Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

[Thelionguard]

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

This is outrageous. I'd move out or at the very least tell your partner that everybody must contribute equally. It's not your place to support other adults! I can't believe the absolute fucking nerve of them! I agree that your life would be a lot easier with just you and your kids. It'd be interesting to see what your partner says when he realises he's supporting and running round after a bunch of adults 👀

Not sure about all the comments about the 20-somethings should have moved out and got jobs by now. It's not always that easy.

But everyone in the house should be doing something towards keeping the household going. Including your kids. They're old enough to tidy, put plates in dishwasher etc.

Tell them you're fed up, say either you create a rota where you all pull your weight or simply down tools and refuse to do it.

Out of interest, who did the housework before you came on the scene?

They are taking the piss and you're allowing them too

When I read this post I felt a heavy burden on my chest as though I was being buried alive - so goodness knows how you feel.

you definitely need to speak to him. Something has to change.

I'm sorry but at 20 (me) and 21 (DH) we had a baby,both working full time,married and brought a house.

I'm still in my 30's so not that long ago;if the two adult step children are still living at home because they can't afford to live alone that's unlikely to change anytime soon;how long are they planning on staying for?

The 26 year old and his partner need to doing their own shopping,cooking,cleaning and washing for themselves and their baby.

The 21 year also.

Your partner needs to contribute to the cooking,cleaning et. and do his own washing.

The 15 year can do their own washing and do chores.

Your 10 year is old enough for chores.

Your 7 year old can do basic chores such tidying up after themselves.

All adults in the household should be contributing financially.

Your partner needs to parent his own kids and enforce boundaries and expectations.

Maybe the 21,26 years old and the girlfriend should pool resources and rent a 3 bed house together.

I wouldn't be tolerating this level of disrespect in my own home.

The other option is you take your two girls and leave.

Just reading this made me feel stifled. Anyone at home should be doing to the bulk of the cooking and cleaning. I would draw up a rota. If no one follows it, then I would consider leaving. Of course you'll need to sell the house to get your half. But I couldn't live like this. I'm furious on your behalf.

Dear God. Get them out. I have an adult stepchild who is potentially looking to come back and no way am I entertaining this. Your husband should never have let this happen and for all of the burden to fall on you. I would seriously lose my shit if I were in your position.

It's worrying that you feel you can't even raise this with him. The youngest three still need a lot of input and support. Do they get time with their non-resident parents? You need to prioritise your DCs. You're showing them a rubbish example of how relationships work. What would you advise them if they were in your position?
The eldest three need to be taking steps to contribute, do chores and to be moving out. If your DH objects, then you need to think about leaving. Tbh it's the easter holiday, if I were you I'd go away somewhere just with your girls. Don't clean. Don't shop before you go. Leave the others to see how much you actually do.

This is absolutely insane.

You are setting a terrible example to your girls.

Wake up op, you are being treated like a mug and are accepting it.

OP, why do you need your husband to speak for you in terms of she you will or will not do in a home for which you are making payments?

It is fine that your husband won't speak , he has no objections. You,however, can and should speak on your own behalf. In your situation. I would announce that going forward, I will only be cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the 3 minor children and they will be expected to make up the beds and keep their rooms tidy.

The 3 adults will be expected to shop,cook , clean, and manage their laundry until such time as they put forward an acceptable plan for becoming contributing adult of members of the household.

Your husband need not worry about them deciding to leave. People who are living for free and not assuming any basic household responsibility are not likely to leave. Where else will they be allowed to live as non-contributing guest?

If your husband is willing to take on the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc for them, I would accept that as a satisfactory compromise as long as he understands that you won't be assisting him in the completion of those tasks.

Sure, because lies & passive aggression are always so healthy, & will fix any problem ...

If OP acted on this weird advice, the household would just grind to a halt & she'd be left to deal with the fallout when she emerged from her 'sick' bed.

None of this bunch give a shit about her wellbeing now, why would a manufactured illness change that?

Her "DP" is using her as a skivvy & a source of income. At the expense of her happiness & her children's time & attention from their mum.

The solution isn't game-playing, it's leaving.

i dont know what hes afriad of but just say either they leave or you do who would he rather lose

This is what you need to do

And be clear, you are not their skivvy

These are the golden years with your dds. You won’t get them back. Before you know it, they’ll be tweens and teens and won’t want to spend all their time with you. I expect it’s already started with the 10 year old.

Please stick up for yourself and your girls. Do they even have their own bedrooms? Or are they sharing? And whose house is this?

apols for italics. These are my thoughts. Somehow managed to do by accident.

Jesus OP, sorry for the pile in - but come on, you are depriving your girls of your money, your time and your dedication at their most important time - time you will never get back - to be at the beck and call of 4 adults who are not related to you

I can't see how you have any time, money or energy to take them to afterschool activities or weekend outings.

As for the rest of them, I am as lazy as they come, but basic humanity would make me want to do some tidying, cleaning and cooking, not just sit around on my arse until you came home from work to do it all. I think words would be wasted on the lot of them.

That’s shocking and you’re even paying towards their food. They must all think they’ve won life’s lottery. You’re paying for his kids food and cleaning up after them like some form of skivvy

you need to leave. It’s not right for your children. They’re now 6 of them. Is outrageous

It's time to tell him that you have had enough, that your DC aren't happy and that things have to change. Sit down with a plan in mind to discuss with him.

They are all getting an easy ride at your expense. The ones who aren't working are adults and should be able to assist you and him with the housekeeping tasks.

You shouldn't be paying 50/50 for his grown adult DC. Change it to 1/3 you and 2/3 him. It's up to him to get money out of his DC

This two little girls though. They can’t possibly get a look in.

how big is the house. Where do the girls sleep?

So in your house in age order there are two older adults (you and P), a 26 year old, a 21 year old, another adult (gf), a 15 year old, a 10 year old, a 7 year old and a baby. More than half of the people are adults!

I wouldn't be doing anything for anyone over say 16. So in your case that means you do things (between you) for your two girls and his youngest, everyone else sorts themselves out from now on and the baby is cared for by its parents.

Obviously since he's not on board with that it's a challenge but I think the way you should handle this is to make decisions for yourself. I.e. you do 50% of what's needed for the under 16s. He does the other 50% for the children and (if he wants) everything for the other 4 adults who live with you. It's not because they're his children rather than yours, it's because they are (or should be) responsible for themselves and this isn't doing them any favours in the long run!

I feel like without you taking on half the burden of caring for the adult babies in your house he will soon lose his commitment to pampering them too.

This isn't a forever relationship OP. With that in mind I'd be wary of devoting so much of your time and money into this lot at the expense of your own children. One day these people will be a distant memory and you'll be left to explain to your own children why you allowed their childhood to be taken over by a lump of freeloading adults.

This cannot be real. Your poor children. You are spending your money and energy on someone else's adult children while you poor children get the short end of the stick and made to feel like guest in their own home. You are a total MUG. Honestly this is one of the worst cock lodging piss taking threads I have ever read on here.
You pay 50% ?? This is actually unbelievable. I wouldn't be trying to fix it, I would literally be running for the hills. He saw you coming that's for sure, they all did

Given the rising cost of living in many places, it is becoming increasingly common for young adult children to stay for longer periods in the family home.However, it is not so common for those adults to expect not to provide assistance with household chores and maintenance. It is particularly intrusive to bring a partner and child to live as non-contributing residents.

In many cases , the adults are staying until they can save money for a place of their own. In those situations they may be making a nominal financial contribution , and in all cases they should be keeping their spaces clean and assisting with keeping the common areas clean.

You are running a home not a hotel , and they should be ashamed to treat home as if it were a horel. Your husband should be ashame that he did not rear them to be more considerate.

Feeding his kids is taking money from your young children because your income is going to support his children who are (a) greater in number, (b) not even all of them ARE his children - why is his son's GF living there and not contributing! and it's up to his son and son's GF to support their baby and (c) full grown adults!

In addition, cleaning up after all of these lazy people is taking away your ability to spend time with your own children, could be affecting your health, and is giving your little girls a bad example where, when a woman couples up with a man, she becomes a skivvy to her partner's every whim.

When you say your husband won't hear of asking his adult children to contribute (lest they leave) I think that is the crux of the problem. He is (in his mind) looking after his kids by giving them a leg-up while they are young adults. But the problem is (a) that he is doing it off of your back and (b) he does not respect that you have exactly the same right to look after YOUR children. Your children are not equals in this family. His children's wants take priority over your children's needs. He won't hear of you standing up for your children's needs because it might affect his priorities regarding his children's wants. This is not ok.

You are in an awkward situation because you co-own the home but I think the first step is to acknowledge that this is not fair to your children and that you have a duty to ensure your children are treated properly.