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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
Sierra26 · 07/04/2023 07:22

Perhaps his view on working/not working is just due to pressure of current job? If he found a different role he might feel differently and maybe even be able to work more days

Oblomov23 · 07/04/2023 07:26

Depression is one thing. Nastiness is another altogether, not excused by depression.

pizzaHeart · 07/04/2023 07:29

Summerhillsquare · 06/04/2023 19:48

Quite convenient that he wasn't able to cope with children, or housework, or work, but hobbies are absolutely fine.

Very good observation, I wondered exactly this@Summerhillsquare..

MummyJ36 · 07/04/2023 07:29

OP if you want him to do more around the house and pull his finger out you need to tell him. I grew up in an environment where someone used mental health as a get out clause for contributing anything to home life and was waited on hand and foot. Yet seemed to have capacity to do the things they enjoyed. You are enabling his behaviour and again, I’ve seen firsthand how easy it is to do this. You need a make a conscious decision that you want things to change.

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/04/2023 07:31

Why are people on the DH's side?

I bet the OP hasn't been sitting around in her days off. She's been doing all the housework, wifework and childcare and carrying the mental load.

If he can't cope in his present job, he needs to get another one. He can't just stop work and absolve all responsibility to his family.

If the OP goes FT, then the DH will have to do most of the housework and childcare. He doesn't want to do that though; he wants to potter in the garden and watch TV.

FeetupTvon · 07/04/2023 07:36

I think you have been extremely fortunate to have only worked 2 days a week.
Up your hours.

user1492757084 · 07/04/2023 07:43

You could increase your work to three days per week.
Just doing that might help DH feel less pressured.
For the next ten years you will both be paying for education and sending your children into the adult world.
Then things will calm down.
Take your husband's mental health issues seriously and make sure he is regularly having health checks.
I would be looking into increasing chances of increasing his health and well being.
Could DH commit to a daily outdoor walk with his older son? Staying in the house or sleeping in is never a pick me up.

Could he take the younger children to a lovely green space to kick a ball on the weekends and a weekly swim in a pool with you. Increase his outdoor green time and physical activity.
Get him to walk the young one to school. Have him do something for a charity one morning per week and ask the boys to teach him to cook one simple meal each week. Interaction will take his mind off himself.
I hope he can continue working at three days per week and that he finds more purpose other than work.

Is he drinking more than five alcoholic drinks per week? Is he having social interaction or a hobby? Is he looking at screens each day? Is he not getting to bed early enough? Sunlight bright in the morning is beneficial. Not too much take away food. Does he like painting? Or drawing? Laugh more and tells jokes with the kids.
Try every thing possible to improve the mental health of the household.

Darhon · 07/04/2023 07:50

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 20:44

This is quite concerning that people think like this around mental illness…

Show quote history

It’s really not. All mental health support is predicated on supporting people to become/stay functional in terms of daily activities, work and life. The advice is never to retreat from these things. Sometimes someone has become so unwell the support to
function is just the minimal in terms of eating and sleeping again, then some people need support to go out into daily life again. Ultimately, unless very well off, he may well need to work again and probably needs a different job. But he will need to do something.

QuinkWashable · 07/04/2023 07:52

Try every thing possible to improve the mental health of the household.

I get what you're saying.. but what about OP's mental health - more tasks to manage his mental health, plus all the house work/childcare, and now being the sole earner? Her doing this stuff might help, but it also might not - at what point does she stop burning herself out to try to justify how much she's already sunk into this relationship?

OP - do you want to be in this relationship still

Yummymummy2020 · 07/04/2023 07:56

I work part time after staying at home for two maternity leaves in quick succession. I can say honestly that I find staying at home minding two young kids and trying not to drown in endless chores much more taxing than what many would consider to be a stressful job(think busy healthcare). I think op has a valid point and I do think while she may have no choice but to up her hours, her husband will need to step up a bit more with managing the home. This should not be so difficult given the kids are older now. Also I would expect him to be doing all he can to work on his mental health rather than leaving everything to her because he suffers With it. This may not be the case, he may be doing all he can seeing his doctor frequently ect but you often do see people not doing anything to help themselves(I speak from experience).
Really op a frank sit down discussion with all the outgoings is needed.

Sceptre86 · 07/04/2023 07:57

What attracted you to him? What made you decide to have 3 children when you realised the bulk of the work would be down to you, was it a gradual realisation? Do you still jave feelings for him?

I think you should definitely up your hours op and then maybe find a hobby for yourself perhaps volunteering so you realise your own self worth again. I'm not sure why you are getting harsh treatment ,it can be incredibly draining living with someone who has this level of depression longterm, it's like they are present physically but that's about it. You've carried the mental load and reared the children on your own. I'm not sure I would be OK with putting up with him pottering around for the next 30 years or so, not really capable of contributing to cooking or cleaning or anything.

If I was in your shoes I'd have a deep think about what I want for my own life and then make some tough decisions. Is it not about time you put your own happiness first?

pizzaHeart · 07/04/2023 08:01

palelavender · 07/04/2023 06:12

Maybe I am old fashioned but he sounds selfish, whiney and lazy. He has never cooked, cleaned, done laundry or looked after the children, and has always worked four days a week. He has refused to have sny treatment for his stress and, at times, been deeply unpmeasant.

He now, despite having a family, proposes to spend the next thirty years of his life devoted to his hobbies while his wife works fulltime and continues to do all the housework and cooking. This is the same wife who has never had any financial security in previous years.

I agree with this^ . There are lots of way to relax mentally and recharge which are contributing to family life as well. It seems that OP’s husband never did relaxing vacuum cleaning, washing, gardening even at a leisurely pace on his free days. He could take DC for a simple walk for ice cream while OP was doing admin or did some shopping. Nope. Instead of this I picture someone who is doing models in the spare room going out of it only for meals cooked by someone else. And he is nice dad because occasionally he doesn’t mind sharing sofa with DC and watch TV together.

@chocolatedaisy I can ’t comment on Occupational therapy referrals or other legal details but you are absolutely right to feel resentful and upset. His plan sounds very selfish and self-centred, and unrealistic. You need to up your hours if possible, to think exactly what you want from him and tell him about the expectations.
Potter around… Our former neighbour had MS, worked 3 days per week ( intense job) and did most of the family stuff on her free days. But of course she’s female so her relaxation techniques were different.
I agree with PPs that him changing is very unlikely so I will think hard about the next stage of your life.

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 08:03

user1492757084 · 07/04/2023 07:43

You could increase your work to three days per week.
Just doing that might help DH feel less pressured.
For the next ten years you will both be paying for education and sending your children into the adult world.
Then things will calm down.
Take your husband's mental health issues seriously and make sure he is regularly having health checks.
I would be looking into increasing chances of increasing his health and well being.
Could DH commit to a daily outdoor walk with his older son? Staying in the house or sleeping in is never a pick me up.

Could he take the younger children to a lovely green space to kick a ball on the weekends and a weekly swim in a pool with you. Increase his outdoor green time and physical activity.
Get him to walk the young one to school. Have him do something for a charity one morning per week and ask the boys to teach him to cook one simple meal each week. Interaction will take his mind off himself.
I hope he can continue working at three days per week and that he finds more purpose other than work.

Is he drinking more than five alcoholic drinks per week? Is he having social interaction or a hobby? Is he looking at screens each day? Is he not getting to bed early enough? Sunlight bright in the morning is beneficial. Not too much take away food. Does he like painting? Or drawing? Laugh more and tells jokes with the kids.
Try every thing possible to improve the mental health of the household.

That's good advice. The only thing is that I have been doing all that for years. Finding counsellors for him, cooking healthy food, suggesting he ups his exercise, spends time in nature, reduces screen time, has more social interaction. I am often trying to laugh and joke with the children to counteract the depressive atmosphere....

I feel in recent months I have stopped trying as much - I don't have the energy any more. If he wants to change his lifestyle, it has to be a decision he makes himself - he has all the information at his fingertips but only he can decide whether or not he is going to help himself.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 07/04/2023 08:04

While you may have only worked part time, you have also raised a family. The hours of housework would have been far more than your dh. I think you should look at increasing your days to four days a week. If you can’t live off that then DH can work a couple of days. I would only agree to increase hours if he steps up with housework. You can’t let him live the life of Riley while you work and do everything.

BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight · 07/04/2023 08:07

OP have you ever tried to tackle your ADHD? I have fairly severe ADHD and work full time. I understand the need for time outs, but I wonder if you’ve hooked onto that diagnosis a little to counterbalance your DH’s depression and perhaps are letting it hold you back? I outsource housework to a cleaner for this exact reason - anyone with ADHD knows a tidy house is essential for mind management but also tidying itself is borderline insurmountable for us!!

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 08:11

To PPs who have questioned if I still want to be in this relationship - I really don't know. I am attached to him, and to our life as a family and do love him. I feel sad at the thought of separating. But I am not sure if how I want to live and how I see my/our lives in the future matches with his vision. I will see how things go...

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 08:11

@chocolatedaisy I'm sorry to sound flippant but this is it, this is your lot in life. He has had years of leeching emotionally and letting you do everything in the house, he will not change. Have you told him that if he gives up work he will have to take over the house stuff? With regards to his depression, I'm afraid that's s dynamic that will be impossible to stop. You are there to prop him up, he won't want that to end. This is it, a man who has worked 3 days a week, has done nothing in the house for years isn't going to suddenly spring into action. I dont know how you can be attracted to this man. Go full time, expect nothing from him and you won't be let down.

Whatisthisanyidea · 07/04/2023 08:12

I think you need to present him with the facts - not only the running costs but future costs - teens will want to learn to drive, have adventures, go to Uni etc and that costa money.
Retirement is also a huge costa - how will he afford it?
Can he do other work?

BHXyogi · 07/04/2023 08:13

Best response ever!!

whattodo22222 · 07/04/2023 08:14

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 06/04/2023 20:25

People always come up with this... 🙄

Unlike MEN, when women are not at work, they do NOT spend their time pissing about doing fuck-all. Most of them do almost everything, from housework, childcare, school runs, shopping, washing, looking after older or infirm family members, and household admin, and everything, as well as working an actual job too sometimes.

When men ARE at home 'leisurely pottering about,' this is all they do! They do fuck-all in the house and home, and sit on their arse watching TV, scrolling through the phone, and snoozing. My DH was off for six months during covid, and he didn't lift a fucking FINGER to help. Just sat on his arse watching TV and sleeping in til 11am.

5 or 6 weeks in - when I realised he was going to be off for many months, I said to him 'you need to pull your weight around the house if you're not working. I'm not having you sat there like a lazy lump doing fuck-all while I do everything.' I was still working too. (From home 3 days a week.) He was actually gobsmacked and offended that I called him out. He said 'you only have to ask if you want me to help you...' Angry Fucking arsehole. I shouldn't need to ask! And even after me calling him out, he still did hardly anything.

And he isn't HELPING me. The housework is not my JOB. He got on my fucking tits just hanging around like a fart all day, constantly chatting and getting under my feet. I couldn't wait for him to go back to work! What will I do when he retires? No idea. I am dreading it. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

But yes, a man's place is at WORK, in the workplace. Not piss-arseing and lounging about in the home, just watching TV, playing video games, scrolling about on their phones, and traipsing around following you about chatting shit all day. And even if they DO go out, they are just playing their blokey 'man' sports like cycling, golf, and fucking footie.

@chocolatedaisy Your husband sounds like a useless feckless whingebag. I would be leaving if I were you. It's too late for me now. I should have left YEARS ago but was too weak and scared. I stayed 'for the children' and waited for them to finish school and then college and then uni, and then waited for them to leave home. Now it's too late.

And like HELL should you 'up' your hours. Stick HIS lazy ass out to work more hours. He sounds insufferable. Funny how men 'can't cope' with daily life and just find it so easy to check out of family life. Good job most WOMEN don't do the same. Hmm Women CAN'T. Noooooo. WE have to look after out family!

Show quote history

Do you wanna be friends? 🤣

MynameisJune · 07/04/2023 08:16

@chocolatedaisy I would tell him he changes or you leave. He is 50, you have potentially another 30-40years of this from him. He cannot just decide that he has had enough and leave everything else to you.

My DH works a high stress job, if he gets it wrong lots of people could die, he also works shifts so can do a full week over 3 days too.

When he is home he does all the cooking, the garden maintenance all the DIY (and there’s lots because it’s an old house), he also co-parents with our small children. He also has depression.

The difference seems to be that I haven’t enabled him. I work 28hrs a week over 4 days, was full time before children and for a few years after the eldest was born. Unless he wants to be the only earner and I’ll stay home or work a less well paid job 2-3 days a week then he has been told he has to be involved in all aspects of our lives because they’re not just my kids and it’s not just my house to clean.

You’ve enabled him and I’m not sure you’ll ever get out of that dynamic now.

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 08:18

@BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight "but I wonder if you’ve hooked onto that diagnosis a little to counterbalance your DH’s depression and perhaps are letting it hold you back?" That's perceptive of you, I have wondered that myself! I do really struggle with executive function and time management, but I find the work environment easier than doing all the tasks at home. I tried stimulants but had too many side effects so I am currently unmedicated. When I up my hours I will definitely be outsourcing some of the housework - that will be a weight off my mind. I am very impressed that you have fairly severe ADHD and manage to work full time.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 07/04/2023 08:18

BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight · 07/04/2023 08:07

OP have you ever tried to tackle your ADHD? I have fairly severe ADHD and work full time. I understand the need for time outs, but I wonder if you’ve hooked onto that diagnosis a little to counterbalance your DH’s depression and perhaps are letting it hold you back? I outsource housework to a cleaner for this exact reason - anyone with ADHD knows a tidy house is essential for mind management but also tidying itself is borderline insurmountable for us!!

I have ADHD. I don’t have any problem tidying, I mean I don’t like it, who does?

BHXyogi · 07/04/2023 08:19

I think you need to have the hard conversation with him which is he needs to be working. No option to stay home full time.

All support you give him needs to be towards him returning to his 3-day week job.