Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

1000 replies

qqq82 · 29/03/2023 07:57

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. Know your worth.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

OP posts:
PinkIdentity · 06/04/2023 13:14

Slothmomma · 06/04/2023 13:07

Got a date tonight. Only matched a couple of nights ago but am kid free so why not - I prefer to meet quickly in case no spark in real life and then no time wasted. Will update

Go Slothy! Mothership rooting for you

Underwaterlife · 06/04/2023 16:00

@Slothmomma yep I've already learned to meet them quickly (shudders thinking of first POF date when I'd messaged for weeks and created false intimacy).

Feeling better as talking to someone nice but also aware that I shouldn't be basing my mood on getting validation from the apps 🤦‍♀️

Menopants · 06/04/2023 16:44

Hello all you were all very nice to me a few months ago when I dipped my toe in the shark infested waters of old. I’m back! I was chatting to a guy which was going well but nothing since Sunday so I write him off?

another guy seems very nice but I have no real interest do you make a polite excuse? I don’t want to be mean

Garysmum · 06/04/2023 16:52

@PinkIdentity I don't know how I would proceed if someone had MH issues. Often this leads to one partner giving support but not having their needs met. I think all relationships are unbalanced for periods of time - people get ill, have stressful periods etc but when its an undefined period with no change/end in sight that makes it harder. If you have been together years that might be slightly different and people really do make sacrifices but in a dating scenario or one without long term commitment, I think it's important to be aware that you don't owe MrEx anything. I'm the kind of person who gives because I like to give even if it's to my detriment.

@VanillaSox I would struggle if someone tried to read things into my texts that I didn't intend. My messages might sometimes be a bit gushy, sometimes brusque but they are not a reflection of my feelings for a person.

@Underwaterlife I think you have done the best thing.

This leads me on to my latest saga with the so-called blocker. Having deleted the convo but not blocked him (too lazy), I then receive another few messages as if nothing had ever happened. To be fair, I am aware blocker does switch his phone off sometimes which looks like being blocked to me.
I enjoy blocker's company sufficiently that I agreed to meet again. Decent open conversation about some aspects was unexpectedly interrupted. Met more of his friends who chatted with me for ages. I am sure he is seeing at least one other person. The trouble is so am I (a few).

I don't ever intend to live with someone full time again. I am happy and independent. I also don't need monogamy. But I do need to know where I stand - I would never date someone and just be a dirty secret. I want to a part of someone's life and they can be a part of mine.

I have followed the advice not to get too invested in people, be open minded and date a few people and play it really cool. And I think it's confused me. I've held back so much, I'm not sure what I think of anybody. Nobody is getting the best of me and I'm not getting the best of them.
I need to move on from this mess. Part of me says ditch everyone and hide. Part of me says ditch blocker and the others I am not sure of, leaving a couple of irons who I don't know well enough to decide about.

There is something about spending time with blocker, which makes it so enjoyable. ( Definitely not just about DTD). As a minimum I want to identify that as that will help me in the future. But the poor plan making (and I'm guilty of that too) along with everything else (including me playing it super cool) has muddied the waters.

So I am not going to initiate contact with blocker and if the plan we made for next week doesn't happen as a result, then I think that tells me enough. Hopefully distance will clarify things on both sides and were anything to continue, a honest conversation is required about both of us seeing other people. It's annoying that the open conversation was interrupted!

NellyTheCake · 06/04/2023 16:58

Menopants
If you haven't heard from him since Sunday then I think you need to write him off. He may resurface. But if someone disappears for days then they've usually found someone new to chat to.

For the other one, I usually send something like 'I've given it some thought and while it's been nice chatting to you, I don't think we're a good match. Good luck with your search"

PinkIdentity · 06/04/2023 18:33

Garysmum…I think you really like Mr Blocker and if he’s seeing other people as you are that might be a problem about being more than a secret. Perhaps there are degrees of friendship with the people he sees, perhaps he’s not willing to be candid to one of them or several. I find that if you are seeing different people there’s always one you like the most. In this case it is Mr Blocker but you have to be prepared to see you might not be his preferred choice either. It’s all quite muddy and it looks like he’s got the rein in your relationship. Perhaps clarify to yourself what kind of relationship you do want with him and have a chat one to one. But first be sure what is it you want.

I have been with Mr Ex almost 8 years now bar those 8-9 months we broke up ( although we kept seeing each other, going for dinner and to the cinema and eventually being intimate again 🙄😱😱😱).

Menopants…looking dodgy with this iron. When someone really likes you…he’s there like a shot . No games

Menopants · 06/04/2023 18:49

Ok thanks! Noted do u unmatch or just leave the chat sitting there? Sorry to be such a fool I am a bit weirded out by the whole thing

PinkIdentity · 06/04/2023 18:59

Menopants, if you really like the guy it is hard to unmatch but it will make sense to move on and do it. Up to you really

Garysmum · 06/04/2023 20:15

@PinkIdentity I think you’re entirely right. Mr blocker is my preferred choice now and I’m absolutely prepared that this may not be the case for him. (I do find it odd to spend time with someone’s friends and acquaintances and clients in this instance when multi-dating). I think it’s wise to see what happens now and not contact.
I’ve multidated before and often my preferred choice changes. Hopefully it will again to someone who prefers me!

I had no idea you’d been with Mr Ex so long. That does change the context for me. I’d find it very hard to just walk away from someone I cared about and would try to support them. I’m impressed that you are so aware that this is not necessarily right for you in the longer run if his mental health doesn’t improve.
As I said I think there are always times when one partner takes and the other gives. But there comes a point when the balance isn’t sustainable. I do hope things work out.

qqq82 · 06/04/2023 20:34

Well although I've kept in touch with my date from Tuesday he's made no moves to meet again and it was me who arranged Tuesday
He seemed pretty keen (a bit overly) but I've learned that means nothing in the dating world when it comes to any longevity

OP posts:
Menopants · 06/04/2023 20:54

I just deleted the bastard App. I don’t know how you all do it. You are warriors!

PinkIdentity · 06/04/2023 20:55

qqq82 · 06/04/2023 20:34

Well although I've kept in touch with my date from Tuesday he's made no moves to meet again and it was me who arranged Tuesday
He seemed pretty keen (a bit overly) but I've learned that means nothing in the dating world when it comes to any longevity

Agree @qqq82 …it really is quite annoying when this happens…it feels they are looking forward to meeting you but… it’s a lot of blah blah 😑 and they can’t be bothered in the end.
I think if people are not willing to meet and plan…pass. If someone is not gagging for it and absolutely into meeting you at the start of dating…it will just get worse with time

qqq82 · 06/04/2023 20:58

I'm not writing him off but I've already decided I'm not rushing into anything after the last 2 disasters

OP posts:
PinkIdentity · 06/04/2023 20:59

Menopants · 06/04/2023 20:54

I just deleted the bastard App. I don’t know how you all do it. You are warriors!

It’s really hard for everyone honestly. We all feel/felt like you at some point..”what if I’m being to hasty?”, “what if there’s a major cause and he cannot contact me?” “Maybe he lost his phone…”…the reality is he’s just not into us and he’s not very bothered 😕

Myfabby · 06/04/2023 22:51

Menopants · 06/04/2023 20:54

I just deleted the bastard App. I don’t know how you all do it. You are warriors!

I deleted the apps so often. I was so so sick of the rubbish meets, flakey communication. I was constantly accepting breadcrumbs, crap behaviour, mediocre communication. I shudder with shame at all of that.

What I will say is that with each ghosting or rejection, my boundaries became so sharp. I became so ruthless, unmatched once I got a whiff of disinterest and I had two measures.

  1. Is this person putting in enough effort?
  2. If I found myself having to justify an iron's behaviour on here, then I knew he wasn't that into me 😂

I think my epiphany came one cold, windy, rainy day where I went on a "walk" as a date zero and this man refused to stop at a costa to shield from the rain/get a coffee. I was SO disgusted with myself that evening for taking all the advice not to appear high maintenance, dumb myself down etc which resulted in being treated that that! I know men can sense our boundaries and anyone who values you- you won't have to guess.

@PinkIdentity Thank you. It was the toughest period of my life and I won't wish it on anyone, I had no choice but to be resilient.

Slothmomma · 07/04/2023 08:20

@Menopants sorry but bastard app made me laugh - we've all been there

@Myfabby you feel about the dreaded "walk" first dates as I did 😄 I don't think I ever did see anyone a second time that I'd done a walk date with. So hard to make eye contact etc when you're looking where you're going etc

@qqq82 I'd write that one off - sounds like he's juggling others - which is fine if he's keeping an interest in you but how hard is it to send a message 🤷‍♀️

Date last night was ok. Better looking in real life I thought. If he wants to do it again I would. He's away now for the bank holiday weekend. So I have a coffee date pencilled in for Sunday afternoon (as long as im not too hungover from Saturday night out with friends) with a new iron. I'm suspicious of this one though and wonder whether he's using upto date pics because if he is he's way out of my league 🤔 he tried matching me on hinge recently and I just thought nah I'm not your type so deleted. Out of interest on bumble I swiped and it instantly matched. He's a gym person which I'm very much not 😄

PinkIdentity · 07/04/2023 08:49

Fabby…I also cringe with some of my old dates…big time embarrassed I went through that. The fact is that there’s no point dumbing down or going out of your way to look low maintenance when you are not. I had one guy telling me I was too posh when he wanted to go to a greasy cafe for brunch after a long park walk ( I didn’t go into greasy cafe and I dumped him , not for the greasy cafe but for the public rant in the street ). I never did a first date walk though…I can’t look at the person and see whether we like each other that way.
I also learnt like you that the guy is NOT THAT INTO YOU if he doesn’t communicate and make firm plans or if you have to make excuses for him. This is a hard one to accept by most of us I think. We should only date if we are first choice and it is evident when we are…the guy can be perfectly civil and we may hope he will contact but you know where you stand

PinkIdentity · 07/04/2023 08:58

Slothy give him a chance. Gym guys not always bothered about how incredibly fit you are. I find most of gym goers ( including me) do it for mental health and well being more than anything. Staying fit is a nice side effect though.
Also quite nice when you have a date you actually like and he was better looking IRL…Hopefully date 2 when he’s back from bank holiday weekend!!

NoDatingForOldMen · 07/04/2023 09:44

PinkIdentity · 07/04/2023 08:49

Fabby…I also cringe with some of my old dates…big time embarrassed I went through that. The fact is that there’s no point dumbing down or going out of your way to look low maintenance when you are not. I had one guy telling me I was too posh when he wanted to go to a greasy cafe for brunch after a long park walk ( I didn’t go into greasy cafe and I dumped him , not for the greasy cafe but for the public rant in the street ). I never did a first date walk though…I can’t look at the person and see whether we like each other that way.
I also learnt like you that the guy is NOT THAT INTO YOU if he doesn’t communicate and make firm plans or if you have to make excuses for him. This is a hard one to accept by most of us I think. We should only date if we are first choice and it is evident when we are…the guy can be perfectly civil and we may hope he will contact but you know where you stand

Again I on the other side of this,
last year matched with someone, nice bit of chit chat, I suggested we meet at Harvester in a hallway town for brunch and she was so negative about It , it was only going to be a 1st meeting ffs.

Bananapants2022 · 07/04/2023 12:15

I've got my first date since disastrous marriage today... wish me luck! He writes great messages.

PinkIdentity · 07/04/2023 13:13

Bananapants2022 · 07/04/2023 12:15

I've got my first date since disastrous marriage today... wish me luck! He writes great messages.

Ooooh best wishes Bananapants!!!
report to the mothership afterwards please!

PinkIdentity · 07/04/2023 13:15

NoDatingForOldMen · 07/04/2023 09:44

Again I on the other side of this,
last year matched with someone, nice bit of chit chat, I suggested we meet at Harvester in a hallway town for brunch and she was so negative about It , it was only going to be a 1st meeting ffs.

Each to their own really. It’s good to assess you are mildly compatible at least. There was someone here who went for walks with her date all the time and he made special bakes for her and was absolutely lovely. We all like and enjoy different things!

NellyTheCake · 07/04/2023 13:45

I've had first dates in Costa, Cafe Nero & Starbucks 😄
Also in some nice independent coffee shops.
I've had a 1st date sitting apart on a park bench (just after lockdown).
Only done a walk for a 1st date once.
And a drink in various pubs of course.

Never done a meal or anything more elaborate for a first date. I see it as meeting someone for the first time to make sure they look like their photos and if we get on well enough to meet again.

If I'm keen and he's keen then there shouldn't be any issue about where we meet and making better plans for the second date.

humblemeep · 07/04/2023 13:47

My last first date was in an independent coffee shop, followed by a walk and a meal 😂

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 07/04/2023 15:19

Bananapants2022 · 07/04/2023 12:15

I've got my first date since disastrous marriage today... wish me luck! He writes great messages.

Good luck! Hope it goes well ❤️

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread