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Original poster

Bf doesn't go out on his own and seems to think I shouldn't either

146 replies

AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:14

Bf (45, me 36) of 3/4 months has made it clear he doesn't go out socially on his own and thinks this is appropriate in a relationship.

He seems to think I should also take this approach.

His main explanation seems to be he thinks it's "unfair" on the other person.

We don't live together obviously but even if we did, I wasn't expecting to not go out socially once inna while on my way own (girls night out, catch up, even potential work social thing).

He says this was the status quo, as such, in his most significant relationship.

I find it all a bit strange. At best lacking independence and boring; at worst controlling (?)

Also "not fair on his gf/partner" for him to go out; sounds like he thinks he'll have a like of ladies flirting, touching him up and trying to take him home lol. He's not unattractive but really .....I don't get the reverse at nearly a decade younger and ok looking.

OP posts:
Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:49

he knows damn well that isn’t how other people behave.

I'm not saying he's in any way right, but his family seem to act that way too. They seem to do everything in couples. It's a bit Father Ted (we are in Ireland). Maybe that's why he thinks it's normal.

OP posts:
Onthegejdj · 02/04/2023 18:49

He’s telling you she wants him back so that your begin to worry and start thinking ‘hmm, maybe I should just stay in with him, or he might go back to her’.

Honestly OP, this is classic abuser behaviour. I had it done to me, and it took nearly four years to get out of it and go back to living a proper life. Blaming the exes, him promising not to go out and saying I shouldn’t, it’s just the start. It will get worse, and one day you’ll look back and wonder how your world has shrunk since you met him. Get out now and don’t look back.

Mari9999 · 02/04/2023 18:50

OP, unless you have a very shallow dating pool, what keeps you dating this man?

He is not going to have some mid life, born again, socially adapt experience. There is probably a woman out there for him, and I would not stand in the way of his meeting her.

Why bother to waste time wondering why he is this way. It is his absolute right to be as socially awkward as he chooses to be, and it is your absolute right to move on without a backwards look.

Leave him to find his Ms. Right while you move on in pursuit of your Mr. Right.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 02/04/2023 18:51

Run. Fast. At only 3 to 4 months in, you should still be in the blissfully happy phase, not at the controlling, telling each other what to do and blaming your exes for your unreasonable behaviour stage...

This guy has shown you who he is, it's up to you to act assertively now so that you aren't back here down the line when it's all gone wrong it already has, imho

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:51

Number24Bus · 02/04/2023 18:47

So what did he say next when you said you wouldn't be doing this?

Nothing really.

He didn't argue.

OP posts:
Summerslimtime · 02/04/2023 18:52

If you're not going to outright end it, then I'd be quickly arranging some big nights out with friends and see what his reaction is.

You see, you start off being confident in your ability to tell him no, but before you know it you are walking on eggshells and begging him not to leave you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/04/2023 18:55

His main explanation seems to be he thinks it's "unfair" on the other person

Hasn't he learned by now that life isn't fair? he's certainly old enough to have worked it out for himself.

SpecialControlGroup · 02/04/2023 18:55

That would be a red line for me. A relationship should enhance your life, not be you life and for him to be happy requesting that so early on? Red flags all round

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:57

He’s telling you she wants him back so that your begin to worry and start thinking ‘hmm, maybe I should just stay in with him, or he might go back to her’.

To be fair he's said he's not got the slightest notion of ever getting back together with either of them; he found one too heavy drinking and too ....not sure what the word is but she slapped a couple of other men's arses (her brother's friends).in a bar while bantering and stuff like that put him off bigtime, which I don't think is entirely unreasonable. He said she's a bit rough round the edges and not for him.

Likewise with the other, apparently she's a mean drunk, and violent at that. (She's also the one who is supposed to be paranoid, insecure etc.). He said he was not taking any more of that from her, and no chance of ever going back.

So, while I still don't know the full version of why the relationships broke down, he's definitely not trying to use the competition angle on me; hes adamant he's not getting involved with either again.

OP posts:
Roussette · 02/04/2023 18:57

AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:49

he knows damn well that isn’t how other people behave.

I'm not saying he's in any way right, but his family seem to act that way too. They seem to do everything in couples. It's a bit Father Ted (we are in Ireland). Maybe that's why he thinks it's normal.

He'd hate me. I've been married decades but never missed taking a holiday with my girlfriends every single year.

Who does he think he is? I's controlling and it's just the start of it. It'll be dictating what you wear next.

Do his family wear matching anoraks too?!

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:59

unless you have a very shallow dating pool

Yes, unfortunately.

But maybe that means relocation should be considered (!)

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 02/04/2023 18:59

Tries to get you to agree to not go out without him.

Blames all his failed relationships on the other person's 'faults'.

Triangulating you with two of his exes.

Three red flags should be more than enough for you to pull out, OP.

Aria2015 · 02/04/2023 18:59

Yeah, not a good sign. The only couple I know who have this rule have crazy trust issues due to previous infidelity (they both cheated on their previous spouses to be together). It would be a no from me!!

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 19:00

Do his family wear matching anoraks too?!

Not that I have observed lol

OP posts:
SpecialControlGroup · 02/04/2023 19:01

AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:46

He also said the other one messages him asking if he's going to attend an event related to the hobby club they met at. So they both sound like they are interested and maybe he did indeed finish with them. Unless he's lying a out the messages.

But this is all an aside.

Or he is trying to make you jealous and insecure by telling you about all of his other options....another red flag

Shoxfordian · 02/04/2023 19:01

He sounds like the paranoid controlling one not his ex. Why do you want to stay with someone like that?

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 19:01

CheekyHobson · 02/04/2023 18:59

Tries to get you to agree to not go out without him.

Blames all his failed relationships on the other person's 'faults'.

Triangulating you with two of his exes.

Three red flags should be more than enough for you to pull out, OP.

I don't think "I'm glad those relationships ended and I would never go within a mile of them again" is triangulating me with them, but your other points, definitely.

OP posts:
outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 02/04/2023 19:04

It's controlling and frankly weird.

Men who think like this won't change - don't set yourself up for a lifetime of arguments or worse being completely controlled. It will only get worse. He's shown you who he is - believe him.

CheekyHobson · 02/04/2023 19:04

So, while I still don't know the full version of why the relationships broke down, he's definitely not trying to use the competition angle on me; hes adamant he's not getting involved with either again.

And yet he stays in touch with these two exes who he thinks are a) beneath him and b) mean and violent, even though they're apparently delusionally trying to restart their relationships with him.

I don't especially stay in touch with exes who were nice, so why is he keeping these women around? Ego boost, poor boundaries or not giving you the full story, is my guess.

Roussette · 02/04/2023 19:04

Trouble is... if you carry on with him, he'll begrudgingly accept you going out with friends without him. For the first few times. Then he'll start to sulk. Or get angry. Or give you the silent treatment.
If he thinks this, he thinks it. It will never work, he'll pretend he's OK with it, but he won't be.

Beelezebub · 02/04/2023 19:06

I think you should end this immediately. I’m firmly in the “it’s controlling” camp. Slippery slope, red flags…. Run a mile

CheekyHobson · 02/04/2023 19:07

I don't think "I'm glad those relationships ended and I would never go within a mile of them again" is triangulating me with them, but your other points, definitely.

If I felt this negatively about someone I wouldn't be in touch with them enough for them to be angling to restart the relationship. Just telling you that other women are interested in him is triangulating, it doesn't matter if he's suggesting he might actually go back to them. It's the suggestion that he's desirable enough that even after being dumped, these women are crawling back.

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 19:08

CheekyHobson · 02/04/2023 19:04

So, while I still don't know the full version of why the relationships broke down, he's definitely not trying to use the competition angle on me; hes adamant he's not getting involved with either again.

And yet he stays in touch with these two exes who he thinks are a) beneath him and b) mean and violent, even though they're apparently delusionally trying to restart their relationships with him.

I don't especially stay in touch with exes who were nice, so why is he keeping these women around? Ego boost, poor boundaries or not giving you the full story, is my guess.

He just received a couple of text messages.

Probably didn't block hobby ex because of shared hobby. She's heavily involved and he does an essential function for them. And she wasn't nasty to him or anything, he just felt they were unsuited.

The other ex, I don't know why he hasn't blocked her. He's incredibly IT illiterate and maybe wasn't bothered either.

To be fair I wouldn't say he's "keeping them around".

However the consensus on the main subject, and some excellent perspectives on it have been a great help; thanks to everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 19:09

If he thinks this, he thinks it. It will never work, he'll pretend he's OK with it, but he won't be

I agree.

OP posts:
Puffinpanic · 02/04/2023 19:10

rainyalan · 02/04/2023 18:15

It's simple walk away now before he gets worse.

This.

He’s explicitly telling you that you are not allowed any more joys, successes or happiness than he is able, or willing, to create in his own life.

Do you really want your life limited by how much of a loser he is?