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Original poster

Living separately from your DP - how do you make it work?

130 replies

MochaMad · 27/03/2023 15:44

Long story but the short version is my DP and I are both divorced, he moved in with me last year and sold his former marital home two years ago (his share of it in savings). I’m about to sell my house this summer.

The plan was to pool resources and buy a house together this year …but his DD, 16 has said she will not visit him in either my home or our shared home.

We would also like to get married but his DD wouldn’t want to be involved / doesn’t approve. So that’s been put in ice. It’s actually not the most important thing in the world, just being together is.

We’ve been together 5 years. Both our divorces were horrible ones - his especially.

I have two kids 16 & 20 and they are both fine with him.

It doesn’t look like the situation is changing any time soon, so we have decided to buy two separate flats - mine will be a larger 3 bed and his a 1 bed, basically so his DD can visit him. We hope the flats will be fairly close (streets apart) and we might possibly AirBnB his sometimes.

We think he’ll probably still spend most of his time with me, but relocate at weekends / school holidays to his flat when his DD visits.

We are currently feeling sad that we can’t live a ‘normal life’ and trying to make the best of a stressful and at times infuriating situation. At least this way it removes a load of stress and conflict.

I’m hoping for some encouraging words from anyone out there stuck in a similar situation.

OP posts:
MayhemMostly · 27/03/2023 15:50

Omg you two are enabling a 16 year old to dictate your lives. This needs nipping in the butt right now. How vary dare she.
Please have a wonderful wedding and buy a home together and this child will have to deal with it.

Jadedbuthappy82 · 27/03/2023 15:52

I agree with mayhemmostly, how utterly ridiculous and spoilt of her. And yes I am a single mum and totally understand the predicament big good lord....

Shinygreenbeetle · 27/03/2023 15:52

So when / how does he see his DD at the moment?

Original poster
MochaMad · 27/03/2023 15:52

@MayhemMostly Yup I know. I’ve spent nearly 5 years dealing with this. He’s guilty and scared of losing his relationship with her. It causes massive arguments between us. So at ieast this would because way forward - until she grows up …

OP posts:
Original poster
MochaMad · 27/03/2023 15:53

Fat fingers! But you get the gist

OP posts:
Jadedbuthappy82 · 27/03/2023 15:53

I really feel for you actually, that must be so difficult for you ... But isn't he just enabling her selfish attitude by adapting his/your life to suit her whims? Unbelievable... I hope you have a lovely wedding x

MayhemMostly · 27/03/2023 15:54

Yes, but she can meet him at a restaurant or park if she's that stubborn. It will exasperate if you let it. She's a child . Yes it's sad that her dad and mum split up . But they have moved on. Put both of your happiness first .

Original poster
MochaMad · 27/03/2023 15:55

@Shinygreenbeetle he books hotels / Air B N B / holidays / other friends and sees her lots on Saturdays/Sundays just for the day.

OP posts:
Shinygreenbeetle · 27/03/2023 16:00

Has her mum repartnered? I always wonder in cases like this if the other parent isn’t having some sort of influence…
I feel for you and your fiancé, OP - sounds so tricky and like her dad is really trying to accommodate her. I guess it’s just a question of where you draw the line.

Thelittlekingdom · 27/03/2023 16:09

Wow. I’m all for putting your child first but this seems crazy. If he sees her for the day and you buy a place together could you go out for the day? Could he stay in a hotel? It seems crazy to put a long term relationship on hold because of a 16 year old.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/03/2023 16:10

She will have no reason to grow up about this. She will keep her father wrapped around her little finger as long as he let's her. The rest of your life with him will be her calling the shots and you coming second. It's time for a frank discussion that either you move in together and get married as planned or split up.

Floofydawg · 27/03/2023 16:25

Sounds like heaven to me. Wish I'd thought of it.

SheilaFentiman · 27/03/2023 16:37

This seems crazy. He should live with you and Airbnb a place when he wants her to visit overnight, not the other way round. She’s 16, she won’t come unless she wants to anyway so making expensive housing decisions on her whim seems mad.

SheilaFentiman · 27/03/2023 16:41

Also, is she really going to want to come and spend her weekends and holidays in a 1 bed flat?

I worry you will go to a lot of expense and then she won’t come anyway!

3luckystars · 27/03/2023 16:43

I would wait another while to buy anything. I don’t think it’s a good idea to buy together when there is so much conflict going on.

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 27/03/2023 16:52

She'll be at Uni or some kind of work in 2 years. What's the point of doing all that when she'll barely be interested in staying over? Buy together and he continue to see her outside of home until she grows up!

PMAmostofthetime · 27/03/2023 17:04

@MochaMad

As she's 16 I would really think about your plans. How likely is she to stay over?

Could he not just take her out for the day etc

It's likely that she will not want to stay over night that often and it would be cheaper to pool resources and he take her away or stay in an air b & B for the odd occasion.

TheOtherHotstepper · 27/03/2023 17:13

Just a word of caution.

SD was 12 when DH and I met, 15 when we married. She has been overtly hostile to me and mine from the start. I was not the OW and she has no memories of her DOs living together. Similar situation in that DH is desperate to maintain a relationship with her and goes over and above to ensure that this happens.

She is now 34, with a DC of her own, with whom I am not allowed contact without her or her DH being present.

My DH and I are mostly happy, but she is the thing we row about, over and over again. Would I have married him had I known? No. We all thought she would calm down in time. She has not and I doubt she will now.

Be careful

Doawahf · 27/03/2023 17:25

If you & DP met after your divorce or whilst getting divorced then I think his DD is being a spoilt little brat & you shouldn't pander to her & you should move in together.

Have a talk to her, explain that you understand that she might be feeling a bit left out & worried that your kids will replace her & reassure her that is not the case & that she will always be welcome at your new shared home & will definitely not be replaced.

But on the other hand If you & DP started as an affair I can understand why his DD is being difficult.

Original poster
MochaMad · 27/03/2023 17:47

The comments above about her bring spoilt and unreasonable are basically red presents rice if the argument dragging on o er the least few years… I’m sick of it and at least the two flats plan would help with that. It’s the only thing we argue about.

No we didn’t have an affair, her parents had been separated for 5 years before their divorce happened. Her Mum has influenced her and lied about the situation. But she lives with her so it’s very very hard.

We live together now in my house and we plan to both live in my flat - which I will own. His flat is basically an investment because as savings the money just depreciates, so there is a sensible financial point to it.

Earlier in our relationship (before the marital home was sold) he rented a one bed flat and - yes - she liked visiting that and goes on about how much better it was. She enjoys a weekend with her Dad all to herself. Hotels and Air B n B are just not the same. Hence the idea to actually make some money out of it when she’s not visiting.

He feels seeing her just for the day isn’t enough, particularly as she’s been totally headfarked by her Mum & the divorce.

Her Mum has had several brief / short lived relationships which she keeps entirely separate and used to lie about to her DD. They separated because SHE had an affair.

OP posts:
Original poster
MochaMad · 27/03/2023 17:48

My fat fingers again!!!

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 27/03/2023 17:50

“Earlier in our relationship (before the marital home was sold) he rented a one bed flat and - yes - she liked visiting that and goes on about how much better it was”

Possibly a different kettle of fish at 12/13 than 16, and a flat he lived in rather than visited when she visited, but I can see why it’s on the idea list.

Original poster
MochaMad · 27/03/2023 17:54

I love my DP dearly and I am trying to find a way of us staying together, but keeping myself financially independent / secure and minimising the conflict.

His DD has also raised concerns about what will happen to her inheritance from him if we buy together - which is a joke as he was rinsed by her Mum. I think it’s odd of a 16 year old to be saying stuff like that.

So, another reason I think it’s best for now if we are still a couple who live together 90% of the time, but have completely separate finances (I have considerably more money than my DP).

if things don’t change as she grows up, then I may just have to accept this is how it’ll be.

I don’t ‘need’ to be married to him…

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 27/03/2023 17:57

Why would you sell your home (and your DC's home) to buy a flat? Can be not just get a flat with his marital savings now and you keep the home?

Original poster
MochaMad · 27/03/2023 17:57

Anyone reading this living separately for similar reasons?

OP posts:
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