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Original poster

Living separately from your DP - how do you make it work?

130 replies

MochaMad · 27/03/2023 15:44

Long story but the short version is my DP and I are both divorced, he moved in with me last year and sold his former marital home two years ago (his share of it in savings). I’m about to sell my house this summer.

The plan was to pool resources and buy a house together this year …but his DD, 16 has said she will not visit him in either my home or our shared home.

We would also like to get married but his DD wouldn’t want to be involved / doesn’t approve. So that’s been put in ice. It’s actually not the most important thing in the world, just being together is.

We’ve been together 5 years. Both our divorces were horrible ones - his especially.

I have two kids 16 & 20 and they are both fine with him.

It doesn’t look like the situation is changing any time soon, so we have decided to buy two separate flats - mine will be a larger 3 bed and his a 1 bed, basically so his DD can visit him. We hope the flats will be fairly close (streets apart) and we might possibly AirBnB his sometimes.

We think he’ll probably still spend most of his time with me, but relocate at weekends / school holidays to his flat when his DD visits.

We are currently feeling sad that we can’t live a ‘normal life’ and trying to make the best of a stressful and at times infuriating situation. At least this way it removes a load of stress and conflict.

I’m hoping for some encouraging words from anyone out there stuck in a similar situation.

OP posts:
DandledASandle · 08/05/2023 09:47

Ah OP I feel for you. He doesn't seem to have much capacity to see things from your point of view. None of us are perfect but that is a very off-putting trait in a partner.

Something feels off about the power balance here. If he's defaulting to your flat whenever he gets a booking or his DD wants private access to his flat (WTF?!) then presumably he will be paying you rent. But then having a "lodger" sharing what is forcibly your bedroom and your space is also a bit peculiar.

I know there are lots of couples who keep these sorts of arrangements to avoid the kids having to live in a blended household, but it sounds like there is an edge here somehow. You can only deal the hand you're dealt. I think you should be really proud of making this work for you and your kids in these tricky circumstances.

SheilaFentiman · 08/05/2023 17:51

Op, I am glad you are moving forward.

Sounds like he is indulging in some magical thinking where he still sort of thinks you and he are getting a place together and that he separately owns an airbnb that he and DD (and her friends) can use. Whereas you, very reasonably, are seeing the two of you as more separate than you were, now that the marriage/mortgage plans are changed.

Original poster
MochaMad · 08/05/2023 18:05

@SheilaFentiman You have articulated that very well. I was struggling to do so and you have hit the nail on the head!

He’s said a few things that have really irked me while we have been viewing places. The worst is moaning about my prospective flat being tight for space, which might mean he will feel he has to retreat to a ridiculously expensive ‘man shed’ when he feels the need. So I’m having to cut my cloth for the lower budget and HE gets to complain?!!! 🤬🤯 I’m afraid I wasn’t very sympathetic…

OP posts:
Original poster
MochaMad · 08/05/2023 18:12

@DandledASandle Yes - I know exactly what you mean. Actually I’m asserting myself more now, cos things have changed… He envisages spending about 80% of his time with me in the bigger flat I’ll own. We haven’t discussed his contribution yet, but he’s not mean and will contribute, as he does now.

He intends to use his flat as an office, for seeing his DD and when he’s feeling overwhelmed by me and my kids or there’s an argument. As I said in my previous post - it’s basically a VERY expensive man shed. The last two points are annoying. It’s the reality of family life and relationships. I’ll have no such luxury! But then I think that’s a very male / female thing?

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 08/05/2023 18:27

“But then I think that’s a very male / female thing?”

I dunno, sometimes I go and sit in my car when it’s all too much for me 😀

SheilaFentiman · 08/05/2023 18:32

“The worst is moaning about my prospective flat being tight for space”

Honestly, how dare he? When you and your kids were looking forward to a 4/5 bed place and you have had to shift search area a bit to even get 3 beds.

I’m glad my phrasing helped you :-)

BatshitCrazyWoman · 08/05/2023 18:59

OP, it will be your flat, he only gets to spend time there if you invite him, not because he's letting his DD use his flat. I wouldn't let him think that somehow he has two places to call 'home' after pulling the rug out from under you with regard to buying a house with him. He needs to feel all the consequences of his decision.

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 19:39

He needs to understand that his flat is not a fancy shed; it will literally be his home. That’s what he’s really choosing here - he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too.

SheilaFentiman · 08/05/2023 20:01

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 19:39

He needs to understand that his flat is not a fancy shed; it will literally be his home. That’s what he’s really choosing here - he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too.

I don’t think that this is quite what was envisaged at the start, though things may have evolved. This from the OP indicates that her place will be where he mostly lives. Doesn’t give him the right to whinge about the size, though!

“We think he’ll probably still spend most of his time with me, but relocate at weekends / school holidays to his flat when his DD visits.”

SeulementUneFois · 08/05/2023 20:19

BatshitCrazyWoman · 08/05/2023 18:59

OP, it will be your flat, he only gets to spend time there if you invite him, not because he's letting his DD use his flat. I wouldn't let him think that somehow he has two places to call 'home' after pulling the rug out from under you with regard to buying a house with him. He needs to feel all the consequences of his decision.

OP

You need to reframe things this way. Why not, after all he's reframed things plenty to suit him - and had no issue pulling the rug from under you

Leopardlives · 08/05/2023 20:46

I’m watching with interest OP because I’m early in a relationship with a man I think is going down this path. He’s got two daughters but one of them he won’t even let me meet, he says she’s so attached to him and also the idea of him and her mum getting back together. He’s anticipated her reaction, that isn’t something she’s said. I can foresee it’ll end up like this but almost of his making.

Original poster
MochaMad · 09/05/2023 00:22

@Leopardlives its been very hard, but I do love him and I still have faith things will work out eventually.

She needs to grow up, leave home, be away from her Mother’s poisonous constant interference and micromanaging, have a relationship herself and develop her critical thinking. They change so rapidly as teenagers…

She was used to her parents on/off relationship and arguments for years - long before he met me. SO damaging, very poor example and - early on - she wanted them to get back together. That part HAS changed with maturity. She knows things are much calmer now they are divorced.

I would be wary about not actually being allowed to meet - but it does depend on the time frame.

OP posts:
PeacefulPottering · 09/05/2023 01:47

Have you got a relationship with her OP? Have you tried? You have plenty to say about her relationship with her Mum but surely that's second hand coming from your boyfriend?
Have YOU ever tried to see it from her point of view?

PeacefulPottering · 09/05/2023 02:05

And if they have been split for five years that means she has had her family gone at aged 11!? Give her a break, you have no idea what that child has gone through. Spoilt brat!!! I have no words for people who say this. You are the adults, you work around your kids surely. That means BOTH of your kids, not just yours.

PeacefulPottering · 09/05/2023 02:15

And what is the difference if had been YOUR daughter saying I'm not okay? People on here would be up in arms about you disregarding her feelings. She's not ready, you can cope financially, will be fine. Perhaps give her and her Dad time to get there.

Athrawes · 09/05/2023 02:17

I live separately from my DP. He has a huge home and would be happy for us all to live together but my DS 13, is very resistant to the idea. We have it as a long term goal - probably when he is 16.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 09/05/2023 02:37

MochaMad · 29/03/2023 08:30

I’ve already told him that IF he were to change his mind again about getting married I’d say NO, because he’s ruined it by backtracking. I feel I can’t trust him. That makes me very sad.

Same goes for the property issue… I can’t be going into the stress of moving, while worrying about him backing out. So even if he came round on that, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

I’m still completing some decorating prior to my sale and have decided to aim for a few months late, just to give me and my kids a bit more time and make my house as presentable as possible.

I have very mixed feelings generally at the moment. Bitterly disappointed but also enjoying the idea of being completely financially independent (I currently still own my home with my Ex). Ongoing I’d be in a stronger position. Plus I can choose whatever loud wallpaper I fancy…

I feel I can’t trust him.

So why are you still with him?

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 09/05/2023 02:42

MochaMad · 08/05/2023 18:12

@DandledASandle Yes - I know exactly what you mean. Actually I’m asserting myself more now, cos things have changed… He envisages spending about 80% of his time with me in the bigger flat I’ll own. We haven’t discussed his contribution yet, but he’s not mean and will contribute, as he does now.

He intends to use his flat as an office, for seeing his DD and when he’s feeling overwhelmed by me and my kids or there’s an argument. As I said in my previous post - it’s basically a VERY expensive man shed. The last two points are annoying. It’s the reality of family life and relationships. I’ll have no such luxury! But then I think that’s a very male / female thing?

when he’s feeling overwhelmed by me and my kids or there’s an argument.

So he doesn't intend to talk through disagreements, just walk away from them?

Dump him.

FlappyFish · 09/05/2023 03:31

I can only echo the above posters who are now saying why are you still with him. This isn’t a relationship. He is causing a world of pain to you and your children. Yes, she may grow up and accept it. She may not. Be an active participant in your life. Don’t let his decisions overrule yours.

PerryMenno · 09/05/2023 03:45

SheilaFentiman · 08/05/2023 20:01

I don’t think that this is quite what was envisaged at the start, though things may have evolved. This from the OP indicates that her place will be where he mostly lives. Doesn’t give him the right to whinge about the size, though!

“We think he’ll probably still spend most of his time with me, but relocate at weekends / school holidays to his flat when his DD visits.”

Show quote history

I have to admit I am confused about this, so maybe he is too.

In the OP I was under the impression the bigger flat was 'their' home and the smaller one an investment with a handy extra purpose of facilitating DD contact. But in later posts OP is bristling at the idea of him having any say in the bigger flat.

Original poster
MochaMad · 09/05/2023 07:55

@PerryMenno i think the reality of actually looking at places is different. When you are spending your life’s savings and are having to downsize, so it rather distills the things you think are important about a home. Him moaning about how small my flat will be compared to my current home (where he lives with us) feels like a punch in the guts frankly. Yes it’ll be his home too - but I think the person paying for it should get a bigger say in it. That was the case with his choice (it’s not my taste but it is his). It’ll be the same with mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
MochaMad · 09/05/2023 08:01

@PeacefulPottering
Oh believe me I’ve tried - many many times. I’ve tried in all kinds of ways and that is why I’m still here trying. 5 years of trying, knockbacks and unpleasantness, lies etc that me and my kids have taken on the chin.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2023 08:38

MochaMad · 09/05/2023 07:55

@PerryMenno i think the reality of actually looking at places is different. When you are spending your life’s savings and are having to downsize, so it rather distills the things you think are important about a home. Him moaning about how small my flat will be compared to my current home (where he lives with us) feels like a punch in the guts frankly. Yes it’ll be his home too - but I think the person paying for it should get a bigger say in it. That was the case with his choice (it’s not my taste but it is his). It’ll be the same with mine.

Absolutely you should get the biggest say.

More magical thinking - seems like he didn’t really process that his decision would mean the “main residence” would not only not be bigger than your current home that you bought with your ex, but would be smaller!

Original poster
MochaMad · 09/05/2023 09:03

@SheilaFentiman Exactly! The main disagreements are over the type of flat. I’m looking at period conversions, change of usage (vacant shops), complete renovations and other ‘quirky’ options, as they offer far more floor space and have more character. I’m good at DIY and have just put in a new bathroom to sell my house. I built the kitchen in my previous house. I also don’t mind living in a bit of chaos while the work happens.

He’s looking at purpose-built characterless flats in blocks, which are all ‘done’ (but you are paying for someone else’s glossy kitchen) - the big difference is that the rooms are all generally smaller.

Also I need some outdoor space - just a small patio/courtyard/balcony. Most of the flat blocks don’t have this. This is something I feel I can’t give up. I currently have a large garden which I landscaped myself (during lockdown).

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2023 10:03

A “ done” flat makes lots of sense for an Airbnb but less so for a permanent home! And I agree with you about spacious rooms.

Have you spoken to him about this mindset mismatch, where he thinks you are getting a place “together” but you don’t see it that way right now?

Do you know what/whether he plans to make a financial contribution to your flat, given he now has housing expenses elsewhere too?