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Original poster

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

421 replies

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 04/04/2023 08:29

It’s also worth realising that he chose to give this ‘feedback’ by text. He didn’t just say ‘thanks’ but also that he had to pick up on some things.

He didn’t choose to phone her so he could say thank you and then maybe explain that usually he’d wash his clothes on a different setting (if that was really necessary!). Or to say thanks and then wait for another time face to face to talk about how he usually does laundry - possibly part of the general discussions where they figure out how to live together.

No. He chose to respond immediately with weirdly passive aggressively phrased criticism.

How and when people raise things with a partner matters. ’thanks but…’ is not the same as ‘thanks’. Even more so when the ‘bit’ didn’t need to be raised at that moment.

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2023 08:34

Why the hell are you moving in with him? Nothing you do is good enough, it'll be 100 times worse when you live together.

All domestic drudgery will be yours and he'll find fault every time.

JesusChristThatsTastyQuorn · 04/04/2023 08:38

Oh God, please don't move in with him. He's only going to get worse.

Sisisimone · 04/04/2023 08:39

The way you say in your texts that you are always having to apologise when you do something nice suggests that he is often very critical of you. Do you want this to be your life? Because its not going to stop when you move in with him, it will likely get worse. Just those few texts reveal a really unhealthy dynamic in the relationship and he sounds awful. Its as if you are desperate to please him even though he is a complete twat to you. I definitely wouldn't move in with him but then I wouldn't have been manipulated into cleaning for him or let him speak to me like that either.

coho · 04/04/2023 08:42

Well done him (not) he manipulated you in to cleaning his home !

This is why he felt ok about criticising you over bits that weren't to his liking, it was because after his verbal guilt tripping he was expecting you to clean and tidy.

He had an expectation. When that then wasn't quite met because things weren't done exactly how he would have done them, he therefore felt ok about criticising your work. It's all down to his expectation that you'd do it because of what he said about him working and you not working that day.

This is my observation, sadly from experience of a long marriage to an ungrateful miserable git of a husband.

Smokingonthestairs · 04/04/2023 08:45

‘Like ya’ 😘
🤢🤢🤢🤢
see ya

WonderingWanda · 04/04/2023 08:51

I think he sounds like a controlling prick. Honestly op, do you see yourself marrying and having kids with him? Do you want a life of of nitpicking and micro-management? Unless you washed some cashmere then it's bullshit that 40 degrees is going to shrink his clothes. It was nice of you to do him a favour after he was actively moaning that he had to go to work and then he would clean later (not much of a hint there) and then to be so rude about it. The thing that makes me certain that he is a total prick was the smug 'I didn't ask for an apology comment' what sort of an arsehole nitpicks and then says that. Get rid of him op, you can do better!!

Pandorapitstop · 04/04/2023 08:58

You done..
That would be it for me

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 04/04/2023 09:01

I'm not so sure I'd be moving in after that, as others have said all he needed to say was Thank You. Don't start off as his domestic slave.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 04/04/2023 09:08

You'll regret it if you move in. He's going to get so much worse.

Eatentoomanyroses · 04/04/2023 09:12

You’re CLEANING for a boyfriend? Jesus Christ. Stop being such a bloody pick me. You’re supposed to be having fun and being wined and dined when you’re dating not turning yourself into Mrs Mop

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/04/2023 09:13

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Those screenshots make it look as though he's marking your homework with What Went Well and Even Better If.

And if he's doing that, then yes, you're right - nothing you do will ever be good enough. Because the whole point of EBI is exactly that.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/04/2023 09:16

Ah, the joys of a bloke subjecting her to a What Went Well and Even Better If. Otherwise known as meh, not a complete disaster but this are the ways in which you will never be good enough.

Manichean · 04/04/2023 09:20

You are a teacher, not a maid, and he is a cunt. Don't move in.

illtakeit · 04/04/2023 09:24

Wow! OP this is only the beginning. It wont end. Leave now whilst it's still very easy.

mewkins · 04/04/2023 09:24

Greenfairydust · 04/04/2023 08:15

My advice would be to try not to be so nice/a people pleaser.

Because you are probably the type of person who gives and gives and then is taken for granted.

I find his messages really annoying, ungrateful and immature.

Yes, you chose to do this for him but he should be more grateful that you did.

I would get rid of this one and spend time to work on yourself a bit.

Enjoy your holidays!

I think this too. And it sounds like he has a daughter? I think you're in danger of becoming the domestic help in order to win favour. Don't do this or he will realise he can take the piss.

Advicerequest · 04/04/2023 09:24

It could be that the time doesn't translate well in a text?
I'd be arsed off, mind - I once lcleaned my exes house all morning while he was at work and he told me off for leaving a cup on the sink
he was falling out of love with me

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 09:25

TrishM80 · 04/04/2023 03:37

You could have crossed out the kid's name from the text messages at least.

What kid? Pound to a penny says Bella's a cat. OP would have mentioned another human in the scenario otherwise.. Probably in the context of how much childcare she cheerfully volunteers to a critical & entitled man, hoping it will ingratiate her with him ....

Advicerequest · 04/04/2023 09:25

Tone not time

Twosticksandstring · 04/04/2023 09:25

Please don't move in with him - you'll be forever unsure of yourself and it'll never be a home for you.

Beanie567 · 04/04/2023 09:25

You’re moving in? Oh dear. Look at what other people are saying and reconsider.

Twopoodlesarebetterthanone · 04/04/2023 09:27

I think you are trying waaaay too hard to please him.

Meant gently but all the apologising and laughing emojis you are totally giving your power away.

Even cleaning his house - you did because he mentioned he was at work and you weren't?

If you are too 'nice' and eager to please at all costs it can make other people feel almost smothered and irritated. Also setting yourself up to be a martyr.

userfred · 04/04/2023 09:34

My opinion - he's got you wrapped around his little finger and he knows it. He knows exactly what to say to make sure you do what he wants.

All he had to do was make a comment about you having a day off while he's working - he knew you would clean his place for him. Because you have a good heart and he takes advantage of that. No doubt you are a huge people pleaser like myself. And no doubt you walk on egg shells around this man - it's just silent but it's there.

Add the 'like ya' at the end....that's awful. He has no respect for you op, he's just knows what he's doing.

You deserve better

Suprima · 04/04/2023 09:35

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:41

I did such a thing because I thought he was hinting at it. I’m also due to be moving in next week and the place was not tidy and his washing pile was a mountain.

I was doing it to help us both out. He has all of next week off to help me move in.

Tragic

you acted like a domestic goddess pick me beg, so he treated you like one

i wouldn’t be moving in with a man who had a mountain sized washing pile and a house in such a state when someone was due to move in with their stuff next week

did you clean up his child’s toys too?!?

Cappuccino17 · 04/04/2023 09:35

I relate to the washing clothes. I hate someone washing my clothes. My husband once put my brand new jumpers into the wash and tumble dryer and they all came out stretched and ruined. It clearly had washing instructions not to tumble dry! Id take it on the chin and id never bother doing it again. I'm sure it something that can be laughed off and joked about in the future lol

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