Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@PinkIdentity no no, I’m a different person !

Can I join please?Am fairly new to OLD and am already not sure I'm cut out for it! Went on one date and didn't fancy him at first but continued chatting as he was interesting. He was up for FWB and it had been a long time for me (years!) since intimacy so I decided to give it a go. Now I feel like I really like him (I know it's probably the oxytocin talking and the reminder of what it's like to be held by someone etc). And he has backed off! Meanwhile I'm not having much luck on Tinder, Hinge, POF or Bumble and just feel so low and unwanted. How on earth do you grow the thick skin needed to do this?!

Underwaterlife

it’s the oxytocin ! And the intimacy after so long
bit also not everyone is cut out for FWB

i thought I was , turned out I wasn’t

you have to do what we all do and pause /freeze profiles time to time

also 4 apps ! That’s way too many for me

i tend to use one at a time and regularly freeze whilst I’m talking

ps the FWB will likely resurface again
when he wants sex
bit you liking him will scare him

Thank you. I felt so great for getting back in the saddle but then crashed hard! I was going to reach out to him but won't. I'm definitely not cut out for FWB right now... keep wondering why I'm good enough to have sex with but not for anything more including longer term FWB. He's apparently looking for his soul mate but happy with FWB in the meantime ...how can you tell after 1 meet that someone is t your "soul mate"? Thing is, he was so tender and sweet that night and that's what had got under my skin. How can you be like that with someone them not want to see the again?

I have deleted POF now so will just focus on Bumble and Hinge. I hate this!

@Underwaterlife …sorry to hear you are feeling down. I find FWB an almost impossible exercise to execute successfully. The fact is we want to be loved and to be with someone who has our back when we need them. I find it specially difficult when guys just want FWB while they search for “the one”. I think we women probably date a lot of guys while searching for “the one” but we don’t engage so much on FWB and one night stands…
The important thing is for you to know what you want and try to stick with what makes you happy and fulfilled and not give in on stuff that might make you really unhappy. Keep dating and see how that goes… I believe this is a numbers game…until you find a bloke you fancy who is in the right headspace to build something with you 😘

@PinkIdentity thank you so much for your kind words. I've been a tearful mess today and that really helps. I probably just need to cut him off rather than waiting to hear if he wants to hook up again.

Underwaterlife

some guys basically want sex but are (for many reasons )emotionally unavailable for a more committed relationship

it’s nothing personal , but deeply hurtful !

so knowing that all we can do is get clear on our boundaries
and forgive ourselves when we drop them 🥴

Sorry you're feeling so messed up about it, but believe me - it's normal!

To deal with the early stages of OLD I learnt (from this thread) that it's good to view it as a learning process: you're learning about yourself entering intimate relationships again, and you're learning about what is out there. I slept with five different men during OLD before I found my one, and I realised that - in their 50s - there are plenty of men who are (a) very good at intimacy, including being loving and tender and (b) very bad at processing whatever loneliness, pain and disappointment has brought them to their current situation, so they're just 'stuck'. It's not that you're 'good enough to have sex with but not for anything more including longer term FWB', it's that all he has to offer is what you got. Learn from it and move on.

And definitely don't let him back in if he comes crawling back for more intimacy, unless you think going through this crash is worth doing again because the sex was good (been there, done that!)

I tend to wear, decent jeans, dress shirt cuffs turned up, dress watch, small amount of cologne

lady last night had on a flowery dress ( very nice), several jangly bracelets that were quite distracting everytime she moved and quite a strong perfume ( bit too much really for me)

I am finding it very very tough with MrEx…😢… I feel friendship growing and I feel less willing to plan my life with him. I’ve had DD with me these days so we just went out at least and saw each other out there which I really needed. I didn’t feel I was missing out on sex either because he was not right emotionally. I feel terribly sad but I get kids now for 2 full weeks before getting a week on my own and see him for a full week. He’s losing me but in the state he’s in mentally I don’t know he realises. I am going to give him time but to me this summer might well be the time when I can no longer go on. Being with someone who is this fragile and up and down plays in your MH too.
I am coasting and having lovely moments here and there but this is unsustainable in the long run. There is no hurry and I don’t feel like dating anyone else so that’s good 😊

@Bowbowbo …spot on

b) very bad at processing whatever loneliness, pain and disappointment has brought them to their current situation, so they're just 'stuck'.

To a certain degree this happens to a lot of people as they get to their 50s…I found a lovely tender emotionally open in my current man those years ago …he was dashing and always planned lovely things…but he’s always chasing for things that don’t happen or take longer to happen, disappointments, things go wrong and he feels awful about it…etc. Being unhappy can become addictive. And I am trying my best not to get contagion.
Worsy said once she didn’t want to date someone with depression and I didn’t either…until it happened. We broke up because he was very unwell then…8 months of OLD for me…hooked up, went back together for an encore and now I feel like this is a right of passage before it all ends somehow.
I have never been without a man…first husband and the strict to Mr Ex… perhaps I need a bit of time to myself in summer with no dating no guys just cool down period

@Thisisworsethananticpated and @Bowbowbo thank you so much. That really does help. I'm certainly glad I've taken the first brave step and also thrilled I lost half a stone in a week with the anxiety of it all 😆. I'll do my best to learn from your collective wisdom. Xx

Bowbowbo

you nailed it !!!

im feeling shocked as my best friend just called me
her husband caught her kissing another man (also married )

puts my woes into an appropriate place
🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴

PinkIdentity

i may have said that but I ended up with anxious avoidant silent cave man

who has not replied to a single text since I lost my shit when I saw him online

anyway , keep processing . I think you have good days and bad days with Ex and your figuring this out

as my therapist said if you stay - your sad and if you leave - your sad 🤷‍♀️

PinkIdentity

i did have a man free period but it was covid times and I wasn’t in best place and then the minute I felt ok I started dating

I’m also keen to try happily single and see how it goes phase

I have date #10 this evening. I'm taking bets on whether he looks like his photos or not.

So far 7 of my dates haven't looked like their years out of date photos.

I have an occasional fwb. He's knows I'm looking for 'the one'. No idea what he is looking for. I don't think he knows himself. We meet about once a month, unless either of us is seeing someone (1st dates don't count). We have a lot in common so often enough up spending a couple of hours just chatting.
It works for us. I couldn't be in a relationship with him.

The women I had the 1st date with last night had professionally done photos (very good), but she did admit they were over 5 years old, bit cheeky I thought

I actually spent three full years completely man-free after the end of my marriage, it simply didn't occur to me to pursue another relationship in that time. Then I heard that XH had a girlfriend and I thought 'ooo, sex, I remember that!' and proceeded to go crazy in the sweetshop! 😂

@PinkIdentity 'Being unhappy can become addictive' you're so right. I really hope for his sake that Mr Ex can sort himself out - but you need to do a good job of making sure that he doesn't drag you down with him in the meantime

Thanks Worsy and Bowbo 😘😘😘. I feel good reading your posts !!

Worsy… your girlfriend 😱😱😱… she’s lucky to have you to discharge drama

Nelly go you! Curiosity… why would you not date your FWB?? you don’t fancy him??
bring on date #10 and let’s hope he looks like pics !!

Being unhappy can become addictive.

It's all the hallmarks of a mid life crisis. Men struggle more in particular especially those that have always seen their success/wealth/libido as their identity and the realisation you are ageing, children are older, possibly peaked at career and for some, sex isn't the same.

I work with many men aged 45-50's and I see it so often. They are so strung up about men in their late 30's/early 40's trying to make partner, and often make disparaging comments about them. And they are obsessed with hair loss! Moaning about how things could have been, and trying to outdo each other with cycling, next holiday etc.

Spot on as usual Fabby. Mr Ex has aged LOADS in the last 2 years. He’s been a beautiful man to look at with a top job… now he’s looking behind his back as younger people want to be partner and he feels threatened…his job is not that secure … those partners who had his back earned a lot more and retiring at 50, 51…
I feel fortunate really but I don’t feel I need to prove anything and my career is made. I love seeing young people finding their feet and do not envy them one bit 😊
I just want to have more fun and less drama !!!

Fabby , are you dating anyone now?? Or just browsing??

Really interesting about the 50s men!
I hadn't really thought about it but makes perfect sense. Mr Wozfunnest was successful in an industry that is full of young ambitious people and which suffered catastrophically in Lockdown when his career stake and he is finding it tough to get back into -he has very demanding contracts and finding it out very stressful juggling them as well as his kids. He has also told me he is just generally very v insecure and is always watchful of syntax that might suggest I am dumpling him.
I do give massive amounts of support and understanding but it is still really dispiriting when he goes into his cave and disappears. (Now more that two weeks of non- communication).
I am actually now wondering if it is because he was upset that my last two messages did not end with kisses. Wish I could post the exchange for people's views but potentially outing.

PinkIdentity
Yes, I fancy my fwb. Otherwise it wouldn't work for me.
But he is scared of commitment. Doesn't want to lose his independence, freedom to come and go as he pleases.

I've known him for 7yrs and seen him date women for 3 or 4 months then panic and end it.

He's just turned 50. Never had a relationship longer than 5yrs.

I have joked that if we're still doing it by the time he's 60 then we should settle down & get married. The look of panic is priceless.

It's shame because he is a lovely person and very hot!

NoDatingForOldMen
Would you have known her photos were 5yrs old if she hadn't said anything?

It's been very obvious with the men I've met. And very off putting. Different body shape, a lot less hair, different colour hair, much older looking face.