Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Nelly…if this works for you right now, it’s fine. Just talk to him. Perhaps later on he can take more time. But a stolen hour here or there is good if you both are in for a relationship I think. Perhaps later on kids are settled and you can have more time together???
But I do agree. Better a guy with kids and super busy than a confirmed bachelor with no responsibilities but his own self in my opinion. We should not discard people just because they are selfless and great parents. That speaks volumes about who they are. I like your Mr?(what do you call him here?)

@PinkIdentity you speak wise words and it sounds like it was tough with your ex.

I will say he has had therapy and is still having some .... which is great. I was worried he maybe has latched on to me as I was the first to come along that he could divulge all this stuff to. But he has had other offers apparently. I don't know. We shall see. Maybe it is all a bit intense but I shall try to read carefully. Not going to introduce home to my kids or anything like that for ages.

@NellyTheCake

unfortunately that’s par for the course when dating a single parent male or female, the woman I have had a few dates with, doesn’t really have the availability to date, ( daughter has learning difficulties, cannot be left for long) I feel sorry for her as she wants some adult company , but already I know it’s not properly going to work for me.

That's a shame. I assume you like her and want to spend more time with her.

I found it tough when I first started OLD because I'd be turned down for dates when the men found out I still had kids at home.
So I completely understand the need for your own time and adult company. But it's so difficult trying to juggle that with everything your children need.

As I only met Mr Selfie a week ago, I appreciate that he has made the effort to try and see me as much as he can without disrupting his children.

Going forward, how do you tell them that someone else will be taking them to an activity? It's not easy. I never told my kids I was going on dates. I just always had a lot of meetings/visits to friends etc.

A quick coffee here and there is ok for now. I'm not in a rush. Slow dating for now.
But I think I need to talk to him this week to see if there is any possibility of a bit more time occasionally.

NoDatingForOldMen

It’s a pity (understatement) that her DD has sen and can’t be left at that age

it’s easy to say but dating parents do have to make some sacrifices 🤷‍♀️

be it a babysitter , a Deliveroo , a bribe to stay home and not fight
and making some boundaries and having their own life

its also early days for you both
sounds like she might need to grow some wings and leave that nest … can you get to know Her and suss it out better ?

Same for you NellyTheCake- and it sounds like he’s keen !! But also needs to find his wings a bit

Can I just ask how are you all even getting dates?! I feel like I’m good enough to talk to on the apps, they even suggest meeting etc but then when the time comes to meet I don’t hear any more!! is it just me?! Xx

Hello, have not been on the thread for a while, my MrS just stopped responding to WhatsApp then after 17 hours texted me to ask me to leave him alone. After four days I liked a Facebook post of his and he blocked me on Facebook and WhatsApp. All this after 7 months of exclusive dating.
I was so sad and shocked.
Really disappointed with myself as advice on here was to ditch him because of red flags but I convinced myself all would be ok.
I will be working on my self esteem and diet/exercise before trying OLD.

@Ihaveateenager wow, after 7 months that is brutal and really crap behaviour on his part. And no explanation at all? What were the red flags?

@Tiredmum8 I've only met up with two men and both were from Tinder. I messaged first both times. 1st guy asked to meet the next day. Second guy, I suggested a walk. I've now had 4 dates with him.

@Ihaveateenager that's appalling behaviour. Am really sorry. Must feel awful but you've dodged a bullet.

Ihaveateenager

I’m so sorry . It’s the act of a coward who can’t have an honest difficult conversation

what were the red flags 🚩?
anyway I’m sure you feel shit right now so sending lots of self care your way

@Ihaveateenager I can't remember your backstory but I'm sorry this happened to you. I'd say one key thing I learnt from here was the things you tolerate/ignore, tend to be what breaks you up later on. I'm sure you'll be more aware of the red flags in your next relationship. Don't rush into anything, just focus on yourself.

Such wise advise. We put up with red flags and we should not. Let’s trust our gut ladies. If it feels wrong at the beginning…it’s wrong 😑

@Ihaveateenager …I’m so very sorry you’ve been treated like that after 7 months… I don’t remember either what the red flags were but we all
learn form these things. Best of luck with your next dates

@Mapleunicorn
@Underwaterlife
@Thisisworsethananticpated
@LostidentityM
@PinkIdentity
Thank you so much for your messages of support and encouragement.
The red flags were he never took photos of me or us. He told me he was divorced (Facebook profile also says divorced) but after 5 months he told me actually he was still married and didn’t want a divorce or to remarry just wanted to live together with me (eventually). He re-posted photos of his wife and wedding on Facebook whilst I was dating him (about two months after meeting him). I have since discovered since he blocked me that he has several old Facebook profiles, one for each time he was in a marriage or relationship all have photos of him and the woman he was with at the time, so I just find it really odd he never took a photo of me the entire 7 months.
I will be so careful next time…

Forgot to say, yes there was no explanation at all…

So you are going through this.
Such good advice re the things you ignore or tolerate are the things that will break you up.
I can totally relate to how you feel about the brutality. Xxx

No explanation here either.
6 weeks of no communication from MrWozfunnest.
I know he was involved in a hobby event yesterday / he is an instructor for that event (not his job) and was planned a while ahead so he would have had to do it. I would normally have been involved but did not sign up for it.
Yes people will think I should have contacted him to ask what on earth is going on but after a week of nothing then another week and then another it was just too painful do we now in the ridiculous situation of being likely to run into each other with total awkwardness.
I can't avoid the club forever and in fact there is an all day coronation party next Saturday I have signed up for.
Just an awful mess.
If I get involved with anyone else will insist on proper Comms from the outset - I tolerated the unsatisfactory Comms which always made me feel insecure and just feel so stupid.

I mean so sorry you are going through this! Xxx

Red flags I ignored/tolerated that I never will in a relationship again should I have one:
Lack of communication between meetings
Lateness
Not wanting to commit to plans ahead
Cancelled/changed arrangements that caused me significant logistical issues re hobby
Stinginess with money but bought lots of expensive items for himself
Very thin skinned - always reading into things I said that I was finishing with him.
Severe insecurity and lack of confidence around sex - felt like I was pestering him for it - he clearly did desire me but was just pathologically nervous
Basically it was self/centred and selfish behaviour.
I tolerated it because we did have so much fun together doing lots of things and he was spontaneous and adventurous and very cuddly in bed - would cling to me all night. He is also drop dead gorgeous with a great body 😁
We looked great together - people literally came up to us in pubs and once on the Tube to tell us we looked so good together and asked us long we had been married/told us we should get married (as recently as our last meeting 8! weeks ago...
He was used to failure - very high flying and pressured jobs and told me he had always been sacked from them hence when he got new contracts three times in the 18 Months we were together he went into a cave when starting a new contract.
I wonder if anyone else on here knows him 😁
Sorry for the essay - feeling down tonight.
Hope everyone else is having a better weekend!

@VanillaSox Thank you. Sorry you too have a similar situation with the non explanation and no communication, it really hurts…
I couldn’t eat for three days and am absolutely broken hearted. I thought everything was going well, we never argued, we were always happy and enjoyed each others company, no stinginess, no lateness, he always planned ahead, hardly ever cancelled dates and only due to illness or genuine reasons, he liked my family, we were making future plans. 💔 I thought it was going to be long term and he said it would be…I genuinely do not know why it ended. 😢

I found chatting is easy, getting dates is not, more recently I have let the woman suggest a meeting, as so few seem to want to meet

@VanillaSox so that kind of man sounds like a mess who would completely stress me out with the lack of comms. If he's being sacked all the time, again, no stability there. He sounds very emotionally unavailable.

@Ihaveateenager yours sounds like he was always in another relationship, be it with his wife or someone else. The speed at which he blocked you tells me he's been at risk of being found out. Im not saying be with someone who tells the world you are together but at least things should be somewhat open to others. You deserve to not be hidden away.

@Ihaveateenager you're v welcome. Take care of yourself and keeps this list of his crapness for the tough days.

Interesting list of red flags and i recognise some from my ex. The severe insecurities around sex was an issue throughout our marriage and my patience eventually ran out and my desire just went away. Hope you're ok.