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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband want to see other women if I don’t give him enough sex

94 replies

NatalieMaunders · 30/03/2023 12:09

I have been with my partner for 20 years and we have 5 children together. Our sex life was good until about 10 years ago when I just was so over whelmed with home life ( son became very poorly with schizophrenia) I was also diagnosed with an under active thyroid. Other awful things have happened which will be too long to get in to but I have really gone off sex. I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop, but I feel so so bad after. I’m on medication for anxiety and ptsd and I’m tired quite a lot. Every now and then I give him a cuddle so he knows I do still love him, but he thinks I want to take things further then gets upset if I say no.
so the other day my friend and neighbour invited me over for a take away ( I hardly leave the house) and when I told him, he said good he wished I went out more often so he could go on “Online dating”. I brushed the comment of, but last night I had a heart to heart with him and he said he has thought about cheating on me, and he has explored the online dating apps but has never joined, as well as looking at other women on line, and responding to message requests from other women on messenger.He said if I never give him sex he will look elsewhere. I feel so pressured now, but also I don’t think I trust him. I don’t k ow what to do.

OP posts:
Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 16:22

The husband is not the bad guy in this situation, but neither are you. He wants intimacy in his marriage with his wife, that is completely normal. It doesn't sound like you love him, so you should either agree to an open marriage or separate. You are not wrong to want sex, but he is not wrong to want a marriage with the woman he wants to share intimacy with. It seems you are not at all sexually compatible and the best thing would be to end the marriage so you can both be happy.

areyousittingontheremote · 30/03/2023 16:23

Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 16:22

The husband is not the bad guy in this situation, but neither are you. He wants intimacy in his marriage with his wife, that is completely normal. It doesn't sound like you love him, so you should either agree to an open marriage or separate. You are not wrong to want sex, but he is not wrong to want a marriage with the woman he wants to share intimacy with. It seems you are not at all sexually compatible and the best thing would be to end the marriage so you can both be happy.

Nah. I've been here and when they're having sex with a person who they know doesn't want that sex, they the bad person.

Anycolouryoulike · 30/03/2023 16:25

If he's using threats to get sex elsewhere to try and get you to have sex with him, he's an abuser and you will be better off without him.

Good luck to the next woman who ends up with the scumbag.

Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 16:26

areyousittingontheremote · 30/03/2023 16:23

Nah. I've been here and when they're having sex with a person who they know doesn't want that sex, they the bad person.

Show quote history

Then OP needs to let him go so he can be happy and she can be happy. He clearly isn't getting what he needs out of the relationship and OP isn't getting what she needs out of the relationship either. They're not sexually compatible.

Anycolouryoulike · 30/03/2023 16:29

The OP needs to let him go because he's abusing her.

areyousittingontheremote · 30/03/2023 16:29

Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 16:26

Then OP needs to let him go so he can be happy and she can be happy. He clearly isn't getting what he needs out of the relationship and OP isn't getting what she needs out of the relationship either. They're not sexually compatible.

Show quote history

I get your point yeah, and obviously it's true. This is a really common situation though.
He could also instead of having sex with a frozen wife, be the one to suggest breaking up, but he hasn't, he's chosen to get his needs met at her expense.

It's horrible.

category12 · 30/03/2023 16:31

NatalieMaunders · 30/03/2023 14:43

Firstly thank you so much for those of you who have commented support. It’s hard as everything myself and my daughter have been through would be too much to write. Briefly, I was sexually abused as a child, I told my mother but she told me this can happen within family’s , and “not to tell anyone” or I will never see my family again. I never did until my daughter was molested by a family member (police were informed and said family member was sentenced to 2y & 9m. All this has brought up was happened to me as a child and I have been really struggling as I have to stay strong for my daughter. Coercive tape yes, and also tape when I was Ill and didn’t have the physical power to stop him. My naive self has done what I had to do as a child when I still had to live with my abuser, and that’s to not acknowledge what he’s doing is wrong. I have lost my mother and her side of the family as she has taken my step fathers side so i literally have no one.

I'm so sorry, OP. Of course you've gone off sex when he's a rapist. Please don't be pressured into more unwanted sex and look to exit the relationship safely.

Please speak to Rape Crisis and to Women's Aid. There are ways and means to leave your abuser.

category12 · 30/03/2023 16:35

Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 16:26

Then OP needs to let him go so he can be happy and she can be happy. He clearly isn't getting what he needs out of the relationship and OP isn't getting what she needs out of the relationship either. They're not sexually compatible.

Show quote history

"Let him go"? What utter bollocks - he's responsible for staying in the relationship and for his sexual coercion of OP. He is not being held or made to do anything. He's choosing this and attempting to emotionally blackmail her into more unwanted sex by threatening to go elsewhere. He is no victim in this.

unsync · 30/03/2023 17:29

He's a rapist. Time for him to go. You will probably find that your anxiety goes too. Mine did.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/03/2023 17:32

you need counselling to see if your marriage is viable. You have NO requirement to have sex that you don't want, that's vile, but equally your DH doesn't have to stay in a marriage where you no longer want sex at all

yeah I’d put cards on table
if it can’t be fixed (you probably won’t want to fuck him now anyway ) then onwards

which totally sucks but can’t see a viable solution
wave him off on his tinder dates ?

C8H10N4O2 · 30/03/2023 20:07

Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 16:22

The husband is not the bad guy in this situation, but neither are you. He wants intimacy in his marriage with his wife, that is completely normal. It doesn't sound like you love him, so you should either agree to an open marriage or separate. You are not wrong to want sex, but he is not wrong to want a marriage with the woman he wants to share intimacy with. It seems you are not at all sexually compatible and the best thing would be to end the marriage so you can both be happy.

Did you read the OP? He's a rapist who forces himself on a woman so ill she can't fight him off.

He doesn't want "intimacy with his wife". Intimacy is something people share and consent to.

He doesn't care about his wife's experience or enjoyment - he just wants wants a shag and he is happy to force himself on her in order to get it, irrespective of her feelings or physical state.

OldFan · 30/03/2023 20:32

I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop

If he's doing this then that's rape @NatalieMaunders , or at least sexual coercion.

His saying he'll see other women if you don't let him shag you as often as he wants is also manipulative/coercive.

This is abuse, please separate from him when you feel able.

DiscoDoIly · 30/03/2023 20:47

OP are you posting under your real name?

Comii9 · 30/03/2023 20:49

areyousittingontheremote · 30/03/2023 16:23

Nah. I've been here and when they're having sex with a person who they know doesn't want that sex, they the bad person.

Show quote history

It's always the same on these threads. Posters have really got carried away and typed some things based on assumption.

As far as OP has told us her DH has not previously cheated, yes his wording is clumsy and hurtful but perhaps he is fed up. I'm not been funny but if my friend told me she didn't or hadn't have sex with her husband I would be urging HER TO DO THE LEAVING.

Wanting to have sex is a normal thing I'm not sure why people are asking why he wants it FFS honestly.

YukoandHiro · 30/03/2023 20:50

"I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop, but I feel so so bad after."

He is a rapist. Please find the support you need to leave.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 30/03/2023 20:52

Wanting to have sex is a normal thing I'm not sure why people are asking why he wants it FFS honestly.

No one is asking why, people are pointing out that he has sex with someone who he knows doesn’t want it.
That’s the problem, he’s the problem.

PinkSyCo · 30/03/2023 21:00

God OP you have been, and still are going through so much. Your husband is abusing you sexually and mentally and you need to get him to leave!

Crutcher · 30/03/2023 21:02

Why would it bother you if he had sex elsewhere?

I never really get these kind of people. To me it sounds possessive and controlling. While the wish to be exclusive and some jealousy is natural and healthy in most relationships, that is only as long as the both sides are keeping their part of the deal.

People want to feel that they're enough for their partner, and that the partner gets all their deep emotional and sexual needs met by them. Looking elsewhere, aka cheating, is hurtful because it sends a message of you're not good enough/I don't really fancy you/we aren't actually two halves of a whole.

But surely that only makes sense when you're supplying your partner's needs. Or at the very least when the deficit is temporary and beyond your control. But if you've basically checked out of the sexual part of marriage, why would it even bother you if he found it elsewhere?

Moser85 · 30/03/2023 21:03

Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 16:22

The husband is not the bad guy in this situation, but neither are you. He wants intimacy in his marriage with his wife, that is completely normal. It doesn't sound like you love him, so you should either agree to an open marriage or separate. You are not wrong to want sex, but he is not wrong to want a marriage with the woman he wants to share intimacy with. It seems you are not at all sexually compatible and the best thing would be to end the marriage so you can both be happy.

He's not the bad guy for wanting sex.

He IS the bad guy however for other things, having 'sex' with her when she doesn't want it, not caring how it feels for her, snarky comments about online dating and seeing what other women are out there online, instead of having a conversation with her about whether they can have an open relationship or if they should split up.

It doesn't sound like he loves her either.

And I would bet if she agreed to an open marriage that he thinks it should be open for him only.

category12 · 30/03/2023 21:08

Comii9 · 30/03/2023 20:49

It's always the same on these threads. Posters have really got carried away and typed some things based on assumption.

As far as OP has told us her DH has not previously cheated, yes his wording is clumsy and hurtful but perhaps he is fed up. I'm not been funny but if my friend told me she didn't or hadn't have sex with her husband I would be urging HER TO DO THE LEAVING.

Wanting to have sex is a normal thing I'm not sure why people are asking why he wants it FFS honestly.

Show quote history

Since he has sexually coerced her and raped her while ill, it's lot more than clumsy words. 🙄What the hell is wrong with you?

Comii9 · 30/03/2023 21:15

@category12 I've just read ops update.

Comii9 · 30/03/2023 21:17

CantAskAnyoneElse · 30/03/2023 20:52

Wanting to have sex is a normal thing I'm not sure why people are asking why he wants it FFS honestly.

No one is asking why, people are pointing out that he has sex with someone who he knows doesn’t want it.
That’s the problem, he’s the problem.

Somebody did ask why look back.I have since read OPS update.....

Greenolivetrees · 30/03/2023 21:20

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 30/03/2023 15:48

This man is scum and anyone coming on here saying "well he's entitled to sex" should be removed from MN, disgusting, going way beyond the "handmaiden" attitude.

OP you are being used and abused, what can you do? Do you honestly want to stay with him or are you just frightened of being on your own with 5 kids - how old are they all, are they all his and who owns the house? Does he work? You need to sit down and make a plan. I know you said you have no family to help but do you have a friend in RL?

Nobody is saying that he is entitled to sex^^ with her. But he is entitled to decide that sex is something that he wants and change the relationship status for that. People are allowed to break up for whatever reason, it's fine that he wants sex, it's fine that she doesn't. What isn't fine is coercing her to get sex.

BraveGoldie · 30/03/2023 21:23

Anyone excusing this man please READ the OP's posts. There are only two of them.

It is crystal clear that her husband is raping her - forcing sex on her, including when she is "too Ill to fight him off."

OP, anyone saying any different hasn't read properly or is a total idiot - please don't listen to them.

OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you - and I can only imagine how awful on top of your childhood experiences.

You have every right not to have sex, and your husband making you is absolutely wrong and abusive. No, you don't have to be quiet or put up with it.

I really, really hope you can escape this man. You deserve to be safe and only ever touched if and when you want to.

FlowersFlowers

category12 · 30/03/2023 21:25

Comii9 · 30/03/2023 21:15

@category12 I've just read ops update.

Why not get your earlier post withdrawn then? You can report your own post and ask for it to be taken down.