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Original poster

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

421 replies

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
OP posts:
Rosula · 04/04/2023 07:55

itsgettingweird · 04/04/2023 07:44

On the fence tbh.

Yes it's lovely you tidied up for him.

But it would annoy me if someone moved my stuff and out it away where they thought it should go in my house!

And also washed my clothes on the wrong setting that they shrunk. And there isn't really a nice way to say it. Especially via text as intonation doesn't exist.

If everything else is ok with the relationship I'd respect his boundaries with tidying his stuff and wouldn't do it anymore!!!!!!!

Clearly his clothes didn't shrink, otherwise he'd have made a massive issue of it.

Marchintospring · 04/04/2023 07:56

Srin · 04/04/2023 07:13

Just don’t clean his place. It is very nice of you but makes you seem like a pleaser and a domestic drudge. Neither of these things are remotely attractive You have a stressful job with pay that is lower because of the holidays. The holidays are the main perk of teaching, so do stuff for yourself during them.

Exactly this.

You aren’t married, you aren’t living together. If he wanted a cleaner he could get one.
Just be a girlfriend - someone he fancies. Someone other people might fancy if he doesn’t show you love and attention. You’d have been better off cleaning your male best mates house. Bet he would have been all over that asking why you put all the effort in ( not nit picking you weren’t doing it right).
Hope you have lots of stuff this Easter you are doing without him too. You’ll be more interesting and have a better holiday than mildly disappointing days waiting around for him.

SquidwardBound · 04/04/2023 07:57

Rosula · 04/04/2023 07:55

Clearly his clothes didn't shrink, otherwise he'd have made a massive issue of it.

Show quote history

IME the clothes don’t have to shrink for someone like this to make a massive issue out of it.

Dreamingofasandybeach · 04/04/2023 07:58

I personally don't feel he was rude or ungrateful. He's shown that he's thankful just wished you'd use a different setting on the washing machine. Maybe next time don't bother doing his washing as he obviously likes it done a certain way. What you did was very thoughtful and kind and I think he genuinely did appreciate it 😊 Sometimes messages can be taken out of context but from what I can see it doesn't look like he was being ungrateful xx

SquidwardBound · 04/04/2023 07:59

Which is to say, the taupe of person who checks the washing machine to find out what setting you used is generally doing so because they’re looking for ways to criticise you.

Harrypewter · 04/04/2023 08:02

SquidwardBound · 04/04/2023 07:46

Some people just can't help pointing out every single nuance.

They could. But they are quite happy nitpicking everyone around them.

Or, actually, not everyone around them. Just those they feel they can treat that way.

Criticism is one of Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse in a relationship. Over time it often solidifies into outright contempt (if you’re constantly telling someone how they’re not good enough you will start to view them contemptuously) and can cause the person being criticised to stonewall

There is simply no excuse for treating a partner in a way that they feel they never do anything right and have to apologise for everything. Nice people don’t do that to someone they claim to love.

It is a choice to criticise someone.

I think it's good to blend and learn people's nuances. However, if it continues it does wear away at your self conscious.
I don't think she can help it. She told me she'd always been like this. It becomes controlling. And I agree, she used stonewalling during arguments to punish me.
God help the next poor soul she has to live with.

In the case of the op, he seems not to have a filter, on when to say something and when not.

Backstreets · 04/04/2023 08:02

He texts like a nob but yab kind of u… you tidied up his place which was nice, but at the end of the day he didn’t ask you to and doesn’t like how you did it.

rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2023 08:04

Moving in or not, I wouldn't be doing his washing ever again!

SquidwardBound · 04/04/2023 08:04

“Few things I will pick on but hey… Washing on 40. 👀”

Do people really think that is the nice way to say that they usually wash their clothes on 30?

Add to that the OP having believed that she put the wash on at 30. And knew what spin setting she’d used too. That suggests she was trying to think through what he would want her to use and even anticipating having to explain herself.

Humanwoman · 04/04/2023 08:05

I wouldn't be moving in unless you want to be picked at in a pa way all the time. He could have left it at you done a cracking job thanks.

SeaDee · 04/04/2023 08:06

ILoveNigelTufnel · 04/04/2023 07:36

In the nicest possible way, why are you moving in with him?

You feel you can’t do anything to please him now.
You have a selection of text messages telling you what you did wrong and that basically you wasted your time (the toys being in a mess)
He made snide comments about you being on holiday

I’ve been around the block for a while, teaching for over 20 years. It’s a blinking hard job. Brilliant but hard and tiring and what you don’t need is someone telling you are doing things wrong - we get enough of that at work!!
People make enough snide comments about holidays. We are lucky and get 13 weeks (not paid before anyone jumps up and down - it’s our salary split over the year), that’s a lot of time for a lot of comments to be made by him.
I know other jobs are tough / tougher than teaching, (I can’t comment on them as I have no experience) but I do know you’ll need someone on your side, will support you when you’ve had a rubbish day or a late one after parents evenings etc - not someone who nit picks and you feel you can’t please.

Please really consider if this relationship makes you happy. Like really happy. Really, really happy.

You should be excited to move in, not putting stuff on a website about how you can’t do things right the week before you move in.

I agree

Take a step back and have a think about whether you really want to move in with him

Ingratitude is a really unattractive trait, never mind the ridiculous nit picking and side swipes about your holiday

FlamingoQueen · 04/04/2023 08:06

Don’t move in! Please run for the hills - can you imagine that this will be your life forever? Who would even mention that the washing machine was on the wrong temperature?

SquidwardBound · 04/04/2023 08:10

Looking back on my experience in relationships, I actually think that people
being nitpicky and critical of you over things like laundry can be a huge red flag.

Highly critical, nasty men always seem to have extremely fussy, high maintenance clothes. When you’re doing the laundry anyway.

Queenoftheworld · 04/04/2023 08:11

@Doodles29 I think you have posted these because you know this is not ok.

And it is not ok. He manipulated you into cleaning his house then told you what you had done wasn't good enough. RED FLAGS.

Delay moving in then don't move in. This is your opportunity to find a better relationship.

SquidwardBound · 04/04/2023 08:12

FlamingoQueen · 04/04/2023 08:06

Don’t move in! Please run for the hills - can you imagine that this will be your life forever? Who would even mention that the washing machine was on the wrong temperature?

Who would check what setting had been used?

FrostyFifi · 04/04/2023 08:14

Just clean around things or do bathroom and kitchen only.

She's his girlfriend not his cleaner.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/04/2023 08:14

I'd call off moving in with him. Not sure what couture outfits he's got that would be ruined by a 40 degree wash, or how he even knows what setting you did the wash on. He's an grateful knob and you can do waaaay better.

Greenfairydust · 04/04/2023 08:15

My advice would be to try not to be so nice/a people pleaser.

Because you are probably the type of person who gives and gives and then is taken for granted.

I find his messages really annoying, ungrateful and immature.

Yes, you chose to do this for him but he should be more grateful that you did.

I would get rid of this one and spend time to work on yourself a bit.

Enjoy your holidays!

Remmy123 · 04/04/2023 08:18

I think you are being far to over sensitive

Greenfairydust · 04/04/2023 08:19

''@SquidwardBound

Looking back on my experience in relationships, I actually think that people
being nitpicky and critical of you over things like laundry can be a huge red flag. Highly critical, nasty men always seem to have extremely fussy, high maintenance clothes. When you’re doing the laundry anyway.''

Agreed, the backhanded 'compliments'' and nitpicking could be the tip of the iceberg and he could be someone who likes to be controlling/critical and will use that to make you feel insecure.

Don't move in with someone who is going to make you feel like everything you do is never good enough...

Mirabai · 04/04/2023 08:22

Feel like I can’t ever please him!

The way your title is phrased suggests it’s not just about this one incident.

It’s a very bad control dynamic to get unto feel like you have to please your partner while he withholds and criticises.

The healthy response is: ‘fuck off and do your own cleaning’. His place was a mess right?

I reckon he’s moving you to look after his kid and his home.

Personally I wouldn’t.

Hoppyhops · 04/04/2023 08:24

‘Your place was a complete mess so I thought I’d do us both a favour and create a decent standard of living before I move in next week. I’ll agree not to touch your laundry in future though. Like ya!’

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/04/2023 08:26

AndiOliversFan · 03/04/2023 23:47

If you feel like you can’t ever please him now, this is only going to get worse. Run, run now before you get sucked into a gaslighting coercive controlling relationship.

This!

Do you want to be his maid OP??

Cos this is what you'll be?

Does he clean your flat???

Mirabai · 04/04/2023 08:26

Greenfairydust · 04/04/2023 08:19

''@SquidwardBound

Looking back on my experience in relationships, I actually think that people
being nitpicky and critical of you over things like laundry can be a huge red flag. Highly critical, nasty men always seem to have extremely fussy, high maintenance clothes. When you’re doing the laundry anyway.''

Agreed, the backhanded 'compliments'' and nitpicking could be the tip of the iceberg and he could be someone who likes to be controlling/critical and will use that to make you feel insecure.

Don't move in with someone who is going to make you feel like everything you do is never good enough...

Exactly. “Can’t ever please him” and “always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down” - suggests this is his MO. This clean is not a one off.

Queenoftheworld · 04/04/2023 08:27

@Mirabai yes, this. Handy that the op is off during school hols....