the house. Every decent man (and woman) should. It's called an equal relationship.

I must admit that reading this thread I had been wondering how I slipped into a mirror universe.

The hours / days the OP's husband works are a red herring - he works something approaching a very comfortable 30 - 35 hours a week, and always has. If he chooses to compress those over three days then that absolutely is his choice, as is his "high stess" occupation. He's welcome to do what others do - work stacking shelves over five / six days and work 40 hours a week. Or get a nice little "part-time" job at 30 hours a week at just about anything else. Or he could support the OP to get a full-time job and then give up work in favour of becoming a house-parent - in other words all the childcare responsibilities and household tasks fall to him so that the wage earner can rest after a gruelling week at work. Instead the poor little dear needs to give up on life - not be gainfully employed, do sweet FA around the house (although let's be fair and not forget that entire ONE MEAL that he cooks every week), spending money and all his time on his lovely little hobby. And while he does this the OP looks after the work, the house, the children and him! But that's ok because the darling has mental health problems.

Well his mental health problems don't excuse checking out of anything that is called responsibility and acting like an overgrown kid. Yes, it's awful struggling with mental health issues - the OP knows that because she has also done so, and clearly still is. But because she isn't whining about her own issues she is being piled on by people who, if she had simply failed to mention the "mental health issues" would have been screaming at her to LTB. What she has done consistently is downplay her own struggles, downplay her life, downplay her wants and needs and then apologise to people here for daring to want something more than the bloody awful life / relationship that she has had for many years and which looks to become even worse for the remainder of her life. And some people here think she lacks empathy.

OP, he is never going to step up and he is never going to change. If you stay you simply enable that, and it will be you that pays the price, even more so than you have already. You are already a single parent to all intents and purposes. This relationship is not healthy for you or your children, and you deserve better. Don't sacrifice the rest of your life on the alter of his selfishness. If he's happy with very little money and living in a man cave with his hobbies, let him - but that doesn't mean that you have to enable it or live with it. You are young enough still to strike out and make a different life, before this one sucks you down even further.

There will have to be role reversal.now. you will have to sit down and have a frank chat about who needs to.fo what. He won't know what needs to be done,you will probably have to manage him because u have always done it. If you did 4 days and he found a less stress job a couple of days it could work. Good luck

I've had mental health issues all my life and 2 times it was at it's worse was on Maternity leave and when i was a Sahm. Basically not working with no real structure.
If he retires he will vegetate at home with no routine or purpose.

Your DH after a period of time may feel differently about returning to work, even if a different job or workplace completely.

Therapy doesn't appear to be working for OP DH.

I think that’s unfair. To have all the responsibility for household tasks, for childcare etc is draining when there is another adult who won’t even try to help. My DH developed a seriously debilitating condition at around the same age as the OPs husband. His mental health had been shaky for a while too.

He was depressed because it meant he could no longer work. Fortunately our DC were young adults and living their own lives by then. However, doing nothing had never been an option for DH. He had been quite hands on with the DC as I was working too. After a year he had surgery which helped, and eventually he found low stress, part time work. We downsized, and are well into a retirement of shared chores. I would be very resentful if I had to do everything whilst he ‘potters’.

What do you know about mental health? Why do you think it’s an excuse to have other people cater to you?

I have CPTSD, I’ve been suicidal, I’ve been depressed to the point of wanting to step in front of a car to end the pain, I have a LOT of trauma in my past, but I have never, EVER used that as an excuse to do fuck all. Depression suits some people, it’s more comfortable to sit in depression and have an easy, unchallenging life doing nothing, rather than tackling the issue. You may not like to hear that, but it’s true.

People are responsible for their own mental health, it’s not his wife’s job to solve, she doesn’t have to continue to make sacrifices for him, compromising her own mental health for his. He’s done fuck all to try and get better, he’s taken no responsibility for his issues at all even though he has children he’s meant to be raising, that’s on HIM, no one else.

obviously I don’t know the full severity of your DH’s condition but sometimes people can ‘ill health retire’ out of their existing role but be medically fit for a less demanding one. Your children are still young so I’d encourage him to look into other roles in conjunction with the relevant medical advice.

I have a strong tendency to do that. You just have to teach yourself to focus and finish tasks. It’s partly just becoming aware and conscious of your patterns. So when you switch from one activity to another you notice and go back to your original task. Also I have a rule that if I’m tidying one room - no task outside that room is to be started until the original room is finished.

@Seymour5 My ex was depressed. Did work for 3 years and didnt do anything in the house. HE also created more work by deliberately messing up things, like dropping wet towels on guest bed. LEaving empty milk / juice cartons in fridge and not bathing. I did everything. Working FT and doing chores and childcare. I have SEN myself. I am not saying OP needs to do this. But OP does need to go to work FT and let her DH get better. If he needs to potter around the house then so be it. Everyone copes differently with depression. OP needs to decide what timeframe with her DH and take decisions later on what she wants if he still does nto work or pull his weight around the house

*Didnt work for 3 years

lol, the op runs the household, childcare, life admin, support for husbands mental health, part time job and she needs to STEP UP?? Omg

I think this is a really good point and excellent self awareness.

I think the not trying to improve things for himself makes a massive difference to how you feel about the situation as the partner of someone with depression (or any other issue!).

OP I can quite understand how you feel. You'll get a lot of people slagging you off as always on threads where the DH is a higher earner. But as you say, he's always been depressed, it's not like the burden of supporting the family has caused it. Plus you've worked and taken all of the household responsibilities and mental load off him. I'd prefer to do three (or even five days) rather than two days and share the household and childcare responsibilities any day!