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Original poster

Living separately from your DP - how do you make it work?

130 replies

MochaMad · 27/03/2023 15:44

Long story but the short version is my DP and I are both divorced, he moved in with me last year and sold his former marital home two years ago (his share of it in savings). I’m about to sell my house this summer.

The plan was to pool resources and buy a house together this year …but his DD, 16 has said she will not visit him in either my home or our shared home.

We would also like to get married but his DD wouldn’t want to be involved / doesn’t approve. So that’s been put in ice. It’s actually not the most important thing in the world, just being together is.

We’ve been together 5 years. Both our divorces were horrible ones - his especially.

I have two kids 16 & 20 and they are both fine with him.

It doesn’t look like the situation is changing any time soon, so we have decided to buy two separate flats - mine will be a larger 3 bed and his a 1 bed, basically so his DD can visit him. We hope the flats will be fairly close (streets apart) and we might possibly AirBnB his sometimes.

We think he’ll probably still spend most of his time with me, but relocate at weekends / school holidays to his flat when his DD visits.

We are currently feeling sad that we can’t live a ‘normal life’ and trying to make the best of a stressful and at times infuriating situation. At least this way it removes a load of stress and conflict.

I’m hoping for some encouraging words from anyone out there stuck in a similar situation.

OP posts:
Daffodilsandbeer · 28/03/2023 09:27

SeulementUneFois · 28/03/2023 09:16

This OP.
Please think really hard about this , about the rest of your life.
Get therapy and explore this.

Show quote history

this is just awful. Horrible advice comments. Utterly horrible. On a parenting site too

Stayingstrongish · 28/03/2023 09:52

MochaMad · 28/03/2023 09:12

Yes - she’s indeed had a really shit time and it could all have been very different if her Mum had not involved her in a whole load of stress and resentment… She’s emotionally damaged by her parents dysfunctional and at times abusive relationship. On the rare occasions she’s seen me with her Dad she will have witnessed a totally different dynamic: a relationship which is loving, supportive and respectful.

My kids have also had a shit time - but I have always supported their ongoing relationship with their Dad, maintained a good ‘functional’ parenting relationship and I have never interfered in his ongoing life. Their Dad had an affair for 7 years before I divorced him and he now lives with the OW.

I’ve given this a lot of thought, calmed down and feeling more positive about the idea of owning the bigger flat. I’ve always owned a home with someone else. I think it will feel like an achievement. Plus I can decorate it however I like 😃

It will still be my DP’s home the majority of the time. His flat will be a solution to a horribly stressful situation, an investment (he’s in his mid 50s and lost most of his life’s savings to divorce, it might just bring in a bit of income and will get us through the next few years while our 3 kids sort themselves out.

I think I have to let work things out with his Daughter. It’s caused so much stress having an opinion on it (the same opinion as the majority of replies here). It’s exhausting. I do think she will be off away and out f our hair most of the time in the bog too distant future. I’m hoping she will grow up…

@MochaMad I am really enjoying making decorating decisions on my own, doing whatever I like - my ex had different taste and was always a compromise in the past! I think you can make this work.

baileys6904 · 28/03/2023 10:05

I do something similar to be honest, my choice and it's brilliant.
I share custody 50/50 so the days I have dc, I have my house, the days I don't, I live at my OHs. He has kids, and usually at leats one of them is there.
It works great. I get one on one time with my dc, and we go on holidays or days out etc all together. The kids like each other and have a relationship independent of the adults, I gte on great with his kids and he mine.

We've been together for a good few years now, we're debating getting one large house together but changed our mind for now. Give it a few more years when they're at uni, then maybe we will do it, but I enjoy the time to myself sometimes and I'm sure the OH does too

DisappearingHelen · 28/03/2023 10:15

I have a different living separately situ where we only see each other once a week or so and the rest of the time my house is my house.

In your situ though, if you do the two flats plan, do consider carefully the financial and domestic chore split! He's going to be with you 90% of the time so he should also be doing 45% of the housework and paying 45% of the living costs. Will he also be step-parenting your children or is that a boundary? I'm sure you can sort it all out but please do think it through now rather than buying a place and then discovering you are on very different pages with this stuff!!

drspouse · 28/03/2023 12:26

My friend just got married to her DP and the live separately, about 1 1/2 hours apart, but that's because they are both in jobs that require them to be in a specific place, can't work remotely, and would hope eventually to live together when one of them can get a new role (but they just wanted to get on and get married). There are step DCs involved but not living together is a job issue. In fact I think getting married was accelerated due to the step DCs (exP of her DH wasn't against the marriage, I wonder if she just wanted to be step-mum rather than Dad's friend he doesn't live with).

Original poster
MochaMad · 28/03/2023 17:46

Not misleading, but I could have put it better perhaps.

We had planned last summer to buy a 4/5 house together this year and then get married. Two flats, no garden and a lot less space and no marriage is a very different plan. I’ve found it hard back-pedalling from that. But I cannot see any other way around it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MochaMad · 28/03/2023 18:03

@DisappearingHelen Yes I’ve been thinking about those practicalities. Currently we split all the costs 50/50 and pretty much all the chores 50/50 too. He’ll continue giving me ‘rent’ money at the new place, but I’m probably going to put that all towards the renovations (I need to make a 2 bed into a 3 bed).. We tend to deal with our kids entirely separately and just have a quiet grumble at each other if one of them needs dealing with.

My gut feeling is that it will do the situation good to cut out a lot of the drama. At the moment we spend far too much time worrying about it and discussing it endlessly. I have a theory that it basically needs time and a step back.

I have to admit I’m upset by the change in ‘commitment’ from my DP, but in some ways it may do him good to be reminded that I’m very capable of sorting my life out, independently.

OP posts:
Daffodilsandbeer · 28/03/2023 18:23

I understand your hopes and dreams have been somewhat scuppered. But you are still going to be living together. He’s even going to be contributing. All that will happen is when he sees his child for the one night a week or whatever he will see her there and not at yours. It will also be a nice bolt hole if you both want some alone time.

for me he is doing the right thing by his child and I applaud him for that, too many folks put a new partner above their child and it’s wrong.

I’m surprised as a parent yourself you cannot put yourself in his shoes, have empathy for the issues he and his daughter are dealing with but instead are saying well I’m ok jack my kids don’t have issues.

he isn’t doing this to be a cunt. He’s doing this as his daughter is at a difficult age, is clearly struggling hard and he’s trying to be there for her.

Original poster
MochaMad · 28/03/2023 23:33

I’m not thinking I’m OK Jack at all. My kids have struggled too - but we talk. A lot. I have a different relationship with them. I’m honest and I don’t avoid or hide things. Or over compensate.

I can’t help it if I feel hurt by this, massively disappointed and struggling to come to terms with promises and a proposal which no longer exist.

Yes he’s probably doing the right thing - but he has been thoroughly manipulated - they both have. The root of it is his EX wife. And I don’t think he dealt with the situation well enough early on and has repeatedly avoided dealing with it. He can’t talk to his DD about emotional stuff, buries his head in the sand and I’m basically the white elephant.

I looked at flats with my kids today and sadly they were kind of awful. My son is not happy about the situation at all. So no… not alright Jack.

But I don’t have much choice other than to move on with this really.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 29/03/2023 07:25

So so sorry OP.

You need to seriously reconsider the relationship altogether.
Someone who takes back a proposal because of a child's stubbornness is showing you how low they value you.

SquidwardBound · 29/03/2023 07:53

It sounds really hard. But there’s both you can do about his (years of) parenting choices with his DD.

My advice would be that you should never marry him, regardless how things might improve in the future. You are the one with more money in this relationship and, therefore, the one with more to lose. You have two children and protecting your control over your assets is going to be the best thing for you.

What is your DS upset about in relation to flat hunting? Is it having to leave his family home because of his parents’ divorcing? That will be bringing things and feelings to the fore that he might not have been such an issue previously. Or is it related to the changing situation with you DP too, since he has been living with you?

MintJulia · 29/03/2023 07:59

OP, I've been in exactly the same situation. My ex allowed his 17yo daughter to do this. We didn't last because of her actions.

She then lived at home and refused to get a job, acting as a sort of watchdog to prevent him partnering with anyone else, until she was 29, when she finally married and left.

My advice to your dp would be to put a stop to it now, and not allow his dd to dictate. At 16, she has to learn to compromise, and it's perfectly doable while still being sensitive to everyone's needs.

Original poster
MochaMad · 29/03/2023 08:18

@SquidwardBound My DS is struggling to accept that we are now looking at flats instead of a 4/5 bed house with a garden. We (my DP & I) had told him he’d be getting a better/bigger bedroom, he was looking forward to a wedding etc. it’s basically all the same stuff I’m having to come to terms with. My DD is older - 20 - and she’s upset for me and trying to help.

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 29/03/2023 08:27

That’s a lot for him to be processing.

I think, given that your DP is happy to make choices and go back on things knowing that it is upsetting your son, you need to think carefully about the relationship.

Your partner’s DD cannot be allowed to control important aspects of your children’s lives like this. Your partner has made it clear that he will let her decide where he lives and whether he marries. So all you can do is draw your own boundaries and not allow him to have any more negative effects on your family.

Original poster
MochaMad · 29/03/2023 08:30

I’ve already told him that IF he were to change his mind again about getting married I’d say NO, because he’s ruined it by backtracking. I feel I can’t trust him. That makes me very sad.

Same goes for the property issue… I can’t be going into the stress of moving, while worrying about him backing out. So even if he came round on that, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

I’m still completing some decorating prior to my sale and have decided to aim for a few months late, just to give me and my kids a bit more time and make my house as presentable as possible.

I have very mixed feelings generally at the moment. Bitterly disappointed but also enjoying the idea of being completely financially independent (I currently still own my home with my Ex). Ongoing I’d be in a stronger position. Plus I can choose whatever loud wallpaper I fancy…

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 29/03/2023 08:42

That’s really tough, OP. Is your DS revising for GCSEs right now?

SheilaFentiman · 29/03/2023 08:48

“do you think I should give my struggling kid the big fuck uou and move in with my partner the responses would be put them first and find a way “

The DP moved in with OP last year, it’s in the first post. But that house is the former marital home for OP and is being sold.

OriGanOver · 29/03/2023 09:03

I think it's strange for 16yr olds to have access visits to dad if I'm honest.

My dc naturally stopped doing the eow at 16 ish, they see their dad to do things with or go and visit at his new gfs house - with no drama whatsoever. They have their own lives/friends/pt jobs/revision to be getting on with.

Their dad helps by picking them up late if they're out at parties etc and gives money directly to them now. There really isn't the need for weekends to be focused on staying with him. I think it's odd when 16yr olds are treated like 8 yr olds!

SheilaFentiman · 29/03/2023 09:04

OriGanOver · 29/03/2023 09:03

I think it's strange for 16yr olds to have access visits to dad if I'm honest.

My dc naturally stopped doing the eow at 16 ish, they see their dad to do things with or go and visit at his new gfs house - with no drama whatsoever. They have their own lives/friends/pt jobs/revision to be getting on with.

Their dad helps by picking them up late if they're out at parties etc and gives money directly to them now. There really isn't the need for weekends to be focused on staying with him. I think it's odd when 16yr olds are treated like 8 yr olds!

The DP lives 1.5-2h drive from his DD, there’s no scope for him to do pick ups from parties.

Original poster
MochaMad · 29/03/2023 09:47

@SheilaFentiman Yes he is and we are supposed to be putting the house on the market as soon as exams are over. Too disruptive to do viewings while he’s studying.

i need time to complete all the decorating in any case.

OP posts:
drspouse · 29/03/2023 09:49

At 16 surely visits are like visits home from Uni then, a chance to chill, possibly not to see friends because they have moved on (or in this case they are in a different town) but parents get to do their own thing as well?

Original poster
MochaMad · 29/03/2023 09:50

Three reasons for weekend visits and seeing his DD midweek by booking a hotel:

She really wants to see him
We are not dealing with an average 16YO here - she’s extremely clingy
Distance / geography
He works in London some days

I've always encouraged him to see her as much as possible, in the hope that it would help the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
MochaMad · 29/03/2023 09:51

Recent posters - no - this isn’t an average 16YO

OP posts:
drspouse · 29/03/2023 10:28

The best way to overcome anxiety at not seeing him (I assume this is what you mean by clingy) is to gradually increase the length of time between visits so she becomes used to not seeing him so often and learns that she can manage her emotions without seeing him every few days.

If it's to go to a sports match she's in/play/prize giving/out for a special occasion meal that's different. But from what I gather she can't go more than a couple of days without seeing him?

SheilaFentiman · 29/03/2023 10:31

If he’s working in London, though, why shouldn’t he see her there sometimes? If he was able financially to live near her, a mid week visit/overnight would be perfectly normal.