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Original poster

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

421 replies

Doodles29 · 03/04/2023 23:14

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached
OP posts:
Goodread1 · 04/04/2023 06:07

40 temperature

No way does this kind of Temp shrink clothes at all,

I am forever putting my clothes on that temperature,
As I definitely know it will be good for my clothes temperature 🌡 wise,

What a Controlling Prick of a joke of a so called Partner/Boyfriend 🙄 you have got there op@Doodles29

Please 🙏 listen to me,

I was you one time,

It never improves

Ever

You don't have to be intuitive (psychic like I am , to work out what kind of future you will have with this kind of Manipulative character in the long term .

Bogeyes · 04/04/2023 06:11

Fuck that

Dente · 04/04/2023 06:12

He sounds insufferable. Why are you pandering to him?

why are you cleaning for him ? Tell him to get a cleaner.

Goodread1 · 04/04/2023 06:14

Even a proffessional cleaner wouldn't be able to please this one,
He would somehow find fault somewhere down the line @Dente

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/04/2023 06:17

Can't believe posters are criticising the OP for washing the clothes on the "wrong" setting and that they'd be "fuming" in the boyfriend's place.

You didn't overstep the mark OP given that you are moving in next week.

But I would not be doing laundry ever again for him or ever touching his stuff. As someone pointed out, 40 does not shrink clothes; it just washes them better than 30. Fair enough if you'd put his cashmere wool jumpers on a 90 degree 3 hour spin but his texts were patronising and ungrateful.

I personally wouldn't last 5 mins with someone who nitpicked about laundry but that's me.

Flashingtealights · 04/04/2023 06:20

My mother in law wanted to ‘help’ me, she put my washing on a 40, shrunk everything. Going by some people’s comments I was not meant to mention it to her. I didn’t ask her to do it, I didn’t want her to do it, I was annoyed she interfered and did it anyway. Maybe he felt the same. He was more diplomatic that I was

haXXor · 04/04/2023 06:26

Flashingtealights · 04/04/2023 06:20

My mother in law wanted to ‘help’ me, she put my washing on a 40, shrunk everything. Going by some people’s comments I was not meant to mention it to her. I didn’t ask her to do it, I didn’t want her to do it, I was annoyed she interfered and did it anyway. Maybe he felt the same. He was more diplomatic that I was

I have never had clothes shrink st 40 unless they are wool or the cheap nasty viscose that White Stuff make reversible skirts out of. (Those skirts will shrink in a cold cycle, I'm never buying them again.)

Where are you buying your clothes from, so that I can avoid those sellers?

tryandfindmenow · 04/04/2023 06:27

Hmm pop your trainers on and run for the hills. From experience this is just the start, you'll never be good enough.

honeypancake · 04/04/2023 06:28

Why did you do his laundry? On your break!!? And apologised to him? He is being a bit nasty but sorry if it sounds harsh but you allow that. His messages were not hinting on anything, other than subtly telling you to not bother. If you don't like his mess you should talk to him, make sure HE cleans it, and have such discussions BEFORE you move in. Why are you in a rush to move in with a guy who is messy? You are basically encouraging him to keep being messy when you do stuff for him!

PrinceAperol · 04/04/2023 06:35

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 03/04/2023 23:27

I can see it from his point of view.

I wouldn't be thrilled to come home to find my stuff moved and my clothes washed on the wrong setting. I'd want to show gratitude for the effort you put in while gently suggesting I'd rather do these things myself in future. It would be hard to word it well, knowing you'd get offended (as you have).

Best you just don't clean his house. Enjoy your holiday!

I agree with this to an extent, but his delivery was way off, and hurtful.

It's never a good idea to do things like this by text. He should have waited until he saw OP.

DarkNecessities · 04/04/2023 06:37

It’s not the 40 that’s shrinking them, it’s that fast spin.
(missing the point but just saying)

PrinceAperol · 04/04/2023 06:38

haXXor · 04/04/2023 06:26

I have never had clothes shrink st 40 unless they are wool or the cheap nasty viscose that White Stuff make reversible skirts out of. (Those skirts will shrink in a cold cycle, I'm never buying them again.)

Where are you buying your clothes from, so that I can avoid those sellers?

Show quote history

You're right,clothes don't shrink at 40 unless they are certain delicate fabrics. 40 was the standard for a long time - washing machines didn't even used to have a 30 setting (or washing powder wouldn't work properly at 30 - they've now developed ones that do).

The vast majority of fabrics can stand a 40 wash with no issues so he was either being very precious or OP was washing delicates at the wrong temp.

@Doodles29 , did his clothes actually shrink?

Scribl · 04/04/2023 06:41

Please don't move in with someone who negs you after doing them a favour that they hinted at wanting. I got chills reading those texts, having been in a similar situation. You will never be able to do right for doing wrong.

Look back for similar examples and sit with them for a while. Think, really, really think, and don't get caught up in sunk costs.

If he'll do this kind of negging by text, moving in could mean a lifetime of walking on eggshells, and that's grimmer than you'd ever believe for you let alone for any kids you may have.

bluebottle23 · 04/04/2023 06:43

From an outsiders perspective this guy sounds a bit of a prick! The fact he wrote 'like ya' at the end of one of his messages would be enough for me to never want to see him again.

Also, read the messages you sent. You seem anxious and on edge with him. This is obviously a build up to him making you feel just not quite good enough. You deserve better than this. Even your text messages make it clear that you think you deserve better. Sack him off and spend all that energy being a lovely human being to him and spend it on yourself. You sound lovely and kind and this guy is taking advantage of that and your insecurities xxxx

ThefourseasonsFrankie · 04/04/2023 06:45

How did he know you washed at 40 degrees?

Cakeandcardio · 04/04/2023 06:51

Yeah. These messages are not nice.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 04/04/2023 06:52

DON'T MOVE IN WITH HIM JESUS CHRIST.

You say you feel like you can never please him. I promise you, you will feel this x1million, every day, if you live in "his" place. Please don't do it.

IVbumble · 04/04/2023 06:53

AndiOliversFan · 03/04/2023 23:47

If you feel like you can’t ever please him now, this is only going to get worse. Run, run now before you get sucked into a gaslighting coercive controlling relationship.

This. Don't move in unless you want to find out the real him & then have a huge hassle trying to get away from him.

Wnikat · 04/04/2023 06:56

Whether or not his pissy text messages are a deal-breaker, don't move in with him when you're clearly feeling so insecure about the relationship.

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/04/2023 06:59

The name is the dog, his dog

DeeCeeCherry · 04/04/2023 07:01

Fuck his boring ungrateful feedback. I'd be off. Have a word with yourself about apologising to him - what's on earth is that about? & Now you're ruminating over this silly man.

He could have just said thank you. & If perhaps he doesn't really want you to tidy up his place then there are subtle ways to make that clear to you as you go along. Despite all the 'straight talk' on MN - we don't actually have to be blunt it's not some kind of badge of honour - ie he could have spared your feelings, what would it cost him? But his texts are rude anyway. & sounds as if he hinted to you about the cleaning anyway.

If you actually want a man like this I'd say you need to be less sensitive to his criticism if you're staying around him.

Whataretheodds · 04/04/2023 07:02

Do not move in with someone whom you feel is always picking at things you do.

It's really worrying that you cleaned for 2 hours because you thought he was hinting for you to do it. This will be his expectation every school holiday.

Out of interest how long have you been together and is B--- his child?

MrMarkham · 04/04/2023 07:02

I wash literally everything at 40, fast wash 😳 I haven't noticeably shrunk anything (yet!)

Hillrunning · 04/04/2023 07:03

Notamum12345577 · 04/04/2023 00:30

Wouldn’t her cleaning his house more likely make him think of her as Wifey material? Apart from her doing it wrong that is 🤣

Eh? Are there really such sad men? If thats how his mind works, she needs to stay well clear.

SquidwardBound · 04/04/2023 07:04

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 04/04/2023 06:52

DON'T MOVE IN WITH HIM JESUS CHRIST.

You say you feel like you can never please him. I promise you, you will feel this x1million, every day, if you live in "his" place. Please don't do it.

Yes. Ignore all the stuff about whether the laundry was the right temperature or whatever and just recognise that you haven’t even moved in yet and you’re already feeling that you have to apologise for everything you do.

That’s not going to get better when you move in.

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