Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Suppose it depends on how many dates you're going on per week. Fuel bills can add up.😂
Although raising an eyebrow over water is stingy.😂

Tbh, I'd get on a flight to go see Ms.Estonia. A bit of an adventure.

VanillaSox

interesting that as time abates with ‘him’ you are seeing these things (mean w money and selfish )

my first dates tend to be a coffee or a drink
who pays is a minefield and I’m not even going there !!!

Harrypewter

interesting vis a vis ms russia expecting subsidising ! How did that manifest ?
onwards

Bumbeebeebum

he raised his eyebrows at a bill for a drink and a water
then delayed getting his card out
that’s tight !!

We only went on 2 dates. I paid for both. She did bring up customs from her country. I listen and appreciated it.
But going forwards I just thought I'd rather someone offer, normally it's quid pro quo. I'd travel to Estonia, but that would be like a mini break so slightly different.

The entire who pays thing is a nightmare, if invite someone out I expect to pay, but when it’s date 0 / date 1 and the women simply sits there and makes absolutely no effort and expects the man to pay for no other reason than he is a “he”, that really pisses me off.

Vanilla. It’s important to see things with perspective. Perhaps the fact he had no other meaningful relationships than what you describe points to aspergers or something in the spectrum of ND. In that case his cave times and lack of comms come into play .
I can’t imagine being in love with someone stingy or who spends more in himself to be honest but it can all be related to this possible ND???
i still don’t understand how can anyone go no contact for 5 weeks without an explanation.
Maybe he’s too worried about confronting you and time just went along???
I am not sure what to think??. I’ve followed your story here and it was always a bit about lack of attention or empathy on his part.
I hope you can sit with him and have a conversation anyway

I have never paid on a first date 😳… or second either … normally the gent picked the venue or the resto and I was never offered the bill to pay. Maybe it’s a different generation as I’m post mid 40? But I would’ve been livid about dating a guy who worries about picking the tab when you had water!!! It’s so wrong 😑

I’ve had a couple of hard but sweet days with Mr Ex. I had no idea therapy was so hard either. I thought it was more feel good but no. He’s destroyed after every appointment and tells me how hard it is but it’s a process and he feels he’s moving forward.
He’s also having to move place urgently as he still has not taken a decision on which place to buy. Work also belly up… So it’s mayhem in his daily life. He’s fed up with himself and fed up of presenting me his worst face. I made a lovely dinner at home yesterday and he was very stressed when he arrived and shouted at me.
He was very distraught and cried a lot but ge also hates for me to see him like this.
He needs a few weeks to sort himself out and I think I’ve had too much
I have to travel for work and have a busy May. I know he loves me very much but I want a bit of peace this month too. I don’t intend to leave my relationship but I told him I need a few weeks of peace. Bad news from him non stop are starting to affect my well being and he knows it’s too much
We love each other dearly. But I need a semblance of the man he was and he needs to rebuild himself a bit
He spent the night awake holding me and crying. Very sad 😞. But I’m an optimistic person and hope therapy and sorting his immediate woes will help him

So you have set your dating filter to eastern countries??? You are chatting someone who is in Estonia 😊… definitely you will end up dating an EE lady 😊

@Bumbeebeebum that makes it all much worse IMO. Men like this, i think, who are tight with money, are tight with everything else ie time, making an effort etc and they end up letting you do all the work. Im not saying he pays all the time but this was his chance to show you his good side/make an effort when actually he sounds like a prat. He could have taken you to Costa and bought you a drink and chatted. Even that small gesture would have been nice. Instead he's left a bad taste.

Id have expected him to insist on paying then id insist the next time. Not him dither about it all and letting you pay.

Again, i say this as someone who always has paid/gone halves at the start but i've seen enough to know it doesnt go anywhere as a result.

It’s more about attitude and outlook than generation I think,

I hate the attitude that some women have that men should pay for everything just because they are men, that is so wrong

I know Howlongy … it’s not right for the woman to expect the guy to pay… it’s just been that way for the time I dated. Mr Ex pays and paid absolutely everything since we met. So I never had to think who pays what and had no idea it was an issue in OLD

@NoDatingForOldMen there's a happy medium though, and it's being polite I would say.

Hey, I’m going to join in if that’s okay. Background - single for 18 months after separating from my 17 year relationship that I had been in since I was 20. Went massively off the rails and racked up my body count significantly with zero respect for myself. Now want to date properly. Currently just done date 4 with someone 11 years younger than me 🥲

@LostidentityM
yes I agree, it’s all about attitude and effort, the money is irrelevant really.

in my book if a woman makes no effort to pay on date 0/1 I think that displays a poor attitude & this is this the most polite that person is ever going to be

but it’s such a “how long is a piece of string “ issue, if the date goes really well and it’s obvious there is going to be another date, then who pays is irrelevant, but if the date is “okay”, and the other person makes no effort or attempt to pay then that’s where is really shows

@Teapiggle welcome! Did the date go well?

I still haven’t plucked up the courage to start yet!

Don’t worry about body counts after a long relationship. These happens a lot to many of us!. What’s important is that you feel more centered and know a bit more what you want. The age difference when you are in your 30s is totally fine too. I think the problem with dating younger men strikes when your fertility goes haywire as a younger man might want to have kid/s .
Enjoy date 4 and I hope you are on to a lovely adventure

@PinkIdentity I’m not criticising you at all, if MrEx pays for everything then that’s brilliant, but I have been on the other side of that and have had women arrive with the “You’re the man so you pay “ attitude and that really stinks

I understand Howlongy … I think it must be really frustrating being on a date with someone you don’t like and who isn’t making any effort and having to pay on top of that. Best thing is to go for just a drink or a coffee or tea on date 1. Saying that… when I was OLD normally it was dinner which I know it’s unusual too. And I really enjoyed most of my first dates. I think only one date was drinks

PinkIdentity

sounds like it’s been hard work . I’m also handling a major mental health breakdown issue at home (not me ) . It’s heavy shit

you are right to be present supportive and back off , as a struggle to lean in and I’m a parent so have to !!

I’m so sorry Worsy. It must be really difficult with your DS. Teens already have a lot going on so it must be really frustrating. I think it’s the right thing to leave him time to at least find where to live! With extremely busy job he needs to decide whether it’s feasible he’s buying in a few weeks or not. If he isn’t ( and I suspect he will not)… he needs a proper contract and rent until buying. All this is happening while he’s suffering this “detachment “ from everyone and every thing. Like the joy and illusion is gone.
I am a super optimistic person so I really want time and therapy to run its course

mila - He should probably rent , im assuming he’s solvent enough for now and clearly isn’t in the right headspace to make a major decision like that

after an hour on hold for the Cahms MH line (such a shambles !) I’ve quit for today and am cleaning their bedrooms instead 🤷‍♀️

I think my Tinder filter is set to Global.
My max distance is actually set to 25 miles away from my home address.
Bumble is just set to 20 miles away. Bumble has dried up now, I deleted some yesterday. I have quite a few Tinder matches but have yet to have a date from Tinder.
I'm actually now chatting to 2 from Lithuania (One of whom looks spitting image of my ex) 😂and a couple from Moscow.
And one from Oldham, plus the woman from Estonia and another who lives 4 miles away.

I always book somewhere half decent that covers, food, and beverages, either beer, soft drinks, or even coffee.
If the date is electric then I'll pay for food and drinks etc. If it's a grower it'll just be drinks split. If It's a no-no then it'll be a cola-rola or water split.😂

That was my strategy 5-6 yrs ago. I do remember one particular date that went on from 12-6 pm. I paid for the food and drinks. She paid for the hotel the day after.😂
That particular date was the best date I've ever been out on, she's the best girlfriend I've ever had by quite a margin. Even beating the Lithuanian blonde bombshell as she liked to call herself.🙄
One woman agreed to another date, I said I'll pay for this one, you pay for the next. There wasn't a next date she ghosted me. Only to reappear 2 yrs later on boxing day working for an international bank, 'Hi Harry'.