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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want to eat after comments

327 replies

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 12:06

2 days ago my partner playfully slapped my bum and said "somebody's bum has got bigger"... I asked if he could please not comment on my weight because it upsets me and he said "well your bum is the size of Beyonces".
I'm a size 8 for context and he's about 3 stone over weight but thinks he's god.
I later said that I was going on a diet and he said "you don't need to diet, you just need to exercise and tone up"...he does no exercise and barely moves from the chair. He's on cholesterol and blood pressure tablets.
I didn't eat apart from dinner and had a chicken breast, brocoli and rice and he commented on my plate "wow that's a lot of food".

I'm feeling so insecure. He doesn't know but I was bulimic for a long time and so I don't like comments about my weight. I now feel that I can't eat.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 31/03/2023 14:51

What the fuck?
You know you deserve better, right?

menopausalbloat · 31/03/2023 14:53

I very much doubt he'd meet somebody else!
Life is way too short to put up with this kind of abuse.
Please seek help and get away from this toxic person.

Reinventinganna · 31/03/2023 14:53

What are you going to do to stop this?
It can’t continue.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 31/03/2023 14:55

"Look in the mirror, sunshine.
That's no Cristiano Ronaldo.
More Ronald McDonald."

Just think this every time he puts you down.

Don't stop looking at yourself in a mirror. You're a size 8...I've never been much smaller than 18, love what you have and what you can give to a deserving partner.

Obviously not the current sofa-hog. Wink Time for a trade-in.

bengalcat · 31/03/2023 14:55

The only weight you need to lose is him

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/03/2023 14:55

You don't need to defend yourself OP, you have done nothing wrong.
He twists every situation to make you feel like the underdog
He has all the power because you feel powerless
Please realise this is a fault of his personality and he enjoys hurting you
Do the freedom programme online and you will see he's there.
You need to get your DC and yourself out ASAP

Travellingwillow · 31/03/2023 14:57

Next time he says something ...just laugh at him ....tell him taking comments from him about weight and exercise is like, boris johnson giving a lecture on truth and transparency. Then get rid of him ...say you got fed up with him being overweight and being pig ignorant.

RogerTheTodger · 31/03/2023 14:57

Ditch the fucker.

longtompot · 31/03/2023 14:59

ZekeZeke · 31/03/2023 12:53

The only weight you need to lose is that 16 stone bully

100% this!

What does HE bring to the table? It doesn't sound like very much.

HanSB · 31/03/2023 15:01

What a horrible nasty man. He's belittling you and wearing away your self-esteem so that you will feel you can't do any better than him. Get rid of this waste of space and hold your head high

JudgeRudy · 31/03/2023 15:01

Feelingworthless1 · 31/03/2023 12:06

2 days ago my partner playfully slapped my bum and said "somebody's bum has got bigger"... I asked if he could please not comment on my weight because it upsets me and he said "well your bum is the size of Beyonces".
I'm a size 8 for context and he's about 3 stone over weight but thinks he's god.
I later said that I was going on a diet and he said "you don't need to diet, you just need to exercise and tone up"...he does no exercise and barely moves from the chair. He's on cholesterol and blood pressure tablets.
I didn't eat apart from dinner and had a chicken breast, brocoli and rice and he commented on my plate "wow that's a lot of food".

I'm feeling so insecure. He doesn't know but I was bulimic for a long time and so I don't like comments about my weight. I now feel that I can't eat.

My first thoughts when I read your opening post was how come you've never mentioned to your partner that you had an ED....then l read on. At best he's a twat, at worst he's a manipulative cruel individual who tries to disguise his disgusting behaviour as teasing. He's also gaslighting you, making this about your 'insecurities and negativity'. Do you notice though when you're in other people's company you feel differently? Thing is, stay much longer and he'll chip away at your self confidence till you're a nervous wreck and will believe what he says.
You may think your OH doesn't know about your previous ED but I guarentee he does know your triggers and he exploits your vulnerability. Whilst your self esteem is low you will continue to be an easy target. Look at ways to increase this. Many NHS Trusts offer CBT through Psychological Wellbeing Teams (IAPTs). Then there's on line programmes like The Freedom Course for about £12....sometimes free with a referral. This relationship is not healthy. Protecf yourself.

Justalittlebitduckling · 31/03/2023 15:03

Wow. Do you not tell him how it is straight back? This is emotional abuse.

Florelei · 31/03/2023 15:03

I’m horrified at what I have just read. Please leave him immediately.

wineNcheeseifYplease · 31/03/2023 15:05

HanSB · 31/03/2023 15:01

What a horrible nasty man. He's belittling you and wearing away your self-esteem so that you will feel you can't do any better than him. Get rid of this waste of space and hold your head high

This. His abuse is deliberately designed to cage you. Hard as it feels, you can free yourself. Good luck with losing 15 stone OP. Best diet ever!

Orangello · 31/03/2023 15:05

The whole what do you bring to the table is straight out of Andrew Tate et al Hustler University where men are taught to treat women like shit as apparently our self esteem is so low we lap that up and spend our lives trying to redeem ourselves.

That. Screamed of Andrew Tate the second I read the post. And men (I use the term loosely here) who believe in that kind of shit simply hate women. Run.

SuffolkUnicorn · 31/03/2023 15:10

He’s talking about himself the fat cunt

SupplyIsLimited · 31/03/2023 15:11

You need to keep telling yourself that his opinion is worthless to you. Just do what you need to do to stop absorbing his toxicity and get away from him as soon as possible.

Try to break the cycle of listening to him and feeling bad about what he says. Whatever he says is meaningless to you. I wouldn't worry about maintaining the moral high ground, but on the other hand, engaging with him is a waste of effort on your part. The goal is to get away from him and stop him from dragging you down every day, because you'll never change him. He's not a good person. He may have some good qualities, because few people are entirely awful, but ultimately he's not a good person, where you're concerned.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 31/03/2023 15:12

First of all what in the racist fuck is wrong with B's ass? I have an ass like her and I am damn proud of it.
Second of all he is an abusive asshole. You deserve better. Leave him. He bring nothing to the table.

MMMarmite · 31/03/2023 15:12

Your confidence will bounce back once you get out of that environment. Don't expose yourself or your DC to this any longer.

Ludo19 · 31/03/2023 15:15

Florelei · 31/03/2023 15:03

I’m horrified at what I have just read. Please leave him immediately.

I feel the same.

Bloody hell OP leave him, if not for your sake but do it for your child(ren)

He's a complete headfuck. You will never please this man as he's a miserable sod to his core.

Gymnopedie · 31/03/2023 15:16

Namechangenoidea · 31/03/2023 14:35

I think you’re being too sensitive to be honest. Why do women want their husbands to lie to them?

Oh look, the mysogynist has arrived.

Americano75 · 31/03/2023 15:18

I'd be buying this and just have it in my hand constantly, seeing how he's so fond of passive aggression.

Don't want to eat after comments
Theeaglesoared · 31/03/2023 15:21

OP please don't allow him to treat you like this. If you don't allow it, he can't do it.

Pinkbonbon · 31/03/2023 15:21

So based on your updates, the practical issues are childcare and pay.

First off you need to look into entitlements you could get whilst single. Eg: discount on council tax if you're the only adult in the home. Child support? I'm not clear, do you have a child with him too or just your ex?

Look into all the pracalities. Make sure the money you earn goes to a private account (not joint). Consider a second, flexable job maybe. Eg: take up cleaning. A couple of hours a week helping someone woth their house could net you an extra 20 quid or more. And chances are they will be flexible as to when you can go.

Or maybe you have a skill you can use to teach? Or you could make things to sell on etsy (if you're arty). Or sell things on eBay that you don't use anymore.

Basically, start padding out your bank balance.

Could your ex take the kids more often?
Could you move closer to family? ( assuming they aren't toxic too, which may be possible considering you are dating someone toxic. It may be all you've known).

Look to downsize as much as possible. Consider cheaper areas to live ect...

Speak with women's aid too. They may offer helpful advice you hadn't considered. Also echo doing the freedom program.

Start taking practical steps. It may make it easier to emotionally break away when you feel more secure with doing so.

Justforlaffs · 31/03/2023 15:24

He's trying to make you feel insecure because you are slim and he's fat.

Why would you stay with someone who goes out of his way to make you feel insecure, and in such a vulgar fashion?

That would massively give me the Ick and I'd immediately dump him. I like men who are secure enough in themselves that they big me up with compliments as they're not worried il get all full of myself and run off with someone else (which, if he saw a psychologist and dissected why he acts like this would probably be his diagnosis)

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