Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Morning All, first time posting in thread but would appreciate your advice.
Met Mr Bourne on tinder. Seems lovely and has asked me out on a date. He's chosen a pub location which I've been to before and from my experience, the pub was dingy, loud music, overcrowded, with few and uncomfortable seats. Not a great place for a first date in my opinion as you would have to yell to have a conversation with anyone in there.
My mind is saying I should not go as this is a red flag that he couldn't be bothered to choose a decent location and this is more of a meetup than a date.
Also, he suggested that we go to this pub and if it isn't ideal, we can always wander around and find somewhere else. I think this is not good enough. I'm not a wandering around in heels kind of lady; I like to know where I'm headed and I like to go to places where I can be comfortable and have a decent stress-free conversation.
My last tinder date was at this pub and it was a complete disaster. I needed up with a migraine.
Shall I just listen to what my heart is telling me and unmatch Mr Bourne? Is it even worth explaining to a grown man why we should go elsewhere?

• I ended up with a migraine

Sounds like you have a very indicator here that you’re not compatible in your tastes so I would politely decline the date and wish him well

*clear indicator

I think that if he’s really ok in all other aspects, the type of guy you’d like to date, I would just tell him this place is no right for you and could he suggest a quieter location for first date. Some people find it diffoccult to settle on a place for first date.

Bumbeebeebum
Why don't you suggest an alternative pub?

He might've chosen that one because it's his favourite or because he thinks it's a convenient place to meet and doesn't know what it's like.
You don't know.

Explain why you think it isn't a great place to meet and offer a suggestion of somewhere better.

Bumbeebeebum

yeah
dont unmatch for that !!! It’s a pub

just say what you said here you’d prefer
somewhere quieter and offer an alternative

then see

Thank you all for your advice. OLD has done a number on me recently so I guess I'm holding onto whatever peace I have left; that's why I didn't suggest otherwise to Mr Bourne. My last date in that pub told me that's the 'best' they could do to a date who hasn't proven to be worth a second date (when I mentioned the place was so noisy, it defeats the purpose of having a date to get to know each other better). The pub is literally the first sight when you come out of the train station so it's a lazy pick. And it's about one of the few places that'll allow you in without a booking in the area.
I'll leave him an alternative suggestion but I've been put off.

@Bumbeebeebum
for me the 1st meeting is always a meeting, not an actual “date” as such, so would never go anywhere that needed a booking, Costa or just a walk in pub, sorry to sound rude, but I think you might be overthinking the initial meeting? 🤷🏼

the 1sr meeting for me a few weeks back a Costa on a ring road, she pitched up in jeans & trainers not high heels, seemed to go okay

…. But then I don’t live in metropolitan area, so casual is the way really

NoDatingForOldMen

no I’m the same and I’m urban
it’s a meeting , a coffee , a walk , a fast drink
max 1.5 hours timeframe

no time wasting 😬

Can I ask what dating sites people are using and which you have found the best? I’m 41 and just don’t know what would be the best fit?

I don’t want a serious relationship so am not looking for anything more than casual dating I guess?

my standards for success are so low that as long as the woman doesn’t run away from me like her hair is on fire, I consider that a good date 👍🏼

so feel free to ignore any time I suggest

Esmejane81

if you want casual dating your onto a winner already 😬

the most used sites are
hinge (quite liked)
tinder (very populous )
bumble
Feeld (very sexual but - honest !)

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you 😊.

I say casual dating but I’ve never actually done it so we will see 😬. Just don’t need anything complicated right now.

@NoDatingForOldMen thanks for the reminder. In the end, I went for a smart-casual. I'm just not a jeans/ sneaker kind of lady and my matches aren't either.
Ok, update on Mr Bourne: He beat me to the punch by changing the venue to somewhere more decent as he said he passed by the pub earlier and realised it wasn't a nice place. So in the end, I didn't need to ask for a change of location. I picked the tab as a gesture for he being considerate and also because it was a small amount and it was awkward asking to split. He seemed to be hesitant to pay, so a red flag for me. Other than that, he turned out to be someone I could see myself being into and I think the feeling is mutual as we have agreed a 2nd date. We have lots of common interests and values. But I'm playing it casual as he is currently separated, to go through divorce by year-end and they have kids.

I'm in my mid-30s, he's in his early 40s.
It was just nice to go on a date for the first time in a year where it felt easy.

I'm a jeans, nice top and flats dater 😄 but at 5' 9" I never wear heels anyway.

Had a quick first meet after work today with a new iron. Nice 2 hours spent chatting but not right for each other - he was way too extrovert for introvert me 🤷‍♀️ we frequent same drinking places though so have said we will say hi and have a drink if we bump into each other- all very civilised 😁

Haven't heard from Mr gig at all today which is unusual but I have felt that coms are slowing and whilst there was talk of a 3rd date we have pencilled anything in yet hence why I agreed to the date tonight with other iron.

Interesting comment about him being hesitant to pay,

I am the same, when the bill arrives I like to wait and see what my date does, if she does nothing and simply expects me to pay that’s a red flag for sure

you must all be joking… eastern european women insisting on co habiting is likened to being ‘prostitutey’ paying for sex is prostitutey but being an escort sounds better - and yet you all have random ‘free’ sex on these websites and yet won’t even consider paying for each others cups of coffee or a bowl of soup?

I think the sex workers are wiser.

One of the reasons I am now into the acceptance phase of the end of my relationship with MrWozfunnest is that after 5 weeks of silence (which I assume was precipitated by my last two messages not having kisses (!!!)) is that I am now thinking about what was unsatisfactory and the meanness with money is a significant factor.
I don’t regret the relationship because it really was the funnest and if it hadn’t been then the meanness would have finished it early days. He was selfish in lots of ways so I’m not surprised that he had only one significant relationship before me and that was with his ex wife - and he had no real girl friends before he met and married her.
He spends a lot of money on himself though.

@Bumbeebeebum I'd personally pass on Mr Bourne because he's separate rather than divorced (I think women who are separated tend to be mentally single and ready whereas men are still not over it all). Also, I've learnt the paying as a gesture thing is a no as well. You should have offered but he should have insisted. I say this as someone who has always insisted on paying but I think it sets a precedent where the men feel they don't need to make any effort.

I think the sex workers are wiser.

got 2 messages overnight, one was a scammer with a fake profile, one was a London based sex worker …

OLD really is the absolute fucking pits, I can see why so men complain that there are no real women about

I don't know the specifics of MrWozfunnest but there are plenty of women who are just out of long marriages or relationships 15-25 yrs. Now that's an LTR.
I was my ex's 2nd longest relationship at 4 yrs (Her previous longest was 6yrs). I wouldn't date a woman with sporadic relationship history now tbh.

As for money, I like to spend my money on myself and my children, I wouldn't spend a lot on the first 3-4 dates now. Coffee, maybe some drinks.
The last time I used the apps I do remember on some occasions splashing out a bit for the right people. However, I'm going to be very cautious this time around.
Anyhow Ms. Russia is in the bin, CBA with subsidizing after the 2nd date. Canceled yesterday's date with Ms. Barnsley was in a grumpy mood so wasn't fair to pretend.
Ms. Estonia is very funny and lively. Quite like her tbh.

The thing with apps is some people are just better suited to your texting style, even if you like the pictures. Communication is key. Photos don't always do people justice either.

@LostidentityM you make very valid points.
I have slept over it and my I ntention is to see what happens on Date 2, perhaps on a decent dinner. I'll certainly not be paying for him. I think I'll go in 1 or 2 more dates with Mr Bourne and then tell him to contact me when the divorce is finalised.

With regards to paying, he put me in an uncomfortable position: he got up to ask for the bill. I told him 'would you like me to pay my part: I'd be happy too (I only ordered for water; he had a drink)'. He didn't accept or decline. The bill was brought to the table. He peeped at it to see the amount, then put his eyebrow up and pushed it to the middle of the table. Waiter comes to collect payment with a card reader and Mr Bourne took like forever to get his card out. I then looked at the card reader and saw it's just bloody nothing and it's silly to split, so I tapped to pay. He then said something along the lines of 'oh you paid everything/ already.' I think it's tacky and I certainly can't be with a man who keeps a ledger of who pays what.
99% of my first dates never want to pay; you can see that hesitation. If they've been nothing to write home about, I just ask to pay for my part after which they become grumpy. As a rule, I only have water/tea on a first date.