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Original poster

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

421 replies

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
OP posts:
Swansandcustard · 04/04/2023 07:09
  1. His house is a pigsty
  2. You do something for him and he picks holes in it
  3. ’you done well’ unless this was a joke he reads as not terribly educated, as do the rest of his texts

You will be tidying up after him forever, and him running you down for it forever. Can you not see the red flags, op? What do you have in common? How long have you been together?

Srin · 04/04/2023 07:13

Just don’t clean his place. It is very nice of you but makes you seem like a pleaser and a domestic drudge. Neither of these things are remotely attractive You have a stressful job with pay that is lower because of the holidays. The holidays are the main perk of teaching, so do stuff for yourself during them.

Eviebeans · 04/04/2023 07:15

it seems clear from the start of your first post that he had been hinting for you to do the cleaning
the texts are him trying to train you up to do it how he likes lol

Beantag · 04/04/2023 07:17

AndiOliversFan · 03/04/2023 23:24

I think what grates most about this is that he felt the need to give you “feedback” by text. If, instead, he had texted “wow, amazing, thanks so much!” but then casually mentioned next time you were together that it was lovely to have done the washing but please don’t wash over 30 degrees if you ever do it again, that would have been politer.

Yeah I agree with this, its the delivery.

borntobequiet · 04/04/2023 07:18

Dump him, go on a nice holiday by yourself and get your life back. He sounds awful.

MrsRickAstley · 04/04/2023 07:20

I'd dump him for his texting ability.

bumpytrumpy · 04/04/2023 07:22

PousseyNotMoira · 03/04/2023 23:38

Seriously, MN makes me despair sometimes. WHO BEHAVES LIKE THIS? Why are you cleaning his house? Has he ever spent two hours cleaning yours? And what the hell are you apologising for?!

This. Please get some standards. Women are our own worst enemy

Bananalanacake · 04/04/2023 07:22

You can have a relationship without living together you know

bumpytrumpy · 04/04/2023 07:23

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

Noooooooooooooo don't move in. For fucks sake

Ilkleymoor · 04/04/2023 07:29

He seems to manipulate you very well - drops the kind of hint you will respond to and then gets at you for it as well. He's no good for you.

Plus you don't live together, don't tidy his house for two hours. If you've stayed over and it works out equal, then do the washing up before you leave but don't skivvy for him. That is already setting a terrible pattern.

C1N1C · 04/04/2023 07:32

I think what we've learned from this thread is that you simply cannot win.

Depending on the giver and receiver, this could be thought of as amazing, ranging all the way to dtb!

Either he's ungrateful, or she's intrusive; either she's inexperienced (wrong temp), or he's nitpicky/controlling; either he's playful and quirky (spelling), or he's ick.

I can't see anything wrong... he said she did amazing at the beginning (=thank you), but then gently said just to watch the temperature as he's worried his clothes might shrink. I've had this accidentally washing my partner's jumper... Best of intentions!! You're all lying if you all wouldn't do exactly the same if your husbands washed and mixed a colour into the whites, or didn't put your bras into one if those bags so the wires don't snag on the machine, or didn't squeegee the shower glass after cleaning in the bathroom.

You're not being ungrateful by saying "thank you... but next time could you..."

DrHousecuredme · 04/04/2023 07:34

Hmm I'd feel a bit conflicted if a partner decided to give my house a thorough clean whilst I wasn't there. On the one hand it was a really thoughtful thing to do. On the other hand some of the things you did were clearly an inconvenience and he's trying to be nice/jokey about it. I'd let this one go but maybe the consequence would be that I wouldn't clean for him again.

bofski14 · 04/04/2023 07:34

Jesus Christ! DON'T move in! You already feel on the back foot. You already feel not good enough and that you "can't ever please him" hence your title. This will worsen and deepen once you move in. You will then be critiqued on EVERYTHING. Literally everything. And then you'll feel sooooooo shit about yourself that the effort it would take to pull yourself out of the situation would be overwhelming and you'll likely just end up bowing and scraping to this man for the rest of your miserable life. Get out while you can. Fuck that. You have hour own income and your own place. You are fabulously independent already. Don't chuck all that in to play house with a loser.

Top tip - never, ever clean a man's home. Not your job. Not to be nice. Not to help out. Just no. Because you will either get the ick from picking up his dirty pants or cleaning his toilet OR he'll criticise that you didn't do it well enough. This is a no win situation. He, on the other hand, got a free clean out of it.

Harrypewter · 04/04/2023 07:35

These things are eventually ironed out (Sort of). Although ex was and still is like this. It felt like nitpicking in the end. Especially the bizarre complaints about how I washed up, and how much seasoning I used for instance. Or whether my cleaning was as detailed as hers.
Despite the fact she machine-washed my favorite cashmere polo shirt shrinking it spectacularly.
Some people just can't help pointing out every single nuance.

ILoveNigelTufnel · 04/04/2023 07:36

In the nicest possible way, why are you moving in with him?

You feel you can’t do anything to please him now.
You have a selection of text messages telling you what you did wrong and that basically you wasted your time (the toys being in a mess)
He made snide comments about you being on holiday

I’ve been around the block for a while, teaching for over 20 years. It’s a blinking hard job. Brilliant but hard and tiring and what you don’t need is someone telling you are doing things wrong - we get enough of that at work!!
People make enough snide comments about holidays. We are lucky and get 13 weeks (not paid before anyone jumps up and down - it’s our salary split over the year), that’s a lot of time for a lot of comments to be made by him.
I know other jobs are tough / tougher than teaching, (I can’t comment on them as I have no experience) but I do know you’ll need someone on your side, will support you when you’ve had a rubbish day or a late one after parents evenings etc - not someone who nit picks and you feel you can’t please.

Please really consider if this relationship makes you happy. Like really happy. Really, really happy.

You should be excited to move in, not putting stuff on a website about how you can’t do things right the week before you move in.

Rollercoastertycoon · 04/04/2023 07:38

FullBloom · 03/04/2023 23:21

Did you actually discuss it before you did it? Got to be honest, I'd be fuming if a partner cleaned my flat because they had decided it was a "bit of a mess", moved my stuff etc.

OTOH if you did discuss it and he agreed to you doing it, he's an ungrateful arse.

This.

I'm actually sat here very confused wondering why you cleaned someone else's house when they didn't ask you to.

MaireadMcSweeney · 04/04/2023 07:40

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

Don't move in with him!!!
adults don't communicate like this. He's ungrateful and that won't improve.

AngelinaFibres · 04/04/2023 07:42

This isn't going to be the relationship you are wanting it to be. Think very carefully about whether moving in is the best idea. Once you are there it's much harder to get out. If he speaks to you like this now he isn't going to turn into.a Prince once you move in .

Lovingitallnow · 04/04/2023 07:43

It's all very normal in many ways. If I was working and she was off or visa versa we'd probably slag each other off for being lady muck.

I'd only clean his apartment if I wanted to. He can hint away.

I'd be annoyed if anyone touched my washing- there's two threads on it recently- people are bat shit about their washing strategies. I'm not the only one.

Why did you ask for what the few things were? Do you care for his feedback? It's really hard to clean someone else's space. Lesson learned- don't do it again.

itsgettingweird · 04/04/2023 07:44

On the fence tbh.

Yes it's lovely you tidied up for him.

But it would annoy me if someone moved my stuff and out it away where they thought it should go in my house!

And also washed my clothes on the wrong setting that they shrunk. And there isn't really a nice way to say it. Especially via text as intonation doesn't exist.

If everything else is ok with the relationship I'd respect his boundaries with tidying his stuff and wouldn't do it anymore!!!!!!!

SquidwardBound · 04/04/2023 07:46

Some people just can't help pointing out every single nuance.

They could. But they are quite happy nitpicking everyone around them.

Or, actually, not everyone around them. Just those they feel they can treat that way.

Criticism is one of Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse in a relationship. Over time it often solidifies into outright contempt (if you’re constantly telling someone how they’re not good enough you will start to view them contemptuously) and can cause the person being criticised to stonewall

There is simply no excuse for treating a partner in a way that they feel they never do anything right and have to apologise for everything. Nice people don’t do that to someone they claim to love.

It is a choice to criticise someone.

itsgettingweird · 04/04/2023 07:46

And before you move in you need to discuss about where things go and your expectations of domestic chores and how they are split.

Fairislefandango · 04/04/2023 07:50

He sounds awful and your relationship dynamic sounds worrying. What on earth made you spend 2 hours cleaning up his mess in his house?! How dare he make snarky remarks about your no doubt well-earned holiday? If you move in with him, your giving nature is going to ensure your role as underappreciated skivvy.

Rosula · 04/04/2023 07:54

You shouldn't have apologised. I'd just have said "OK, next time I won't bother since you're looking for things to criticise". And washing doesn't shrink at 40, either.

Paq · 04/04/2023 07:54

Don't move on with him. What self respecting adult allows their girlfriend to do their shitwork for them? Red flags all over 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

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