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Original poster

Bf doesn't go out on his own and seems to think I shouldn't either

146 replies

AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:14

Bf (45, me 36) of 3/4 months has made it clear he doesn't go out socially on his own and thinks this is appropriate in a relationship.

He seems to think I should also take this approach.

His main explanation seems to be he thinks it's "unfair" on the other person.

We don't live together obviously but even if we did, I wasn't expecting to not go out socially once inna while on my way own (girls night out, catch up, even potential work social thing).

He says this was the status quo, as such, in his most significant relationship.

I find it all a bit strange. At best lacking independence and boring; at worst controlling (?)

Also "not fair on his gf/partner" for him to go out; sounds like he thinks he'll have a like of ladies flirting, touching him up and trying to take him home lol. He's not unattractive but really .....I don't get the reverse at nearly a decade younger and ok looking.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/04/2023 18:15

That would be a firm goodbye from me.

rainyalan · 02/04/2023 18:15

It's simple walk away now before he gets worse.

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:16

And even if you had someone coming onto you; what's unfair a out it if you pass yourself but don't take them on?

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 18:17

of course you are allowed out on your own!

CrapBucket · 02/04/2023 18:17

I was married to a man like this, honestly - run a mile. He is not a keeper.

Fairislefandango · 02/04/2023 18:17

Massive red flag. He's a controlling arse.

Smartiepants79 · 02/04/2023 18:18

After only 4 months I’m afraid this is a big fat no and a massive red flag.
It is extremely controlling and weird.
Move on.

WheelsUp · 02/04/2023 18:18

Massive red flag.

WhatFreshHeckle · 02/04/2023 18:18

😬 yes, that's weird and potentially controlling

DelilahBucket · 02/04/2023 18:19

That's an absolute no from me. I had an ex like this, I ended up estranged from my friends and family, trapped in an abusive marriage.
On the other hand, DH and I have separate and together social lives and it makes us happy, as well as giving us things to talk about. For example he went out all day with his friends yesterday on a hike, I had friends round to the house. When he got home we just had so much to tell each other about our day! We've spent today doing things together, and continuing to talk about yesterday!

weathervane1 · 02/04/2023 18:20

It won't be long before he cuts you off from your friends, makes you dependent on him for everything including feeling good about yourself - or not - and you'll become a shadow of your former self. Narcissistic behaviour at its finest. Get rid asap. You will not change him and you have to wonder why his most significant relationship to-date didn't last. The woman saw the signs and bolted whilst she still could.

Stichintime · 02/04/2023 18:20

Run now

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:20

I'm glad other people find it weird too.

He's otherwise seemingly reasonable, very supportive, had good qualities but ..... This is very restrictive I think and I don't fully get the reasoning behind it.

Is it to avoid the foolish alcohol related nonsense/mistakes that some people sometimes get into on nights out.
I think you'd be better driving moderately than not going out separately.

OP posts:
Number24Bus · 02/04/2023 18:21

What? Surely he must realise that lots of people go out without their partner?

arethereanyleftatall · 02/04/2023 18:21

Run. As fast as your legs will carry you. Regardless of any other aspect of him.

SunflowerTed · 02/04/2023 18:22

Not a relationship I’d want to be in but you’re clearly happy to be in this kind of controlled environment

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:22

you have to wonder why his most significant relationship to-date didn't last.

Just to be accurate, he was tragically widowed.

His relationships in the considerable time since then don't seem to have lasted though.

He has reasons for why they didn't... Alcohol problems on their side, expecting him to subsidise them etc. But ...

OP posts:
SurpriseSparDay · 02/04/2023 18:23

Bloody hell - how have you lasted 3/4 months??? Shock

I’m now imagining his last ‘most significant’ partner - post hasty solo flat white at Costa - currently residing in pieces in his freezer. And I’m not even joking. Have some respect for your physical and mental cohesion and dump the abusive fucker. Seriously.

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:24

SunflowerTed · 02/04/2023 18:22

Not a relationship I’d want to be in but you’re clearly happy to be in this kind of controlled environment

No, I'm not.

I've never had a relationship we didn't socialise separately as well as together in.

I'm very uncomfortable about the idea.

OP posts:
verdantverdure · 02/04/2023 18:24

Nope. Nope. Nope.

What are the rules to this can't go out on your own nonsense?

He stays in the house at all times unless coming to meet you?

No hobbies, no exercise, no friends?

Would meeting family or friends for a coffee or lunch contravene the rules?

Is it just "nights out" at gigs, comedy nights, pubs and nightclubs it applies to?

Because most people meet their affair or partner through work, hobbies or online.

Actually, ignore me.

Just no.

Don't engage with it.

qqq82 · 02/04/2023 18:24

See ya pal!

SunflowerTed · 02/04/2023 18:24

My husband was tragically widowed and we both have a healthy relationship with our friends and family outside the home!!!!

Imnotachap · 02/04/2023 18:25

Why are you trying to explain this. He thinks that you shouldn't leave the house without him. This is totally fucked up. Stop pontificating about why he's a controlling arse and leave.

ThisIsWednesday · 02/04/2023 18:25

I've been with DH for 20 years. Neither of us go out alone really but if it did come up that we were invited on a night out alone with pals or workmates, neither one of us would blink an eye and would probably offer to drop the other off or DH would take me shopping for a new outfit for the occasion!

I'd dump your BF. So he doesn't like something so you shouldn't be able to do it either? What's next? Not watching horrors when you're home alone cos he doesn't like them? Throwing the carrots out of your fridge because he doesn't eat them?

ClassicLib · 02/04/2023 18:26

You need to nip this behaviour in the bud, very firmly, before it becomes controlling. He needs to understand, very clearly and in words of one syllable, that he does net get to decide or control what you do, where you go or who you see and that you will not be asking for his permission or his consent. Not now, not ever. Full stop.