Living separately from your DP - how do you make it work?

[MochaMad]

Long story but the short version is my DP and I are both divorced, he moved in with me last year and sold his former marital home two years ago (his share of it in savings). I’m about to sell my house this summer.

The plan was to pool resources and buy a house together this year …but his DD, 16 has said she will not visit him in either my home or our shared home.

We would also like to get married but his DD wouldn’t want to be involved / doesn’t approve. So that’s been put in ice. It’s actually not the most important thing in the world, just being together is.

We’ve been together 5 years. Both our divorces were horrible ones - his especially.

I have two kids 16 & 20 and they are both fine with him.

It doesn’t look like the situation is changing any time soon, so we have decided to buy two separate flats - mine will be a larger 3 bed and his a 1 bed, basically so his DD can visit him. We hope the flats will be fairly close (streets apart) and we might possibly AirBnB his sometimes.

We think he’ll probably still spend most of his time with me, but relocate at weekends / school holidays to his flat when his DD visits.

We are currently feeling sad that we can’t live a ‘normal life’ and trying to make the best of a stressful and at times infuriating situation. At least this way it removes a load of stress and conflict.

I’m hoping for some encouraging words from anyone out there stuck in a similar situation.

In this case, if I were him, I would never ever let my 16-year-old jealous teenage daughter manipulate me like that and DICTATE to me what to do!

What are his & your start signs I wonder? He acts in such a weak way.

I would

1. marry you

2. buy a 4-5 bedroom house together as planned before.

She might need time to grow up and mature and come to terms with all this.

I would tell her that her inheritance is within 75% of what her mum his Ex-wife had during the divorce from him.

Our son will be 16 in April.

I would never let him rule my life .like that.

It's a really difficult one. You might have to adjust the plan if a nice 3 bed flat is not possible.

If you do it, make it work for you, don't make it all about the DD. Maybe approach the small flat more seriously as an AirBnB, with DP trying to pay off the mortgage so that he builds equity that he can pool with you in future. 16 is a funny age when DC are still quite dependent on adults and sometimes hating that fact.

Obviously you know the market but I'm a bit surprised that if a 4/5 bed house is affordable for you together, and he doesn't have much money, that a 3 bed house is out of the question for you by yourself.

“Obviously you know the market but I'm a bit surprised that if a 4/5 bed house is affordable for you together, and he doesn't have much money, that a 3 bed house is out of the question for you by yourself.”

Assume it’s less the level of savings/deposit and more the salaries for a mortgage?

Exactly - I have a larger amount of money but no mortgage capacity. He has half my cash but a decent mortgage capacity. That’s why pooling our resources means we all have a much better standard of living.

If I manage 3 beds it will either require a massive amount of work (serious remodernisation) or a grotty area / long walk into town. My kids are struggling with these realities.

Fair enough. A flat can be great way to get more space for your money but of course if you can't find a nice one that is hard, and renovations will be difficult especially if your younger one has exams.

It is only as "living apart" as you and your DP decide it has to be. If he's 90% with you it doesn't have to be any worse in terms of your home life than when he was renting Airbnbs etc. It's just a shame there is such a massive financial impact. But I can see why he wants to buy somewhere. I suppose the other option would be whether there's a house available in your pooled budget with an annexe. But it's probably not a risk he wants to run if she might turn her nose up at it.

We are looking at living apart on weekdays temporarily so that our son can attend a sixth form that meets his needs. It's overwhelming trying to balance everyone's needs even with just a bio family, without the added shades and complexities of blending.

How’s it going @MochaMad

My partner and I do live a bit like this for various practical reasons - it’s fine.

This isn’t good for anyone though, his daughter is going to turn into a monster, and it will finish the pair of you.

I would just buy together now - if she needs time to tolerate it he can rent a one bed for a year (or even till she gets through A levels if he must) and then that’s that.

You can’t allow this OP - seriously. Similarly if you want to get married get married.

Oh I see - we’ll fair enough. Just make sure the 1 bed is chosen to be a useful air bnb more than anything.

As above we do live like this, although more because of geography, it’s totally fine - I quite like it that I can retreat..

@Ermweareemergencyservices Kind of ok… Thanks x

I’ve been checking out areas & flats this weekend and it looks like I can stretch to 3 beds in a different area, which works well for my kids geographically. There’s more choice. So that’s positive.

But…

If I’m honest I’m still struggling with his back-pedalling. Wondering what it means long-term and if anything will be different in a few years, as I’m in love with a flaky man. I feel like I can’t really trust anything he says with regards to commitments.

It’s an odd kind of grief thinking you’re getting married and buying a home together and then less than a year later, it’s all off. I still can’t figure out how to deal with that one emotionally.

It’s really tough, OP. Thinking of you.

I think you need to seriously consider that nothing will change and you will live in this situation for years. My friend’s partner is still living in a one bedroom flat eleven years on because he doesn’t want to upset his children who are now 30 & 28! I can’t begin to tell you how much resentment this has caused particularly as her kids were just meant to suck up the arrangements. She so wishes she had put her foot down years ago.All too late now as he has a terminal illness.
If you go ahead with the separate flat, I wouldn’t get conned into being the one who cleans it between lets or deals with any of the admin associated with it. His flat, his problem.
I would find a property that suits your life & your children the best & let him fit in as best he can in case he never puts your joint needs first.

An update…

He’s found a very nice one bed, which is nicely decorated and would be easy to let out or Air B n B. He can afford it with his savings and a small interest-only mortgage. I helped with looking and making a good choice (he was looking at other peoples wallpaper and nice sofas, not the floor space or other things you can’t change).

His DD is excited and very happy about spending time with him in his new flat.

I’m still getting my house ready to sell and I am aiming to put it on once my DS has finished his GCSE exams. My house is starting to look really good and hopefully I’ll get a decent price for it.

I’ve done some viewings to see what I can afford and feel that I’ll probably manage to find something that me and my kids will like, even if it needs work.

But…

It still feels weird and wrong. I’m still grieving the home I thought we were working towards. And the fact that there were marriage plans that are now completely off the table. Nothing I can do about it - none of it is happening now. I’m not convinced it will do later on either. I’m struggling to deal with that. Can’t talk to him about it - he just gets annoyed.

I watch other couples - even those with complicated families - managing to remarry and move on. It still hurts that we can’t.

Theres a lot of water to flow under the bridge over the next few months.

To add… when I looked at homes for me and my kids it did feel positive and I’ve a clear idea of the style of place and what I’d do with it.

But having to do this on my own, my home being completely mine financially, managing all the logistics, redecoration, planning etc… when I get to the end of all that, I’m concerned about how I’ll feel. About him I mean.

It already seems rather ‘emasculating’ - if that makes sense?

@AllPaws4 Yes - all noted and kind of where I am now anyway. I’ve helped him to make a wise property choice, but I don’t intend getting involved past that point.

@SheilaFentiman @Ermweareemergencyservices

Thanks & see updates 😊

Does he understand that he can't just cancel people coming to his AirBnb if his DD decides to come?

🙋

One difference though - we're living apart because WE decided not to inflict a blended family situation on ourselves or our kids - no pressure from them.

We decided to wait it out until the youngest is 18/finished school - then they are old enough to have the option of moving out on their own if they don't want to live with us. We will then rent for a few years and see what unfolds with the (4 between us) kids' university, where they settle etc before deciding where we want to buy.

@MochaMad it sounds like the right decision and I’m glad you’re feeling more
positive about your housing situation.

I think it’s pretty inevitable that this is having an effect on how you see him. He held a future in front of you - marriage, life together - but wasn’t willing to follow through because he’d prefer to upset you that set basic parenting boundaries with his daughter. That will inevitably colour your view of him.

Take your time thinking that through. It may be that the time apart, once you’ve both moved, and seeing him
from a bit of a distance helps bring your thoughts into focus more.

I know that living apart from my (STBX)H has very much helped me to recognise that he - not just the stepfamily issues that arise from his attitudes and behaviour - makes me anxious and miserable. Everything is harder if he’s involved, and I literally breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves after visiting our DS because I have my house back and I can relax.

Up close, the immediate behaviour problems from his children and his ex were such that I couldn’t properly see what kind of man he really is. He isn’t who i had thought he was at all (or who he pretended to be) and, inevitably, I would have been miserable with him under any circumstances. No one needs to live with a self-obsessed, enormously entitled, hypercritical man who expects you to do everything.

Hopefully your partner will look better to you once the situation changes. But, whatever happens, having your housing situation sorted and making a life for yourself means that you don’t have to feel stuck.

@Wallywobbles Yes he does. The plan is to find out when she wants to visit well ahead of time - probably about one weekend a month, half terms and some of the Summer. It’ll be more like opening up dates only a few weeks beforehand (which may still work for guests). It’s a nice costal town that people would want to visit.

He’s said she can bring friends to stay and she seems very keen on this idea. Meanwhile Dad is out of the way with his (conveniently located) GF.

@PerryMenno Our situation has been handled badly I’m afraid. About a year ago he told his DD he would be buying a house with me and marrying me. She seems ok with that initially and then a few weeks later all hell broke loose.

I’m just so sick of all the negativity. Makes me feel sick. I’ve sort of given up really. It’s not that I’ve accepted it, I just don’t see any other way.

@SquidwardBound Sorry about your divorce. 💐

I’m keeping busy with DIY at the moment and cracking on with my own home search really. It’s an odd thing, feeling sad about the loss of plans for OUR home and future, but also quite excited about pleasing myself & my kids.

There’s been a few times he’s passed comment on what I’m viewing or how I am choosing to decorate my current home to sell. It is curious that after everything he still thinks that this is appropriate. There was a very large flat I viewed (needed a lot of work) and he was saying he could use a small spare room as an office and space IF his DD ever wanted to stay (which she clearly doesn’t). I was quick to say I’d have it as a workshop and his office should be in his own flat.

These discussions are all pointless until you actually move, of course, but it does show a train of thought…

Well done for setting boundaries there about the space in the flat you will be buying!

Imagine trying to claim space for himself and his daughter in flats you are looking at. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SquidwardBound I KNOW! Most places we look at would be tight for space - it was unusual as it is a complete refurb. It’s just bizarre really, after all that’s been said. I think I’ll have to guard my own space.

Cake and eating it? Perhaps? Or still clinging on to the hope that she will visit? Either way, not appropriate given how hurtful things are.