Living separately from your DP - how do you make it work?

[MochaMad]

Long story but the short version is my DP and I are both divorced, he moved in with me last year and sold his former marital home two years ago (his share of it in savings). I’m about to sell my house this summer.

The plan was to pool resources and buy a house together this year …but his DD, 16 has said she will not visit him in either my home or our shared home.

We would also like to get married but his DD wouldn’t want to be involved / doesn’t approve. So that’s been put in ice. It’s actually not the most important thing in the world, just being together is.

We’ve been together 5 years. Both our divorces were horrible ones - his especially.

I have two kids 16 & 20 and they are both fine with him.

It doesn’t look like the situation is changing any time soon, so we have decided to buy two separate flats - mine will be a larger 3 bed and his a 1 bed, basically so his DD can visit him. We hope the flats will be fairly close (streets apart) and we might possibly AirBnB his sometimes.

We think he’ll probably still spend most of his time with me, but relocate at weekends / school holidays to his flat when his DD visits.

We are currently feeling sad that we can’t live a ‘normal life’ and trying to make the best of a stressful and at times infuriating situation. At least this way it removes a load of stress and conflict.

I’m hoping for some encouraging words from anyone out there stuck in a similar situation.

@MochaMad "The main disagreements are over the type of flat"

Do you mean he is wanting "you plural" to look at boxier, finished flats for the 3 bed rather than the quirkier, older ones that you want? Or that you are looking at conversions for the big place and he is looking at a different style for his 1 bed? Because that tells you a lot about where he's at with this.

I think @SheilaFentiman is spot on about the mindset gap. It's fine that your feelings have evolved on this, it's good that you can articulate them. But those conversations do need to happen. You can't do something as huge as buying a property without a really clear shared understanding of who lives there, who calls it home. The money is part of it, but by the sounds of it, quite a small part.

Also I think your stepdaughter's position on this isn't really the cause. It's set off this particular set of events, but it's just switched one difficult situation into another. If she were less dogmatic and more prepared to share your house, it could still create a difficult and toxic environment, but it would be within your home and your kids would be more exposed to it in a way you couldn't control. The fact it would be a bigger detached house with financial commitments on both sides wouldn't necessarily put you in much better a position.

Initially we were looking at both sets of flats together in a jumble as the budgets do meet in the middle (there were a few 2 beds he could just about afford with a big mortgage, where there’s also scope for extending to 3 beds and I’d have the funds as they are at the bottom of my budget. The second and third times we looked were separated into my viewings and his, which made more sense.

That said, I don’t think he’s ideally happy about my flat being more chaotic and less ‘done’ for the first year or so. We discussed that and he seems to get it now. To be honest I don’t think he’s that good about imagining what it’s like to live somewhere or the potential of a property. Some people are just like that. I mentioned earlier about him focusing on wallpaper and sofas instead of the floor space.

As far as his DD is concerned, yes, you are right. This plan for two properties does protect me and my kids from being continually dragged into stress and unpleasantness - which we wouldn’t be able to extricate ourselves from in a shared house, due to physical space and a financial link. It will feel better / more secure owning the larger flat and then, if the worst ever happens I won’t lose my home.

I would much prefer it if we just invite her over sometime, she accepts maybe eventually and we then manage to build a relationship - at some point in the future. Probably when she’s at Uni. This is much better than imposing the shared house situation on her.

The situation and it’s history is unfair, cruel, stressful and I am sick and tired of fighting it and continually feeling disappointment and bad energy. This way we remove the sting and the power balance will shift. I hope.

But I feel it’s important I’m careful about boundaries with my DP ongoing.

“To be honest I don’t think he’s that good about imagining what it’s like to live somewhere or the potential of a property. Some people are just like that. I mentioned earlier about him focusing on wallpaper and sofas instead of the floor space.”

I am like this, I can’t picture what furniture would fit in what space etc.

“But I feel it’s important I’m careful about boundaries with my DP ongoing.”

Sounds like a really good idea

Yeah you're right, some people are like that with houses. Hopefully he will come round to trusting you, especially if it's all your money, and when you find "the one" whether it's a house or flat, the pieces will start to fall into place.