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Original poster

Husband want to see other women if I don’t give him enough sex

94 replies

NatalieMaunders · 30/03/2023 12:09

I have been with my partner for 20 years and we have 5 children together. Our sex life was good until about 10 years ago when I just was so over whelmed with home life ( son became very poorly with schizophrenia) I was also diagnosed with an under active thyroid. Other awful things have happened which will be too long to get in to but I have really gone off sex. I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop, but I feel so so bad after. I’m on medication for anxiety and ptsd and I’m tired quite a lot. Every now and then I give him a cuddle so he knows I do still love him, but he thinks I want to take things further then gets upset if I say no.
so the other day my friend and neighbour invited me over for a take away ( I hardly leave the house) and when I told him, he said good he wished I went out more often so he could go on “Online dating”. I brushed the comment of, but last night I had a heart to heart with him and he said he has thought about cheating on me, and he has explored the online dating apps but has never joined, as well as looking at other women on line, and responding to message requests from other women on messenger.He said if I never give him sex he will look elsewhere. I feel so pressured now, but also I don’t think I trust him. I don’t k ow what to do.

OP posts:
Comii9 · 30/03/2023 21:30

category12 · 30/03/2023 21:25

Why not get your earlier post withdrawn then? You can report your own post and ask for it to be taken down.

Show quote history

I will do. I'm not sure who you think you are ordering others. I didn't read it in OPS first post and I went on to read a lot of the other comments.

Is that good enough for you? I'm not sure why you are on your high horse!

Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 21:34

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category12 · 30/03/2023 21:34

I'm on my high horse because people aren't reading the two posts on this thread the OP has written and are possibly inadvertently feeding into rape apologism on a rape survivor's thread. If anything, I need a bigger horse.

category12 · 30/03/2023 21:36

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Coercive rape yes, and also rape when I was Ill and didn’t have the physical power to stop him.
Try reading the posts. Dear god.

BraveGoldie · 31/03/2023 23:29

Are you ok, OP? I can imagine it must be overwhelming reading all these posts and confronting what is happening. We are here for you. I really hope you feel able to come back and tell us how you are doing.

Goldie xx

OldFan · 01/04/2023 00:34

@NatalieMaunders

A lot of us would be less interested in sex for a while when dealing with a child being severely ill etc.

Then it is no wonder you've gone off sex completely when he's coerced and raped you, a sexual abuse survivor. What did he expect?! It would raise all the trauma to the surface, or have some other very unpleasant effects.

I don't think there's any coming back from that, unless he has a (genuine, permanent) personality transplant. And that's pretty rare.

He would have to become a model of compassion and understanding, to undo the damage he's done to you, and your relationship.

Marblechops · 08/12/2023 06:10

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Marblechops · 08/12/2023 06:12

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Fairylightfurore · 08/12/2023 06:24

If you haven't had sex in 10 years what do you want? A sexless marriage? It sounds like that is a hard no from him. To try and get back into it? If so buy some toys and re familiarise yourself. See if that makes you want contact with your husband. You may find it's just a matter of practice and no pressure. You may find that you don't want to try. If that's the case you need to split up. Some people survive without sex. Your husband has made it clear he's not one of them. He can't make you sleep with him. As other posters have said, that's rape. Likewise though you can't make him stay in a sexless marriage. He has opened up the conversation in a very tactless way with the reference to old but nevertheless wants to have the conversation. You need to decide now what you want to do.

Jonisaysitbest · 08/12/2023 07:29

Some of these replies are unbelievable!

OP, I think it is clear that this man doesn't love you. If he did he would accept that for now sex is not something you can cope with. He would accept that because he loves you and would help you find your way through this difficult time.

With care, love and the right support you may enjoy a physical relationship again but right now you feel pressure from him which is not helping.

I think you need to consider ending this relationship because he is showing you who he is and what his priorities in life are. In a truly loving relationship your happiness and welfare would be a higher priority for him than it appears to be.

You are worth so much more than this and you deserve more.
Let him go and find other people to have sex with, don't stay with him while he does this, it will destroy your self esteem.
Good luck xxx

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 08/12/2023 08:07

He's finally told you the truth. You have to decide whether you would rather be married on his terms or single on yours.

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 08/12/2023 08:09

Apologies. Didn't realise this is a zombie.

EtiennePalmiere · 08/12/2023 08:18

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Take your MRA views elsewhere please, what a disgusting post. Have you missed the bit where he rapes her repeatedly.

Aikko · 08/12/2023 08:21

Awful awful awful.
Some of the replies on this thread are also disgusting.

You need to separate from this marriage. It's over.

Ardith · 08/12/2023 08:37

mummymeister · 30/03/2023 12:50

I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop, You do realise that this is what rape is OP? he wants to have it all doesnt he. the wife at home cooking, cleaning, washing his underwear, doing all the financials and having sex elsewhere. what do you get out of this arrangement? think about it, write it down. honestly you have clearly gone so far down the road of suppression by this monster that you cant even recognise rape. very very worried for you. you need help and you need it now.

Exactly this.

I’m so very sorry OP. No decent man has sex with a woman who doesn’t want it. You’re married to a rapist and you need to quietly start planning how to leave him.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

nhs.uk

Getting help for domestic violence and abuse

Find out about the signs of domestic violence and abuse, and where to get help. Domestic violence and abuse can happen against women and against men, and anyone can be an abuser.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

FrostyFlo · 08/12/2023 08:47

You are replying to a thread from MARCH .
Hope op is ok , but you are unlikely to get replies .

C1N1C · 08/12/2023 08:49

I agree with those saying that if sex is happening without approval/consent, that's abhorrent.

But I disagree that those saying it is coercion by talking about leaving or sex with others. The majority here have agreed that if a relationship is sexless, the one missing sex should leave. In this respect (only), he is simply saying he's not happy and wants to go elsewhere. Yes, it puts pressure on the one not providing sex (man or woman), but it's not coercion, it is their boundary. It is no different than one saying they no longer her wish to travel, or have kids, or a hobby...

category12 · 08/12/2023 13:08

C1N1C · 08/12/2023 08:49

I agree with those saying that if sex is happening without approval/consent, that's abhorrent.

But I disagree that those saying it is coercion by talking about leaving or sex with others. The majority here have agreed that if a relationship is sexless, the one missing sex should leave. In this respect (only), he is simply saying he's not happy and wants to go elsewhere. Yes, it puts pressure on the one not providing sex (man or woman), but it's not coercion, it is their boundary. It is no different than one saying they no longer her wish to travel, or have kids, or a hobby...

Except the op was very clear in her second post that she has been raped by this man when she was too ill to stop him.

Honestly you should look at the crazy language you're using here. Pussy-footing around saying "if sex happening without approval/consent" = that's rape, plain and simple. And it doesn't just "happen" like a change in the weather, it's committed by a perpetrator.

Moser85 · 08/12/2023 15:11

C1N1C · 08/12/2023 08:49

I agree with those saying that if sex is happening without approval/consent, that's abhorrent.

But I disagree that those saying it is coercion by talking about leaving or sex with others. The majority here have agreed that if a relationship is sexless, the one missing sex should leave. In this respect (only), he is simply saying he's not happy and wants to go elsewhere. Yes, it puts pressure on the one not providing sex (man or woman), but it's not coercion, it is their boundary. It is no different than one saying they no longer her wish to travel, or have kids, or a hobby...

It clearly is coercion...and no way would you be telling a daughter/niece etc of yours that it wasn't and that it was just his boundary so why say that to women on the internet?

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