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Original poster

Bf doesn't go out on his own and seems to think I shouldn't either

146 replies

AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:14

Bf (45, me 36) of 3/4 months has made it clear he doesn't go out socially on his own and thinks this is appropriate in a relationship.

He seems to think I should also take this approach.

His main explanation seems to be he thinks it's "unfair" on the other person.

We don't live together obviously but even if we did, I wasn't expecting to not go out socially once inna while on my way own (girls night out, catch up, even potential work social thing).

He says this was the status quo, as such, in his most significant relationship.

I find it all a bit strange. At best lacking independence and boring; at worst controlling (?)

Also "not fair on his gf/partner" for him to go out; sounds like he thinks he'll have a like of ladies flirting, touching him up and trying to take him home lol. He's not unattractive but really .....I don't get the reverse at nearly a decade younger and ok looking.

OP posts:
ohjeesus · 02/04/2023 19:34

Think you might be dating my ex! He told everyone i was an alcoholic and i was a mean drunk! In truth i didnt stand for his fkn nonsense trying to segregate me and my friends think i escaped some serious domestic violence too, his now wife seems to have a lot of accidents and is always bruised! But she wont listen to me coz im the “nasty jealous drunk” fuck that!!!!

Bananalanacake · 02/04/2023 19:36

I'd be making a point of going out with girlfriends every Friday after work, Zumba every Monday and choir singing every Wednesday, see how he reacts when you talk about your exciting activities. Oh and don't move in with him.

sueelleker · 02/04/2023 19:42

Roussette · 02/04/2023 19:04

Trouble is... if you carry on with him, he'll begrudgingly accept you going out with friends without him. For the first few times. Then he'll start to sulk. Or get angry. Or give you the silent treatment.
If he thinks this, he thinks it. It will never work, he'll pretend he's OK with it, but he won't be.

Or start interrogating you every time you've gone out-where were you/who were you with?

Zanatdy · 02/04/2023 19:53

Oh God no, I’d run a mile. It’s normal in healthy relationships for couples to go out separately. If they don’t trust each other then end the relationship. This is a new relationship for you, I’d be running as fast as that red flag blowing in the gale

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 02/04/2023 19:57

Run. A. Mile. 🚩🚩🚩

KittyAlfred · 02/04/2023 19:59

If you’re not that keen on him I’d end it now.

If you like him, I would say “well that’s not how I do things, in my world partners can go out separately. I like you, but if you have a problem with that, then you need to say now, and we can split up”.

give him the option to change. But be aware that he might not, and then run.

rwalker · 02/04/2023 20:10

Just give him the choice you will not be changing your life or socialising
so it’s up to him if he wants to continue
with relationship
but first sign he has a problem with you going out end it

FinallyHere · 02/04/2023 20:35

He seems to think I should also take this approach.

Fair enough for him to choose to not go out without you.

Definitely not OK to try and dictate you do the same.

This answer is suitable for anything where your don't agree. If he is not on board with that, the
Sooner your dump him and run the better. Yes. Really.

Weekenders · 02/04/2023 20:39

I often find the trigger happy LTB responses on here ludicrous, but not in this case. Get rid.

gerbilcrocus · 02/04/2023 20:44

piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 18:38

He's 45. Old enough to know about these things.

I don't like the fact he's blaming exes for their failings - they liked drink, they wanted his money - I wonder what their pov would be???

I'd turn to drink if my partner stopped me from going out!

gerbilcrocus · 02/04/2023 20:46

Roussette · 02/04/2023 19:04

Trouble is... if you carry on with him, he'll begrudgingly accept you going out with friends without him. For the first few times. Then he'll start to sulk. Or get angry. Or give you the silent treatment.
If he thinks this, he thinks it. It will never work, he'll pretend he's OK with it, but he won't be.

This. You need to LTB.

Cyberworrier · 02/04/2023 20:47

This is very unhealthy. I’m a similar age to you OP and have been seeing someone for 6 months. While we do socialise with friends sometimes, of course we still see friends/socialise separately too! We don’t live together yet. And even when we do, I’m sure we will still want some space as well as shared socialising. You deserve better!

Sandra1984 · 02/04/2023 20:51

Massive red flag. I would run in the opposite direction because this is not the life for me.

Thepossibility · 02/04/2023 20:56

It is a red flag.
You can't be expected to give up your freedom for a partner, no.

Sandra1984 · 02/04/2023 20:57

AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:57

He’s telling you she wants him back so that your begin to worry and start thinking ‘hmm, maybe I should just stay in with him, or he might go back to her’.

To be fair he's said he's not got the slightest notion of ever getting back together with either of them; he found one too heavy drinking and too ....not sure what the word is but she slapped a couple of other men's arses (her brother's friends).in a bar while bantering and stuff like that put him off bigtime, which I don't think is entirely unreasonable. He said she's a bit rough round the edges and not for him.

Likewise with the other, apparently she's a mean drunk, and violent at that. (She's also the one who is supposed to be paranoid, insecure etc.). He said he was not taking any more of that from her, and no chance of ever going back.

So, while I still don't know the full version of why the relationships broke down, he's definitely not trying to use the competition angle on me; hes adamant he's not getting involved with either again.

Of course the relationships failings were all his ex's fault, drunks, insecure, cheaters etc... he doesn't;t like to be held accountable. He also has a thing for picking vulnerable women.

The red flags are piling up.

Mum2jenny · 02/04/2023 20:58

Please do not give up your life for a man you met 3 months ago. Your girlfriends should be able to meet up with you when you want ( and any male friends too!).
Be very careful he doesn’t try to stop any meet ups you normally have.

mumda · 02/04/2023 20:59

This is red bunting with streamers.

2bazookas · 02/04/2023 21:04

Big red flag.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 02/04/2023 21:10

Get rid op. Or it will be your family he isn't happy about you seeing next...

Onthegejdj · 03/04/2023 01:37

AprilFool23 · 02/04/2023 18:57

He’s telling you she wants him back so that your begin to worry and start thinking ‘hmm, maybe I should just stay in with him, or he might go back to her’.

To be fair he's said he's not got the slightest notion of ever getting back together with either of them; he found one too heavy drinking and too ....not sure what the word is but she slapped a couple of other men's arses (her brother's friends).in a bar while bantering and stuff like that put him off bigtime, which I don't think is entirely unreasonable. He said she's a bit rough round the edges and not for him.

Likewise with the other, apparently she's a mean drunk, and violent at that. (She's also the one who is supposed to be paranoid, insecure etc.). He said he was not taking any more of that from her, and no chance of ever going back.

So, while I still don't know the full version of why the relationships broke down, he's definitely not trying to use the competition angle on me; hes adamant he's not getting involved with either again.

If he’s adamant he’s not getting involved with either again, then why is he telling you about them?

I might mention my exes in conversation, but I’ve never, ever had to specify that I won’t be getting back together with them.

Onthegejdj · 03/04/2023 01:40

And I also think that drinks too much will be code for ‘drinks without me’, and rough around the edges will mean ‘won’t do what I tell her and speaks to other men’.

TheCentreSlide · 03/04/2023 01:40

He’s bad news. Which you probably know but don’t want to accept yet.

Monty27 · 03/04/2023 01:46

Have you dumped him yet?

HelloBunny · 03/04/2023 02:00

Met my fella at me 36 / him 45. We both led separate social lives & still do now we’re married. Both out all the time, before we had our son. And now we have a child, it’s actually easier to go out on our own! This would be a deal breaker for me, as we both finally found that we were with somebody who understood each other’s need due independence. I would have remained just me, otherwise.

RedDeath614 · 03/04/2023 04:26

Onthegejdj · 02/04/2023 18:49

He’s telling you she wants him back so that your begin to worry and start thinking ‘hmm, maybe I should just stay in with him, or he might go back to her’.

Honestly OP, this is classic abuser behaviour. I had it done to me, and it took nearly four years to get out of it and go back to living a proper life. Blaming the exes, him promising not to go out and saying I shouldn’t, it’s just the start. It will get worse, and one day you’ll look back and wonder how your world has shrunk since you met him. Get out now and don’t look back.

Two posters on here, this one and @CheekyHobson are bang on the money. But you're dismissing everything they've said, OP.

The fact remains, if his exes are so awful he wouldn't be in touch with them. At all. Period.

Yet here he is planting seeds in your head that they are both "desperate to have him back." Why is he telling you that? Why's he even telling you they texted him? And don't buy the bullshit about "I'm only telling you to be honest with you so you know there's nothing to worry about."

This is classic triangulation and a sign of narcissistic personality disorder, as well as the other stuff you've mentioned including the failed relationships always being the exes fault. Has he ever admitted blame or taken responsibility? No, because he's perfect.

Triangulation works so well because right now your self esteem is high so you dismiss these poster's suggestions as not relevant to you. But by God it is.

Once you have several clear signs of narcissistic personality disorder, like you do here, you purge the abuser from your life. Delete, block, move on. End of story.