Bf doesn't go out on his own and seems to think I shouldn't either

[AprilFool23]

Bf (45, me 36) of 3/4 months has made it clear he doesn't go out socially on his own and thinks this is appropriate in a relationship.

He seems to think I should also take this approach.

His main explanation seems to be he thinks it's "unfair" on the other person.

We don't live together obviously but even if we did, I wasn't expecting to not go out socially once inna while on my way own (girls night out, catch up, even potential work social thing).

He says this was the status quo, as such, in his most significant relationship.

I find it all a bit strange. At best lacking independence and boring; at worst controlling (?)

Also "not fair on his gf/partner" for him to go out; sounds like he thinks he'll have a like of ladies flirting, touching him up and trying to take him home lol. He's not unattractive but really .....I don't get the reverse at nearly a decade younger and ok looking.

Is there any chance the death of his previous partner was when she was out on a night out without him? Could he be feeling scared of something happening again?

These behaviours usually stem from fear and insecurity.

Really Bepis?. An extremely unlikely scenario you’ve thought of there given a couple of these people have contacted him.

He is trying to put OP in a cage of his own paranoid making. You ignore or otherwise run with that at your own emotional misery.

Red flags galore re him here.

This relationship needs to be at an end.

There are so many reasons you would be "out" without him. A class, gathering of girlfriends for coffee, quiet glass of wine supporting a friend who needs a chat, work events, hobbies he is not into, catching up with family, cultural events or sports events he is not interested or free to attend.......

What happens if you have DC or a pet who needs company - does the other never get a break either?

There are plenty of times doing any or even most of my list together is fine - but sometimes you want a private chat with a family member or a friend may not want others hearing what you are helping with, etc.

So there should never be an issue with going out while the other partner either stays in or does something else. Yes, doing things together is nice but you can be extremely committed to each other without needing to be joined at the hip.

I'm just throwing out there other possibilities as opposed to automatically jumping to abuse.

What do you make of the vast majority of replies here stating this is abusive behaviour from this man?. Do you think they are incorrect?.

Controlling behaviour like he shows the oP is abusive in nature. This is all about he wanting power and control which is what abuse is all about. If you’re coming up with unlikely scenarios as well to try and explain his behaviour then I would be wondering why. Often the simplest answer is the correct one.

I don't particularly think anything at this point as it's all conjecture. Abuse is a possibility though. I don't believe my suggestion is so far removed from reality, it's good to think outside the box at times.

I have been in a controlling an abusive relationship in the past.

Sorry to read that, I hope you have now fully recovered from those people’s abuses of you. That is all on them, not you. These people can and do erode boundaries .

If you have not already completed it I would suggest you have a look at the Freedom Programme as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I did the freedom programme when I left the relationship and I found it really good. Helped me to see the difference between a healthy relationship and abusive one.

I am happily married now (almost 9 years).

I was just throwing ideas out there regards the OPs situation. It is interesting that this behaviour has only just started (3/4 month mark) which is consistent with abuse.

Even if you applied this very generous reading he’s still unsuitable to date. That would be his own issue to work through rather than bringing another partner into it.

However with the additional of the crazy exes who are violent drunks but he’s still in enough contact that they are both trying to get back together with him, I think it’s clear that’s not really the case.

At the end of the day, whether it’s normal or reasonable or abusive isn’t the key point.

The key point is whether the OP wants to be in a partnership where her partner never goes out without her and dislikes/probably resents it when she goes out without him.

You’re trying to justify what is honestly straight up controlling bastard territory! Every post you’ve made you explain too much and try to empathise with him and see it in a ‘reasonable’ light which makes you such a target for a controlling man.

What he has tried to get you to do is unacceptable and even holding that opinion is a huge red flag. Your reaction and justification is also a red flag. I hope you get out before it’s too late.

It's so far from anything I would accept, it's untrue! I'm a person in my own right, no one would be telling me when I can go out and when I can't !

I find it actually very weird. I'm just trying to imagine it, and I can't.

I did online dating many years ago and was chatting to a man who expressed a similar attitude at the chatting stage.

I blocked him.

This is not something to be tolerated or encouraged.

No - I think that’s the wrong way round. We must have objective boundaries that don’t depend on the consent of a potentially coerced or vulnerable victim.

If behaviour is abusive then the relationship is a nullity. Whether or not the abused partner recognises or objects to the abuse.

This is one of those conversations you need to revisit head on and fast. I'd also be querying why going out alone is not ok but telling a partner updates about 2 ex girlfriends is somehow acceptable.

Sounds like he's testing your boundaries op - at this early stage I'd be moving swiftly on but definitely don't just brush it under the carpet.

Actually, I think it's a fine line. If the OP is genuinely comfortable with not going out without each other, it's not abuse. I wouldn't be okay with that, many people wouldn't be, but some would.

If she feels pressured to agree, then it's coercion and if he actively tries to stop her, it's abuse.

Or fleeces with wolves on?

I think at 36 and 45 you are probably both beyond 'foolish mistakes on a night out' and childish jealousy is usually left behind in teenage years.
He sounds very controlling- you should definitely take this as a massive red flag and run for the hills!

Run. The hills are that way ➡️➡️➡️➡️ 🚩

Sounds a bit Take a Break horror story to me. Yeah throw him back.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Some people just feel that when you're a couple you should do all your socialising as a couple. There's nothing inherently wrong with that if both are in agreement, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's a controlling arsehole, as you say his family seem to follow that pattern so it's natural to him. However it has to be right for both of you. I have friends who are like that and they're extremely happy, no controlling involved, but it wouldn't be for me. Obviously it's not something you want to do, so the question would be is he able/willing to compromise and do you want to give him the chance to.

This is why he was single at 45.

Christ, let this one loose. Dh and I have been married well over a decade and have 2 dc. We both go out on our own and I even go on holiday alone at least once a year leaving they all home while I have a jolly.

He's lying about his exes.