DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

[chocolatedaisy]

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

But he does nothing at home, she does everything. Why should she increase hours so he can lie on the sofa at 50?

If he wants to mope around at home at 50, he can take on a big share of the housework/gardening/decorating/childcare/ days out etc.

It sounds like he cant even get his bum off the sofa and I can imagine it must be totally mentally draining to be his wife trying to hold it all together for the kids. He needs help.

Ignore that poster. In some way or another she thinks you have easier life than she does and she’s resentful. It’s got nothing to do with reality.

Lots of women 'potter' about when they have kids though - they either give up work altogether or do a few hours paid work- it's never ever questioned. I know in MN world we are automatically meant to side with women but there really are some massive double standards in this thread.
If he wants to give up work for good at 50 he needs to make sure he can allow for it financially, it doesn't sound like the work op does would make up his income even working full time. But if he could afford it why not?

Lol I'm very grounded in reality where working 16 hours a week and doing housework on top of that with no kids at home is absolutely the norm in fact it's utterly privileged

And a DH who does nothing. That’s a massive dead weight.

These are really really shitty comments.
OP works only one day less, and does all childcare and house work. Does that not have value?

Why are people saying he only works 24 hours lol
He does 3 ten hour days

His plate:
3 days at well paid, but stressful job
MH struggles

Your plate:
2 days at low paid, less stressful job
All household admin
All cleaning
All cooking
All sorting out kids
all mental load
Supporting someone with MH issues

Not sure when people think you are 'dossing about'. Household work at home is still work.

MH issues that prevent him from doing ANYTHING, work or household work sounds horrible for you. Everything moves to your plate. This might be ok on the short term but if this is the rest of your life that's a huge problem. I couldn't be in a relationship like that, even if the MH issues are real and not his fault or not him being lazy. Could you even afford to live, even if you worked full time?

You could make some compromises like you both work full time but at low paid jobs. Or he works part time but must take up some of the household tasks. Or you work 4 days and he works 3-4 days but make sure they are different so you each get some alone time in the house to do your assigned household jobs.

No way I'd work full time, and do all the household work so my DH could retire early and sit back and do nothing but relax and have hobbies. MH issues or not.

Tbh the OP makes me really cross too, and it's not because I'm jealous or whatever - it's that she's so clearly deliberately underplayed the fact that he actually works full-time just in shifts, does something very intense (if he's getting a two hour lunch break in health care every single day then that suggests that whatever he does either side is such that it's not actually safe for him to not take a long break), and then has been so faux-eye-wided disingenuous 'oh did I mislead people into thinking that we worked basically the same hours? Oh I had no idea, the pages of people saying he only works one day more than me and slagging him off on that basis gave me no clue at all that I'd massively misrepresented the situation!'

@newjobnewstartihope if you worked part time like the OP's DH and left everything else regarding your kids and house to your DH for years then shame on you. However I very much doubt you did that. Instead, in your desperate need to pounce on a woman you have ignored most of what she has said. So I'm being generous when I call you stupid. The OP has propped this man up for long enough, shes venting on here because if this man gives up work, she knows her life will become even harder. I said it yesterday on here but my god, us women are goddam warriors.

Please
What is this 'constant' household work that needs doing when kids are at school?
People really are trying to dramatise this so the husband is automatically in the wrong

He has had approximately 7600 out of the 8760 hours there are in a year to recharge. That's around 316 days. How much more time is he going to need?

If someone who works 16 hours with kids at school has such a hard life then god help the rest of the world. Call me stupid all you like love but live in the real world

Yes, I think you do need to increase your hours at work. It’s not fair that you have so much free time. Plus you need a pension and an income by the sounds of it.

Warriors 😂

This thread is not about you and your anger.

A woman in a relationship with a man who works 3 days while she works: 24/16 hours pw. Yet he does nothing at all wrt to childcare and domestic work at all.

Your attitude to the OP suggests you have your own issues which could do with their own thread.

Read OP's posts. He has two hour lunch breaks on each of those days.

Oh God, don't start people off on that - they'll explain how having to think about buying birthday presents or sorting out the insurance once a year basically constitutes a full-time job.

Just for a different perspective - I had a bit of a breakdown and suffered with burnout/anxiety/depression after leaving a previous job. I imagine I would have spent some time like your DH too. The thing for me was actually doing stuff makes you feel better! Housework, DIY, excercise but it took a minute for me to realise - I called my Dr and got referred for MH help and really benefitted from CBT. This might be something that would be good for him if you think he would?

At the time my DH had a much higher paid but much less stressful job and supported me throughout. I now work part time but I wouldn't hesitate to pick up more hours if he went through the same thing.

This.

OP it sounds like you don't have enough money coming into the household for him to be a "kept" man. Unless he has a £2million pension pot he can get his sticky paws on in 5 years time and savings to last until then.

And by kept man I mean having a cleaner, home help and gardener.

Who doesn't want to retire at 50, not do any household chores or childcare and "just potter and hobbies". Really who doesn't want this?

But real life isn't like this.

So insurance money aside. What's his plan? He understands that his decision affects your children as well. You say he is a good dad so start from there.

You children are at ages where shortly they will be looking towards starting out in adult life, uni costs, car, apprenticeship? To help them on their way does he understand they will need a bit of cash.

Maybe a holiday for the kids would help.

My H, when I fell pregnant we thrashed out the details, took on the financial responsibility.
He worked full time, 60+ hours in a stressful job. It ground him down sometimes, and I fully supported him as I could but the kids need a house, food, fun, an education.

With full support he kept going. He now has a job just as intensive but his hard work is now paying off for him, as for all of us.l

My H is a "good dad". How I see it. He works like a dog with grace, he wants to provide, he talks through homework, takes them to sport hobbies, when they were younger they went to the park, he talks to them, teaches them, plays with them, provides, protects and encourages
"Enjoying sitting on a sofa watching a film" is just not enough to be a good dad. Sorry.

So you need to both, as adults juggling a lot of balls, sit down and have a mid-life thrash out. How are you going to work together with everything that you need to do going forward?

You need to firmly, in a kind way, explain that retirement to potter and hobby around is just not an option right now so he needs to forget that nonsense and work out something else. Whether that is perhaps changing his medication to get him back to work or just more enthusiasm about life, you earn more but he takes up more house, a different less stressful job but if you work more the household and children need a more equal split.

Explain if you are working and doing all household and children that in time your relationship will not survive, you will feel resentful and everything you have built up will be lost. He really needs to understand this.

He can't check out of life and be a pampered prince from now until the end of time. He doesn't sound dumb but he needs to take ownership of the real life long term consequences for him, you, your children, house, future, pensions, retirement, health, of his decisions.

I hope you can find a solution going forward together.

He sounds like a total drainer, not willing to get help for his problems. It would be a different story if he was giving up work at 50 and actively helping the OP with everything (and seeking medical help). It doesn’t sound like that is going to happen.

I worked with a lady with a Husband exactly the same-he was depressed and gave up work (but managed lots of little trips away as apparently he needed it), she worked ‘part time hours’ 4 days a week, did everything at home (he wouldn’t pick up a thing because he couldn’t cope) and she did all the childcare/clubs etc. I saw how utterly exhausted she was and she still held it together for years for the kids. They divorced as soon as the second child turned 18.

I see this going exactly the same way as what will really hold them together when theres no kids about?

OP,

Unfortunately there is a substantial cohort on MN that have literacy and comprehension issues, combined with the need to pile on any OP that isn't prepared to do absolutely everything at the alter of the MAN.

I mean this kindly.

You married a dud all those years ago.

A depressive selfish dud.

Unfortunately you went on to have 3 children with him.

He does as little as he can get away with and you do everything else.

Many many people suffer with depression but do not abdicate all responsibility for their children, he and wife.

His 90% of his 4 days off in the man cave combined with his ability to enjoy his hobbies tells me you have one lazy selfish waster on your hands.

Unfortunately he has been that way from the very beginning.

His life is made very easy by you, yet he still relentlessly whinges and whines.

He is an avoidant largely disinterested father and I have no doubt your children are well aware of the fact.

The most important thing IMO is that you start to mind yourself.

Your children need one well parent.

He will never step up.

You need to cease any emotional, sympathetic support of him.

Stop doing anything that makes his life comfortable.

Start seriously looking at what a life without him dragging you down would look like.

Without him your life would be lighter.

Look at the finances.

You are his crutch whom he could care less about.

Your sole function is as skivvy to make his life tick over nicely.

I am sorry that you made the choices you did, but there is no rescuing nor fixing him.

Work on accepting this and instead save yourself.

Do not spend the rest of your life with someone so selfish.

All you will be is a carer to a man who wasted your life.

Focus utterly on yourself and taking care of you.

I cannot imagine anything worse than this waster around the house 7 days a week, 4 sounds awful enough.

He works 10 hour days. He's out the house for 10 plus hours and probably more with commute etc.
I don't get this automatic siding with how hard the OP has it when it's really not hard at all

You mean life admin. Like writing a shopping list and call the dentist. Tough full time job. 😂