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Original poster

No birthday sex?

88 replies

Doodles29 · 30/03/2023 06:08

Hi all. Myself and partner have been together for about a year.

Yesterday was my birthday and we had a lovely evening out with my family to celebrate. He was really kind, ordered me flowers to be delivered at my workplace and we are going to the theatre at the weekend.

I drove back to his afterwards and as soon as we get in, he heads to the toilet for a really long time. I lay in bed waiting for him. After a while, he comes back, gets into bed and calls the dog up on the bed. He turns the light off, gives me a hug and tells me how much he loves me and then rolls over to sleep.

I felt sexually frustrated and made a comment along the lines of “I guess my birthday sex will have to wait”. He then explained that I should have initiated something if I wanted it. This erupted into an argument and this morning I feel terrible.

I feel like I ruined a good day, but in that moment I felt annoyed. On his birthday, he made it very clear that birthday sex was a thing. I think it didn’t help that my friends and family were jokingly saying ‘birthday sex night!’ ; and perhaps I set that as an expectation.

I felt upset that I met his needs on his birthday, but he couldn’t meet mine. I said to him that he can sometimes be selfish when it comes to intimacy. For example, expects me to go down on him but won’t do the same for me.

Should I apologise? I feel that my behaviour was ugly but also felt quite unattractive in the moment.

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 30/03/2023 07:26

The much bigger issue here is that he won't go down on you, why?

MoonbeamsGlittering · 30/03/2023 07:28

@Doodles29 I can see why you were frustrated, if it felt unfair compared with his birthday. Your comment to him sounded sarcastic, which is perhaps understandable, but probably doesn't help you to get what you'd like. Are you happy with your sex life with him in general, or does it need to improve? If he's already selfish after one year then it's not very likely to improve. Perhaps you could apologise for the comment but also try to open up a talk about sex, in a positive "here's what I would like, how about you?" kind of way.

PoseyFlump · 30/03/2023 07:32

I remember when I was young (just about) getting excited at the thought that this is the first birthday/Christmas etc that I've ever had sex on. But it's not a 'thing' surely and you should have given a few early hints that you was looking forward to the end of the day, nudge nudge.

People should only do what they are comfortable with. You need an honest conversation with him. If you're already doubtful, get out sooner rather than later.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/03/2023 07:36

OMG, OP - just try to imagine the roles reversed and how you would have felt if you hadn’t been in the mood for sex on his birthday and he made a passive-aggressive comment like that after you had given him a lovely day and told him you loved him. And all the ‘birthday sex’ comments from your family - just weird as fuck.

If he is selfish in bed then that’s a conversation to be had with him, but don’t use it to try to disguise the fact that your behaviour was unreasonable in that moment.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/03/2023 07:38

Hang on. He thinks Birthday sex is a thing because he said so when it was his birthday?! Not sure why everyone is coming down on you.

He gets Birthday sex (which he thinks is a thing) but didn't for you?

He gets oral but doesn't do it for you?

Also I note you drove - did he drink?

I sense a theme here....

Sparkletastic · 30/03/2023 07:39

He probably had just had a tricky poo and didn't feel like it. Grim that your family jokes about your sex life.

LadyJ2023 · 30/03/2023 07:46

You sound like a spoilt child. I would rather have meanignful sex than on a particular day and weird as heck family n friends discussing it. Secondly your expected to go down erm no your jot you can say no and he doesn't have to back people are allowed there likes and dislikes and not be forced into actions they do not like

CrystalCoco · 30/03/2023 07:50

I think you're getting a hard time about the idea of 'birthday sex'
I remember birthday sex back in the day (when I was very young) and as a PP said, if he made a big thing about birthday sex for his own birthday then it's double standards that he doesn't consider it 'a thing' for your birthday.

If oral sex is one sided as well, then I think you're facing a selfish lover.

OP didn't specify which family members were at the dinner joking about 'birthday sex' - I think there's a big difference if a sister or cousin that you're close to makes this joke, compared to mum/dad/aunt/uncle - I doubt very much that OP was sitting round the table with her parents joking about birthday sex - if I'm wrong then, yes, odd dynamic there.

Happy birthday btw OP 💐

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 07:52

I was struck by this, too. 😆

Ihavekids · 30/03/2023 07:55

It's all a bit tit for tat, isn't it?

I gave you birthday sex, you didn't return the favor.

I gave you head, you didn't return the favor.

I guess if resentment has built up like this then that's why you're annoyed? If that's a real pattern? In other things as well as sex?

But no, no one owes you sex, oral or otherwise, its freely given out of desire. Your sulking over it isn't ok. You initiate, then back off if the other isn't in the mood.

But I'd take a look at why you're feeling all this tit for tat.

Nottodayicant · 30/03/2023 07:56

Perfect28 · 30/03/2023 07:26

The much bigger issue here is that he won't go down on you, why?

Why is this an issue? Maybe he is not into it. Doesn't mean he HAS to do it. Some people don't like oral and that is ok. I don't like giving oral but my husband does. I do other things that make him happy.

The poor guy gave the OP a good birthday, did thoughtful things for her and either got the shits or was not up for sex which is also ok. OP then threw a " I WANT MY BIRTHDAY SEX" tantrum. Imagine if the roles were reversed and he did that, there would be murder here.

notforonesecond · 30/03/2023 07:57

The birthday sex thing is weird.

But any bloke who expects oral but won’t give it to you (if you want it) is a one to throw back.

Hiddenvoice · 30/03/2023 08:00

You said how nice a day you had, that it seems like he really made an effort to celebrate your day. You’re also going to the theatre soon so he clearly cares for you.

If you wanted to have sex then you could have initiated it like he said. Although it may have put him off that your friends and family were chatting away about it. You had expectations due to your friends, not him. You say on his birthday he made it clear, well I’m guessing that you maybe didn’t.

Zola1 · 30/03/2023 08:00

I'd be so upset if I went to all this effort for my partners birthday, told him I loved him and tried to go to sleep and he made an entitled comment about 'where's my birthday sex'. I would probably cringe so hard I turned inside out, but also, it would freak me out all our friends or family talking about the sex we would have that night. Uncomfortable to the max.
If you wanted sex you should have mentioned or initiated. You don't get to just lie there then feel put out that he hasn't jumped all over you.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 30/03/2023 08:03

You're family we're talking about you getting railed when you went out for a meal?? Fucking weird that they said anything at all.

If you want something, ask for it.

Original poster
Doodles29 · 30/03/2023 08:05

Thank you all for your comments. Yes it was one of my cousins who made the joke (my boyfriend was not there at the time).

Interesting how a few people have said ‘tit for tat’. To provide some background, I was in a relationship for 8 years prior to my current boyfriend. We had a home together and everything. My ex started to turn off his feelings and then I found that he cheated on me. Intimacy was at an all time low and I was always giving but there was no take. I then went through a big solicitors battle to walk away with half of the assets and property, which I was entitled to. This process was very traumatic. I saw a therapist at the time but felt like it didn’t help and stopped going.

Maybe part of me hasn’t fully recovered from this and that’s why I value ‘give and take’ and showing intimacy.

I apologised to my boyfriend this morning and I got very tearful. I’m not seeing him now until Saturday, so it’s going to feel really rubbish for the rest of this week.

We are due to move in together in two weeks time, and I think I’ve just panicked, hit the self destruct button and am looking for any faults I can find to protect myself. We rarely argue but over the past two weeks we’ve argued more than we ever have.

I have contacted a therapist this morning for some help to work through these issues.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 30/03/2023 08:05

He won't go down on you, ever? I'd have dumped him for this long ago.

The rest could have been resolved with better communication.

Paperdolly · 30/03/2023 08:15

Awwww. Don’t feel guilty for wanting what you wanted OP. Just make sure both of you communicate and clear the air about your needs ( including the oral sex) BEFORE moving in together. Good luck for your future .

corblimeym8 · 30/03/2023 08:17

Agapornis · 30/03/2023 08:05

He won't go down on you, ever? I'd have dumped him for this long ago.

The rest could have been resolved with better communication.

You're well within your rights if you're not satisfied to dump, probably best.

But I've definitely seen women here say they won't do oral and that's a line. I guess some people really just don't enjoy the taste or find it boring, or whatever.

If someone doesn't want to do it (like your DP, op) then there's little you can do. Insisting on them doing something they don't like isn't going to be enjoyable for anyone. If it's that big a deal that he's selfish, then...

Oh boy, It's been said already but birthday sex sounds cringey as it is without your family brining it up at the dinner table. Fucking hell

Arou · 30/03/2023 08:18

I can empathise with you and I think some posters are being a bit cruel. That emotion is coming from somewhere. I think from your perspective you were feeling beautiful on your birthday and you wanted to feel desired in that way. I think if you’ve had issues with sex before (or a lack of) with a partner birthdays and special occasions can be an extra slap in the face because it’s something you are looking forward to.

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 08:24

For example, expects me to go down on him but won’t do the same for me

I missed this in your OP. This is extremely selfish of him. Extremely. Is he selfish/inconsiderate in other ways?

I don’t think you’re necessarily in a self-destruct, I think you’ve been burnt in the past, and something is perhaps telling you to scrutifnise this relationship closely before moving in together.

Have a good think about him. Are there other issues if you are really honest?

supercali77 · 30/03/2023 08:29

So he won't go down on you, but you do for him. Obvs can't and wouldn't want to force a partner to do something they don't want, but reading between the lines i get the impression you're more generous in bed, he's more selfish? It wouldn't be surprising to feel some resentment about that

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 30/03/2023 08:31

If he is selfish in bed you need to reconsider moving in. Oral sex is a two way thing. Ddog on the bed - who's idea was that? Not sure I could have sex with eyes watching!

Original poster
Doodles29 · 30/03/2023 08:31

Thank you for empathising with me. I understand now that my behaviour was unacceptable and posters are correct that if roles were reversed it would be a different response.

It’s frustrating as when I get down or feel something, I can’t seem to shake it off and ruin things. I constantly feel that people are out to hurt me and I know it’s a fight or flight response. When met with arguments in our relationship, I often get mad or threaten to leave. I feel awful this morning as I ruined what was a lovely day.

I can see how great life can be. Nobody is perfect, but I have a good, hardworking man, great friends and family and a wonderful life ahead. My brain just doesn’t seem to let me try and enjoy it after what has been a challenging few years. To add to that I have quite a stressful job (a teacher).

I am so tearful this morning and am about to teach a class. My mental health is not great right now.

OP posts:
xfan · 30/03/2023 08:37

Doodles29 · 30/03/2023 08:31

Thank you for empathising with me. I understand now that my behaviour was unacceptable and posters are correct that if roles were reversed it would be a different response.

It’s frustrating as when I get down or feel something, I can’t seem to shake it off and ruin things. I constantly feel that people are out to hurt me and I know it’s a fight or flight response. When met with arguments in our relationship, I often get mad or threaten to leave. I feel awful this morning as I ruined what was a lovely day.

I can see how great life can be. Nobody is perfect, but I have a good, hardworking man, great friends and family and a wonderful life ahead. My brain just doesn’t seem to let me try and enjoy it after what has been a challenging few years. To add to that I have quite a stressful job (a teacher).

I am so tearful this morning and am about to teach a class. My mental health is not great right now.

A first world problem 🙄

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