Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

NoDatingForOldMen

I’ve learnt a lot from this OLD malarkey
I will get my orgasm , if nothing else …I’ll get that

oh the Romance

I find that kind of thing annoying too. I don't want to be chasing all the time. Seems that you know you deserve better though!

@Bananapants2022 I'm pretty annoyed.
Like I say, I don't expect or even want huge gestures but a bit of effort from the other side to make me feel like they actually want to see me ffs! And not just the innuendos I was constantly getting. All talk clearly.
Well I've deleted his number now
I mean I could contact him at work but obviously I won't .
I don't want a pen pal I want a relationship! With equal efforts on both sides

@Bananapants2022 ughhh the constant innuendos get tiresome don't they? That's one of the things I really like about the man I've been in 2 dates with... not a single attempt to turn messaging sexual so far and very respectful. Not that I mind they sort of thing once I've gotten to know someone but not from the off like with the other guy.

Morning, Just lost my whole post!

How long do you all chat on the sites before you hope to meet?

I'm aiming for no more than 2 weeks max but preferably within a week.

qqq82

thats very frustrating behaviour
but vote with your feet

how will you respond when he sends an inevitable sexy text through?

@Thisisworsethananticpated
Well
I have a feeling I won't
My gut feeling is that he's lost interest too even though his messages suggested otherwise but the lack of wanting to meet again says so
I just didn't respond to his last message before i deleted his number

If he does I suppose it depends what he says but I might just give one word answers til he goes away if he's not making any moves to meet

Suppose I still have to be nice as he's done nothing wrong really and chances are I might still see him in a professional capacity at some point

Not that being professional mattered when I tore shreds off the one who works in my department 😂 but then he had done something wrong and he knows it

@Thisisworsethananticpated yeah it's the Thursday one that I think is worth another meet. But I say that hesitantly as it feels like coms have changed a bit and I think he's maybe busy messaging others, which is fine, but may mean a better offer comes up before Friday - which again is fine 😄

qqq82

forgive yourself for your rant
I’ve forgiven myself ! Its ok to express anger

ive noticed than men are way better at expressing their discontent ! One even said ‘have you ghosted me ‘ , another one pushed for a ‘why’ I didn’t want to meet again !

i find it fascinating that my mode is to delete and quietly disappear 🫠, they don’t !!!

Slothmomma
curious do you genuinely think Thursday is inundated with other offers online ? I tend to think when comms are quiet they either have a pre existing one OR have some issues

I just struggle to imagine that men get that many hot women online !? I know that B came back as he clearly didn’t get anything better from the apps

@qqq82 I can not fathom why people take the trouble to message you regularly and make it clear they like you but don't make it a home run by organising another date. To be fair Mr blocker did this a bit with me - constant messages and we must do this and that but it was never followed by an enquiry about when I was free etc.
Sometimes I wonder if they are super nervous types and don't want to appear to be jumping the gun but really?

@Thisisworsethananticpated I am so pleased you got some fun in. All along I have carried one or two FWBs along. I do like being able to have guilt free fun without worrying about the emotional side. Sometimes these things do develop into something else.

@Slothmomma Coffee date sounds flakey - I would have deleted too. It's nice to have someone to go to the cinema with - friend dates are some of my favourites. Thursday's date - this sounds like good fun.

@Underwaterlife enjoy the connection. Be careful of yourself but also see where it goes.

@VanillaSox It is a jungle, it doesn't feel nice sometimes. I find limiting time on apps and spending as much time with friends etc as possible seems to balance out some of the weirdness.

I am still perplexed with why I behaved so uncharacteristically with Mr Blocker. I think I was charmed by his words and behaviour when I was with him and failed to see the lack of concrete plan making as opposed to lose open plans which I had to nail down at the last minute. Again, totally unlike me, I made some serious rookie errors - there was love bombing on the first date (cringeworthy with hindsight), I went back to his on the first date, DTD far too soon, the later dates were mostly a whole day and night (I never was able to step back and think rationally). The whole thing (plus the other women) made me feel horribly vulnerable in a way I haven't felt for years. (And what he will never know is I was in a big accident the day before I texted him with the tell me if you don't want to see me text. I was definitely shaken up and not in a place to deal with inconsistent plans.)

I know I was accused of being confusing but with hindsight I was the very confused one - all those mixed signals! It's been a few days now and he's not popped up again so I assume he won't.

I do have a couple of dates lined up this week. I still feel weirdly fragile but what it has made me realise is that I want to be with someone who actually cares about me enough to check in.

Advice needed please.

lateish last year, matched with someone, got chatting etc, had a couple of date, one in Dec, one in Jan this year, (no sex ) , all very nice, similar outlook on life etc l liked her quite a lot and mid Jan-ish she just vanished ( as a lot of women do TBH ) I also know she was talking to other men so just guessed she had a better offer elsewhere.

anyhow fast forward to Easter and she has sent me a couple of messages asking if I’m okay etc and that she was taken sick and wound up in hospital ( okay fair enough), But it really hurt that she didn’t even manage to send me a message earlier, almost 3 month’s ago now, just makes me think she someone else lined up and that’s fallen through and I’m just the backup plan really

@NoDatingForOldMen

Honestly if it was just a few dates I'd give her another shot

You're probably right in that she maybe chose someone else BUT that early on I think that's forgivable .

I've had to make the decision in early days between 2 people in the past and I really liked the one I didn't choose and only chose the other due to knowing him longer. (Rather than 2 time anyone ) I then caught back up with the first after the other one ended.

I mean they both turned out to be arseholes in the end anyway but you catch my drift

@Garysmum
I'm feeling really pissed off I'm not going to lie
This just seems to happen every time
Seem interested . But don't act on it .

I felt like this was my last chance for a while

I'd already deleted the apps

@NoDatingForOldMen This is a very tricky one. Whilst you are right to be cautious, I am afraid I did a similar thing when really unwell a couple of years ago. I was facing a life-changing issue and I didn't have the mental energy to keep messaging people I didn't know well and shut down all the apps. I also barely contacted some of my friends - I needed space to go through the processes of being ill and invasive testing etc, and I didn't want to share it anyone really. It's much harder to tell someone you're dating - I kept thinking it would be such a huge letdown to find out I was ill and somehow talked myself out of telling anyone.

I am not sure that alternative perspective will help as it might be different for you. Just take care.

@qqq82 I know exactly how you feel. OLD has made me feel worse than just about anything in my life. For me it always feels like a confidence blow, that I am just not good enough.
I always wonder if there are lots of super confident, intelligent and gorgeous women out there, who are monopolising all the "decent" men. I appreciate that a lot of men I have met have not behaved that well to me but perhaps that's because I am a back-up choice, a low hanging fruit etc and they have no qualms about treating someone they rate 4/10 badly when they think they can have an 8/10.

@Garysmum thank you. Trying to arrange a 3rd date around childcare (both of us) and transport issues (him).

Meanwhile one of my irons on Hinge has just double messages with a "You ok?" Because I haven't replied int he last 2 hours. I'm working. That is a bit off putting to me.... or am I being harsh?

NoDatingForOldMen

id say it’s a 50:50 between her either telling the truth or making a bullshit excuse as she had another one on the go

you could meet again and be wary bit listen to her and ascertain using your judgement if she’s telling the truth

Garysmum

my ex made me super anxious and towards the end I also behaved in a way I didn’t like AT ALL

but he behaved in a way that triggered my
anxiety , he didn’t try and listen and he didn’t alleviate it
so 🤷‍♀️ yes I went loopy
but live by the sword die by the sword I say motherfucker

honestly we are only human and
sometimes dating is going to trigger us and trigger less positive emotions

Garysmum…I could infer that from all the palaver with MrBlocker. I think you realise that you want a proper caring relationship now. Perhaps FWB is not enough anymore and you want someone more involved in your life. The key thing here is to understand what is it we want and like…and go for it and ignore time wasters or anyone who’s not what we want

100% back up plan. Whatever she had going fell through and you are second option. I’m sorry Howlongy
Up to you whether you want to go there now

Guys over 45 year old…this is what I think

Unfortunately…a lot of the really good guys are taken… there’s only a bit of time/opportunity when they divorce or come out of long relationships. Those who have no real long relationship and no family are a walking red flag in my opinion ( there are exceptions of course but I would not go there)
There are also sadly some widows at this stage which are normally good people but the grieving and the kids take precedence for a while
Plenty of amazing ladies out there after divorce but it is harder for women I think

This is not your last chance. No one knows what their last chance is. You need a break and hopefully you will feel stronger next time
Dating someone from your same company is very tricky

@NoDatingForOldMen you are definitely the backup plan there. Personally i wouldnt go there at all but you never know i guess. I've never been into multi dating myself so there would always be an obvious person i liked.

Hi,
You totally have my sympathy. A similar thing happened to me with a man from Tinder last year. We matched and started chatting. I wasn’t 100% sure about him at first but I started to like him. He was from the same region as me but still 35 miles between us (no big deal really). We chatted for weeks and weeks. He was very well spoken (I actually loved that) and was dedicated to his job in aviation. He would send WhatsApp video clips of him at work and explain what he was doing which I found interesting. He was single and had never married/had children. He had decided he wanted a relationship (at 51 years old). Still a good looking guy and very fit (keen runner).

I had done my homework and researched him to check him out and he was definitely single etc. We’d chat regularly (daily) on WhatsApp but he only ever phoned me twice which I thought was odd. I went abroad for a couple of weeks then caught Covid on my return so that put paid to a meet up. I thought he was never going to ask as we must’ve been chatting on WhatsApp for 8 weeks by this point. He has sent me a couple of pics of him in his hotel when he was away in London. One in the bath and one in his underwear stood in front of a mirror. He’d always been respectful and didn’t talk about sex only to say he was innovation at work and in the bedroom.

Anyway, he eventually asked to meet and we did - half way between the two of us. We actually had a lovely day! Went for a nice walk, went to a Cathedral and had something to eat in a nice, quirky cafe. We chatted and seemed to get on well. I thought maybe he was the one to rescue me! I kissed him in the car when we got back to my car. He was a bit embarrassed I think but he enjoyed it! Maybe I shouldn’t have but thought hey ho!

He messaged when I got home to say he had really enjoyed it. We then ended up in London at the same time over a weekend. We met up a few times and went all over London. I loved it! He came to my hotel and we DTD (and I wish I hadn’t now) but he struggled to maintain an erection which I tried to brush off as nothing. Maybe this is an issue with him??

Anyway, once I’d got home he started to be quiet. I was doing all the messaging and he wasn’t making much effort so I asked him outright what was happening. He said he’d enjoyed our time in London but thought we didn’t have enough in common! And, he thought this after just 4 meet ups?! And, in London where I wasn’t in my natural environment??! He then went on to say he hopes we both found what we were looking for. I was a bit floored tbh!

He just stopped messaging me. He’d reply if I messaged him but he wouldn’t message me to start a conversation. We’d happily chatted for ages pre-London. I just couldn’t work it out. He is still on my WhatsApp but I haven’t messaged him back. I was so upset the fact he’d cut me out as a friend even. Like I had committed some crime!

I feel really disheartened with the apps too. I have gone incognito on Tinder and snoozed Hinge and Bumble. It’s soul destroying.

I definitely think men should make an effort and, if they aren’t interested, they should say something and not just go quiet. It’s bloody rude!