Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

[Thelionguard]

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

Sadly that is exactly what often is the outcome.

Children grow up and rightfully judge harshly parents who put new partners ahead of them.

Her children are so small and she has bought a house with a man who thinks he has scored the lottery with a mug whose children are only there 50% of the time, and he has a skivvy who cooks and cleans for his lazy adult children.

Truly unbelievable.

I feel so much for the children.

They must be so confused to see their mother skivvying to these lazy wasters, spending money that should be spent on them, on adults of a man who is clearly by her behaviour much more importantto her than them.

I so hope they have a father who gives them some respite when at his, but experience on here tells me its unlikely.

Poor children, surrounded by adults exploiting their silly mother, who should know better.

What on earth?? Oh it's all very cushy for the adult children not paying a penny or lifting a finger, they'll not be leaving any time soon. Stop doing everything for them now, even better, tell them to leave as it's half of your house. If you leave then the house can be sold but may have to go to court to get rid of them.
You are their unpaid maid, stop doing it now. Be strong OP, goodluck, get real life support if you need to.

I’m not sure if this has been said already but can you have the cost of living crisis as the start of your conversation. Also when you moved in together what was the plan? I would have a read/think about your boundaries and assertiveness. I hope the adults have a plan and it’s not permanent that they are all living with you? Working full time is to much with all that on top. Everyone living there should have chores. All adults should be paying rent in my opinion.

This is awful for you. And worse for your own children. The pivotal thing is whose house it is? I’d be moving out if it’s his. Or asking him to leave if it’s yours. The addition of his adult child and partner and baby has disturbed an already tricky mix. As a parent I can understand him wanting to accommodate them. But you really don’t have to. And it seems as though your own children are getting lost in the mix.

I would find a small apartment and move out with my two girls. Let him deal with 5 people all by himself.

Thats what I would do.

by the way is your real name Mother Theresa?

Your 2 kids are only there 50% of the time, therefore you are responsible for the equivalent of 2 people's worth of costs (you + half each per kid). His oldest 2 are there 24/7 as is the GF, baby costs could be free for now and youngest 50% of the time, so he is responsible for 4.5 peoples costs (his, + 3 adults + half a child) . I actually think they should pay more given half of them don't go out to work and are presumably using electricity and heating the home where it previously was empty the rest of the day with kids at school, you and partner at work.

On that basis, you should be paying £2 for every £4.50 (or more) he (or he and his kids& GF) pays ie less than half the amount he pays for the household running costs and food.

Ditto chores/meal cooking. You cook twice a week, They cook 4-5 x a week and a takeaway every other week.

If this is a no, I think you take yourself out after work (sorry got held up at work, got a deadline) on a day you don't have your two kids, the expectation is that a meal will be ready for you when you get home.

Just as a bit of perspective, my 18 year old DS is working whilst still living at home. He is contributing 25% of his basic take home salary to bills and food and shares cooking and cleaning with his dad and me. He's saving for a house deposit and obviously going out with his mates and girlfriend.

All the adults in your house should be contributing one way or another. If I were you, I would stop cooking and cleaning for those at home not doing anything and just do for you, DH and the younglings, and stop paying for anyone but you and your girls.

You are NOT being selfish. They are treating you like dirt. DH needs to give his adult kids an ultimatum. You are not their slave.

Time to lay down the law. The 21 year old, 26 year old and partner of the 26 year old need to move out as they’re not contributing to the household and are instead putting a strain on it. They need to behave like adults rather than impede your ability to take care of the actual children in the home.

Time for a chore rota. I cant believe that you or dd doesn't pull them up on not even putting dishes in dishwasher.

Dh

It's pretty unanimous here, I hope you're OK @Thelionguard. All these posts must be a lot to take in. Take some time to digest, and look after yourself 💐

They are not children

I know this is selfish but i can't help it
you've been gaslit, thats why you think you're in the wrong, he's done a number on you OP, I hope you're starting to see it now

Move out ffs.

Good Grief! I thought you were talking about young children.
Some of these are full on adults and need to be contributing and helping.

Selfish, lazy so and so’s.

There’s a whole other family there, mum dad and baby. And she’s paying for half their food, cooking it and cleaning up after them. Whilst her own kids now clearly get much less,from her. I’m not even sure they even have a room.

You must know how ridiculous this is op. Why are 2 adults with a baby living with you, not paying rent and expecting you to make them dinner every day. It is beyond ridiculous and I would be leaving with my 2 kids if I was you.

You are not selfish in any way. Your OH is willing to sacrifice your money and time so he can be a disney dad. Fuck that - get out and take your kids - it's also not good for them to see this shit.

For fucks sake Op stop being a doormat and leave. Your poor girls having to live with a family of parasites that they are not even related to, and YOU did this to them. Were you really so desperate to live with a man that you just walked into this arrangement without a backward glance and now you let him rule the roost and force you to slave away for his lazy, feckless brats and you even hand over half your earnings for the pleasure.

Wake up woman, sell the house and leave asap before your DDs childhood is ruined by him and his parasites.

There are a lot of posts these days where the DH "won't entertain" anything other than his wife being a slave. That phrase should be applied to less important things. Like " My DH won't entertain the thought of eating fish". Not massive life decisions that he is not bearing the consequences of.

This situation is absolutely absurd, but the problem isn't the kids, it's your partner.

Blunt, but true.

The son, gf and baby need to be asked to leave asap - (it’s 50% your house - you get a say who lives there!) while you get ready to sell.

It’s like some horrible scam. They’ve basically taken her house off her.now get her to pay for their food and cook it and clean up after them. And her partner is making sure she keeps doing it. They’ve taken her house. Her money. They treat her like a skivvy. Her kids have become like passing guests inwhat should be their home.

I hope their father is providing a stable non chaotic environment until the op can extricate herself from this. It’s one of the worst things I’ve read on here too.

I wish you luck op. But you need ro get this sorted.