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Original poster

No birthday sex?

88 replies

Doodles29 · 30/03/2023 06:08

Hi all. Myself and partner have been together for about a year.

Yesterday was my birthday and we had a lovely evening out with my family to celebrate. He was really kind, ordered me flowers to be delivered at my workplace and we are going to the theatre at the weekend.

I drove back to his afterwards and as soon as we get in, he heads to the toilet for a really long time. I lay in bed waiting for him. After a while, he comes back, gets into bed and calls the dog up on the bed. He turns the light off, gives me a hug and tells me how much he loves me and then rolls over to sleep.

I felt sexually frustrated and made a comment along the lines of “I guess my birthday sex will have to wait”. He then explained that I should have initiated something if I wanted it. This erupted into an argument and this morning I feel terrible.

I feel like I ruined a good day, but in that moment I felt annoyed. On his birthday, he made it very clear that birthday sex was a thing. I think it didn’t help that my friends and family were jokingly saying ‘birthday sex night!’ ; and perhaps I set that as an expectation.

I felt upset that I met his needs on his birthday, but he couldn’t meet mine. I said to him that he can sometimes be selfish when it comes to intimacy. For example, expects me to go down on him but won’t do the same for me.

Should I apologise? I feel that my behaviour was ugly but also felt quite unattractive in the moment.

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 30/03/2023 08:37

No @Doodles29 don't do this to yourself. You've addressed the issue, you've even contacted a therapist. This is not a big deal. You're in control.

Saturday will soon come around. Be kind to yourself. You've got this.

PoseyFlump · 30/03/2023 08:38

Not helpful @xfan. Pointless. Just walk on by.

Seeleyboo · 30/03/2023 08:45

Christ. Imagine if this was a man. The moment he said I guess I'm not getting my birthday sex he would have been condemned as a creepy rapist. Grow up OP.

gerbilcrocus · 30/03/2023 08:46

The concept of "birthday sex" implies sex is rare and tends only to happen on special occasions. It sounds like a trope with a middle-aged couple in a 80s sitcom, with the woman gritting her teeth that she had to do her duty, and the man getting all excited at the prospect of his annual shag.

Also, unless the hug was a brisk shoulder-to-shoulder "love you" job, which would have been crap on your birthday (it's pretty crap anyway), then if you were interested in sex wouldn't you naturally have made that clear from the hug... I don't mean grabbing his genitals, but in my experience, a hug where someone is interested in sex has an altogether different dynamic to one that doesn't, simply by how you hold yourself against someone.

Resister · 30/03/2023 08:53

Awww you sound really hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Many of us go a bit nuts on high days and holidays. Xxx

Provenza · 30/03/2023 08:54

Be kind to yourself OP. You read the comments, however difficult they must have been to read, self-reflected on your behaviour and took responsibility for your contribution to the problem. You can’t erase what happened but you are willing to work on changing your unhelpful patterns.
Sometimes past traumas can have a really strong hold on us.
Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend when you meet him. Nothing is lost yet.
I wish you the best of luck x

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2023 08:55

AndiOliversFan · 30/03/2023 07:18

The dinner with your coarse family probably have him the ick.

Yep, would have put me right off

BaconMassive · 30/03/2023 08:58

Sounds like you are providing tits for tat.

WimbyAce · 30/03/2023 09:03

This is all a bit rank. The family talking about birthday sex, wtf!! Maybe he had a bad stomach hence the long toilet session.

BellePeppa · 30/03/2023 09:20

Family talking about birthday sex eew. When it was my birthday I used to say to my oversexed (now ex) no sex tonight as a birthday present to myself 😁

8tjr9jk47h · 30/03/2023 09:23

I think this is a reverse.

PoseyFlump · 30/03/2023 09:24

WimbyAce · 30/03/2023 09:03

This is all a bit rank. The family talking about birthday sex, wtf!! Maybe he had a bad stomach hence the long toilet session.

Read the thread. It was her cousin ffs.

MermaidEyes · 30/03/2023 09:27

Ooh it's my birthday soon. Must remember to get my mum to ring up and remind my husband I need some birthday sex.

IsThePopeCatholic · 30/03/2023 09:30

QuiltedHippo · 30/03/2023 06:25

Your family... went on..about the birthday sex you'd get... that is so odd

That is really creepy and must have been embarrassing for your bf. Your sexual relationship should not be a topic for discussion.

butterfliedtwo · 30/03/2023 09:35

Zipettydooda · 30/03/2023 06:40

The family going on about birthday sex would be a huge turn off. It sounds like you’ve shared your in-joke and details of your sex life with them when it should be just between you and DP.

Absolutely. It's also weird as fuck. And then you behave like a spoilt child on top.

You are entirely unreasonable.

Laurdo · 31/03/2023 11:08

I think the main problem here is that he won't go down on you but expects you to go down on him.

It's also pretty weird that your family and friends discuss your sex life over dinner.

Although no one is entitled to sex ever, even on their birthday I do kind of get the birthday sex thing. I arranged a weekend for my DHs birthday and bought some new toys, new lingerie etc. We have sex mosts night so for his birthday I like to do something a little bit extra and I would 100% initiate it. He'd do the same for me on my birthday. If he didn't I'd think something was up. So I do get where you're coming from, especially if he made it a thing on his birthday.

He sounds quite selfish in that his rules about sex only apply when it benefits him. I'd cut my losses and find someone who is willing to give you what you want and treat you fairly.

Mom2K · 31/03/2023 15:09

*Hang on. He thinks Birthday sex is a thing because he said so when it was his birthday?! Not sure why everyone is coming down on you.

He gets Birthday sex (which he thinks is a thing) but didn't for you?

He gets oral but doesn't do it for you?

Also I note you drove - did he drink?

I sense a theme here....*

This ^^

I'd be asking him though why he expected me to ask or initiate sex on your birthday when he so clearly wanted it for his. By his own admission, birthday sex is a thing. While yes, you could have initiated it if you wanted it OP, the fact that you would have had to start it and it wasn't already on offer (barring some actual reason i.e if he didn't feel well) would have had me irritated.

Yes he may have given you a great day overall but along with what you said about oral, sexually he sounds selfish and I think you'd be justified to he annoyed because he expects things that he doesn't reciprocate.

The passive aggressive comment you made didn't help the situation but I don't think you were entirely in the wrong. I'd be having a talk with him about expectations, both his and yours going forward.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/04/2023 00:29

I think you're giving yourself a hard time OP. Yes you made a shitty comment and acted like a bit of a brat but:

It was out of hurt about feeling rejected, you've owned it and apologised. It's over It sounds like he started the 'birthday sex' thing so it's not actually that unreasonable to assume it was a couples tradition type thing if he made a big thing of it
Him 'expecting' that you do things for him is shit and when its something that he wouldn't ever do to for you...that's really not ok. What would happen if you took a leaf out of his book and refused?

Flashingtealights · 01/04/2023 00:43

When you have arguments you threaten to leave him?
You are annoyed when you don’t get the sex you feel you are entitled to? Nobody is entitled to sex, not him and not you, but I think you get that now. The threatening to leave when you get into a heated argument will eventually end your relationship, because one day he will have had enough and will gradually start to withdraw emotionally to protect himself and before you know it that’s it, hes done.
I think you should be looking very carefully at whether you’re ready to move in together, it really doesn’t look like you are.

Opentooffers · 01/04/2023 01:00

Sorry but you are assuming this is just an issue you have when really being unequal in the bedroom is a big deal. How dare any man refuse oral but expect it in return. Its fine that he doesn't want to do it, but you shouldn't have to reciprocate in that case. Are you sure he expects it of you though, as it doesn't seem like your communication is very good? Are you thinking he probably wants it, or does he actually say he does? A bit like wanting sex and yet not initiating - you should change that about yourself.
I think you know deep down that there are other issues within your relationship, it sounds like you don't argue more because you do what he wants and haven't found your voice. Driving on your Birthday do for a start.
You are not sabotaging something that is good, your inner voice is drawing attension to the problems there are that you have ignored till now.
Why move in together after only a year? Is he pushing the timeline too? After what you've been through, you should be more wary and give it longer to get to know each other. You are just at the, beginning to see cracks, stage. Put the moving in on hold. It takes 2 years to know someone, it's too fast.

Zanatdy · 01/04/2023 01:12

Maybe you could have made a move but sounds like you didn’t get much opportunity. One thing I’ve learned from my most recent relationship (where he’s given me oral every single sex session) is I’m never being in a relationship with someone again who expects me to give them a BJ and not return the favour. Not a chance. Guy I’m seeing loves giving oral! Never known a guy who does before to be honest but I wasn’t complaining

JudgeRudy · 01/04/2023 01:48

I think there's more going on than you realise......and sex is at the heart of it.
Let's start with birthday sex. So l'm going to say that whilst I've not heard of this I kinda get that as the 'birthday girl' (or boy) you were expecting to be made a fuss of and that might lead to him initiating foreplay and being a more 'giving lover'. I also get your disappointment....but you sulked like a mardy arse and spoilt an otherwise great day. You know this and you've tried to make it right.
Your family going on about Birthday Sex is odd. It puts me in mind of the very old fashioned Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink from 60s when sex was seen as naughty. You've been together a year....with presumably no kids. Why wouldn't you be having birthday sex, and Wednesday sex, and kitchen sex, bedtime sex, I live you sex, horny sex, passionate sex or making love sex. That's normal.
Which leads onto the last thing. He's happy for you to give him oral sex but won't return the favour. Is this something you've asked for or initiated. You and your family initially seem to be open about sex but actually your thinking lacks maturity. Are you from a culture where sex is considered either 'naughty' or 'transactional'. I've never been in a (mature) relationship where I can recall giving a BJ for his birthday. Its either something you do or you don't. Sex should be a together thing, not it's my Birthday so service me. I've had a few male partners. They only have a rough idea of what you might like so they need guidance and feedback. They also like to feel desired. How easily you could have turned your evening from great to fantastic just by communicating.
Now is the time to seriously consider if you're ready to live together. Can you talk openly and honestly about your feelings? If not don't move in.

housemaus · 01/04/2023 02:00

I don't mean this to stick the boot in, I mean it kindly, but:

When met with arguments in our relationship, I often get mad or threaten to leave.

This is emotional manipulation, and it's incredibly unfair to your partner. As is sulking over not having sex. I can understand that you've had a tough time, but I think you need to step back from moving in together until you've worked through how to you relate to other people and tackle that fight or flight instinct to behave badly and escalate things - you might not be doing it on purpose but that doesn't mean it's not really damaging to the other person.

Iflyaway · 01/04/2023 02:11

A first world problem 🙄

And here we have someone with an empathy by-pass.......

I would be cringing if during a family dinner someone made a weird out-loud comment about "birthday sex". I'm not surprised he was turned off.

OP, maybe hold up about moving in with him if you are having stress at work too.
Too much stress can lead to burn-out. I've been there.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 01/04/2023 02:22

@wineandcheeseplease

'Wtf is birthday sex?'

You get a balloon with your age on it 'on completion'.
(Actually thinking about it, perhaps that's just in our house 🤔)