Feel like I can’t ever please him! Text messages attached

[Doodles29]

Last night I stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I am a teacher so am currently on Easter holidays.

He mentioned last night that he was going to come home today and clean after work. He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

His place was a bit of a mess, so this morning I got up and spent 2 hours cleaning his place.

He says he appreciated it, but always seems to give me a bit of a back handed put down. This time it was about the washing machine setting. Text messages attached.

Am I the one being too sensitive? It’s great that he’s honest - but sometimes it hurts, especially as I have spent time to do that for him.

it just doesn’t make me want to do things like this for him again, which is a shame, as I’m a very giving person.

Don’t move in with him. The fact that you are certain you put the wash on 30 but he is saying 40 makes me think he is actively looking for something to pick you up on. He sounds horribly fussy and controlling. Nothing is going to shrink at 40 degrees anyway, if it can take a 30 degree regular wash. Only woollens, and that would have been a separate wool cycle. So that alone would annoy me as it suggests stupidity as well as fussiness.
He sounds like an annoying boss not a boyfriend. I half expected a mark out of ten at the end.

You must have posted your texts from your trial shift at a cleaning gig by mistake.

I think the washing temperature is quite telling. OP is sure that she set it at 30. He insists it was 40. Of course, OP could be mistaken, but it would worry me enough to at least delay moving in if at all possible. Especially so if there is a pattern of this kind of "feedback".

I know the circumstances were a little different but many years ago when my husband and I were on our honeymoon, my mum and mother in law cleaned our flat from top to bottom. Although it looked lovely when we got home, and had been done with the best of intentions, it felt like a complete violation of our privacy and the last thing I would have ever wanted was for someone to be going through our dirty washing, changing the bedding etc.

*li'l

Surely this is enough to put you off as a teacher?

Just put the boot on the other foot. If your chap cleaned your house and washed your clothes but did a few bits that made you tut, would you react in the same way?

Please don’t give up your whole life to move in with this twat. Seriously.

@Doodles29 how old are you OP? Not meaning in a patronising way but you sound late 20's or round there? I ask because at that age I too was a people pleaser and had a series of boyfriends who treated me like shit. Took until late 30's to get some proper self-esteem.

Please take time to evaluate things before moving in. Moving in is generally a precursor to marriage or life-long commitment (unless you want a break up move our scenario which is horrible and painful to disentangle from believe me). So essentially you are saying to yourself that you are ready and prepared to stay with this man the rest of your life. Now is the moment to make sure you are taking the right step before you make a massive mistake.

I think you could do much better and the dynamic feels wrong. You taking it upon yourself to clean for 2 hours on your hard-earned school holiday is not on. His comments are also not on.

All the crying with laughter emojis are strange if you're advanced enough in your relationship to be moving in together. It seems a fragile dynamic.

Maybe he waited until you gave notice on your old place to show his true nature as a bit of a shit.

He then made a joke about me going merrily off on my day relaxing and him being at work (I know this was meant as a joke).

Really? But you didn't treat it like a joke you treated it like a hint. You cleaned his flat and did his laundry - what a waste of a day off. You are teaching him that all he has to do is make a "joke" and you will feel guilty and do things for him.

Smileys don't make something a joke. They are passive-aggressive.

And yeah, don't mess with his mess. It's his mess, let him sort it out his way.

I’m also due to be moving in next week

Think again. If he wouldn't sort his mess out himself so that you could move in, why would you want to?

The op has said she's moving in with him soon so that's not the same thing at all.

He wanted her to clean his flat and all he had to do was make her feel bad because she had a day off and he was at work. He's just showing her a taste of what life will be like living together properly.

He doesn't feel violated, he's controlling.

YOURE MOVING IN WITH HIM?????

please reconsider.

Just awful.

He could easily have said 'if you do any washing again please can you wash on 30? Thank you, you did an amazing job, really appreciate everything you've done'

But he clearly wanted to put you down.

Honestly? It sounds like he’s politely trying to set some boundaries in place. He doesn’t want his stuff moved.
He washes at a certain setting to keep his clothes in good condition.
I wouldn’t have gone to the lengths you did, tbh. I think it’s a bit overreaching to do these things in someone’s home without their permission, and then also be offended.

Yup

Having read other threads about him - you clearly have doubts about this relationship so moving in probably isn’t wise.

I think the proper etiquette to cleaning someone elses home is to do the minimum,
.toilet
.dishes, wipe down sides
.tidy and hoover,
.take out bins

absolutely not deep cleaning , moving their stuff, or washing clothes because alot of people dont like that

I think he was attempting to be honest with you about what he didnt like , which is actually healthy communication
But its coming across as distasteful because you were trying to do him a favor..

Personally I would prefer someone to be honest with me than be fake and I would have just said sorry

Does he usually nitpick at you ? Is that why you feel slighted?

I agree with this. Although to be honest, it's probably going to be the same with most men. Most men are the same. Like to neg you and not let you get ideas above your station, and think you're better than them at anything.

My husband has got a lot of good qualities, but for some reason, like most men, he also has a little bit of a negative thing to say about almost everything I do. Although my mother was the same. I don't know if it's a man thing or is just a person thing - because I don't do it. But I do know more MEN like this than women.

After over 30 years together, every single thing I do - in the house, every single thing I produce for dinner, every single thing I do in the garden, DH has something to say about it - and it's usually negative. He'll sometimes say something quite nice and decent about something, and then will say a tiny little negative comment on the end to counteract it - to make sure I don't get too cocky, don't get ideas above my station, and think I am better or cleverer than him.

As I say, my mom used to do it as well. I spent 20-odd years of my life being criticised by her. 19 out of 20 things I did weren't good enough. I'm in my 50s now and to be honest, after so many years of DH's little snipes and thinly veiled insults and criticism, and snarky, passive aggressive little jibes, I'm hardened to it now, and I take absolutely not a scrap of notice of anything he says now.

Unfortunately for DH, after over 30 years of taking thinly veiled criticism, and just putting down anything and everything I do most of the time. I just absolutely take NO notice of anything he says now. I've got no respect for his opinions or his views (about anything I do.) And if he says anything critical about anything I do, it's water off a ducks back and I never appreciate what he thinks. Coz it's irrelevant to me. If I know something's good and I have done it well, I know it.. If he criticises it. I really, really don't care. How can I take any views of his seriously, when they are ALWAYS negative?

This is a hard one as personally wouldn't have just cleaned my DP's house in the early days without asking him, especially not his washing and moving things around.

That said, I also don't then like the tone of his text messages BUT I'm also thinking how could you politely say thanks but... please don't do it again, without it sounding ungrateful?

I know it's not really the done thing to look back at previous posts but out of interest, how on earth do you look at a posting history now that advanced search is no more?
I'm on an iPhone.

i remember cleaning a boyfriend’s flat, I think it made me go down in his estimation rather than up! Like I went from romantic to domestic skivvy over night.
I was trying to be nice to but I think it’s really better not to do these things. Also, as others have said, you’re setting a bad precedent for when you move in!

This. I think he's tried to jokingly and politely put boundaries in place but said it in an awkward way.

I can relate tbh, whenever my mother in law stays she puts all our washing on a hot wash and shrinks our clothes. I wash everything on a delicates and my family do have some nice clothes for special occasions. I ask her to leave it but she does it again and again and it is infuriating, especially when the clothes have to be thrown away.

Why would you move in with someone whose house is dirty and has a mountain of washing?? Is this grown man not capable of cleaning?

Also, it sounds like he has kids and he's bringing them up in this mess?

So you'll be moving in, no doubt be cleaning more than him (because your standards are hygienic and his not so much) and potentially looking after his kids as well? But then he'll criticise the way you do it?

Are you sure you want this? It's a lot to take on.

Read some of the threads on the Stepparents board if you need a better insight as to how this will effect your life.