Husband want to see other women if I don’t give him enough sex

[NatalieMaunders]

I have been with my partner for 20 years and we have 5 children together. Our sex life was good until about 10 years ago when I just was so over whelmed with home life ( son became very poorly with schizophrenia) I was also diagnosed with an under active thyroid. Other awful things have happened which will be too long to get in to but I have really gone off sex. I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop, but I feel so so bad after. I’m on medication for anxiety and ptsd and I’m tired quite a lot. Every now and then I give him a cuddle so he knows I do still love him, but he thinks I want to take things further then gets upset if I say no.
so the other day my friend and neighbour invited me over for a take away ( I hardly leave the house) and when I told him, he said good he wished I went out more often so he could go on “Online dating”. I brushed the comment of, but last night I had a heart to heart with him and he said he has thought about cheating on me, and he has explored the online dating apps but has never joined, as well as looking at other women on line, and responding to message requests from other women on messenger.He said if I never give him sex he will look elsewhere. I feel so pressured now, but also I don’t think I trust him. I don’t k ow what to do.

One of the best things I did was leave my rapist.
My MH improved as much as it could. I was able to get off meds. Have proper help with the ptsd. My physical health improved. Eventually I stopped jumping at my own shadow

Yes it was hard because a man and wife are supposed to have sex and seems attitudes haven’t changed in over 30 years. I was also “cold” towards him as somewhere inside I knew what was happening was wrong. I had to fight the repulsion I felt for him giving that hug knowing where it would lead.

Having an open relationship won’t work for you. Even though he might get it elsewhere he will still carry on raping you. Let him go for yourself. There is no better feeling than going to bed not in fear of wondering if tonight is going to be the night.

Technically, if you are consenting because you know he won't stop either way, it IS still rape.

Although I think op actually meant he would stop harping on about it. Not actually that he wouldn't stop physically.

Though technically that's still arguably coerced sex. Which, is rape.

Though I do think in this case it's a bit of an unnecessarily inflammatory term to use.
Op is kinda going though enough already.

I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop, but I feel so so bad after.
Of course you feel bad. You've been raped. Repeatedly, by the sound of it. Rape and coerced sex make you feel less than human. I know.
he has thought about cheating on me
Fine. Let him think and let him go. Don't stay with him. Start planning your way out right now.
He said if I never give him sex he will look elsewhere.
Yipee! Tell him there is no sex ever again, and mean it. Or for your own safety, don't tell him, just dodge the sex.
I feel so pressured now, but also I don’t think I trust him.
You feel pressured because he is pressuring you. And why would you trust him? He wants to look elsewhere.
I don’t know what to do.
Have a good look online, mumsnet, chump lady, I'm sure people will recommend places, and maybe contact Women's Aid. Make your plan, then when it's all clear and set up, put it into action. You don't have to tell him what's on your mind - in fact, it's safer for you if you don't.

This.

Did you miss the part where she said I let him have his way as he won’t stop.

What part of that is consent?

He is also using manipulation - I give him a hug and he gets upset when I say no. Never mind give me more or I will go elsewhere.

Let's steer away from the sensationalism.
Why don't you want sex anymore OP? Part of a healthy living relationship is a sex life for most people. Have you been to see your GP?

Is thhs where I go, yes it is? And then you go, 'no it isnt' and so on and so fourth. Because I can't be arsed.

Google about and you'll find that coercing sex (via emotional punishment against the person such as sulking until you get sex or threatening to leave the person if they don't sleep with you) is a crime. Consent given in these circumstances is not actually consent - as it is coerced.

Yes, there are lots of nuances around the topic. But that's the gist of it. Whether you agree with it or not.

Don't be ridiculous. She isn't free to say no. That's rape. Coercion maybe, but having been there, I can tell you it's rape.

Firstly thank you so much for those of you who have commented support. It’s hard as everything myself and my daughter have been through would be too much to write. Briefly, I was sexually abused as a child, I told my mother but she told me this can happen within family’s , and “not to tell anyone” or I will never see my family again. I never did until my daughter was molested by a family member (police were informed and said family member was sentenced to 2y & 9m. All this has brought up was happened to me as a child and I have been really struggling as I have to stay strong for my daughter. Coercive tape yes, and also tape when I was Ill and didn’t have the physical power to stop him. My naive self has done what I had to do as a child when I still had to live with my abuser, and that’s to not acknowledge what he’s doing is wrong. I have lost my mother and her side of the family as she has taken my step fathers side so i literally have no one.

You don't need a reason to divorce now.

Unfortunately many of us have been sex dolls for men who think they have a right to our bodies.

I am not interested in sex one bit and haven't been for a few years.

Your husband is particularly vile if he knows you're a sexual abuse survivor and is happy to do the same to you.

I'd weigh up staying with him but I'd be tempted to end the romantic involvement and perhaps live as housemates, coparents, until the youngest leaves home.

Or just split up because he doesn't respect or love you unfortunately if he's willing to put you through that.

It's not as simple as just splitting up when there's children involved so you have to work out a practical solution according to logistics and what's right for your mental health.

@NatalieMaunders its soul destroying when your mum takes your abusers side because she shares a bed with him.

Even though mine has a police record predating mine she still sided with him.

Years later I see it as her loss. And it’s the same for you. She doesn’t get to see the person you are and what you will become. She won’t get the see how great your children are and what they will become.

I know how bloody hard it is going it alone (could be me writing you posts). But honestly in the end it’s really really worth it.

See that big dark cloud always looming over it. It goes. I know it sounds like a cliche but honestly it’s not. It’s not always happiness either but even those days seem lighter than what they currently are.

As well as most of us on here there also woman’s aid that can help.

The Freedom program might also be beneficial for not only you but your dd.

In rl you don’t have to tell people the actual reason. Some are arseholes who will never understand. I found this when I left my exh. I got lucky though, moved away and had a fresh start so just said it didn’t work out.

Oh OP, your update made me want to cry.

You don't have to have sex with anyone that you don't want to. And that includes your husband. The fact that he's persisting under the circumstances (I'm assuming he knows) makes him little more than a sex pest, sorry.

You deserve better than the men you've had in your life

It's not free consent if someone threatens you with sulking/violence/leaving you/other consequences if you don't.

@NatalieMaunders 💐

Not what the OP said - he has still be using her for sex throughout, even when she was ill and to weak to fight him off.

10 years ago was when serious health issues hit the OP as well as a number of other issues.

Apparently "in sickness and in health" doesn't apply to the OP's husband. Men who force themselves on their partners when the partners are ill and too weak to fight them off are not poor deprived souls missing intimacy they are abusive fuckers and should be named as such.

This man is scum and anyone coming on here saying "well he's entitled to sex" should be removed from MN, disgusting, going way beyond the "handmaiden" attitude.

OP you are being used and abused, what can you do? Do you honestly want to stay with him or are you just frightened of being on your own with 5 kids - how old are they all, are they all his and who owns the house? Does he work? You need to sit down and make a plan. I know you said you have no family to help but do you have a friend in RL?

He is the problem in all of this and not you. please believe that. you have had to endure more than most people. Please get away from him and make yourself and your daughter your only priority. people that love you dont force you to have sex when you arent well enough to resist or when you dont want to.

I'd tell him to fuck off and that you want a divorce. He's not only being understanding and supportive, but he's now threatening you which will not be helping your mental state at all. There are men out there who can understand and respect that their wives for whatever reason don't want the same amount of sex. They accept that as they love the person they are married to.

People like your husband are just selfish wankers (literally) who make it all about themselves.

Gosh op I'm so sorry 💞. Can you reach out to a charity for support ? They will hopefully signpost you somewhere to help you.