Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf doesn't go out on his own and seems to think I shouldn't either

146 replies

AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:14

Bf (45, me 36) of 3/4 months has made it clear he doesn't go out socially on his own and thinks this is appropriate in a relationship.

He seems to think I should also take this approach.

His main explanation seems to be he thinks it's "unfair" on the other person.

We don't live together obviously but even if we did, I wasn't expecting to not go out socially once inna while on my way own (girls night out, catch up, even potential work social thing).

He says this was the status quo, as such, in his most significant relationship.

I find it all a bit strange. At best lacking independence and boring; at worst controlling (?)

Also "not fair on his gf/partner" for him to go out; sounds like he thinks he'll have a like of ladies flirting, touching him up and trying to take him home lol. He's not unattractive but really .....I don't get the reverse at nearly a decade younger and ok looking.

OP posts:
Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:26

how have you lasted 3/4 months???

He didn't start saying it til recently.

I'm suspecting he was seeing if the relationship had any legs.

Or seeing if I was going to go out on my own regularly/at all.

OP posts:
SnailKite · 02/04/2023 18:27

‘That might be what you do, but it’s not what I do’ should do the job, surely? Why are you entertaining the idea that you have to do it his way?

Pallisers · 02/04/2023 18:28

Honestly, let him go. You can't cure this kind of controlling behaviour. However nice he is otherwise (and let's face it most people have faults and virtues), this is a huge red flag for jealousy, control, lack of trust. He basically wants you to live with no social outlet other than him. Madness. Break up with him.

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:30

Is it just "nights out" at gigs, comedy nights, pubs and nightclubs it applies to?

Yes, that's the impression I get.

Because most people meet their affair or partner through work, hobbies or online.

Very good point.

OP posts:
Thursdayschild7 · 02/04/2023 18:32

It's a hard no. Run don't walk.

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:32

SnailKite · 02/04/2023 18:27

‘That might be what you do, but it’s not what I do’ should do the job, surely? Why are you entertaining the idea that you have to do it his way?

I'm not.

I've already said I see nothing wrong with it and indicated I don't intend to stop socialising separately.

I was wondering if part of it is one of his previous relationships; he saif she was very paranoid, jealous, insecure and used to question him about going out. I wondered if she sit of brain washed him into an unhealthy dynamic of not doing so .... But then he said he didn't in his most significant life relationship so ....

OP posts:
areyousittingontheremote · 02/04/2023 18:34

yup, get away
they start slowly and you wake up years later realising they control every aspect of your life

it’s hell

they will then try to torture you if you leave

your very fortunate to receive this early sign and be able to get away

Iloveacurry · 02/04/2023 18:35

You can do better than this. You know this isn’t right.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/04/2023 18:35

Boyfriend of 3/4 months standing - I'd end it, for the fundamental incompatibility.

He frankly strikes me as a bit controlling - you're not to go out without him, or have friendships that he is not there to oversee. It's a hard 'no' from me.

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:35

He thinks that you shouldn't leave the house without him

It seems to be nights out to bars etc.

(We don't live together at 3ish months in obviously).

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 18:36

No no no!!! Totally wrong and weird and controlling.

Of course you should be able to go out and see your own friends. You are not joined at the hip. That's the sign of a healthy relationship.

piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 18:38

He's 45. Old enough to know about these things.

I don't like the fact he's blaming exes for their failings - they liked drink, they wanted his money - I wonder what their pov would be???

Hillrunning · 02/04/2023 18:38

The idea in itself is concerning but so is making a comparison to a relationship that ended in death. Give me the feeling that he will continually compare your relationship to that one and that's just never going to work. Sounds like he isn't ready to move on.

SurpriseSparDay · 02/04/2023 18:39

It’s the arrogance that is the initial worry. I mean you’re a grown woman and can tell him to piss off if you disagree on any point - but the fact that he thinks, after knowing you just a few weeks, that he has a right to tell you how to live your life, is deeply worrying. According to him you’ve been doing life and relationships wrong your entire adult life. But now he’s here to put you right …

Anyway - great user name, OP, and an entertaining thread. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets hurt.

BurntOutGirl · 02/04/2023 18:40

OP - what are you going to do?

Hillrunning · 02/04/2023 18:40

I can't see how it would ever work anyway? So if I make a friend at work, and want to go for a drink with them, my husband should tag along? What about a shopping trip, or does he jsut apply it to times with alcohol?

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:42

I wasn't going to consider stopping going out on my own for a second; but was not going to end the relationship either.
I thought it might be due to his past experiences, or a different type of relationship/dynamic etc. he was used to, and maybe he just needed to see that I'm ok with two way separate socialising, he's not going to get any hassle from me about it, and that I'm going to do myself.

But the consensus seems to be I should end it, and not see if it can be resolved.

OP posts:
turtlemurtle1982 · 02/04/2023 18:42

Would be a massive red flag for me. Things will only get worse as time goes on. I'd cut my loses (if there are any) and move on.

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:43

piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 18:38

He's 45. Old enough to know about these things.

I don't like the fact he's blaming exes for their failings - they liked drink, they wanted his money - I wonder what their pov would be???

Yes, when you have one side of the story, you have half the story.

I have no way of talking to them, I don't even know anyone they know, and to be fair one of them has a rep for being a bit unstable.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 02/04/2023 18:44

I don't like the fact he's blaming exes for their failings - they liked drink, they wanted his money - I wonder what their pov would be???

That stands out for me. It's all the women's fault for the relationship failing. Yet 3/4 months in, you can see he's controlling OP. I'd be ending the relationship.

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:44

Apparently she wants back with him, somshed probably just attack me (!)

She has been sending him messages trying to get into dialogue about her son being on TV, so he says.

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 02/04/2023 18:46

Why are you even givimg this a second thought? You know the answer.

Original poster
AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:46

He also said the other one messages him asking if he's going to attend an event related to the hobby club they met at. So they both sound like they are interested and maybe he did indeed finish with them. Unless he's lying a out the messages.

But this is all an aside.

OP posts:
SurpriseSparDay · 02/04/2023 18:47

OP, no ‘normal’ man would dream of trying to impose such limitations on their partner. It’s nothing to do with past experiences - he’s an adult in an adult world and he knows damn well that isn’t how other people behave.

So - what did he see in you that made him think you might be sufficiently pliable for him to get away with this toxic crap?

Number24Bus · 02/04/2023 18:47

So what did he say next when you said you wouldn't be doing this?