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Original poster

Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

276 replies

Thelionguard · 04/04/2023 12:47

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

OP posts:
Littlethingsmeanalot · 04/04/2023 15:21

The fact the op says her own kids are like guests makes me think she’s even given their room or rooms to this man’s kids. So literally she’s just bought half a house for them all then pays half their living costs and skivvies after them and her poor kids are just some afterthought.

Pearlygates · 04/04/2023 15:22

Meh 😕cost of living crisis or not, I don't think those moochers ever planned on leaving that house. One even brought his girlfriend in plus a child. They are here to stay and it's up to you OP to put an end to it.

forrestgreen · 04/04/2023 15:30

You are the family skivvy I'm sad to say.
He's brought up some very entitled adults who should be paying their way and contributing to the household.

If he can't see this then I don't see a way forward because the adults won't change willingly.

Can you imagine how restful it'll be just looking after your two children...

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 15:30

Your poor children

Their mother dedicating her life to another person’s adult children

Moveoverdarlin · 04/04/2023 15:31
  1. Call a house meeting for this week. All adults attend.
  2. Say all adult ‘children’ need to pay £75 a week each. Starting May 1st.
  3. Start a rota, meal prep and cleaning is divided between the FIVE adults in the house.
  4. If everyone agrees, then great. If not, I would genuinely leave. Your money is being spent on adults that are literally nothing to do with you. You’ll be far better off financially if you left with your girls. Your house sounds like a halfway house of random adults and babies and you’re propping them all up!
Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 15:31

He’s a twat OP
The children have been shockingly raised

but you are allowing your young children to be in this environment and for that… you need to shoulder the blame and woman / parent the hell up

SherlockStones · 04/04/2023 15:33

One of the biggest piss takes I've seen on here in a while.

You're being royally mugged off here OP

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2023 15:33

Your boyfriend and his ADULT children are taking the piss, both financially and physically. You should NOT be doing half the work when there are 5 ADULTS in the house. Your boyfriend should be ensuring his ADULT children are paying their own way food-wise; you should not be subsidising them; he should, if he feels the need.

I'd be looking to get out of there with your 2 children ASAP.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 15:34

He owes your children NOTHING
You owe his children NOTHING

He has successfully secured a very comfortable life for his children

You most certainly have not done the same for your children

Tiny2018 · 04/04/2023 15:34

Over my dead body would this ever happen to me, I cannot think of anything worse. Get yourself and your kids out and redirect your focus, he's absolutely taking the piss.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 04/04/2023 15:35

These leeches have no respect for you
You have somehow become the cook, servant and maid. It's concerning that you feel unable to raise this with the " household"
If you don't speak up, nothing will change
I feel for your DD's as they will suffer if this doesn't change
Your needs count too

Wrongsideofpennines · 04/04/2023 15:36

The other adults in the household need to be doing their fair share. They need to be sorting the shopping, cooking meals regularly, cleaning the bathroom, hoovering etc. And if they have their own income any way (including benefits) then need to be contributing something financially.

There is no reason why the adults cannot do their own washing, clean their own spaces and clean the communal areas and cook tea at least once a week. Unless they have significant disabilities and then you find some way of adapting it so they can do their share. I wouldn't even be asking your husband about it. Just get the 4 adults and teen together and discuss how they can contribute.

HelloDaisy · 04/04/2023 15:36

ChicoryDip · 04/04/2023 12:53

When the younger three are out of the house I would be sitting down as 5x adults and explaining clearly why the current situation isn't sustainable.

If Oh won't support this or the adult children aren't prepared to contribute fairly to the household I'd be moving out.

I can't believe that the grown up children believe this is ok. If OH won't back you up that's sadly your answer.

Excellent advice.

LifeExperience · 04/04/2023 15:36

What a terrible role model you are to your daughters! Yes, that's harsh, but it's a truth you need to acknowledge. Putting up with such disrespect and entitlement just to have a man, any man, is unconscionable.

Leave and take your poor girls with you.

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2023 15:37

I'd either end the relationship or live separately. He's massively taking the piss expecting you to put up with all this, and you should not be in a position where your opinion isn't automatically given as much weight as his on a subject like "is it ok for my 26 year old, his gf and child to move in with us". It's ludicrous that you feel like you have to go along with things like that.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 15:37

LifeExperience · 04/04/2023 15:36

What a terrible role model you are to your daughters! Yes, that's harsh, but it's a truth you need to acknowledge. Putting up with such disrespect and entitlement just to have a man, any man, is unconscionable.

Leave and take your poor girls with you.

Yes I am with you

The OP is utterly failing her children

redbigbananafeet · 04/04/2023 15:38

This is incredibly easy. Stop shopping, cooking and cleaning for the 25 year old and his family that are living with you.

The 15 year old is his child so you need to suck that up. The other 3 - poof, gone, not your job.

PoshHorseyBird · 04/04/2023 15:43

Tell your OH that enough is enough. Either a rota is drawn up with everyone doing their fair share of housework/cooking/contributing towards bills or you will do one of two things.

  1. you will only shop/clean/cook for yourself and your 2 children, OH can run round after his lazy ass (adult!) children. I imagine things might change when he has to do the donkey work himself.
  2. failing that, you and your children will move out. Half the house is yours so you will either let him buy you out or sell the house. In which case his lazy children will have to move out anyway. If it was me, unless things drastically changed, I'd go for option 2. The fact he's happy to allow his 3 children to treat you like some unpaid maid says it all really. The fact they are happy to allow you to act like their personal maid says a lot about their own principles. I wouldn't want to live with people like this.
purpledalmation · 04/04/2023 15:45

You are being a mug.

Azerothi · 04/04/2023 15:48

I am wondering what you think was going to happen when you wanted those 3 extra people to live with you and your boyfriend? You could have said no despite what you think. Or did he simply tell you that was what was happening?

I feel bad for your own young girls.

Paperbagsaremine · 04/04/2023 15:50

Start looking for somewhere else, people are very difficult to change and ultimately don't like it when someone wants to make them!

Just respect their right to be idle - and yours to have a life where you're not being an unpaid skivvy and subsidizer of grown adults.

You can still be bf/gf with your DP, though you may find out he was fonder of having an extra pair of hands than a gf (hopefully not ...).

cosmiccosmos · 04/04/2023 15:54

You are enabling this situation OP. Why on earth for example are you cooking for them and clearing up after them. Just stop.

These threads are always the same, if you're not going to change anything why bother posting. There's some easy changes you can make - are you going to do it OP?

jemimapuddlepluck · 04/04/2023 16:01

What the fuck are you doing OP? Do you have doormat printed on your forehead? Why on earth are you tolerating YOUR children being made to feel like guests? Fucks sake, desperation makes you put up with all of this, get you and your kids out! Do you just meekly run round after everyone? Like fuck would I lift a finger for these people. Hopefully this thread is bullshit, I notice the OP hasn't been back. Nobody is this much of a bloody mug 😡

BruceAndNosh · 04/04/2023 16:03

It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

Sounds like the ideal result!

Rosula · 04/04/2023 16:11

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

Then he will have to do all the work that results from the adult children being in the home. Not just his share, but all of it. If he wants to make the decision that you will be mugs and act as their cooks/cleaners/laundry maids/ nannies/ maidservants, he can't impose it on you.