Living separately from your DP - how do you make it work?

[MochaMad]

Long story but the short version is my DP and I are both divorced, he moved in with me last year and sold his former marital home two years ago (his share of it in savings). I’m about to sell my house this summer.

The plan was to pool resources and buy a house together this year …but his DD, 16 has said she will not visit him in either my home or our shared home.

We would also like to get married but his DD wouldn’t want to be involved / doesn’t approve. So that’s been put in ice. It’s actually not the most important thing in the world, just being together is.

We’ve been together 5 years. Both our divorces were horrible ones - his especially.

I have two kids 16 & 20 and they are both fine with him.

It doesn’t look like the situation is changing any time soon, so we have decided to buy two separate flats - mine will be a larger 3 bed and his a 1 bed, basically so his DD can visit him. We hope the flats will be fairly close (streets apart) and we might possibly AirBnB his sometimes.

We think he’ll probably still spend most of his time with me, but relocate at weekends / school holidays to his flat when his DD visits.

We are currently feeling sad that we can’t live a ‘normal life’ and trying to make the best of a stressful and at times infuriating situation. At least this way it removes a load of stress and conflict.

I’m hoping for some encouraging words from anyone out there stuck in a similar situation.

@Rtmhwales I have to sell my home because of my divorce and split the money with my Ex. It’s fine - we are all positive about it.

@Rtmhwales I can afford a large flat. He cannot. I have more money than he does.

I am in the situation you might possibly find yourself in. I live in a separate home to DH. We lived together for six years,
we moved fast from meeting and his children were 10 and 15 when we met. I was not OW either, but you would think I was from the way his ex and his daughter behaved.

We’ve lived apart now for two years and I’ve not seen his daughter since I moved out. He sees her regularly and they have a good relationship (as far as I know). I see him every weekend.

The only thing we ever argued about was his children. Het behaviour was abhorrent, his son is better, and he wanted to be Disney dad. There were some awful times and if I had my time again I’d have walked at the first red flag.

The separate living works well, but I’m not sure it’s for everyone.

Also, worst case scenario, if it all goes tits up… we both have properties. No money wasted on rent. Possible income from his flat sometimes. Both of us will have investments.

in 3-5 years maybe if things.are different then we might revisit buying together.

@PeterRabbitIsNotHere Yup - similar here. I’m not the OW but treated like I was / am. It’s vile. I think it’s because I make him happy, love and respect him though.

His DD lives a fair distance away - so he really would be living with me 90% of the time, seeing with her at weekends and in the holidays and in less than 2 years likely to be at Uni.

We were discussing how we’d divvy up the furniture, possessions etc and he said all his valuable and personal stuff would remain with me in the bigger flat and his one bed would be quite minimal because of renting it out.

Why does he live a fair distance away from his child?

if your kids are teens, why go through the stress of integrating a step-parent into the household when they will be moving out soon anyway?

My kids are fine - they love him

He cannot afford to live hear her because of the divorce settlement. His Ex got 75% of everything and lives in London. He cannot afford to live near her.

Distance-wise it’s about 1.5 - 2 hours depending on traffic and we live somewhere nice to visit at weekends. She likes where he lives… just not MY home.

How would she stay over with him
in a one bed flat? Wouldn’t he need a two bed?

Bed sofa in living room - easy - and exactly as it was in his one bed flat before

He cannot afford a decent 2 bed in a nice area

It sounds as though daughter sees you as competition for her dad's affection, time and love. At 16 she should be old enough for him to have a candid conversation with her about realistic expectations etc. Being realistic, give it 2-3 years and she will be grown and gone, and when she visits dad it will be with partner in tow and possibly wanting to stay in a hotel etc rather than in the flat. If she wins this, what's her next step going to be? I also hear her mum dripping bile and untruths.
If it's financially sensible to buy a small flat that can be air bnb'd or rented out fully, it makes sense, but not to essentially have a 'you free' place for her to stay on access visits.
In response to your question of lived experience, we lived apart for too many years because of work commitments being at the other end of the country. It meant that day to day things never got into a routine and that was hard. I also felt constantly unsettled and unsure of 'us'. That took up a lot of headspace.

As someone in a step family, I wish we'd lived separately! Honestly I think it's the perfect set up if you can afford it. Not excusing his DDs behaviour, but actually living apart could be a blessing in disguise.

I’m another one with a word of caution OP. I was in a situation similar to yours. My exP allowed his DD to emotionally manipulate him, our lives were dictated by her wishes and wants. He was living in constant fear of losing her; my life was dependent on what she’d allow to happen. I walked away after 7 years of this mistreatment.
I have no doubts that your partner loves you. But unless he changes and puts some healthy boundaries in place, your life will be difficult. Take a look at the step parenting board.
I hope I’m wrong though, I wish you the best of luck x

I live separately from my partner. I have two young kids and he has none.

I quite like having the space to myself to be honest. There is no compromise on doing things how I like. It makes the time we do have together extra special and there is no resentment over how much housework we’re doing

I agree
Your the adults
Don't take this nonsense

Now you have told us the back story I agree this needs nipping in the bud & your DP needs to do this.

At 16, she can choose not to see him if she wants, so for all the "how dare" and "you're the adults" - if he wants to keep his relationship with her, it seems like the only choice.

I don't think it's a bad thing that he cares enough about avoiding estrangement from her that he'd hold off on moving in with you. Blending families is hard at the best of times, and since they're all coming up to adulthood in the next few years, it'd just be simpler to wait until they're adults.

I've been with my partner for 8 years, I was clear from the beginning that DD is my priority, this is her home too and we wouldn't be moving in together until she is at university. I think people are way too quick to discount their children's feelings and shack up together when it clearly isn't in the children's best interests. Your partner's daughter sounds like she's had a shit time of it, and well done to your partner for putting her first.

I’m in a similar boat. Other factors involved too.

For me it’s caused a huge amount of resentment and has caused us more harm than good.

Personally I feel that your partners daughter will just have to deal with it; he’s pandering to her and setting her up to fail in future relationships. She will go round thinking she can get her own way all of the time.

Yes - she’s indeed had a really shit time and it could all have been very different if her Mum had not involved her in a whole load of stress and resentment… She’s emotionally damaged by her parents dysfunctional and at times abusive relationship. On the rare occasions she’s seen me with her Dad she will have witnessed a totally different dynamic: a relationship which is loving, supportive and respectful.

My kids have also had a shit time - but I have always supported their ongoing relationship with their Dad, maintained a good ‘functional’ parenting relationship and I have never interfered in his ongoing life. Their Dad had an affair for 7 years before I divorced him and he now lives with the OW.

I’ve given this a lot of thought, calmed down and feeling more positive about the idea of owning the bigger flat. I’ve always owned a home with someone else. I think it will feel like an achievement. Plus I can decorate it however I like 😃

It will still be my DP’s home the majority of the time. His flat will be a solution to a horribly stressful situation, an investment (he’s in his mid 50s and lost most of his life’s savings to divorce, it might just bring in a bit of income and will get us through the next few years while our 3 kids sort themselves out.

I think I have to let work things out with his Daughter. It’s caused so much stress having an opinion on it (the same opinion as the majority of replies here). It’s exhausting. I do think she will be off away and out f our hair most of the time in the bog too distant future. I’m hoping she will grow up…

So great fat fingers typos again 😂

This OP.
Please think really hard about this , about the rest of your life.
Get therapy and explore this.

I don’t agree with some of these answers and as usual the first response can dictate the rest of the thread. In this case sadly it was a shitty one.

clearly there are issues here with his child and she’s in a difficult situation. He is trying to protect that relationship and not throw it under the bus for his partner. This is the right thing to do

if the genders were reversed and a bloke posted and said do you think I should give my struggling kid the big fuck uou and move in with my partner the responses would be put them first and find a way

your op is also misleading. You are not living separately. He is simply buying an investment flat which he will use to see his kid and live with you.

One hundred percent, some folks are writing really nasty shit about this girl.