Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

[Thelionguard]

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

I have to agree too.

OP you are teaching your children that being disrespected by others is OK.
You are also teaching them to nhave nno respect for themselves.

It is a toxic way to parent..

Op won’t be back

might as well point your daughters to the stately homes thread now OP

Hope you are ok, OP.
What a bunch of absolute spongers these people are, embarrassing.
Do you have anywhere you could go to with your children? If so, snap this up with both hands. You do not need to live like this.

Feign illness for two weeks.

Goodness me!!!
I think you have to bite the bullet and tackle this head on
The next weekend the 3 younger ones are out do the house, you get the rest and the OH to sit down down.
Say you like all living together, but from X date (2 day time, next week etc) things are going to change.
Show them
X this is how much we pay in rent/mortgage
X is how much we pay in bills
X is how much we pay in bills

X is how much you expect each of them to contribute if they are working

X is how many meals you and OH will not be making a week, so they will need to split between them OR you and OH no longer wash-up at all.

And then a rota for other household tasks

You will know if you are better trying to get him onside first? Perhaps laying it all out for him might get him to notice!

I feel very sorry for your children OP.

You are being taken for a total mug. Tell him the house is going up for sale.

This situation sounds awful.

As your DP will not speak to them, tell him that you will be doing so. As you are vastly outnumbered the best way to do this would be by text, which has the benefit that you can write it over a few hours and go back and tweak it until you are happy with the tone. Start by saying that it is incredibly uncomfortable to raise this but you have no other option. Then tell them that going forward you will only contribute 1/3, which leaves an aggregate contribution of x from the 6 of them to be paid by 1 May to cover food, utilities etc. You will also be calling a meeting to set up the cleaning schedule and there will be times allocated for the 20 something couple to prepare their own separate meals.
Then tell DP that if this is not all working smoothly by 1 May you will be moving out and putting the house on the market. No way he will find a house to house all 6 of them, which should incentivize him (and them) to play ball. Good luck!

So he’s happy to upset you, but not them?!?

theres no way you should be splitting food 50:50. Of course he’ll want to avoid a row, because he hasn’t got a leg to stand on. What a piss take

I’m sorry op but you have been taken for a mug. His grown up children and the girlfriend need to buck the F up, get a job, clean up and help with cooking etc and pay rent! May I ask, how big is your house? How do you all fit in?

I would be encouraging the son with girlfriend/baby to move out. I know the current climate doesn’t make it easy but something needs to be done!

Didn't even see the bit where you own your home jointly! Jesus OP come on. There's being wet and there's being taken for an absolute fool.

I know this will be I popular but I do think a lot of this is on you for allowing it to happen.

honestly if some it hung didn’t change I would be 100% leaving. The eldest two kids need to pay their way (mental that they don’t already). And extra needs to be paid for the toddler and the partner - this is all just utterly absurd.

chore chart needs to be constructed - why on earth is your DH acting like his kids are 5???

Going slightly off topic but did you buy as joint tenants or tenants in common? Also did you update your Will?

Back to the subject. I moved back home at 25. It was the only way to save for a deposit where we were and my parents were fine with it and didn't need rent. Having said that they were both my parents, it wasn't crowded and I worked full time with a long commute so was out of the house a lot and shopped, cooked and cleaned etc I couldn't imagine not doing that.

in answer to your question, yes, it would be much easier being on your own with your DDs. You will have more time and disposable money to devote to them, you will be far less tired.

Piece of advice, I know the question is not about leaving but start researching how better off if you split. This may give you the strength to advocate on your own favour when trying to deal with this stupid situation your partner and children are putting you in.

OP our children learn by our actions.

Are you seriously happy bringing them up to be doormats?
It is damaging and even potentially dangerous to raise girls to think this is an acceptable way to be treated by others.

Your bar may be set low, but it would be tragic if your daughters grew up with the same mindset.

& when her partner shuts her down, undermines her, & tell his DC that they don't need to do anything so unreasonable as pay for or pick up after themselves - what then?

How about she recognises the reality, & walks away from it?
It will be shit for a while, while the house is sold, but OP can then put her own DC first, & start lavishing time & money on them instead of this family of fuckwits.

It's been hard to read about OP's children, unhappy in their own home & squashed out by a buch of demanding cuckoos. Their lives are being compromised by OP's choice to pander to somebody else's adult DC instead.

Why would anyone put up with this.

Be real OP none of them will ever change their ways. They're spoilt and entitled and lazy and if I was you I would end the relationship, rent a house with you and the girls and sell the house in the divorce.

You've already tried talking to him and he didn't do anything.
Time to get away.

All of the other adults are enjoying this situation. That doesn't make them right, of course, it just means that they are very unlikely to do anything to change it.

If you stand up to them, the whole situation will be twisted into you trying to break the family up, being jealous of their relationship with their father, or just being a psycho bitch (possible all of these). You can't win this fight, except to leave and insist on your share of the house. This will take time, obviously, but every day you delay will make your peaceful future life a day further away.

In the meantime, you can insist that your partner pays for their food if he won't make them do so. You can refuse to clean up after them, and you can make sure that you take your own children out of the house as much as possible, so the atmosphere isn't too bad for them.

I'm sorry that I can't think of a solution that makes staying together likely (I did try!), but what you seem to have is a situation where your worst nightmare is his dearly-held dream, and there really is no happy ending here.

I’d move out with my own kids and leave the others to it.

They are not kids, they are adults, taking advantage of you. If you can’t move out or don’t want to, you have choices, you can look after yourself and your girls. Clear up after yourself and your two own two children and let the others sort themselves out. No clean plates? Tough. Dishwasher full? Tough they can empty it.
But honestly op, I’d be gone.

Maybe time for a couple of weeks holiday you and the girls.
See what you come back to.

So your partner thinks his adult children are too special to any cooking and cleaning but expects you to do it after you've been at work for the day? That's ridiculous. He's happy to watch you work yourself into the ground while his family watch television. Not on.

Set out a budget for shopping. Divide the shopping bill by however many people are in the house and you only pay for yourself and your two children.
If the other adults want luxury goods they pay for it themselves.
Make life not so comfortable for them.

Is this one actually real? I can’t think who’d get themselves into this situation or stay in it!!

If it is real, house needs putting up for sale as I don’t think people like this will change.