Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@PickoftheMix
I tried eHarmony. Same as Match. Awful!
The two I prefer are Hinge and Bumble.

There’s one called Silver Singles (I think) that looked ok. I joined it but quickly came off (and deleted my account) when I saw my male cousin (same age as me) on there. Same town. It felt awkward! I came off immediately on seeing him! Now he is a very good looking 50 year old male - shame he is my cousin haha!

Ah OK I won't try that then!

Hinge is OK, but I end up running out of people!

More men needed!

PickoftheMix

id day that you clearly want a relationship of a certain structure and type IF you ruled him out for having young kids so early ?

navigating ‘with kids’ dating is quite something

I’d also not judge a single parent for saying ‘convenient for me ‘ as time is money when I have babysitters in ! I would only date someone max 30 mins away from me tbh

I ruled on man out before a date but that was because he was poly (not for jealous me !!)

NellyTheCake

oh this FWB thing fries my brain

i mean it’s quite funny how for many men it’s sex AND WhatsApp company (and crisis support for my ex 😬) but maybe your recent iron hasn’t thought it through yet …

I’m going to have to have a an ‘expectations and alignment discussion ‘ with the new one I think

PinkIdentity

Christ he’s in a bit of a pickle isn’t he (mr ex)😞

sometimes I think the ‘how we treat a human with compassion’ is harder when they are romantic partners (versus a friend sibling child etc )

I think you are doing a very good job of seeing this through and not getting anxious also

you are right about not losing time , so far this iron is positive in face to face chat and interactions . - but I do like the process of getting to know people and figure them out .

One the one hand I know non stop texting is not healthy
on the other hand when they don’t reply I get anxious 😬

I tell myself I could manage FWB but I know that I couldn't do it. I get too attached, I get insanely jealous, I just couldn't cope! I like the idea but couldn't trust myself not to get horrendously hurt!

That's incredibly tough Mila. Total withdrawal, no comms. That would send me in a spin. You're very patient and understanding, lovely.

5thWisdom

if I’m 100% honest with myself I think I might be settling for FWB because I’ve got two kids ,most of the custody, corporate work , and limited time -plus some other constraints

that why I’ve said I’d need someone with similar constraints as I’ve got
my lack of time availability suits men with no emotional availability

I guess I do, I went out with someone for 4 years who had a 5 year old when we met, but mine were only 7 and 9 then so alot of our time was very "family" focused and then ex dp and I had alone time when kids went to their dad/mum. It worked well then. Now I just don't think I have the enthusiasm and, quite frankly, be bothered to deal with someone else's young kids, and it wouldn't be fair to them either. I work full time now, so I have less time than I did when mine were small and I've been parenting since I was 21! I need some adult aged life where I'm not working around dependant kids! 😁

He only lived 10 miles away, and his kids were going to be with their mum anyway on the day the date was arranged for. I guess what I've learned from this situation is young kids under 10 are now a deal breaker from me, and I can brush them off gently early on.

Hi all, may I join you? I’ve been lurking for some time, and have found your advice invaluable! x

Fifthy and Worsy… thank you both 🙏… he’s written finally to say he’s having a really tough time but at least he managed to go for a run. I think exercise is the best way to shake gloom and doom. I think he had to do an effort to message today and tried to ask about my weekend and my kids. I plan to let him be and yes I am totally chilled because I know this is a process that will take time for him

The question is are you emotionally open to fall in love?? I think your boundaries are blurred here

PinkIdentity

god that’s a deep question for a tired Sunday evening !

I don’t know , I’m probably pretty emotionally unavailable myself
for the same reasons as most people are - scared of getting hurt and more baggage than terminal 5
But the very idea of moving a man in petrifies me
my worry is that when I figure this out I’ll be too old to date 😂

I think I've broken at least one of the rules and got "smitten with the first nice person to message" in the words of @Thisisworsethananticpated

I keep thinking about last week's date! He is messaging every day and says he wants to meet again, but kid routines mean it'll be another couple of weeks until we're both free. I just really want to see him again. He says he wants to take things really slowly. Is that good or bad?

Bananapants2022

it’s funny as the first person to ever message me online back in summer 2021
we’re still in touch ! He still holds a candle for me for some reason (he’s overseas )

and someone going slowly is very prudent and sensible in my view x

I think it’s marvellous. Please enjoy and don’t worry too much. Make sure you find time to see each other in 2 weeks!!

@PinkIdentity Thinking about you and MrEx and that things improve for him mindset wise. Sometimes being really busy can actually improve things - thought I appreciate it often has the opposite effect.

@Thisisworsethananticpated It sounds like you have thought a lot about what you want and what actually fits into your life. I think it does help when you know what you want but also what is practical and sustainable. BTW I tried Feeld and it's actually ok. I do wonder if I should cut my head off photos though!

@Bananapants2022 There is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't matter if the person you like is the first.50th or 100th person you chat to.

@Muse123 Welcome.

@PickoftheMix I think Match is hideous - lots of much older men with combovers, youngsters (20 years younger than me), men miles away (abroad), and the two men I dated from there were disastrous. Having said that several my friends met their life partners/spouses there 10-15 years ago, I don't think it's the place to go anymore.
Hinge - generally good but I think there are limited numbers on there compared to say Tinder which is bursting full of randoms. There are also plenty of people who are not using it for hook-ups but looking to meet a genuine partner.

Another update on me. Still feeling utterly pants about Mr Blocker. I did some soul searching and spoke to a friend who is a therapist. Something about him (and more pertinently DTD and his approach) deeply triggered me and made me feel vulnerable in a way I haven't for years. There were loads of red flags from the first date - some I spotted, others I didn't. My response to feeling vulnerable was to seek reassurance but I received mixed signals being the opposite of what I needed. (Would be much easier to move on if I didn't have to drive past his house most days and there weren't friends in common.)

I am being super cautious now. Taking things slower and realising that meeting friends and family doesn't actually mean the person is that interested.

Garysmum

im Sorry you feel pants 😞

but your therapist friend is right , this is less abiut him as a man and more about how his behaviours have triggered some shit from the past .
just remember he’s just a human flawed man

but the emotions he’s dragged up are maybe hard to digest ?

id maybe change drive and avoid mutual friends for a while - this WILL abate

Has anyone tried Facebook dating? It's about the only once I haven't considered yet .

@Bananapants2022 awwww that's so sweet. I may also have broken that rule with Mr Tall. Hoping to see him this weekend. Really can't wait. It am also nervous.... in a good way.

@Garysmum hugs to you. That's tough. It's awful wanting someone and not getting back what you want. On to the next?

@Thisisworsethananticpated absolutely about the past. I take responsibility for that and understand that's my issue and I probably did give off some confusing messages. However, he did exhibit obvious red flags and confusing signals and didn't take the opportunity to articulate and discuss. So rightly or wrongly, I think he also has some responsibility for the mess.
I know it's going to blow over but the daily reminder that I had one uncharacteristic insecure moment is grim! Where's my daily reminder that I'm a goddess?

@Underwaterlife I have had a couple of good dates since. At least I know what I want and that it needs to go slower.

@qqq82 I haven't. I also saw something about TikTok dating too. I don't even know what that is!

I've never even bothered with TilTok

I feel like I want to try again but apart from Hinge I don't like any of the apps

But Hinge is sooooo quiet there's barely anyone on there in my area (well, I do wonder if this is a ploy to make me pay however as sometimes all of sudden there is an influx of profiles I haven't seen before but aren't new )